DS and friend experimenting

[lostmum1980]

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

Thank you for all your responses, I'm very grateful for the perspectives you've given and advice x

It feels too young Op, but it is very normal and common

And realistically, you can't really make them stop it

I had a friend who lost her virginity at 13 - funnily enough she saw it as entirely innocent (with a boy the same age) and separate to any overly sexual taboo stuff that gets told to you later...seems strange to say, but I do get it

And she'd said she explored early precisely because her (divorced) parents were great, had a great home life, loving parents and great friends including this boy. She wanted to explore and didn't see any taboo to it - I was quite jealous when she told me, because I'd been to Catholic school and made to feel dirty at the thought of anything sexual and basically never had much fun

Great that you spoke to him afterwards He needs to know that you'll love him regardless of liking boys/girls/martians :) but that you were a little shocked as he's young and you are so protective of him as any good parent would be

This little boy will still be looking to you for guidance, support and love at 13, 30 and beyond, no matter what he's doing at each stage of life. Even if it feels like he's changing, he'll still be so dependent on you in future years - don't worry about losing that closeness now

Just read your update, Lostmum.
You have made the right decisions, I think, for the sake of you and your son's relationship, and there is nothing wrong with confidentiality between parent and child if it for the right reasons. Which this clearly is.

I do sympathise though. Have to say though, had my mum had known what my brother was getting up to at age of 13 she would have had a fit!

"I feel like a crap mum that I wasn't ready and not expecting DS to be even bothered by sex just yet." OP you absolutely are not a crap mum, who knows when kids are going to get into what these days.

You sound like a bloody brilliant mum.

Your DS needs to be honest with his girlfriend about his sexual activity/cheating.

The girlfriend now needs to be tested for HPV. So does your DS.

If not vaccinated yet, and if her HPV test is negative, she needs to consider the vaccine. So does your DS.

You as the adult here need to grab the bull by the horns and make sure the girlfriend is aware that your DS has another partner, and impress upon her and probably her parents the importance of getting vaccinated. Do not rely on your DS to tell her - accompany him or tell her yourself.

www.health.harvard.edu/blog/hpv-transmission-during-oral-sex-a-growing-cause-of-mouth-and-throat-cancer-201306046346
Sexual contact, including oral sex and deep kissing, can transmit HPV from one person to another. The likelihood of contracting oral HPV is directly associated with number of sexual partners a person has had.
(While you may be pretty sure your DS has had no other partner, yo do not know what the other boy has been getting up to or with whom).

There are a few ways to prevent HPV-related oral cancer, depending on your age.

Pre-teens, teens, and young adults of both sexes can get vaccinated against HPV. The Centers for Disease Control recommends that young women get vaccinated against the virus to prevent cervical cancer. The CDC also recommends the vaccination for young men for two reasons: to help prevent its transmission to women, and to help prevent some of the 7,000 HPV-related cancers that occur in men each year. The two available vaccines provide excellent protection against sexually transmitted HPV.

There is more than just hurt involved here, and I would not believe anything your DS says about what sort of sexual contact including kissing he may have had with his girlfriend.

.................................
SnorkMaiden, I am also flabbergasted at all the coolness.
There is no way a 13 year old should be having sex, 'experimenting' or whatever else people want to call it. Parents should not be acquiescing in exclusive relationships of any stripe for children this age either.

Consent is a crucial issue and I'm not sure that many 13 year olds are mature enough to really consent.
Agree completely.
Just because they feel like engaging in sex doesn't mean they are capable of consenting to it.

Wise words rom Splinters6, DeanKoontz, Want2bSupermum, and TheSnorkMaidenReturns, amongst many others.

You do not need to justify reading his texts or whatever.

SuburbanRhonda "I'm shocked you think it's ok to invade his privacy by checking his phone."

I'm shocked you're shocked. And personally I think you mean you don't agree, I can't believe anyone in this day and age of sexting and bullying is genuinely surprised that parents check phones.

"At what age do you think you'll stop doing that, OP?"

I don''t know about the OP but I think I might stop when I am not paying the bills anymore!

"Seriously? You ask a teenager for their password?" My 12 year old has told me her password, it's a sign of trust but actually it's also a necessity for me to be able to check the phone, even though I do not do it a lot.

