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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My birthday or uncles funeral...

251 replies

Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 12:46

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/05/2017 14:55

Christ on a bike! You can't make demands like those, expect them to be set in stone and then spit the dummy when things change!

BitchQueen90 · 02/05/2017 14:55

If I were his DD I'd give you attitude too, because you sound vile. Your needs don't come before his DD, end of story. And if you didn't want to accept her as part of your family you shouldn't have got involved with a man who had a child.

99% of people on here have said YABU. You sound selfish and nasty.

BitchQueen90 · 02/05/2017 14:57

Just reverse it for a second. Imagine you two separated and you started seeing a man who said he didn't want your DS living with you. Would you think that a reasonable request?

Moreisnnogedag · 02/05/2017 14:57

Woah. I imagine that that 15 yr old is picking up on the pure dislike you have for her. Honestly if you and your partner split up, how would you feel about another woman treating your son like you treat his daughter? She may be annoying, sniping and difficult I don't doubt, but seriously she is his child and your son's half sister, and you need to get the fuck over yourself.

PoppinsMoppins · 02/05/2017 14:57

Erm she is a child, she is 15. And it sound like she has had a fairly unsettled start in life.

You are the adult and need to try to help her, not see her as competition for your dps affections. Poor kid.

Also forget your birthday! It's really not important.

Oogle · 02/05/2017 14:57

Jeez, you're a complete delight.

Do you know what it's like to be a 15yr old of divorced parents? Do you understand the torment? That poor girl. Sounds like she has a difficult mother and a witch for a step mother. Infact, you sound exactly like my step mother, who I hate for what she put me through. If you didn't want her in your life, you should have never got together with him.

It's a birthday. Get over yourself. You'll have plenty more of those, his uncle won't. So what if they haven't been in contact for 5 years? My DH hasn't see his uncle for 5 years but when it comes to the funeral, I will be expecting him to go, regardless what day it falls on.

bigbuttons · 02/05/2017 14:59

OP, you sound sound really nasty, childish and entitled. I feel sorry for your OH and his daughter.
I suggest you grow up. The world does not revolve round your needs.
I seriously hope this is a wind up thread.

Pinkheart5917 · 02/05/2017 14:59

No, it wasn't in anyway part of the deal we made ffs Yes it was, he always had a child and he has always had a responsibility to that child and good on him for stepping up when his dd was in need. He is that girls Dad just as his your ds Dad, he is a father to both and sorry flower nothing you can do to change that.

You will NEVER come above his dd, it's a fight you won't win!

My advice to you dp would be LEAVE THE BITCH

Quickieat2 · 02/05/2017 15:01

So she stays with a local friend while he's away.

And yes 15/16 is a child. She's clearly a very unhappy one.

Bringmesunshite · 02/05/2017 15:01

"This 15(almost 16) year old is not a child and knows exactly what she has caused and while I have a lot of sympathy for the difficult position she is in I have enough of my life being about her(or her mothers) issues all the time."

Shock
Zebra31 · 02/05/2017 15:01

Wow. Just wow. So his daughter isn't part of the deal. Shock

I agree with the poster that said he needs to LTB.

shitgibbon · 02/05/2017 15:01

His DD should be his first priority always, and in this particular case, his uncle's funeral is a priority over you and your birthday.

If you want to be Number 1 all the time you're never going to be happy, since nobody will ever always be someone else's first priority.

nachogazpacho · 02/05/2017 15:01

She is a child, even if she is acting out.

I think you made an error of judgement when you thought asking him to agree to not ' living ' with his dd would ever work out well. She needs him, as her father, to provide a positive influence in her life. You can't interfere with this. This is what happens when you get into a relationship with someone who is already a parent.

However, it sounds like you feel maybe he isn't doing the parenting and you are left with dealing with the difficult bits. This is coloring your view of his dd and her teenage issues after leaving her mum.

Quickieat2 · 02/05/2017 15:01

Yes and it's just a birthday!!

Quickieat2 · 02/05/2017 15:03

As a parent he has a huge responsibility to his daughter. How ridiculous to expect him to abandon his daughter! When her relationship with her mother broke down, where did you expect her to go?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/05/2017 15:04

It has been constant drama and attempts at spliting us up. Almost successful

I hope she does, they both sound much better off without you in their lives.

Zebra31 · 02/05/2017 15:06

Bearing in mind the nasty bitter attitude you have towards your DPs DD, I feel really sorry for his DD and her brother (your DS) future relationship.

CuppaTeaTeddy · 02/05/2017 15:08

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SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 02/05/2017 15:08

Christ on a bike this thread has developed a bit!

Which one of you is 15? Your stepdaughter or you? It's clear to see which one is acting like a petulant child.

Underthemoonlight · 02/05/2017 15:09

You really are a piece of work it's all about you no wondering your having problems in your relationship

crabwoman · 02/05/2017 15:10

Jesus wept OP. For a minute I was willing to assume you were just emotionally immature and not an actual arsehole.
You need to sort yourself out, before you ruin everything.

Toddlerteaplease · 02/05/2017 15:10

I went to my Aunts funeral even though I'd not seen her for several years. My sister would also have gone had she not been quite as far away. My cousin was touched that I'd made the effort to go.

Stopyourhavering · 02/05/2017 15:11

No wonder you need couple therapy Confused

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/05/2017 15:12

I just can't get over this. Surely no one is this entitled in real life!!! Stop being such a special snowflake OP.

CuppaTeaTeddy · 02/05/2017 15:12

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