Relationships or mental health.... I don't know. I do know that I'm desperately unhappy

[sorryforthenamechangebut]

I've had to name change, I'm sorry. But My DP knows my username and I need some advice without him searching for me.
This might be long, just to warn you, as I'm trying to get down everything, but I will do my best to make it easy to read.

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I don't know for sure.
I don't know if it is me, or if he has anger management issues

Something hugely traumatic happened to us twice last year. I don't want to disclose details as it will out me, but I have struggled with day to day life since. I have had various counselling and CBT and it has been suggested (not diagnosed) by one of my therapists that I may have PTSD and PND as showing all the signs.

As I say, I can't manage day to day life terribly well. So many things trigger me, but I am trying to find a way to make peace with it and pretty much failing TBH. DP is desperate to move on. So am I, but I can't seem to find a way right now.

DP tries to be patient with me. He really does. But he is a talker (well, shouter) and I hate confrontation. Always have.

He always says "we need to talk more" but when we do he raises his voice at me, swears at me, and points his finger. And if he doesn't do all that, or if I ask him not to shout, his tone is extremely authoritative and can still be very intimidating even when he isn't shouting.
He says things that, to me, sound like he's saying one thing, then when I get confused and misunderstand he gets more angry.

I end up with my head swimming in confusion wondering what has happened. The more he shouts at me, the more confused I get about what he is saying. I tell him that all this tension is my fault because of the trauma and how its affected me and I apologise to him all the time. I tell him I hate myself for feeling the way I do and that I wish the pain would just go away.
But he says how can he love me when I don't even love myself. That he's a big believer in loving yourself in order for others to love you.

But its a vicious circle because I feel like this tension makes me hate myself, it gives me low self esteem. Especially when he is shouting at me. I just want to hide away and put my hands over my ears and hope that I disappear into thin air, just to make all the pain of the trauma and the shouting to stop.

I have always been a fairly confident person. When we first met nearly two years ago, I was even more confident as he used to constantly tell me how gorgeous/hot I was and he used to want to spend so much time with me, and text me all day. Sending me flowers to my office and going out of his way to make me happy and spend time with me. Things were so perfect. I'd never seen this side to him ever, nor had I ever seen this side to anyone.
But then we experienced this awful thing, twice, and things started to change.
I can't just be upset, I can't talk to him when I'm upset because that is when the anger starts. It's like he's forgotten how to be gentle and soothing and comforting. And if he doesn't shout at me, then he becomes really distant. When I need him the most, he spends more time away from me, almost withholding affection unless I specifically ask for it - then it isn't sincere. All I need is a hug and some gentle reassurance that we'll get through this together. But he says that is false and he should be allowed to be angry as it is 'just another emotion' All I ever say to him is "all I need is a hug" and he just refuses and says "it's all about what YOU want". "I'm such an ogre aren't I". "I've been hugging you but it is never enough!" "I'm such a prick, aren't I..." etc etc...

When these episodes happen, I get worse. I've never been so deep in depression in my entire life. A few weeks ago I even frantically searched for the pain killers so that I could just drift away and never come back, but he ran after me into the bathroom and took them from me. I was just so desperate to escape the hatred coming from him. It was a stupid moment of sheer desperation. Then it happened again, the next time he had an 'episode' I became so low that I hid in the bathroom and self harmed. I've never ever done anything like that before. And it didn't feel good afterwards, in fact I felt incredibly stupid, but I just didn't know where to turn. I almost wanted to see the pain I was feeling so badly.

I feel like he would rather see me deeply distraught than hug me and soothe me.

What is wrong with me? Is it me even? I have never experienced this kind of anger before. Completely and utterly unforgiving anger comes from him. Like nothing in the world will make him compassionate and loving.

Is it a form of narcissism even? I see that word thrown around on here regularly and googled, then found several articles. He seems to tick so many boxes, but am I just searching for a blame? Maybe it is me. If I wasn't so caught up in this trauma, if I could just find a way to move forward, everything would be ok.

All I know is that I just want all this to stop. I desperately want us to return to what we had and for me to make peace with these awful events. I just wish so much that I could have the DP I had before, and I am sure he wishes he could have the DP he had before.
We had such a perfect relationship. Really perfect. The love was so strong we always said nothing could break us. But now I'm sitting here broken into so many pieces that I don't know what to do anymore.

Like I said above, I used to be fairly confident. But I am just a shell these days. I don't know if that is because of the trauma, or because of the way DP treats me, or both. I just don't have any self confidence anymore.

But after saying all that, (and this is such a cliche and I've read this sort of thing time and time again with an massive eyeroll) but when he is not being like that, he is utterly amazing. Everyone adores him and he does so much for everyone. My own mum thinks he's the bees knees. Despite me confiding in her and driving to hers in tears in the middle of the night, she still thinks he's brilliant. My DC think he is too, despite him being very strict with them. All my friends think he's perfect for me and unlike anyone else I've ever been with, that I am so lucky to have someone like him.

