DS and friend experimenting

[lostmum1980]

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

If the kids know she'll do this then its their responsibility to moderate what they store on there.

OP might also be worth making it clear about sending of sexual photos at that age is illegal and properly illlegal not like a 13/14 yo kids engaging in oral sex

Wow wait a minute of course parents should be checking young teenagers phones! It's advised by schools and the police here to safe guard them from bullying and grooming etc!!!

Op myself and a friend done this when young. It was like a safe way to experiment with sexuality. It makes me absolute cringe now as an adult remembering it and have never spoke to her about it since and never told anyone except my dh. I wouldn't tell his dad tbh.

I think its normal. They are going through puberty and experimenting about the funny physical sensations and emotions they are feeling. They probably are masturbating anyway so why does it really make a difference? Who is to say what is normal and healthy anyway at age 13? I know quite a few people - male and female - who are honest enough to admit such explorations when they were that age, I certainly was doing some myself.

And kids mature younger these days.

Please don't make him or his friend feel ashamed or bad. I know it was a shock - I would be shocked too but I'd want my kid and his friend not to be ashamed - otherwise they will never be able to talk to you about difficult stuff and have to hide away from you and themselves their real and confusing feelings.

Anna but once you're educated a child of 13, where there are no special needs, you have to trust them. I don't think you should LET them have a phone if you can't trust them to follow the rules.

My dc only have phones on the understanding I will check them

I've found some pretty awful stuff from other children. Almost all the other parents are uninterested when informed. It's so irresponsible

The issue is around relationships. I would be having a talk with him about sex and relationships. I remember being 13 and boys showing a huge interest in me. My father talked to me about the importance of going slowly and getting to know the other person first. He told me that his parenting was judged on the outcome of us as adults and us not having healthy relationships was a poor reflection on him and his parenting of us.

Putting it this way really took the pressure off us (myself, sister and brother). The focus was on being happy and in healthy relationships. My dad was furious when he found out I was dating someone and hadn't mentioned it to him. In his mind the boy was no good which is why I hadn't said anything to anyone in the family. He continues to be upset with himself over my brother who slept around a lot and married a girl after they moved in together very quickly. My Dad is of the opinion that he has completely failed as a parent when it comes to my brother.

DeanKoontz makes good points as does the other PP about puting private things down in digital forms

I mostly trust MY kids user. I don't trust other kids (because their parents aren't checking their phones!!!) And I definitely don't trust adults pretending to be teenagers on-line!

Cricket as GotTo says the police actually advise you to do this.

I keep trotting this out but one 15 year old girl is dead because it took a mere 13 days to groom her. I don't want to think about what she suffered at the hands of two men before her body was found.

It is not like a diary because you are communicating with someone, not writing down private thoughts. It takes a couple of clicks on a phone to forward those messages to everyone. People should be very careful what they write down.

Well, I'd be shocked too - 13 as a concept is young, and then thinking of your 13-year-old (who so recently used to be quite innocent and child-like) is sort of horrifying, and then the added shocker of he's got a GF but he's been masturbating and giving/receiving oral sex with a male friend of his, who you assumed was 'just a mate' - and who you'd also known from young. Yes, shock is understandable, I'd say.

But - it is common enough to experiment, as PP say. Boarding schools are full of kids experiencing sexual feelings at this age, and acting on them. Usually it is just a phase.

So, tread carefully. Don't tell his dad. Make sure he knows you're on his side, but that you are still of the opinion that to have a sexual relationship with anyone at this age is unwise, as it takes an emotional toll - that's why you were checking his phone in the first place. Tell him how much you know he values this boy's friendship (if this is true, and you've never had any concerns before) and that it would be best if they no longer hung out with closed doors at home - but that he is always welcome.

Talk to him about being in a relationship with his GF and also experimenting sexually with someone else - that it is not a great idea because of the hurt it could cause, to him as well as her because he'll be living a lie which is stressful and unfair. Talk about honesty and being a good partner.

And then try to accept you know something that in past decades you probably would have been blissfully unaware of.

