Relationships or mental health.... I don't know. I do know that I'm desperately unhappy

[sorryforthenamechangebut]

I've had to name change, I'm sorry. But My DP knows my username and I need some advice without him searching for me.
This might be long, just to warn you, as I'm trying to get down everything, but I will do my best to make it easy to read.

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I don't know for sure.
I don't know if it is me, or if he has anger management issues

Something hugely traumatic happened to us twice last year. I don't want to disclose details as it will out me, but I have struggled with day to day life since. I have had various counselling and CBT and it has been suggested (not diagnosed) by one of my therapists that I may have PTSD and PND as showing all the signs.

As I say, I can't manage day to day life terribly well. So many things trigger me, but I am trying to find a way to make peace with it and pretty much failing TBH. DP is desperate to move on. So am I, but I can't seem to find a way right now.

DP tries to be patient with me. He really does. But he is a talker (well, shouter) and I hate confrontation. Always have.

He always says "we need to talk more" but when we do he raises his voice at me, swears at me, and points his finger. And if he doesn't do all that, or if I ask him not to shout, his tone is extremely authoritative and can still be very intimidating even when he isn't shouting.
He says things that, to me, sound like he's saying one thing, then when I get confused and misunderstand he gets more angry.

I end up with my head swimming in confusion wondering what has happened. The more he shouts at me, the more confused I get about what he is saying. I tell him that all this tension is my fault because of the trauma and how its affected me and I apologise to him all the time. I tell him I hate myself for feeling the way I do and that I wish the pain would just go away.
But he says how can he love me when I don't even love myself. That he's a big believer in loving yourself in order for others to love you.

But its a vicious circle because I feel like this tension makes me hate myself, it gives me low self esteem. Especially when he is shouting at me. I just want to hide away and put my hands over my ears and hope that I disappear into thin air, just to make all the pain of the trauma and the shouting to stop.

I have always been a fairly confident person. When we first met nearly two years ago, I was even more confident as he used to constantly tell me how gorgeous/hot I was and he used to want to spend so much time with me, and text me all day. Sending me flowers to my office and going out of his way to make me happy and spend time with me. Things were so perfect. I'd never seen this side to him ever, nor had I ever seen this side to anyone.
But then we experienced this awful thing, twice, and things started to change.
I can't just be upset, I can't talk to him when I'm upset because that is when the anger starts. It's like he's forgotten how to be gentle and soothing and comforting. And if he doesn't shout at me, then he becomes really distant. When I need him the most, he spends more time away from me, almost withholding affection unless I specifically ask for it - then it isn't sincere. All I need is a hug and some gentle reassurance that we'll get through this together. But he says that is false and he should be allowed to be angry as it is 'just another emotion' All I ever say to him is "all I need is a hug" and he just refuses and says "it's all about what YOU want". "I'm such an ogre aren't I". "I've been hugging you but it is never enough!" "I'm such a prick, aren't I..." etc etc...

When these episodes happen, I get worse. I've never been so deep in depression in my entire life. A few weeks ago I even frantically searched for the pain killers so that I could just drift away and never come back, but he ran after me into the bathroom and took them from me. I was just so desperate to escape the hatred coming from him. It was a stupid moment of sheer desperation. Then it happened again, the next time he had an 'episode' I became so low that I hid in the bathroom and self harmed. I've never ever done anything like that before. And it didn't feel good afterwards, in fact I felt incredibly stupid, but I just didn't know where to turn. I almost wanted to see the pain I was feeling so badly.

I feel like he would rather see me deeply distraught than hug me and soothe me.

What is wrong with me? Is it me even? I have never experienced this kind of anger before. Completely and utterly unforgiving anger comes from him. Like nothing in the world will make him compassionate and loving.

Is it a form of narcissism even? I see that word thrown around on here regularly and googled, then found several articles. He seems to tick so many boxes, but am I just searching for a blame? Maybe it is me. If I wasn't so caught up in this trauma, if I could just find a way to move forward, everything would be ok.

All I know is that I just want all this to stop. I desperately want us to return to what we had and for me to make peace with these awful events. I just wish so much that I could have the DP I had before, and I am sure he wishes he could have the DP he had before.
We had such a perfect relationship. Really perfect. The love was so strong we always said nothing could break us. But now I'm sitting here broken into so many pieces that I don't know what to do anymore.

Like I said above, I used to be fairly confident. But I am just a shell these days. I don't know if that is because of the trauma, or because of the way DP treats me, or both. I just don't have any self confidence anymore.