I have no idea if you have kids or how old they are, but this is all new territory for me, having an almost teenager and it's bloody hard work, so please stop making the OP or anyone else feel even remotely bad for being sensible and vigilant with the child's open doorway to the rest of the world.

Because a phone is not like a diary where you record your private thoughts, a phone is where you record some of your interaction with other people. There are so many dangers for young people it is fine to check a child's phone, IMHO. My dd knows I do that and I also pay the bills!

CricketRuntAndRashers "And seeing as I am a mother (although DD doesn't have a phone, yet...) I really want to understand it."

Why not come back when you have a teen or preteen and they have a phone. Then tell us how you don't think it is sensible to check it!

I suspect from your update that your DS has been taken advantage of by his so-called friend. I think it will be important for you to find out who started this, and when.

CricketRuntAndRashers I don't know if yo have a teenager or not, mine is still only 12, but I am not buying myself any sense of false security!

I am just doing all I can to try and see how things are going for my child and hopefully spot if anything is wrong. Of course she could delete messages etc. Just as kids can lie when you talk to them or tell you one thing when they mean another, it's all part of parenting.

Notmyrealname85 I think it is so sad to lose one's virginity at 13. Yes, of course it happens, but children are still children and that is why the age of consent is there. "And she'd said she explored early precisely because her (divorced) parents were great..." I know others who were rpessurised into sex early, it may not all be so lovely, maybe so for this one girl but generally better for girls and boys to make decisions about things which could be quite major when they are a bit older, and able to understand that.

My son went through exactly the same at the same age with his best friend at school. Yes, mutual masturbation etc. He told me about it though, I didn't find out from his phone.

It was very very common amongst his friends. Similar stuff with girlfriends started a year or so later, and in fact my son told me at the time that he wasn't sure whether he liked boys or girls better but that the girls were too young.

My second son's first girlfriend was bisexual. They were both 15 when they started seeing each other (and stayed together for 8 years) and she had already had an affair with a girl.

OP the really important thing is to keep communicating with your son. I know you probably think he is too young etc but the fact is he quite clearly isn't. Your opinion, your 'rules' etc won't change anything. Parents here are really deluded if they think they can tell a teenager what to do and for that teenager to actually do it. They will just hide it from you. The ONLY way to keep your children safe is not attempting to spy on them but to communicate. The reason children come to harm is because they are too ashamed/frightened to speak to exactly the one person who should be listening to them, not judging them. So please be the sort of Mum whose children can turn to for advice rather than the lalaland Mum who thinks that looking at a phone will keep her informed ffs.

Sorry OP I read all through and wrote my answers in one big go!

Personally, I think 13 is way too young for this and maybe you can convince him of this, it is not true children will just do what they want to do regardless of what parents say!

It may be that you have concerns and hearing those helps your son to see that this is not wise at this time, that he is too young for this type of sexual relationship.

If he was a 13 year old girl with a 14 year old male friend I am sure others posters might agree with me!

But I totally agree not to make him feel guilty or ashamed, and it's good to see you are not doing this and are handling it all very well.

I tend to agree with you that it is probably best not to tell his dad. I think you know best how his dad might respond. So you can gauge whether it is best not to tell.

Garlicansapphire "They probably are masturbating anyway so why does it really make a difference?"

Can you really not see a difference between someone masturbating alone, touching their own body, and someone engaging in sexual acts such as blow jobs with someone else's body?

Sex between people who are underage is still illegal, and the boy has a girlfriend already. So I don't think the mum is perfectly right to be concerned.

Just because other people do it/have done it doesn't make it normal or OK to me. My friend was having full sex at 14 with her 20 something boyfriend. I was 14 and never thought there was anything wrong with it. Now, I do think it is fucking wrong.

I think my main concern if my son was participating in this behaviour is that once he got older (assuming it's experimental) that he'd regret it and feel a bit embarrassed.

I know a lot of posters are hellbent on saying it doesn't matter that it was experimenting with a male friend, but I think deep down most of you would probably feel a little more alarmed if your child was experimenting with the same sex at 13, but of course 13 even experimenting with the opposite sex is alarming, just more so if it's gay experimentation. He is was 15-16 it would be a whole different story because it's a greater distance since young childhood, primary school etc.

