Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS and friend experimenting

275 replies

lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 22:17

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

OP posts:
CricketRuntAndRashers · 09/05/2017 23:05

Uhm... Right.

I must admit, I don't think they did anything wrong. There's nothing to suggest that this wasn't consensual and I grew up in a country with a "close in age" exception. So it was simply accepted that even young teens sometimes experiment with each other.

No, I don't think you should tell the father.

  1. Being outed is a really horrible feeling
  2. They way you found out is already a bit... "iffy". I do think that checking someone else's phone - especially - your child's phone is a breach of privacy and should only be done in the case of the parent being honestly concerned for the child.

I personally do think that you are overreacting. sorry. However, the law is the law, so I agree that you should forbid him from doing it again. But I also think it's important to emphasise that he did nothing wrong.

Oh, and I don't think you should forbid his friend from coming over. What about an open door rule?

Original poster
lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 23:05

He's not at an all boys school he's at a mixed one.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 09/05/2017 23:07

Also think you're going off in a tangent with your "I'm okay with him being gay" tact.

Experimentation is just that, it's not always about sexuality, in fact I'ld go so far as to say it rarely is, so I think you're massively missing the point with your LO, which would be what is and isn't allowed in terms of having friends over.

Also I'ld want to talk about consent and make sure my DS was as willing as their friend

QuimReaper · 09/05/2017 23:07

I know you meant well OP but I think that was a huge overreaction.

And I really don't get why you were checking his phone Confused

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 09/05/2017 23:08

Please don't tell his df. .

I personally think dm can more likely handle such things with more sensitivity and this is what ds needs to right now. .
My ds is 13 and I know he masturbates but hasn't had any experience sexually with anyone else. He is an older 13. . How you handle this now will make or break your relationship for a long time so tread carefully. .

Splinters6 · 09/05/2017 23:09

I don't think you should ban the boy from the house but I do think you should talk to your son about taking a break from spending so much time together. If my 13yr old was in a sexual relationship then I'd be doing my best to discourage it because I believe it's too young. I'm not prudish and I know teenagers think about sex frequently and have sexual feelings from younger but that doesn't mean I won't do as I think is right by discouraging sex at 13. I just think it's too young; too much for them to handle emotionally.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 09/05/2017 23:11

May I ask why you were checking his phone? Maybe I'm overreacting. But unless you had serious concerns for his wellbeing (did you have them before reading this?)? It is honestly absolutely unacceptable imo.

Yes, sit him down to ask if it was consensual. If it is (nothing you wrote up to now seems to suggest anything else...):
Tell him that it is normal and understandable to be curious and enjoy certain things and that it isn't wrong or immoral in any way. But tell him about the law and that he has to wait.

At least that's my take on this.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 09/05/2017 23:11

I think the fact that he was crying says a lot, that he isn't happy with the situation (either he feels ashamed or felt pressured). I feel like the "normal" teenage reaction to being caught out in a sexual relationship is door slamming and "you dont understand mum!" (ie siding with the relationship"). Have you asked him if he wants it to continue? Maybe hed prefer you to ask him not to see the other boy. (you said they'd been trying to break if off over text but hadnt managed - was that on both sides?)

Hope you guys are all right. As everyone else has already said I think the main thing is that he isn't made to feel ashamed.

Original poster
lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 23:12

I shouldn't really have to justify why I check his phone from time to time? They are my rules and I do the same for my DD.
They know I do this and it's only periodically, mainly to check that firstly DD isn't getting involved/ caught up in some of the bitchiness of the yr 6 group chats and I wanted to keep an eye on DS and his GF to make sure they were taking it steady. Which it appears she's sensible and they are

OP posts:
Splinters6 · 09/05/2017 23:12

I also think you need to talk to him about potentially exposing himself to cyber bullying by sending texts that make it clear what he's been engaging in sexually.

MommaGee · 09/05/2017 23:13

Perturbed by the number of posters thinking its ok for 13 yo to be giving and receiving blow jobs and hand jobs. Depending on when he turned 13 and how long its been going on, he might not have legally been able to consent. Not suggesting for a moment that it wasn't consensual but the point is that it is very young!