But after saying all that, (and this is such a cliche and I've read this sort of thing time and time again with an massive eyeroll) but when he is not being like that, he is utterly amazing. Everyone adores him and he does so much for everyone. My own mum thinks he's the bees knees. Despite me confiding in her and driving to hers in tears in the middle of the night, she still thinks he's brilliant. My DC think he is too, despite him being very strict with them. All my friends think he's perfect for me and unlike anyone else I've ever been with, that I am so lucky to have someone like him.

This just makes me think it must be me.

I will probably regret posting this. There isn't much point TBH because even if you all tell me to leave him, I can't . I just can't.
I guess I just need some kind of understanding of all of this and reasons why he can't just hug me and tell me its all going to be ok, and that we can get through this together.
Maybe some suggestions on how to cope with his talks/outbursts without becoming a crying sobbing wreck, thus making things even worse.

Abuse or not, you're existing on crumbs from his table. Do you want to continue living like that? You deserve far better.

think about it, he didn't want children to start with and he doesn't want them now. He is and has tried to offer emotional support but his resources aren't never ending. He's probably fed up of going over and over the same thing.

Yes this is what I keep trying to tell you all and I'm quite honestly getting tired of explaining. I know he didn't want children, neither did I want any more, not hugely. I had a moment of broody madness at one point (which I was reminded of up thread) but I was happy with my two. More children were a 'nice to have', nothing more.
I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but I will continue to repeat myself until you take in this information:
I do not go over the same thing. It doesn't happen. I'd be quite happy to carry on and work things out for myself, find my own way through this. But I am pressurised into talking, when sometimes I don't even know I have anything to talk about! DP pressures me to talk, and I am not a natural talker (we just didn't do that growing up). So he actively encourages me to talk about my feelings to him. Almost forces me to talk, else he gives me the cold shoulder. So what choice do I actually have? Should I keep quiet in the hope he will stop the cold shoulder treatment? Or should I talk to him like he's asked?
I do the latter, and only then do I get berated.

If that is still not clear, then please let me know so I can try to explain again.

For his own mind, he has put this behind him or is trying to so I think you should allow him that freedom. - So please tell me why he wants me to keep regurgitating my feelings? Then berating me for it? Doesn't seem like he is putting things behind him tbh. Else he wouldn't hassle me to talk and he certainly wouldn't tell me off for talking when he's asked me to talk.

Blogs, posts, forums, therapists - that's a lot of outlets you have got - if it hasn't worked by now there is no use turning to him as he will also be at the end of his rope wondering what the hell to do with you. Start living for the now, look forward and plan for tomorrow - or stay stuck

Again, have you read my posts above? At all? They are working for me. The only thing pushing me back into the black hole is DP berating me when he asks me to open up to him. I am fooled into thinking it is safe to cry and tell him I'm having a bad day. I am doing perfectly fine without the shouting and belittling, without having to talk to him. I am not stuck thank you. Yes, now and again I struggle, usually at least once a day, but things are improving through the things I am working on (which you are all ignoring) I am planning for the future, I am doing things to make our lives happy. Pretty sure I've already told you this upthread. Not sure why I have to repeat myself over and over again.

No, they are not. I get the impression that some are still trying to be as supportive as they can muster, but encouraging you? I don't think so. In fact some of them desperately want you to stop.
Yes they encourage me, my friends share my blog on social networks, and send me all sorts of memes they've found relating to this. If that is not encouraging then I don't know...

My god this is tiring. Not really very helpful.

Besides this stupidness, DP and I are working things out. He is going to get counselling for his anger and trust issues. And I will continue to better my mind as I have been doing. In future, if he tries to make me open up to him, I just won't. I'll suffer the consequences of the cold shoulder, it's got to be better than being berated when I've spilled my heart out.

But I don't think he will do that to me anymore as he now knows it is not helpful and I can't move forward in this way.

Do you think bringing up what I've said on past threads is going to help us move forward? How long ago were these threads anyway? I have made massive progress since those. I learnt from thoe threads that I shouldn't keep talking about my pain, so I stopped. I have stopped for months. But the anger still carries on because he makes me talk But I just won't from now on. Whatsoever.

You know what, we love eachother. We do, we can't help it. We just do and we want this to work out. If you want to carry on bickering and casting aspersions, and telling me I'm doing things which I'm clearly not, then carry on.

I need a coffee.... Fucking exhausted. So much for my few days break... Entirely my fault for coming back here, of course.

bibliomania - I'm still very confused. I deliberately do not talk about my feeling to DP because it is unfair to keep going on about it.
Yet, when DP makes me talk to him I am berated by him. I am doing everything I can to make things better for all of us (as explained over and over again upthread). I don't need rescuing. I've realised that in the past few months which is why I set out to make things better myself.
Is this wrong then? What should I do when DP makes me talk to him? I'm really interested to know.

