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Original poster

My birthday or uncles funeral...

251 replies

Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 12:46

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 02/05/2017 13:19

YABU. You can celebrate your birthday another day. Your DP can't change the date of the funeral.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My Godfather's funeral was on my birthday. I had only seen him once in 30 years and my DM couldn't go (too far). Of course I went.

high5sportsnutrition · 02/05/2017 13:19

Yes you do sound unreasonable. No-one (or no-one normal) goes to a funeral out of choice. If he was planning on going out for a boozy pub session on your birthday then I would understand you feeling a bit hurt - but a funeral? Plus it's hours away, he really wouldn't do it for a good day out now would he?

diddlysquat0 · 02/05/2017 13:20

yes. unreasonable. Very.

CoolCarrie · 02/05/2017 13:20

Yes, you are overreacting, unreasonable and selfish !

Goingtobeawesome · 02/05/2017 13:21

Look at the bigger picture. This is a funeral. He may have reasons you don't like for wanting to go and not stay with you but a funeral comes before a birthday.

MatildaTheCat · 02/05/2017 13:22

I suggest you discuss this with your therapist so they can see what they are dealing with.

you can't argue with stupid

GrimmDays · 02/05/2017 13:23

Even though he wasn't in contact with his uncle, it's nice that he's got a sense of family and wants to represent his mother.

This.

FlossyMooToo · 02/05/2017 13:23

I doubt the OP will be back but YABVU.

Garlicansapphire · 02/05/2017 13:23

You'll have more birthdays... He wont have other chances to represent his mother and himself at the funeral.

I missed a funeral many years ago - I cant remember why now but I will always remember not paying my respects.

lalaloopyhead · 02/05/2017 13:25

YABVU I am afraid. I often think MN can be a bit harsh on people being put out by Birthday issues but this is a funeral!! You can't possibly think that your Birthday is more important?

There are people in my extended family that I rarely see, just funerals and the odd big birthday or whatever, but I would still want to go and pay my respects.

GrimmDays · 02/05/2017 13:25

It's also not about the person who died as much as showing support to those still here. I've attended funerals in similar circumstances because it's important to me to show my support, even to bits of my family I don't see often. When my mum died it became even more important because I represent her as well.

squeaver · 02/05/2017 13:25

It really doesn't matter if he hasn't been in touch with this uncle in the time you've been together. People go to funerals for all sorts of reasons, a common one of which is to represent their part of the family.

guinnessgirl · 02/05/2017 13:25

No, it shouldn't be a difficult decision. It goes without saying that he should go to the funeral and you should be actively encouraging him to do so, not putting him off. You're a grown woman, FFS. You can celebrate your birthday any day.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/05/2017 13:26

Must say I can't understand grown up people making a big fuss about birthdays. It's just another day, and not such a big deal if you have to do something a bit special on another day.

Personally it wouldn't bother me a scrap if Dh felt he ought to go to someone's funeral on my birthday.

OP, wouldn't it be best to let this go with a good grace, and not let it cause ill feeling between you?

Ditsy1980 · 02/05/2017 13:26

Yabu. He should attend the funeral.

ShoesHaveSouls · 02/05/2017 13:26

Completely unreasonable I'm afraid.

I don't have a lot of contact with my Aunts & Uncles now, but I wouldn't miss any of their funerals - I've known them my whole life, they were a big part of my childhood and I'd want to be there to support other family members.

Celebrate your birthday when he gets back.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 02/05/2017 13:27

Incredibly unreasonable. It's kind of irrelevant whether he saw him recently or not, the funeral isn't for the benefit of the deceased (being deceased and all that) but the family and of course the person going.

It sounds as though the death of your DP's family member is just an inconvenience to you. Celebrate your birthday on another day FFS.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2017 13:27

Usually I am very pro-birthdays if people want to celebrate them, but in this case I'm shocked that anyone would ask.

trixymalixy · 02/05/2017 13:28

This can't be real surely?! No one is that selfish to think their birthday is more important than a family funeral, are they?!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/05/2017 13:28

I seriously hope you're a troll.

There's no other excuse for such a selfish attitude.

OrangeJubbly · 02/05/2017 13:28

YABVU. He wants to represent his mother and he should be allowed to do that with your full support. Your attitude is totally self-centred and I am really surprised that an adult can think this way.

Nobody, but nobody 'buggers off to a funeral'.
I'm another wondering why he thought it may be a difficult decision.
Call him back and put this right.

SirVixofVixHall · 02/05/2017 13:29

Funeral. I'm amazed you need to ask tbh. You can have a birthday treat another day surely?

CuppaTeaTeddy · 02/05/2017 13:29

YABU. Just celebrate when he's back?

If he knew them well enough to know when the funeral is, where it is etc, he should definitely go no matter how often he actually saw them. It's his uncle.

Floggingmolly · 02/05/2017 13:29

You're a grownup. supposedly You don't get to be the Birthday Princess to the exclusion of all else after the age of 10.

crabwoman · 02/05/2017 13:34

Quite frankly I'd be horrified if my DH didn't go to his uncles funerals, regardless of the last time he saw them. But then I like men who are upstanding, family oriented and dutiful (which your DP appears to be).

OP you sound about 12. Being petulant about adult birthdays is a bit Hmm

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