This just makes me think it must be me.

I will probably regret posting this. There isn't much point TBH because even if you all tell me to leave him, I can't . I just can't.
I guess I just need some kind of understanding of all of this and reasons why he can't just hug me and tell me its all going to be ok, and that we can get through this together.
Maybe some suggestions on how to cope with his talks/outbursts without becoming a crying sobbing wreck, thus making things even worse.

All the shouting isn't normal, particularly when you're so vulnerable.

What do you need to recover OP? Where can you get what you need? He's not supportive, so he's not the answer.

if you don't want to call WA op - please call the samaritans - they will just listen to you - different from here - they don' t give any advice - just listen and support.

I agree with other posters here - its time to stop looking to your P to help you out of this place - you truly believe if he did this or if he did that you'd be ok - but that's just not real - today please focus your energy and do something just for you.

I don't know who you are exactly but I am going to guess that these 'joint traumas' have been PG related as there a few bells ringing for me here, I have vague recollections of other threads from you relating to these 'traumas'.

I think I know who you are OP. If I'm right, I imagine it can be extremely frustrating, upsetting and bewildering living with you at times. Also, a lot of your trauma/sadness and slow recovery is because you want him to try again and he doesn't want to. I can imagine that this also terribly pressurising for him and I bet at times he gets furious with you.

But also he sounds completely unequipped to deal with your recovery in many ways. I feel like you are probably both destroying each other. Perhaps what has happened and, really sadly, destroyed what you had. Life is a complete bastard sometimes.

I'm sorry for you. But this relationship is not healthy and hasnt been for some time. And it's terrible for your DC. Please move out. I think once you're away from the possibility of him agreeing to try again, you will begin to be able to move on x

I just want to reiterate everything this poster said. It's interesting that you haven't chosen to respond to it, I imagine there are some home truths there that you are not prepared/ready to hear or accept.

as yoksha says - you are NOT going to heal all the wile he is shouting at you. While he is withholding hugs and comfort. While he is blaming you for being - well, you.

Get away from him for a bit. He neeeds to leave so you can think and get some space.

You may need WA to give you some help with that.

HI, I'm sorry for not responding sooner.

I know you're all right. If I was looking at this from the outside 'd be screaming at me.

This has never happened before. I'm not one for 'abusive' relationships which is why I don't even know if this is, or its just the trauma that has affected us both so differently.
I know that I can't heal with him being angry.
I messaged him yesterday suggesting Anger Management classes. The last I heard from him was at 2:30pm agreeing it was a good idea.
I've heard nothing from him since, despite me messaging him and saying I love him and saying gooodnight etc.. (I know, dick thing to do, right? always seems like a good idea at the time doesn't it)

I stupidly looked on Fb and he was all over it clearly having a whale of a time getting drunk at his parents, celebrating some football victory. I have deactivated my account, as I can't see that while I'm experiencing so much heartache.

This is all such a fucking drama. I hate myself for getting so caught up in it all. It didn't have to be this way. I wish so much that I never fell in love with him. I used to be strong. I would never let anyone have so much of an effect on me.

What has happened to me!?

I can't stop crying. I spoke to a friend yesterday. She said she doesn't think he's being abusive, she knows him. She said she can see how much he loves me and that we are just going through this trauma is two very different ways.
She said, if it comes to it, she would want me to come to hers with the DC and stay with her for a few days or however long. So we have somewhere to go now if we have to, at least for the short term.

I didn't want to call WA because I know that they will want me to leave him and I'm not ready to, unless he tells me its over and I have to...
I don't want to waste their time moaning to them when I'm not even going to take their advice.

A bit like this thread really. I've asked you all for your advice and I know you're all making perfect sense, but I just can't do it.

I guess I just wanted to cry out to someone who doesn't know me. Find out if I'm being irrational and dramatic, or if it really is abuse.
Get some sort of perspective.

He packed a bag and stayed at his dads last night, I miss him so very much that I can't stop crying. I need his arms around me, like he does when he's being kind.

I don't even now what I'm saying anymore. I'm just blurting out my mind to you all.

I do appreciate everything you've said though. I know I'm a fool and its not fair on the DC. But he's just so bloody amazing with them, despite being strict, they really do love eachother. The DC light up when he comes in the door after work.

I do wonder if I'm just super sensitive and can't cope with anger because its not something I've ever had to deal with. I was never subjected to anger growing up I was always good as a child, a people pleaser really. So having someone lash out at me just throws me into confusion and despair. Perhaps I just need to grow a pair...

Have you thought about therapy that's aimed at helping with trauma?
EMDR (eye movement desensitisation reprocessing).

