Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My birthday or uncles funeral...

251 replies

Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 12:46

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 02/05/2017 13:35

🍪

CuppaTeaTeddy · 02/05/2017 13:36

Also, I'm assuming he would rather be celebrating a birthday than going to a funeral but knows it's right to go instead.

Original poster
Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 13:42

wow..what a response..

I have offered to go with him to the funeral but he didn't want to disrupt our sons routine and said no.

The situation is more complex than it seems and I'm generally not a selfish person. In fact I have sacrificed a lot and continue to make huge compromises that were never part of a deal to continue this relationship and not have my son grow up without a father.

Somebody wrote that it's not really about a funeral or my birthday but about knowing I'm his first priority (as he has been mine) and this sounds like the truth. I know I have some work to regarding my insecurities.

Thaks everyone for your opinions. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/05/2017 13:44

The situation is more complex than it seems.

How, exactly?

Redglitter · 02/05/2017 13:45

I agree YABVU you can celebrate your birthday another day. Do the decent thing and make it easy for your partner. Tell him ofcourse he has to go to the funeral.

CrunchySeaweed · 02/05/2017 13:45

You will have other birthdays (hopefully). His Uncle only has one funeral. You are being unreasonable

rainbowgiraffe · 02/05/2017 13:48

I actually think everyone is being a bit harsh on you. I completely understand where you are coming from. I do think he should go to the funeral but don't think you deserve some of the responses.
Change your birthday to the weekend and you get an extra day out of it. It's still your birthday no matter how old you are, it's your one special day of the year.

crabwoman · 02/05/2017 13:52

*The situation is more complex than it seems.
*
How? I'll be the first to agree that relationships are difficult complex beasts. But everything stops for a funeral. It's just basic proprietary.

IDontLoveGlitterGlitterLovesMe · 02/05/2017 13:52

YABVU.

Maybe he hasn't been in touch with his uncle since you've been together because you are a princess and he knew you wouldn't like it.
Now he's dead you don't want him to go to the funeral.

1AnnoyingOrange · 02/05/2017 13:52

I read the OP but no other replies

Yes, you sound completely unreasonable. Also it sounds like he was tentative with even telling you about the funeral as he thought you would be unreasonable.

Celebrate your birthday on another day. Have some respect.

Wondermoomin · 02/05/2017 13:53

YABVVVU. Would be interesting to hear how you're justifying this to yourself when you dismiss everyone else with this "more complex than it seems" business.

honeyroar · 02/05/2017 13:56

But of course it should be his priority in this instance, it's a family funeral.. Are you seriously saying you'd not go to your own uncle's funeral if it was his birthday? The way he broke it to you (difficult decision..) shows he didn't want to upset you and does think your birthday is important but he obviously wants to go to the funeral. It would be dreadful of you to make him feel bad about this. Let him go with a smile on your face and let him show his appreciation and celebrate your birthday when he gets back. It's not complex - whatever else is going on in your relationship shouldn't come into his decision over this.

scottishdiem · 02/05/2017 13:57

Funerals are not about the dead really. They are about the living and mutual support for those in a grieving process as well as just showing face, especially as his mother is dead (I assume the uncle was her brother).

I get that you are in a bad place with your boyfriend and are working things through but thinking that your birthday (the actual day, not event to celebrate which can happen at any time) is more important than a funeral does need some reassessment.

If you are thinking long term remember that he might not be there on they day every time and you need to decide if it is more important to have a partner who will celebrate your birthday only and forever on the day of your birthday at the exclusion of all else or one who will celebrate when you are both free and easily able to do so on a day near your birthday.

Pinkheart5917 · 02/05/2017 13:58

Somebody wrote that it's not really about a funeral or my birthday but about knowing I'm his first priority (as he has been mine) and this sounds the truth So you want a competition with a dead person?

You actually want to say put my birthday & me above the dead uncle and his funeral? Going to a funeral does not mean he doesn't love you, or doesn't care it just means a death happened and unfortunately the funeral is on your birthday. You CAN still celebrate your birthday just on a different day, you STILL get your birthday celebration

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/05/2017 13:58

YABU. Celebrate your birthday another day.

Taylor22 · 02/05/2017 14:00

YABU. You'll hopefully have more birthdays.
He's only going to have one funeral.

Isetan · 02/05/2017 14:01

Yes, this is about your insecurities, would you really feel better if he prioritised your birthday (a reoccurring event) above attending the funeral of a relative (a one off event)? If this is the type of 'jesture' you require to demonstrate his prioritisation of you then those securities aren't insignificant.

You may not be generally selfish but this petulance over a bloody birthday, says otherwise.

MrsMozart · 02/05/2017 14:04

Funeral.

Enidblyton1 · 02/05/2017 14:06

I think I get it, OP.
You and your DH have been struggling and perhaps he's been a total arse recently. He needs to be there for your more.
However, whatever the complex situation I'm afraid attending a family funeral (however distant a relative) has to take precedent.
Show your understanding and support for this one, but make sure you and DH have a lovely bday celebration on another day.

juneau · 02/05/2017 14:07

My uncle died last Jan. I never saw very much of him because he lived in the far north of the country, but he's my dad's sister's DH and so despite it being really inconvenient to go (I have 2 school age kids, it was midweek and a huge winter storm was forecast, all of which complicated the travel), I went and I'm very glad I did. Funerals aren't 'fun' to go to and I'd have much rather gone to a birthday party, but family is important - the most important thing. I went to support my dad, my aunt, my cousins and as a representative for my DSis, who couldn't go due to work. Please support your DP in doing this nice thing for his family as a difficult time. It IS important to make the effort and surely you can celebrate your birthday on another day?

PovertyPain · 02/05/2017 14:14

Op, just keep in mind that, although he wasn't close to his uncle, his death and funeral may bring up memories of losing his own mother. He might need more support after the funeral, than even he realises.

MysweetAudrina · 02/05/2017 14:18

It shouldn't be a difficult decision to make he should go to the funeral. No way I would expect my dh to miss the funeral of his uncle because it was my birthday. This isn't about your relationship with him and you expecting him to put you first. Fine if it was a lads night away or something he was choosing to do in favor of spending time with you but a funeral its just one of those things you have to work around. Plan something for the following weekend. It doesn't really matter about the other complexities in your relationship you are the only one making this more complex than it should be.

Original poster
Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 14:19

Well it's complex as he is not only going for the funeral. His 15year old daughter is living with us (and that has not been part of a deal -he has been divorced for 5 years when I met him and the daughter lived with her mother since she was 7- but due to her mothers actions and due to accusations she made against her mother we took her in full time when my son was 4 months old) and that has put our relationship under enormous stress.

We are going for therapy for issues that arouse when his daughter moved in BUT big part of the reason he is going down is to make some holiday arrangements for her with his cousin.

It feels like this past year has been ALL about hers or his ex wifes drama. Even this funeral will be. And it just makes me furious that it's going to happen on my birthday.

In the end I will tell him to go to the funeral and keep the anger in.

btw. His daughter can't go with him to the funeral as she is in the middle of final exams. I'm yet again going to be responsible for her when he is away but I don't really feel like it as he just assumes I will-nevers asks it its ok- and she has a tendency to be quite disrespectful when he is away.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/05/2017 14:20

Drip, drip, drip

FlossyMooToo · 02/05/2017 14:22

Christ you sound a delight!!

As for it not being part of the deal....you accepted his daughter when you decided to be with him.

I think your DH/DP should really think about his relationship.