Relationships or mental health.... I don't know. I do know that I'm desperately unhappy

[sorryforthenamechangebut]

I've had to name change, I'm sorry. But My DP knows my username and I need some advice without him searching for me.
This might be long, just to warn you, as I'm trying to get down everything, but I will do my best to make it easy to read.

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I don't know for sure.
I don't know if it is me, or if he has anger management issues

Something hugely traumatic happened to us twice last year. I don't want to disclose details as it will out me, but I have struggled with day to day life since. I have had various counselling and CBT and it has been suggested (not diagnosed) by one of my therapists that I may have PTSD and PND as showing all the signs.

As I say, I can't manage day to day life terribly well. So many things trigger me, but I am trying to find a way to make peace with it and pretty much failing TBH. DP is desperate to move on. So am I, but I can't seem to find a way right now.

DP tries to be patient with me. He really does. But he is a talker (well, shouter) and I hate confrontation. Always have.

He always says "we need to talk more" but when we do he raises his voice at me, swears at me, and points his finger. And if he doesn't do all that, or if I ask him not to shout, his tone is extremely authoritative and can still be very intimidating even when he isn't shouting.
He says things that, to me, sound like he's saying one thing, then when I get confused and misunderstand he gets more angry.

I end up with my head swimming in confusion wondering what has happened. The more he shouts at me, the more confused I get about what he is saying. I tell him that all this tension is my fault because of the trauma and how its affected me and I apologise to him all the time. I tell him I hate myself for feeling the way I do and that I wish the pain would just go away.
But he says how can he love me when I don't even love myself. That he's a big believer in loving yourself in order for others to love you.

But its a vicious circle because I feel like this tension makes me hate myself, it gives me low self esteem. Especially when he is shouting at me. I just want to hide away and put my hands over my ears and hope that I disappear into thin air, just to make all the pain of the trauma and the shouting to stop.

I have always been a fairly confident person. When we first met nearly two years ago, I was even more confident as he used to constantly tell me how gorgeous/hot I was and he used to want to spend so much time with me, and text me all day. Sending me flowers to my office and going out of his way to make me happy and spend time with me. Things were so perfect. I'd never seen this side to him ever, nor had I ever seen this side to anyone.
But then we experienced this awful thing, twice, and things started to change.
I can't just be upset, I can't talk to him when I'm upset because that is when the anger starts. It's like he's forgotten how to be gentle and soothing and comforting. And if he doesn't shout at me, then he becomes really distant. When I need him the most, he spends more time away from me, almost withholding affection unless I specifically ask for it - then it isn't sincere. All I need is a hug and some gentle reassurance that we'll get through this together. But he says that is false and he should be allowed to be angry as it is 'just another emotion' All I ever say to him is "all I need is a hug" and he just refuses and says "it's all about what YOU want". "I'm such an ogre aren't I". "I've been hugging you but it is never enough!" "I'm such a prick, aren't I..." etc etc...

When these episodes happen, I get worse. I've never been so deep in depression in my entire life. A few weeks ago I even frantically searched for the pain killers so that I could just drift away and never come back, but he ran after me into the bathroom and took them from me. I was just so desperate to escape the hatred coming from him. It was a stupid moment of sheer desperation. Then it happened again, the next time he had an 'episode' I became so low that I hid in the bathroom and self harmed. I've never ever done anything like that before. And it didn't feel good afterwards, in fact I felt incredibly stupid, but I just didn't know where to turn. I almost wanted to see the pain I was feeling so badly.

I feel like he would rather see me deeply distraught than hug me and soothe me.

What is wrong with me? Is it me even? I have never experienced this kind of anger before. Completely and utterly unforgiving anger comes from him. Like nothing in the world will make him compassionate and loving.

Is it a form of narcissism even? I see that word thrown around on here regularly and googled, then found several articles. He seems to tick so many boxes, but am I just searching for a blame? Maybe it is me. If I wasn't so caught up in this trauma, if I could just find a way to move forward, everything would be ok.

All I know is that I just want all this to stop. I desperately want us to return to what we had and for me to make peace with these awful events. I just wish so much that I could have the DP I had before, and I am sure he wishes he could have the DP he had before.
We had such a perfect relationship. Really perfect. The love was so strong we always said nothing could break us. But now I'm sitting here broken into so many pieces that I don't know what to do anymore.

Like I said above, I used to be fairly confident. But I am just a shell these days. I don't know if that is because of the trauma, or because of the way DP treats me, or both. I just don't have any self confidence anymore.