It doesn't sound to me as if he's abusive. Is he exhibiting any controlling behaviours? It sounds more like to me that you are both trying to deal with some traumatic events and their aftermath and you have lost each other in the process.

Sometimes when you get into a pattern of "missing each other" communication wise every interaction becomes difficult and turns into an argument. It sounds that you both deal with things differently and this will be exacerbating it. I am guessing that he feels very angry and doesn't know what to do with it and is directing it at you.

This constant confrontation and coldness will not be aiding your recovery at all. All very unhealthy and the relationship sounds very toxic at the moment.

Have you thought about trying relationship counselling? This might help you get your communication back to where it used to be and for the relationship to become a source of support rather than adding to your problems.

I am sorry you are going through this.

You say that he does still hold you and comfort you but you want more of that, and he's saying that no matter how much he does it it's never enough for you and you accuse him of being cold. (paraphrasing)

Do you think he is scared of too much intimacy because he's worried you will use it to manipulate him into agreeing to something he doesn't want?

And if you got what you wanted do you think this deep awful depression would miraculously lift and disappear?

How much of it is clinical and how much of it is just sadness and frustration at your loss and an inability to persuade him to do it all again?

user - That has been suggested to me before actually. I should look into that, thank you for reminding me

MiniMum97 - He will hug me or hold my hand in general day to day life. General affection, which I do love, and I reciprocate.
But it is when he asks me to talk to him and open up, those times when I really need him to hold me because I've been triggered or just feeling particularly down. Those are the times he backs off and refuses to give me affection. Those are the times he shouts and loses his temper.
You know, when a friend is clearly struggling, I hug them. Hugs are proven to make you feel good - even slightly. If my DP was clearly struggling and was feeling down, I'd hug him. It's just a human reflex I guess. For me anyway. And for all the people I call friends.

I am not asking him to give me his soul. I just want a hug and a gentle talk. Like adults.
Ultimately yes, I'd love for him to change his mind about a particular thing, but my god, that won't help us. He knows for a fact that all I ever ask from him is to help me through his decision following our trauma. A decision he has not made lightly. All I ever ask for is his compassion and help move me forward so we can enjoy life. But shouting and telling me off when I confide in him just destroys me. It has taken all of my self-confidence away because it has happened too many times now. I'm a shell of the person I used to be before he started getting angry at me. I spend the whole 'episode' apologising and telling him how much I hate myself for being sad and for grieving and hate myself for making him angry.
Then he says "how can you expect me to love you if you don't even love yourself"
Well, how can I love myself if the man who is supposed to love me attacks me whenever I'm at a low point?
Catch 22, really.
Funny that I liked myself before, isnt it. Funny that I had so much confidence before, isn't it.

It's also funny that on the very rare times when I am low and he actually responds with a hug, I feel so much better.

I don't know how much of it is clinical. I do know that I am frustrated at myself. I am frustrated that I can't just move on and forget the healing that most women seem to have. I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to just find another way. I'm frustrated that I can't just 'fix up', as he calls it. And I am frustrated that the man I love (and supposedly cares for me) refuses to help me with simple kindness.

(I've probably let on far more than I intended to on here. So I await the bullies from my previous threads...)

I think the EMDR is definitely worth looking at. I plan to try it myself, one of my nephews had it some years ago for ocd, and it really helped.
I don't know your story but he is in the wrong to shout at you. That is coming from something in him not you. Just ask yourself if it was the other way round, would you shout at him?

Of course not. I don't ever swear at him either. I never have done. (whereas he's told me to fuck off several times over the weekend, when I've dared to say anything in response to his anger)
I always speak softly and calmly to him. I ask him not to point his finger in my face, I ask him not to raise his voice. He responds with "OK, I'll just talk in monotone shall I?"
If he was down, I'd speak gently to him and try and build him up. I've never knock him down.

I just don't understand it. I've honestly never met anyone like this in my life. This is what makes me question his behaviour, because I have never come across it with anyone before. It's not just me he can get angry at either. He has told me before he's made people cry at work. He has spent a lifetime fighting with his dad - they are both very verbally aggressive men so obviously clash.

I just think he and his dad have no idea on how to be tactful. Perhaps because of the way their minds work or something. They don't see tact as being helpful. Whereas I think there is a time and place for things to be said. I like to be gentle with people when they need to offload. I like to support people with kindness when they are at a low point. Perhaps I'm the odd one?

I think you are in a very difficult situation in that for him to 'help you' through coming to terms with his decision, he must feel like he has to endlessly atone for it. The subtext for him 'helping you come to terms with his decision' could be that he has to listen to you beg and cry and be told that his decision is the reason for your abject misery and asking why why why more times than he can bear and he's losing his shit over it.

I'm not sure whether 'the first thing that ended in trauma' was a planned? If not then perhaps his heart was never really in it and he went along with the second 'thing that ended in trauma' as a reaction to seeing how upset you were, or to pleading.