Laleague
You said yourself on another thread that your inability to move on from this is starting to push people away. You've given specific examples of things said by friends and family other than your DP.

Yes, so I stopped going to people since those threads. But then get in trouble for not talking...
Help me here!

What s 'not talking' though? Not talking about 'it' ? Or just shutting down and not talking?

Not talking about 'it'. I don't want to keep bringing it up. I'd rather just carry on happily to be honest. I don't want him to feel guilty about any of my feelings and I don't want to burden him like I have done in the previously.

This is why I can't get my head around the comments you and others have been making.

I honestly feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. So, in this respect, yes I guess I am stuck.

We talk about all sorts of things. We have a very chatty, and affectionate, and normal relationship when I'm not made to talk. We generally have a very happy and loving relationship... certainly seems that way to me anyway.

I just don't want to talk about 'it', because it makes him mad.

I can't tell you what to do (I'm sitting on my hands to avoid myself indulging in my own rescuer tendencies and working out a strategy for you!) You have or can acquire the tools. You may have to try out different strategies to see what works.

To indulge in therapy-speak, you can only change your steps in the dance or take yourself out of the dance. There's no point trying to demand that he changes his part of the dance. You can't control that.

To indulge in therapy-speak, you can only change your steps in the dance or take yourself out of the dance. There's no point trying to demand that he changes his part of the dance. You can't control that.

Yes I agree, which is why I am doing so, rather than going to DP. Because I don't want to give him 'compassion exhaustion' as someone mentioned upthread. I deliberately do not go to him for compassion any more. But he makes me.
I just don't think it is very nice or helpful to demand your loved one talks to you, then beats you down about it, you know?

I mean, DP has now realised this finally, so I am really just trying to understand all these comments on here. Tearing my hair out slightly though as no one seems to be reading my responses.

Hopefully he will no longer make me talk, thus causing his anger... But in future, it is hard to know what to do with him really. I think what is best is that I just tell him there is nothing that needs saying. Then he gets sad saying I won't talk to him about it.. I think I'll just say I want to move on, not keep dwelling on it.

I think that's fine if you have a plan for what you'll do when this arises in future. It may or may not change his behaviour.

LaLegue has a point in asking "What s 'not talking' though?" There is a difference between the following two scenarios. Let's do this with fictionalised examples (I am not saying this is you!):

• Jake asks Lucy to talk. Lucy says "Look, I'm dealing with it in other ways at the moment. Let's not have this conversation now". How Jake responds is up to him, but Lucy is taking responsibility for herself. She is not casting herself as the Victim and Jake as the Persecutor.

• Jake asks Lucy to talk. Lucy peers up at him with tears in her eyes and confides in a broken whisper that she can't possibly talk because Jake will only get angry. She will just deal with it in other ways. She is still putting herself in the Victim and making Jake the Persecutor because by implication he is a failed Rescuer.

OP, if the problem is that your DP makes you talk about your trauma and then reacts badly (which, to be honest, you could have stated more clearly in your initial post) - then tell him "Thank you for your support, but I don't want to talk about that with you. I don't think it's productive. I'm already working on it with my therapist".

If he gets angry or gives you the cold shoulder, you'll have to ignore him. Or ask your therapist to talk to him.

bibliomania yes, I think our example is the latter. I do get a bit tear jerky when he tells me to talk, well, not immediately, but when he keeps on at me I do get teary as I am worried he'll get angry.

I guess I need to be tough (deep breaths and smiles)and try for the former.

DistanceCal "Thank you for your support, but I don't want to talk about that with you. I don't think it's productive. I'm already working on it with my therapist". Yes! I like this.

Sorry if that wasn't clear in my OP, but I have mentioned it a lot in most of my responses. I guess it is hard to get everything down in one OP. I did say:
"He always says "we need to talk more" but when we do he raises his voice at me, swears at me, and points his finger. And if he doesn't do all that, or if I ask him not to shout, his tone is extremely authoritative and can still be very intimidating even when he isn't shouting.
He says things that, to me, sound like he's saying one thing, then when I get confused and misunderstand he gets more angry. "

That kind of explained it, I thought. But perhaps not terribly clear.

However, you did write very recently (at the end of last month) that you desperately wanted to try for a rainbow baby, it was literally all you thought about, but your DP had decided against it. That you knew for a fact that a rainbow baby would get you out of this hole, you knew for a fact it was your antidote, but you couldn't force your partner.

It's hard to believe that your partner doesn't notice your resentment AT ALL.

But again, it's something for you to work on with your therapist. Keep repeating this to your partner and refuse to engage with him, even if he insists.

You still get upset on a daily basis - go out for a run, to the bathroom, employ techniques given to you by the professionals.

