Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My birthday or uncles funeral...

251 replies

Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 12:46

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/05/2017 14:22

and that has not been part of a deal

Errr yes it was. She is his DD and you knew that. She has just as much right to be in your home as your DS does.

PuppyMonkey · 02/05/2017 14:29

You should both plan something now for another day to celebrate your birthday properly - so you've got a date to look forward to while he's away at the funeral. It's a shame it's worked out like this but it's not something you can blame him for this time I don't think.

OutnumberedbyFurchesters · 02/05/2017 14:30

I assume you're also one of these people who would take a day off work for their birthday because "it's my birthday!"

Drip feeding and making yourself sound even worse.

Have you ever thought that 15 year old daughter picks up on your feelings of her not being "part of the deal" of yours and DPs happy family with just you him and YOUR child when she had to move in with you after trouble with her mum she'd lived with for 14 years? Do you think she really wants to live with someone like you who makes her feel unwelcome? She's 15. You're how old?
It may be hard being a step parent but all you've said about her living with you is how she's caused issues between you and DP. No positives.

Would you like a future partner of yours to treat your son the same way as you're treating her?

1bighappyfamily · 02/05/2017 14:36

Gosh you sound just delightful.

poor girl Sad

ScarlettFreestone · 02/05/2017 14:36

Maya you sound upset and I'm sorry you are feeling down.

You formed a relationship with someone who had a child. Of course she was part of the deal. She was always going to be part of the deal.

Just as your child is now inextricably part of any relationship anyone has with you.

He is responsible for his DD in exactly the same way he is responsible for his DS.

If you died (to take an extreme example) would you not expect any new partner of his to take on your child?

It's exactly the same.

Your DSD shouldn't be disrespectful to you of course but she's fifteen. I imagine you might find your own child trying from time to time when he reaches his teenage years. And that's without a family breakdown, what sound like serious family issues and a new baby.

Your DP has taken on his troubled daughter and is supporting his grieving family. These things no doubt make your life more difficult but they are signs that he is a good man and a good father. Don't use them as sticks to beat him with.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/05/2017 14:37

Your subsequent post, however much you try to justify your behaviour, isn't painting you in a good light.

BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 14:39

The bit about the step daughter is just making you sound worse OP.

You think he shouldn't go to his uncles funeral because you have already feel relegated to second place because he prioritised his daughter over your feelings.

He sounds like a keeper TBH OP. That's the sort of man you wasn't.

BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 14:39

*want. Not wasn't!

Wondermoomin · 02/05/2017 14:40

You sound horrible now. That poor girl, she's 15, still a kid. Your partner probably feels like he's living with a moody teenager, a young son, and his teenage daughter.

Bringmesunshite · 02/05/2017 14:43

Why be angry that he is going to his Mum's brother's funeral? There might be other shit going on but park that for this one.
At my Mum's funeral, a cousin showed up to represent his late mother (my Mum's sister). There was bad blood between the sisters which turned to polite card exchanges and attempts to be civil over the years but nothing more.
It meant the world to me to see this cousin who I hadn't seen or had contact with for nearly 40 years. On the day of the funeral, that's the shit that matters.

SmurfPants · 02/05/2017 14:43

fucking hell OP, you're making it sound like you think your needs should come above HIS DAUGHTER's??

And that the funeral has been planned purposely to take his attention away from you?

You're being incredibly selfish and immature.

Pinkheart5917 · 02/05/2017 14:44

His 15year old daughter is living with us and that has not been part of a deal how was that not part of the deal? You know when you met him that he had a child already so she's always been part of the "deal" and I'd rather be with a man that took responsibility for his child by moving them in than one that didn't.

The ds you have with him will be no more important to him than his dd and both children have a right to be in that house becuase he is the father of both of them.

Sounds to me like you not only want to be put above the funeral but his dd too.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/05/2017 14:46

It gets worse....

Original poster
Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 14:49

Yes, I have actually taken a day off work for my birthday.

No, it wasn't in anyway part of the deal we made. Before we moved in together, way before we had a child, I told him very explicitly that I don't want to live with his daughter. He accepted that as long as she could stay over 2 nights per week+holidays. That was the deal.

Things changed and I have taken her in as I thought she needed our help and support.
Nothing positive came out of it for us. It has been constant drama and attempts at spliting us up. Almost successful.

This 15(almost 16) year old is not a child and knows exactly what she has caused and while I have a lot of sympathy for the difficult position she is in I have enough of my life being about her(or her mothers) issues all the time.

And I don't want her to stay in my house, under my care, dealing with a non sleeping 1year old on my own again, so that he can make holiday arrangements for her and attend a funeral.

OP posts:
SmurfPants · 02/05/2017 14:51

FFS he needs to LTB

BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 14:52

Well then more fool you for thinking that when push came to shove your wishes would be more important to him than his daughter.

Listen to yourself OP, you sound very spiteful.

twattymctwatterson · 02/05/2017 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 14:52

Agree smurf

FlossyMooToo · 02/05/2017 14:52

Oh god why is he with you? Does he know how you feel about his child?

I am off this thread I cannot believe how nasty you are.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/05/2017 14:53

I told him very explicitly that I don't want to live with his daughter. He accepted that as long as she could stay over 2 nights per week+holidays. That was the deal.

Wow. Just wow.

Aren't you a delight.

And I don't want her to stay in my house

It's your partners house and his DD house just as much as it is yours and your DS.

You sound like a toddler having a tantrum.

Wondermoomin · 02/05/2017 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 02/05/2017 14:54

You are really asking this?

Quickieat2 · 02/05/2017 14:54

There are other ways day to day he can show you that you're a priority.

However the most reasonable thing would be for him to attend the funeral and celebrate with you on a different day. It would be rather self-centred of you to put your foot down.

Oh and you knew he had a daughter when you committed to having a relationship. There has always been the possibility that she might live with you because he is her parent.

Things change. Life evolves. She's obviously at a difficult life stage having left her mum and undertaking stress GCSEs.

AllStar14 · 02/05/2017 14:54

Jesus! What the fuck is wrong with you? You cannot be this selfish, nobody is this self-centred. I'm just...wow.

ScarlettFreestone · 02/05/2017 14:54

Sorry Maya life doesn't work like that. You always need to plan for worst case scenario. What if her mother had died?

He has a child (and she'll always be his child regardless of age) and she is his responsibility.

How would you feel if he just cast your DS aside for a new relationship?

And I'm sorry, a non sleeping baby doesn't give you a pass on this.