Op I think you're doing the right thing by keeping this between yourself and your son, especially as it may well just be for the curiosity factor and not something he necessarily feels ready to be open about yet, if at all.

I get why you feel shocked by this all, I believe most mums would especially at such a young age.
I'm sure he'll be fine as he sounds like he has a very cool and supportive mum, and that's exactly what all teenagers need, it's a tough time at that age.

I actually don't think it's that young. it's what, yr8 nearly yr 9? at school plenty of people were having actual sex at this age. Also, experimenting like this can actually lead to less curiosity about sex, he might not even have actual sex for many years. It's also fairly normal to masturbate from about 11/12 apparently. Seems so young, but I think it's actually developmentally accurate. I bet your ds is absolutely MORTIFIED beyond mortification though. I'd really think about telling his dad, he might not be as OK with the boy and boy thing as you think.

I think some people are saying "it's too young" because THEY weren't ready for it at 13. I certainly was. I was very interested in physical experimentation with boys when I was 13.

I had not been abused or anything...I just liked it! I loved kissing and touching and did it too. I think there's a lot of ignorance on this thread.

People not imagining their children have sexual feelings at age 13! It's just naive!

Trinity "Also, experimenting like this can actually lead to less curiosity about sex..." What is the benefit of less curiosity? Sometimes a bit of curiosity might be a good thing, as opposed to knowing lots at age 13!

italian - i think i worded it badly, dd coughing up a lung next to me, i mean it sort of lessens the excitement that can come with sex and therefore the bad decisions one can make when it all rushes up to you at once. A bit like being absolutely forbidden to drink alcohol or even mention drinking it until you turn 18 then getting black out drunk and falling in a canal on your 18th birthday (this happened to a friend...they were fine in the end) instead of being allowed half a cider or a glass of wine with a meal from a younger age.

I think you have over reacted by banning the friend. This in itself will make your son think he has done something wrong.

Why not have an open door policy when he has friends round?

TBH where there is a will there's a way - at that age I definitely found ways to be with boys, and we went that far

Why on earth is it 'more alarming' if a young teen is having a sexual experience with a boy or a girl? My dd is bisexual and when she was a similar age I was much less concerned about her having sex with girls than with boys because she can't get pregnant with a girl, and that was/is my most significant worry (for my ds too) other than getting into an abusive relationship.

The OP says that the two boys have been friends for many years and that from the texts it appeared her son was initiating rather than being pressured. I don't think I'd read anything (about the relationship) into his reaction on being discovered, he was confronted by a very upset mum and got upset in return.

OP I totally understand that you feel he is much too young to have gone so far, and I suspect I'd have felt the same way, but I'd be very concerned that he has interpreted you being so upset not with the blow/hand jobs but with the possibility of him being gay. I say this because his reaction to your upset was to immediately say that he doesn't fancy the lad - if you'd found similar texts between him and his GF do you think he'd have reacted the same way?

oh they're fine, it has gone down in legend round these parts

i do actually think alcohol and sex are very similar. both are dangerous, both controversial. and the two are often intrinsically linked, especially when talking about very repressed or very unsupervised upbringings.

also older boy - aren't they 13 and 14? i'm 7 weeks older than my best friend and they were in the school year below me, so I was always classed as older and more responsible, when that was not the case!

Sexual experimentation has happened for thousands of years, it's not a new concept by any means. Lots of references alluding to it in history. Sexuality can be transient in the teen phase, just like so many other aspects of their lives.

Sorry OP and Trinity that post at "Wed 10-May-17 02:36:48"

was very flippant, I've asked for it to be removed. I was trying to convey how to some of us 'uncool' mums sexual activity at 13 does feel very serious but I ended up doing it in a very flippant and unhelpful way, so my apologies.

i personally didn't find it flippant, you were just expressing a different viewpoint :)

ShiningArmour well for much of human history women of 13 were getting married and having babies, still do in some parts of the world. Loads of things happen that aren't the best for young people and children. But I think the OP sounds like a very sensible and caring person. I am quite sure the son could have parents who would react much more, but the OP seems really calm and a brilliant mum.

Nigh night OP.

Thanks Trinity, I am an old prude but it's nice to know it was taken as it was meant.

Night, night.