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Original poster

DS and friend experimenting

275 replies

lostmum1980 · 09/05/2017 22:17

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

OP posts:
CricketRuntAndRashers · 09/05/2017 23:51

Anna

But what do you gain from this? Maybe they just deleted the messages they don't want you to see...?

I'm sorry, but I honestly don't understand it. And seeing as I am a mother (although DD doesn't have a phone, yet...) I really want to understand it.

Hateloggingin · 09/05/2017 23:51

Some crazy responses here... 13 and having oral sex?? Jesus, to me that's a nightmare. Plus checking phone is normal, police advised us to do so (dd 12 was groomed by an online paedophile).

I would not tell exdh. I would explain to ds that you're not cross, but you need to keep him safe, talk through consent and the digital/cyber aspect too. He'll probably be mortified but if you explain experimenting is normal but he's just too young hopefully he'll open up to you. Good luck x

Annahibiscuits · 09/05/2017 23:52

It's not an 'invasion of privacy'; it's that phones aren't private...Or rather, the internet/social media isn't. I think that is important to understand. Any illusion of privacy, is just that

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 09/05/2017 23:52

Cricket they don't all delete messages. Hence how parents find messages and discover they are being groomed. Or like the horrible messages I found on my daughters phone a boy was sending her from her year.

Garlicansapphire · 09/05/2017 23:53

Hi - I think there is a distinction that I was aware of when growing up - thats kids sometimes experimented with same sex friends, in an exploratory way, before ever doing so with the opposite sex (both girls and boys) - thats people who turned out to be heterosexual later - at ages 11, 12, 13. And we know that girls and boys are going through puberty much earlier these days....

I cant quite understand how people here can end up saying what the OP's son was doing was unhealthy and wrong (not talking about social media stuff, just what they got up to physically). Isn't it better to discuss such things in the open and acknowledge sexual exploration and talk about consent and making sure they're not doing things they are not ready for.... how to maintain certain boundaries etc. Rather than demonising behaviour. And yes I would be really shocked.

But I dont check my kids phones. But we do talk about sex, masturbation, sexting, drugs - you name it and judging by other famillies and friends I know a whole lot more about what goes on than any other parent I know. My DS14 told me at dinner tonight about a gay guy in the year above was messaging men in their 40s on grinder at school today asking for nude pics! (and yes we discussed how wrong that was...)

So I'm careful to keep an eye on things, particularly online gaming, and online social accounts but not mobile messages.

The boys social media behaviour does seem very naive - they get a lot of education about this at school and home these days - so a sensible and reasoned talk seems appropriate about that.

PocketPair · 09/05/2017 23:53

I'm staggered at these super cool responses. I'd be really shocked if my 13 year old DS was sharing hand jobs and blow jobs with another 12/13/14 year old, male or female

It's much easier to be objective about it when it's not your own children. Of course I'd be shocked and concerned if it was MY child, but that's because I'm so close to the situation, I see them as so young still.

But objectively, I know many people who "experimented" with people of the opposite/same sex at 13. Including me. So then I think it's not that big an issue.

I think you reacted a bit hastily, OP, and perhaps should have given yourself some time to cool off before talking to your son. I don't think you should be too worried, but you obviously are right to not allow alone time in his bedroom (just as you would if he had a female friend over).

I do think that beyond the advice you've given him (about being able to talk to you, about it not being "wrong" but that he has to be careful) is the best thing you could have done, and all you can really do for now tbh. If they want to continue their "relationship", they will do so anyway. I had a friend who I did similar stuff with at that age and we always found a way some how or another, even if our homes weren't an option. And then after a few months it petered out anyway. Never negatively affected either of us as far as I know. So try not to worry too much. If he really knows he can talk to you about anything of that nature, you're already better off than most people kids/parents.

NoSquirrels · 09/05/2017 23:55

OP, you are not a crap mum. I wouldn't have been expecting this - and I think the majority of posters wouldn't either. And all the cool-headed advice in the world from beyond a screen doesn't help with your emotions around it. No one else posting is dealing with it being their 13-year-old son. Go easy on yourself.

Anyway, I'd start there, with the emotions - with the talk that sex creates an emotional bond between two people that can be hard to understand and bring up emotions that are hard to handle, and you want him to be sure he's ready for those sorts of things in his life etc. That it's probably better to just act on those strong, normal sexual feelings by himself a bit longer until he's more ready to deal with any fall-out.

DeanKoonz had a brilliant checklist of what to focus on.

Wine for you. Or Gin if you prefer. Or maybe just a strong Brew. I'd go for Wine personally.

Annahibiscuits · 09/05/2017 23:55

cricket there have been enough 'incidents', that dd understands that it is in her best interest. She COULD be deleting messages. I'm as sure as you ever can be, that she isn't. She quite often shows me things, if she feels anything is suspect/nasty. I've instilled that her phone isn't private

Hateloggingin · 09/05/2017 23:56

GotToGetMyFingerOut - exactly, that's how we found out :(

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 09/05/2017 23:59

Hate sorry you have all gone through that I hope your daughters doing okay now.

brasty · 10/05/2017 00:01

I think this is fairly normal. And I would not be worried about this at all.

donquixotedelamancha · 10/05/2017 00:04

"No, I don't think you should tell the father."