But after saying all that, (and this is such a cliche and I've read this sort of thing time and time again with an massive eyeroll) but when he is not being like that, he is utterly amazing. Everyone adores him and he does so much for everyone. My own mum thinks he's the bees knees. Despite me confiding in her and driving to hers in tears in the middle of the night, she still thinks he's brilliant. My DC think he is too, despite him being very strict with them. All my friends think he's perfect for me and unlike anyone else I've ever been with, that I am so lucky to have someone like him.

This just makes me think it must be me.

I will probably regret posting this. There isn't much point TBH because even if you all tell me to leave him, I can't . I just can't.
I guess I just need some kind of understanding of all of this and reasons why he can't just hug me and tell me its all going to be ok, and that we can get through this together.
Maybe some suggestions on how to cope with his talks/outbursts without becoming a crying sobbing wreck, thus making things even worse.

I'd never had a MC before. You just don't hear about it do you. - sorry OP, I just had to comment on that.

I think something like 1 in 3 pregnancies end in MC. It's hugely common - and those are the ones we know about; the ones who give us the 2 lines, the ones we start planning for, waiting for, feeling for. Of 5 women just in my office, 4 of us have had MCs - at least one. including me.

You do not have the monopoly on this grief.

Some very telling behaviours/thoughts would suggest so LaLegue

But as I said way upthread, there is no insight on the OP's part.

Your posts are truly exhausting - i have no idea how much more exhausting it is to live it.

I have not read every post and it's clear that this is a complex set of circumstances and other posters have a much more detailed idea of what's going on.

I will just say - you are with an abusive, emotionally illiterate man who clearly has MASSIVE issues of his own. And while you flail around in the drama, your children are being affected by the presence of this man who is NOT their dad, being in their lives, constantly attacking you and creating a bad atmosphere.

It's blindingly obvious that you should split for their sake but I don't think you will.

Can I just say the idea of a Rainbow baby makes me feel queasy? although I suppose I technically have one, I don't count him as a 'healing baby'. He's himself, born for his own reasons, loved because he's himself. His sister who didn't make it was herself and a separate entity.
I'd hate him to think he was born to make me better, it seems such a responsibility. I actually waited a bit to make sure I'd got over the loss as much as possible.
I don't think I'm articulating this very well. I do understand that babyloss is a hideous situation

I'd never had a MC before. You just don't hear about it do you.

I didn't read that as OP having a monopoly on grief but rather that MCs weren't talked about. Which I can relate to. It wasn't until after my own that I discovered several close friend had also miscarried. For me talking about it in RL helped normalise the experience (first trimester MCs in my case).
But I can see that things are different for the OP.

mumoseven Absolutely.

OP I hope you have disappeared off this thread - I am glad you went to stay with your friend who seems to have put you on the right track.

It appears that a lot of these posters have the ability to diagnose you with a personality disorder - they have obviously got the appropriate qualifications to do this?

The very fact that you question yourself over and over again shows you have insight - most people without this look for something/someone else to blame in difficult situations.

when someone is caught in the middle of a traumatic time or "drama" as some of you like to call it - it is exhausting - the feelings and emotions are all over the place - why do you think it is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -

OP's post make it clear she has been going through trauma - she doesnt know which way is up, she wants the pain to go away and is looking for "something" to do this - initially another baby -she has chosen to express all her thoughts - good and bad - on here and in her blog - and as a result some on here have looked to crucify her even more.

The only way to truly heal is to do this - you have to acknowledge all emotions - and OP will heal - she will come out of this OK and has already turned a corner.

some of you posting on here still have issues to deal with yourself - maybe its you lacking the insight.

It takes great courage to bear your soul as OP has done - and as for OP lacking empathy actually this is most of you responding to her. She says she feels under attack - you don't feel this unless you are being attacked and this is from people who are supposedly offering her help.

OP maybe a different counsellor may help - I have found from personal experience you get some good ones and some not so good -

yoshimistill - but M/C is talked about. I've had one, and like I say, of 5 in our office, 4 have had at least one. It is talked about.

My SIL had one. My sister couldn't have kids at all. Lots of my friends have had one. It is talked about !

It isn't one of the first things I mention when I meet someone, no, but when talking about kids, pregnancy, hormones etc (as happens in an all-female office) we've talked about M/C.

I agree it's talked about. We don't need to be made 'aware' that miscarriages happen and they make women very sad. The thing is, most women who suffer early miscarriage and chemical pregnancies don't actually talk about them to quite the extent and for the sheer length of time that the OP has. They grieve in their way but I seriously doubt many have grieved in quite the way the OP is grieving. Possibly that's because many have gone on to conceive again fairly quickly and have accepted their early MCs as just one of those things in life's rich pattern.

