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Original poster

My birthday or uncles funeral...

251 replies

Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 12:46

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 02/05/2017 12:47

Yes. Celebrate your birthday on a different day.

Whileweareonthesubject · 02/05/2017 12:47

Yes.

BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 12:48

YABU. Why can't you just celebrate another day?

blueskyinmarch · 02/05/2017 12:48

No it shouldn’t be a difficult decision - he should go to the funeral of course.

He wants to go to represent his family and as a mark of respect. You will have a birthday every year. His uncle will have only one funeral. Don’t be so selfish.

WonderMike · 02/05/2017 12:49

I presume that you'll be having other birthdays but your DP's uncle will just be having the one funeral?

AlcoholAndIrony · 02/05/2017 12:50

You will have many more birthdays but his uncle will only have one funeral, regardless of closeness.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/05/2017 12:50

You sound beeeyond unreasonable. Jeez! Confused

halcyondays · 02/05/2017 12:51

yabu, you have a birthday every year but a family funeral is a one off which can't be changed.

KreamyKoala · 02/05/2017 12:51

Yes, completely. If anything, you should be making his decision easier by encouraging him to go and telling him you can easily celebrate your birthday another day, which of course you can. Why don't you go with him? That would be a supportive thing to do for a partner.

willconcern · 02/05/2017 12:51

YABVU

beekeeper17 · 02/05/2017 12:52

Yes. Even though he wasn't in contact with his uncle, it's nice that he's got a sense of family and wants to represent his mother. You should be happy that he's so thoughtful and not dismissive of his family, those are good qualities in a partner. You can celebrate your birthday a couple of days earlier or later.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 02/05/2017 12:52

What? He goes to his uncles funeral and grieves with his family/ supports them while they grieve of course! Are you 7?! It's only a birthday- do it another day.

stonecircle · 02/05/2017 12:52

Yep - you really do sound VERY unreasonable.

intravenouscoffee · 02/05/2017 12:53

Ring him back. Tell him of course he should go to the funeral.

You're a couple, you support one another. Move your birthday celebrations to another day.

Syc4moreTrees · 02/05/2017 12:54

Sorry, agree with the others YABU

sleepingdragons · 02/05/2017 12:55

No question he should go to the funeral.

You are making yourself look very immature and self centred to prioritise your birthday over a family funeral.

Even if he hasn't seen his uncle in years his presence may help support his family in their grief.

I suggest you apologise quickly and think about how you can support him / his family while they are grieving.

If the thing that it's in your power to do, to support your OH is make it essy for him to go by not giving him a hard time then do that.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/05/2017 12:55

YABU. It wouldn't even enter my head for him not to go.

Firenight · 02/05/2017 12:56

Of course he should go to the funeral. One overnight at most or even day trip possible.

MrsGsnow18 · 02/05/2017 12:56

I think he should attend the funeral, you can celebrate your birthday together another time.

Fishface199 · 02/05/2017 12:57

I've moved my birthday celebrations because of job interviews or relatives visiting, so a funeral is a no brainer! Of course he should go.

And yes what a good guy for wanting to represent his family.

ZacharyQuack · 02/05/2017 12:57

MIL died last year. When I saw how moved FIL was by all the people who traveled to get to her funeral, and how people came who he hadn't seen for years, or came to represent other family members, and how that made a really difficult time a bit easier for him, DH and SILs, I've made a decision to move my arse and go to funerals. Celebrate your birthday on another day, and appreciate that your DH is willing to move his arse to help make someone else feel a wee bit better.

Mythreeknights · 02/05/2017 12:58

You are definitely being unreasonable.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/05/2017 12:58

I find it odd that he would consider it ‘a difficult decision'. Almost like he expected your reaction...

robinofsherwood · 02/05/2017 12:58

My DH hasnt seen his uncle in years. Hopefully we will see him soon. Time and cost have stopped either of them visiting and they are both rubbish on the phone but they care. It would take something big to stop him going to his funeral.

isittheholidaysyet · 02/05/2017 12:58

Funeral, every time. Go with him if you want to be with him on your birthday. (You and DC don't have to attend the actual funeral if that would be difficult/awkward.)

Adult birthdays aren't really a thing, except when you turn 18, 21, or hit a new decade. Even then an adult can understand about celebrating on a different day.