I'd be furious if this was happening to my child and it was kept from me. If he is an active, involved, reasonable parent then I think he has a right to know.

I work with young people, most 13 year olds are not doing this. Too many are, but its a minority. There are reasons that it's illegal and that the sexualisation of children is considered a huge problem.

Long term this isn't the big deal it feels like now, but it does need careful handling and talking through- not minimising or ignoring.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 00:04

Wel, in this case I stand corrected. Good to know! Maybe I was just a particularly sneaky child, but I think I personally would have deleted many personal messages (even if they didn't contain something particularly negative...)

Maybe it's because I grew up in a country where this woukd havd been legal (close in age exceptions... ) so these things were somewhat openly talked about that I don't think this is particularly shocking.

VerySadInside · 10/05/2017 00:06

Absolutely shocked at the amount of posters saying 13 is fine for sexual relationship! And I'm only mid twenties myself.

Would have done the absolute same OP he is far too young, girl or boy to be doing more than kissing.

I would ban the friend for a month or so so give them some space and time to cool off and then mayb allow him back in family spaces only. Open door policy won't stop teenagers. Also I would tell DS he has to break up with GF or at least admit he has cheated. Very bad to cover up infidelity and he should feel ashamed about that IMO.

user1486956786 · 10/05/2017 00:06

Only you know if you should tell his father. Depends how father will react.

I think you just need to make it clear to your son it's his age that concerns you. I think they also need to still be friends and allowed over, just not in bedroom with door shut. They are probably both really freaking out and needs each other's support more than ever!

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 00:07

I think open conversation and making it clear that curiosity is normal, how to stay safe, say 'no' etc is really important now.

We had really in depth sex ed when we were 12.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 10/05/2017 00:07

On the internet interceptors page on fb. A convicted paedophile who had already served times just been charged again with grooming simply because the mum checked her daughter's device. He had arranged to meet the child of 13 or 12 i think it was for sex. If She hadn't checked the phone it doesn't even bare thb

brasty · 10/05/2017 00:07

Actually this isn't illegal at all. And I doubt it is a sexual relationship. It is the kind of exploring that lots of young teenagers do.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 10/05/2017 00:07

*thinking about.

brasty · 10/05/2017 00:08

Penetrative sex is illegal until 16, this kind of thing isnt. Please don't tell him it is illegal, it is not.

NoSquirrels · 10/05/2017 00:11

donquixote I'd be furious if this was happening to my child and it was kept from me. If he is an active, involved, reasonable parent then I think he has a right to know.

I dunno. If my DH - even if he was the ex - had been the one to discover this, and he had dealt with the situation, I think there is a degree of privacy and trust with a teen that needs to be respected above 'parental rights', I guess, so I would not be furious not to know (and indeed I wouldn't know to be able to get furious. Ignorance is bliss). But that does depend on how much trust/what relationship exists etc between both the parents and the DF and DS. One for the OP to call, I think.

From the POV of a teen, many moons ago, I'd have felt betrayed if one of my parents shared personal private stuff for no other reason than "your DF/DM has a right to know". Keeping communication open is so hard, and sometimes private conversations have to be just that, private.

Original poster
lostmum1980 · 10/05/2017 00:12

I've just gone in to check on him and kissed his forehead and told him I love him. He responded that he loved me too so clearly he's been awake. I've hugged him and told him that I don't want him to feel or embarrassed or ashamed and that I just want him to be safe both emotionally and physically. I'm hoping he'll sleep a little now.
This is the boy that still comes and sits on my knee or his grandmas knee and will hold my hand in town until he realises he might get seen and pulls away! It's a lot to take in.

OP posts:
Annahibiscuits · 10/05/2017 00:18
Flowers
Original poster
lostmum1980 · 10/05/2017 00:22

I did tell DS that i won't be telling his dad or my partner who lives with us and he appreciates that I think. I can't see any good in telling him, it would break his trust in me and I need him be see me as someone he can trust. Of course I agree that if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be furious but it's not. I do think if we were still together then I would tell him but it seems right to protect my DS right now by not telling him. I think he'd close down totally
We will talk more but tomorrow.
I still think it's too much too young but accept that I can only advise and educate him and explain why he needs to wait a little while til he's older

OP posts:
Garlicansapphire · 10/05/2017 00:23

www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/what-is-age-appropriate

Info from Stopitnow.org:
ADOLESCENCE (13 to 16)
Common:
Will need information and have questions about
• Decision making
• Social relationships and sexual customs
• Personal values and consequences of sexual behavior.
Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.
Girls will begin menstruation; boys will begin to produce sperm.
Sexual experimentation between adolescents of the same age and gender is common.
Voyeuristic behaviors are common in this age group.
First sexual intercourse will occur for approximately one third of teens.

Uncommon:
Masturbation in a public place.
Sexual interest directed toward much younger children.