It's advised by schools and the police here to safe guard them from bullying and grooming etc!!!

I've just had a look on Thinkuknow and can't see anything advising parents to check their children's phones. Have you got a link to that advice?

My dad also talked to me about saying no. He said that I can say no at any time to anything. If I was out with people who were not treating me right he wanted me to call him or his driver and I would be collected. I would never be left and he made it clear that asking for help to be removed from a situation I wasn't comfortable with was a much better position compared to doing something I regret later on.

I just think...

Ok, it's easy to delete messages. Don't you think that anybody being depraved enough to try grooming a child wouldn't think of this and teach said child? If the (often very tech savvy child...) didn't already know this before?

It seems to me as if parents doing this are simply buying themselves false security. "Oh, I looked at their browser history/checked their messages, everything is alright."

Well, no.

@NoSquirrels thank you, you've hit the nail on the head.
I feel like a crap mum that I wasn't ready and not expecting DS to be even bothered by sex just yet.

I'm staggered at these super cool responses. I'd be really shocked if my 13 year old DS was sharing hand jobs and blow jobs with another 12/13/14 year old, male or female. Way too young for relationships with that physical intensity. Consent is a crucial issue and I'm not sure that many 13 year olds are mature enough to really consent.

Both DH and I have access to kids' phones. We've talked at length with kids about both cyber security and the wellbeing aspects. The deal is open access or no phone.

13 years olds are still kids.

Suburban. Reread my post. It's advised HERE. We have had two meetings at my daughters secondary school that was attended by the teachers, parents, social workers and police that are in the child grooming department who were talking about how to keep your teenagers safe online. They could not stress enough that we should be checking phones and online activity on top of using parental controls.

Anyone with half a brain would do anyway especially if they watched the kayleigh Haywood short film or followed groups like the Midland hunters and silent justice on fb.

It's hard when you discover your child has sexual feelings and desires. I agree that 13 is young but it does depend on the individual. Some adolescents do act on those urges much younger than others.

I think the main thing is, like others have said, encouraging him to be safe. You need a frank and open discussion about condoms, contraception and taking care of yourself emotionally.

I don't think you're wrong for checking his phone. I know lots of people who do this. You are helping keep him safe. Keep talking to him, don't let that channel close.

Would you have considered banning his girlfriend from the house if the phone messages had related to her? No, of course you wouldn't have.

Open door policy sounds about as much as you can/should do in the circumstances and it obviously needs to be applied to all friends.

Don't make the other lad feel bad or not welcome in your home. That will affect your DS , no matter how supportive you are being to him.

So no link then.

Presumably if the "child grooming department" advised it, it would be on their website?

Did they advise what to do if (a) you can't separate your child from their phone and (b) the phone is password protected?

GotTo yy our school held similar talks and also recommended checking phones. It's nothing to do with lack of trust and everything to do with safeguarding. Children and teens may not realise they're being groomed or may be too frightened to talk about being bullied etc

How can you 'not separate your child from their phone'? You get the password off your child

Let's be honest, the OP can't "stop this". Unless she exposes her son's exploration to everybody, and even then.

If they are at friend's home they may be allowed to close the door. They may go to the parc together. To an other friend's home...

I'm not saying that the OP has to accept this and be like: "here are some condoms. Have fuu-uun!". Of course not.

But I honestly think that accepting the fact that this may continue (with that friend or somebody else) is quite important. So she has to really inform her son of all the risks, tell him about staying safe etc.

Seriously? You ask a teenager for their password?

Hilarious.

Suburban I'm not going to be roped into your pathetic little argument. You do what you like with your child's phone. I will follow the advise of the school, local constubulary and my father who's on the children's panel and sees cases regularly with children who have been groomed and abuses and gone off the rails. Or children who have started bullings other online then in real life.

If you can't seowrate your child from their phone or get their password then you fucking confiscate it. Really don't need anyone to tell me how to be a parent in that sense.

Yep Rhonda, I get no resistance at all from the dc. Phones totally open books