My birthday or uncles funeral...

[Mayaa6]

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

she left the animal hungry for days!

Could you not see the animal was hungry too?

believe in honesty and didn't feel like I could move in with 2 people full time.

Well you broke that when you had your DS which was before your DSD moved in. Or is that OK as he is 'yours'

OP, it sounds like a difficult adjustment. But please remember that your SD is a child, and has gone through a difficult time. Give her some slack, don't make your DP stuck in the middle.

It doesn't sound as though you have much feeling for her, other than negative. This is such a shame for her. She will 100% realise that she's there against your wishes and that her half sibling is the child that is wanted. Whatever has gone on with her mum must also be affecting her emotions too. Can't you begin to understand how she must be feeling?

Try love bombing her. It may feel 'forced', at first, but it may being some happiness into a family that sounds as though it needs it.

Anyone who watches an animal going hungry for days rather than step in and feed it when a child falls down on the job is hardly any more mature?
What sort of point were you making there, op?
Were you hoping the poor animal would die so you could beat her round the head with it??

Even if you made 'a deal' though, you can never be sure that a DC from a previous relationship will not come to live with you. An ex can become ill or die or unable to care for the DC - and in that case you then have to step in. So if you get into a relationship with someone who already has a DC you have to be prepared for that DC (or those DC - there could be several), to come and live with you FT. It's the kind of thing you can't just make 'a deal' about and then breathe of sigh of relief that it will never happen. There are always circumstances under which it might. And if that's a deal-breaker for you then you should walk away from the relationship.

Shame on him for entering into a deal with you regarding his daughters care in the first place.

I bet you are hoping the animal died so you can beat OP round head with it.

Really. She asked advice about feeling bad about something.

An insane pasting for days is not needed really.

Her dH was NC with his uncle who died yet she is ignoring the funeral of a sainted uncle according to mN.

MN at its ugliest.

And i said OP was unreasonable too.

Op didn't say he was NC with his uncle. Just didn't have contact with him. I have uncles and aunts I haven't seen for ages. I'm not NC with them. Not the same thing at all.

Maya, you made a deal, but when you are with someone, you have to be aware that unexpected situations may arise regarding their family - particularly when they have children.

I believe you that your partner has a problematic child and a problematic ex, and I'm sorry that you are having to go through that. But you do have to go through that if you are with him.

I speak as someone whose partner has children (although I don't have any of my own). You can support him and give him advice, and of course set boundaries within your own home. But you cannot expect him to ignore his child, because he's her father, it's his duty, and he loves her.

I'm sorry you took the day off, but it really is extremely unreasonable to put your birthday before a family funeral. I understand that you want your husband to focus more on you, but not on that day specifically.

Am.hiding thread. Hope OP has

Also, I don't really understand why you are so upset because your husband will be making arrangement for his child's holiday. How on earth does that hurt or affect you?

He's her father. That doesn't mean that he should take you for granted, of course not, but for some time still, he has to take care of her. She is underage. You are not.

You sound horrible.

I wonder op if you are interpreting normal teenage behaviour as rebellion against you?
I was really cross with my 18 year old DS this morning. He was late for school - despite me having set my alarm so I could make sure he didn't sleep through his. He left wet towels on his bedroom floor, dirty washing was piled up on his chair (laundry basket is opposite his bedroom door), used cups and plates were on his desk and empty food wrappers were on the floor.

I can see how, if I didn't love the bones of him and if I wasn't 100% sure of his love for me, then I'd interpret his behaviour as difficult, disruptive and an attempt to cause trouble.

Maybe your sdd is just an ordinary teenager?

For what it's worth, I think it would be worth having individual counselling. A friend once told me I'd never be happy with anyone unless I was happy with myself. You might think you were honest and upfront about DSD but things change, as they have, and as an 'adult' you find a way to make it work. You might think you were happy with just DS and DH but it seems that's as long as things were on your terms with supposedly no external input/distractions. When things don't go your way, cracks start appearing, maybe because of misguided expectations.
I think MN have been bit harsh as you never know the whole story. Your DH and his ex split for some reason and we don't know why or how relationship ended. I'm just thinking there must have been some issues there already and you may have known it wasn't going to be plain sailing but went ahead anyway.
But back to OP, you've realised you were BVU and just hope this doesn't cause further problems.
Just a thought, if he's organising holiday for DSD with his cousin, does that not mean you will get some time together?
He sounds very thoughtful.

Why do people do that?

Op: am I being unreasonable and selfish
Mumsnet: yes you are
op: no im not because of this. Drip drip drip
Mumsnet: comments on drip feed updates as also selfish and precious
Op: that's not what I asked! Don't penalise stepmums!

Seriously, your husband needs to LTB. But as your therapist said you're fab, do carry on being a snowflake and ignore the nasty teenager.

OP, should you return to this thread, please read KittyConCarne's post carefully. I am a stepmother too, but I don't think I could write a better description of a loving DSM/DSD relationship - or how to achieve one.

If you put 100% effort, with sincere goodwill, into your relationship with your DSD, you will be rewarded a hundred times over by the closeness and love that will develop between you.

My own DSD is immeasurably precious to me. A relationship built with love for many years now. She sends me mother's day cards.

This seems like it obviously isn't really all about the funeral, but all the problems at home and the funeral is just a small thing that has been made bigger due to those problems.

I think DSD needs counselling by herself too. She must learn how wrong it is to accuse people of serious things too. The repercussions could be huge especially since you have another child there.

He should go to the funeral. Let him arrange her holiday, it will give you time to talk about everything. Teenagers can be a nightmare at times, but still, most don't make dangerous false accusations. There is likely a reason for it though, and she's likely deeply unhappy herself. Teenage years are horrible, hers probably worse.

I actually feel for all of you in this situation. It will get better.

You've posted about the DSD and her pet before, haven't you?

Honestly I think you need to put yourself in your stepdaughter's shoes. Her parents split up, her stepmother doesn't want her in the house, her own mother has issues from what you've said in your posts. She is likely to be deeply unhappy and is acting out.

I'm not saying you should let her do whatever she wants but the way you write your posts sounds like she's nothing but a nuisance and you don't even like her. Would you treat your DS that way?

OP is not coming back to this is she!?!!

You don't feel like living with 2 people full time but whether the daughter was there or not, you would still have your husband and son. Am I being really stupid, or is that still 2 other people?

This was a bit silly, Cuppateddy

OP didn't have a son when she moved in with her DH 4 years ago. Son is a baby.

I think what that comment was getting at is that it is nothing to do with living with 2 other people that the op is really bothered about, but specifically that she doesn't want her partner's older child to live with them.

You sound very young, have you ever been to a funeral? It's important to attend them. It's so sad when there are only a handful there. As an adult birthdays are really not such a big deal. You can celebrate another day. Your DP may have childhood memories of his uncle, or may want to support other relatives. X

Why do people get involved in a relationship with a parent and then want to elbow the child out of the way so that they can be in the spotlight? If you never wanted the possibility of having to care for his child more than 2 days a week you should simply have found yourself a man without children. Don't ever make him choose between keeping you happy and being a good parent. You will turn him into a bad nasty person.

Well this has all kicked off! Your step-daughter IS a child and for a child to be letting pets starve and making false abuse allegations she must be pretty messed up & in need of love and help. I bet you she knows you don't want her there. That can't be nice for her. Stop being so utterly selfish.

Re his daughter- truly she is not the victim in this situation.