I don't believe that the point of the OPs blog is to 'raise awareness' of miscarriage actually, despite what she says. I believe it's primarily a vehicle to vent her feelings of devastation at her DPs refusal to try again. Shes entitled to those feelings of course but the very public and identifiable nature of her blog and the way it's shared among all who know them is also a series of very slow and painful nails into the coffin of their relationship. It can't possibly not be.

greenberet if you haven't read the blog and don't know the specifics of the OPs situation then I can see how you'd arrive at the conclusions you have, based on what you have gleaned from this thread alone. But I would respectfully suggest that if you had read it, you might feel somewhat differently.

Personally I am quite uncomfortable with people telling her that her partner is definitely abusive. I admit his reactions and behaviour as told on this thread don't make nice reading, but again, unless you are in a position to know what pressures he is living with right now then I think it's unfair to damn him based on this thread alone.

No one wants to crucify the OP, that's unfair. But there comes a point where endlessly going over old ground and offering sympathy without addressing the elephant in the room just serves to collude with her in a certain sort of damaging madness. Ultimately it is no longer helpful.

I think this is the realization that many of her friends and family are perhaps arriving at but they've come too far to withdraw support without seeming cruel. What she needs now is support and encouragement to access the appropriate treatment for her MH, if she isn't already, but as she doesn't engage much on that score it's hard to know.

Her MH aside, I can't see a way out of this except for them to break up. They are at stalemate with one another over the 'rainbow baby'. Nothing is going to change either of their minds and by God, if her DP were going to change his, he'd have done it by now. He's not put up with all this over the last year for the shit and giggles. If he could find it in himself to give her what she wanted I'm sure he would. But he can't and it's about time they both moved forward based on that, one way or the other. One of them needs to just stop this merry-go-round of misery and get off.

They've lived as a normal carefree couple for only six months and they've lived in this dysfunctional limbo for the remainder of the their time together, a further year and a bit. It's possible they were never even right for one another at all and she's finding things out about him now that she never had time to learn before, because they were plunged into the whole pregnancy/let's buy a house together/MC thing which eclipsed everything else and moved the relation on to a permanent footing perhaps quicker than was sensible.

Maybe now it's becoming clear they just aren't that compatible after all. In spite of how well they get on, they always wanted different things. Quite majorly different things. Perhaps it's about time they both acknowledged that.

OP if you are still reading, can I ask about your mother? I know you have a mother and a sister but for all you talk about 'amazing support and encouragement' from friends, your partner etc you have never once mentioned your own mother in relation to your miscarriage/s. I just wonder what her take on it is and whether she is supporting you now.

😱 that was too long, sorry.

Lalegue if you send me a link to her blog ill read it - if i get a different take afterwards ill say so

TBH I am not sure I should after being asked directly, it might be seen as 'not in the spirit' etc., and I've already had one long post deleted but if someone else chooses to PM you that's up to them. Hope you understand.

TBH greenberet, seeing as you think we are 'picking on' the OP and projecting our own issues , I can honestly tell you that this isn't happening. Linking her blog is not helpful to her, the DP and her children. Her blog is very public, with her name, location, children's names etc, and can be linked to all her threads under her original name on here.

Getting more people to read it all will come of no good to the OP, her DP and in particular, her children.

ptumbi I spoke of my own experience. I had my first MC age 35 without having a single conversation about MC. Repeatedly saying "it is talked about" doesn't make me wrong. I didn't claim that was everybody's experience but its mine - and at least a few other people I know.

While I never needed to talk about it much I can see how one of my experiences could have caused me long term anguish if I hadn't had immediate sensible support.

I think posters should step away from a thread when they've lost compassion.

Yoshi - and I was speaking from my own experience.

At my own time of grief, I needed to be alone to work it all out, in the quiet of my own mind. If I'd had anyone who offered (in the OPs words) hugs, tears, a 'shoulder', a doe-eye face and pity cups of tea, I think I'd have snapped, much as the Dp has.

I get that these things are what she needs/wants, but he obviously doesnt. Neither is right. One may seem controlling and almost abusive to the other.

I don;t think anyone has lost 'compassion', I do think the OP needs help that her Dp can't give her. She needs to heal in her own way. So does he.

'Immediate sensible support' - is exactly what OP needs, but it is not getting through to her. It is possibly long past that stage now.

Thanks for replying ptumbi.

Hope you are feeling a bit better OP.