Maybe he thinks that you see his unwillingness to go through it again as a sign that he never wanted it in the first place, or that he was secretly relieved those traumas happened. Or I might be completely wrong, I don't know. But I think perhaps you are making him feel very guilty. What is it he keeps wanting to talk to you about that you can't cope with or listen to?

Okay, after your last post I really do think all is lost and for both your sakes you need to call it a day. This anger is going to escalate. Maybe it's a reaction to the traumas, a vey polar opposite reaction to the one you've had, but it's an unhealthy environment meant for your children to be in and he's. It going to give you what you want so I think you should release one another.

Has the incident affected him as much as you ? I don't think he is abusive but he is struggling to cope with his emotions and wanting to make you better ? We all say and do things in the heat of an argument . People on here are so quick to call someone abusive. I have suffered physical amd emotional abuse but iv also had arguments with partners who day hurtful things but I wouldn't class them as abusive . I hope this makes sense. Can you go to counselling together to talk through your issues ??

Honestly?

He's a bit of a prick.

FrenchLavender -
could be that he has to listen to you beg and cry and be told that his decision is the reason for your abject misery and asking why why why more times than he can bear and he's losing his shit over it.
Nope. This doesn't ever happen. For one I know that won't get me anywhere, it would just make him mad. I never hassle him about it. Ever. I always reiterate that I do not want him to change his mind unless he wants to. He knows this.

The only thing he hears from me is that I struggled seeing a trigger today or I'm feeling like this because I can't handle the trigger at work today. He knows that I just need a hug and compassion. The problem is, I would keep these feelings to myself if he didn't force them out of me. But when he forces them out of me, he gets angry. I can't win.
I won't let me bury my feelings under the carpet, but he shouts at me when I release them or when I cry. So I often go and cry on my own in another room then sort myself out, take a deep breath and smile.
I hate making hi feel guilty, so I'd much rather keep my feelings to myself. But he won't let me. If I don't tell him what is on my mind, he refuses to talk to me until I spill.

I feel stuck. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

French Lavender - I have to say that I'm surprised at your assumption that I make him feel guilty, when in fact I go out of my way to build him up and tell him it is not his fault. That he is doiing the right thing and that I wish I could think in the way he does, rather than with my heart and my gut.
I don't resent him whatsoever. He tells me I do, but I constantly tell him I don't, which is the truth. I tell him I resent myself, not him. I actually spend a lot of my energies building him up. He needs a lot of that. I am constantly telling him that I appreciate everything he does. Always thanking him when he offers to do anything, even making dinner or putting a wash on. To whch he replies, you don't have to thank me all the time. Yet when he shouts at me, he tells me I don't appreciate him.

I end up completely and utterly bewildered. Bar getting down on my hands and knees and kissing his feet, I have no idea how to be more grateful to him.

He still sounds abusive to me, but then I don't like people who make others cry. Objectively, OP, without the hearts and flowers at the beginning, knowing how he actually is, would you opt to spend time with him? Because he doesn't sound like your type of person at all.

I'm so sorry you're going through what is obviously a horrendous time.

You need some distance from him, ideally with a kind friend who will hold you when you need a hug.

Take your friend up on her offer. Go and stay with her for a couple of weeks. Or could your DCs stay with their dad and continue to go to school while you get a proper break?

Agree with the PP who suggested therapy rather than counselling. I know several people who've had EMDR for trauma and found it helpful.

You sound like a lovely caring person and you deserve to be with someone who shows you they love you too

Thank you for explaining sorry I didn't mean to sound accusatory! I was just trying to think of possible reasons to explain his angry outbursts. It sounds shit and unfair on you. I think you should be calling this a day now, I really do.

"When I tell him "I feel like this, when he does this" he says we are all responsible for out own feelings and emotions and it isn't his problem if I feel that way. "

Yes this is true, but its ALSO a pile of bollocks depending on how its used. If someone is yelling and shouting and fingerpointing and it makes you sad and upset, they are not blameless in that - its not difficult to understand that you can hurt someone by saying hurtful things, even children understand that.

"His parents are supposed to be coming over tonight, but he has told me that they can't now and it is my fault. "

This just sounds to me like the abuser classic of "look what you made me do".

Anyone can be nice and loving when things are going their way and everything is as they want it. If hes only loving when its easy - when youre already happy - then thats not real love.

He sounds horrible and abusive.
My son died recently and my DH has been kind, patient and supportive.
We are looking after each other, which is how normal relationships work.
I am sorry he is damaging your mental health. It cant be good for your dc either.

He sounds absolutely awful and definitely abusive. Get some space from him and try to clear your head a bit.

endoftheline -

So sorry endoftheline

I'm not one for 'abusive' relationships

Erm... not many of us are tbf. Do you think there's a type? There isn't. It can happen to anyone and everyone. Noone is immune.