To all intents and purposes it would be very hard living with someone who was upset everyday. And upset can manifest itself in different ways - your upset might look really bad to him, hard to ignore but hard for him to help.

You could always just tell him to fuck off, you know.

And when you tell him you want to move on hopefully he accepts. I cant understand why he would want to rake over it every day

Oh yes and what Elspeth said!

And when you tell him you want to move on hopefully he accepts.

Does the OP want to move on though? She seems to have wrapped her whole life around it, with blogs, posts etc.

Would he be open to getting the snip if he's not wanting kids? Take away the minute chance of babies healing might come after.

But drastic but everything about this situation seems extreme.

I know your blog is an outlet for you but maybe this is causing so much friction in your relationship. He either needs to stop reading it/participating or you need to stop writing on it.

He could stop reading it but because it's very public and your friends share your thoughts and feelings about your trauma it's hard for him to get away from.

Your relationship is far too public.

Sorry, forgot to add..

Maybe you need to make your posts completely anonymous. If he's reading what you are writing, is that why he wants to talk to you because it disturbs him?

You both clearly have very different ways of communicating and this isn't a very good foundation of a healthy relationship.

Would he be open to getting the snip if he's not wanting kids? Take away the minute chance of babies healing might come after. But drastic but everything about this situation seems extreme.

I have often thought it might be a good idea for me to be sterilised, you know. Means that DP's guilt can be lifted. I think I would struggle though. I hadn't thought of him getting the snip.. Though he doesn't want to rule out not ever having children. This is what makes it very confusing. He is very very undecided. Well, one minute he couldn't imagine anything worse, and then next he's saying he may do in the future. However, we are both at the end of our 30's so, realistically I do not have that much time for dilly dallying.

You still get upset on a daily basis - go out for a run, to the bathroom, employ techniques given to you by the professionals. - I do these daily, and they do help. I love running especially and have signed up for another half later on in the year. Just wish I wouldn't have to open up to DP. I will tell him I cannot talk to him about it. I need to be firm!
Not quite sure I'm brave enough to tell him to fuck off though!

By the way, my upset is generally during the day when we are not together. When we are together in the evening it makes me happy. He makes me smile, so long as he's not yelling at me, which I think (hope) he will stop doing now.

Yes I wonder if he should stop reading my blog, but he loves it and is so proud of my and my writing. He thinks it is good for me. And, he's right, it feels great.

However, you did write very recently (at the end of last month) that you desperately wanted to try for a rainbow baby, it was literally all you thought about, but your DP had decided against it. That you knew for a fact that a rainbow baby would get you out of this hole, you knew for a fact it was your antidote, but you couldn't force your partner.
Oh yes, I can't stop that. This is what I am working on. Yes it upsets me daily, but during the day when we are apart. Loads of triggers which I am trying very hard to make peace with.
I absolutely believe that having our Rainbow would fix me. Without a shadow of doubt, but there are four of us in this relationship. So, if he says no, then it has to be no. This is why I want to make peace with his decision, not try to force him to change his mind.

Like I've said before, I do believe that being forced to talk and then being yelled at and having all emotional support withdrawn (when I never talk about it to him anyway) has aided in my slow recovery. I take a huge step forward, things look great, then bam! I have to talk, and I am shoved back down again. Yes I am responsible for my own feelings, I don't have to cower and become so weak and empty, but it is very hard when the man you've fallen in love with behaves in this way. It is very intimidating and really quite frightening.

Maybe you need to make your posts completely anonymous. If he's reading what you are writing, is that why he wants to talk to you because it disturbs him? - Yes might be a good idea, but I share them myself and he will see that. He wants to talk because he doesn't believe in keeping feelings from eachother. This whole 'talking' thing is still quite new to me. I come from the type of family who don't really discuss feelings. I've never ever been good with facing anger. I was as good as gold at school because I was terrified of getting into trouble! Such a wuss child! Seems I have taken that trait into adulthood.

In what way does the blog help you? Raising awareness of miscarriage aside, you can write your thoughts and feelings down on a piece of paper as an outlet. I don't think having all your personal thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see is good for you at the moment, at least not until you're in a better place emotionally. I'm only saying this because, even though you write beautifully about your trauma, you're not coming across as very stable (sorry if that sounds horrible).

Or is it more to do with raising awareness? If so, there are better ways to do this and protect yourself at the same time. Sharing all these thoughts on social media is not good for you in the long run. You might look back at at this period (when you're better) and be horrified, and you can't undo it.

OP, you go on about your DP and your own suffering. You have hardly mentioned your two children.

This must be horrendous for them. And I can guarantee that they must have thought, at some point, that you would rather have a baby than them.

Perhaps you shouldn't focus so much on your relationship with your partner but rather on being a mother who is happy with her (living) children.