I think its reasonable to ban him from having anyone in his room (also takes away the thing of his mate not being allowed in but his gf is) and I wouldn't tell Dad

Original poster
lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 23:13

I don't think he was pressured, seems more like DS was asking friend to come over mostly

OP posts:
candlelit35 · 09/05/2017 23:14

I was totally messing about and experimenting with girls and boys from about 9 til 13/14. Difference is, we had no means or desires of keeping records or exchanging details- it's just something that occasionally occurred when we were together. Part of growing up.

JayneAusten · 09/05/2017 23:14

I think it's fine to check his phone. An open phone and internet policy with young teens is normal and healthy.

I agree that he's too young to be involved in a sexual relationship - no matter how/who. Also, all the agreeing it was 'the last time' etc sounds like there's a certain level of shame, hiding, secrets etc about it which isn't good for his mental health.

I totally understand why you were shocked and upset but I think perhaps wait for the dust to settle tonight and then have a chat with him tomorrow and be really open. Make sure he knows you understand sexual urges are strong, and that they are healthy and normal, but until your judgment catches up with your body, it's best just to masturbate.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 09/05/2017 23:14

And Yes to talks about consent and safety and open door policy for all guests for now.

29Palms · 09/05/2017 23:15

Sounds like they're just exploring and practising on each other, absolutely normal at that age. I went through a phase like that at 12 or so with a female friend, there was nothing emotionally sexual about it, we were just sort of seeing how things worked, iyswim. It's really no big deal, so don't make it one.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 09/05/2017 23:16

excellent point Splinters6, this is a good time to talk about cyber risks too.

DeanKoontz · 09/05/2017 23:16

I think you need to talk to him about:

  1. safe sex. Plenty of 13 yr old have sexual encounters. If he's going to do it, he's going to do it. He needs to do it safely.
  1. Fidelity. He has a girlfriend ffs, and he's playing around with someone else. This is NOT ok and he needs to know it.
  1. Consent. Is he doing this because he wants to? Is he able to say no?
  1. Privacy. Texting each other about this kind of thing can go badly wrong and is easily seen by, or mis-shared with the wrong person.
Original poster
lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 23:16

I think I've decided not to tell his dad. I can't see what it would achieve. My partner was here at the time I read the texts but was leaving for work and knew I'd read something i wasn't expecting.
I've told him everything is fine. I know DS would be horrified if he knew and I'll make sure in the morning DS knows it will stay with me

OP posts:
CricketRuntAndRashers · 09/05/2017 23:17

I shouldn't really have to justify why I check his phone from time to time?
I guess that depends on how you see things. To me personally it's the modern equivalent of going to your child's room and reading their diary.
Not ok in my book.

But that's not really the issue here. Your house, your rules.

Btw, the fact that your son was crying doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't consensual (imo!).

I would have cried if my parents had found out that I fancied the "sporty girl" in my class (which I did...). And even more if they had found out when going through my things.

However, if he did know that you go through his things (I mean, you don't just do it secretly but he genuinely knew, it's a clearly communicated rule)? It is possible that he wanted you to find these messages. I mean, he could have simply deleted them, right?

GrandDesespoir · 09/05/2017 23:18

My ds is 13 and I know he masturbates...

I don't mean to be prurient, but I'm curious as to how you know this?

eleanor1989 · 09/05/2017 23:19

I personally think 13 is too young. Kissing fine but blow jobs?? Id feel the same if it was a daughter or a son.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/05/2017 23:20

I'm shocked you think it's ok to invade his privacy by checking his phone.

At what age do you think you'll stop doing that, OP?

Annahibiscuits · 09/05/2017 23:20

I think parents SHOULD check their dcs phones!

It's not equivalent to a diary. A diary is private, download of thoughts and feelings. Phones are communications and are rife with porn and bullying

Original poster
lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 23:21

He changed his password on his phone today as his sister guessed it and told me straight away what it was. So yes he knows and I guess he hasn't figured out how to delete yet?
I said 'what about GF' and he just looked crest fallen.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread