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Original poster

Dating Thread 117 - summer loving!

997 replies

InfoSec21 · 01/05/2017 00:26

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Pavonia · 01/05/2017 22:32

I'm feeling a bit deflated. I had been messaging a man who seemed rather perfect but as soon as I told him about my kids he ended the conversation. Given that I have older teens I am surprised that some people see it as such a problem.

Original poster
InfoSec21 · 01/05/2017 22:43

I feel for you Bant, I hate uncertainty. I'd probably just go quiet and see how she responds, just to see how forthcoming she is.

OP posts:
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 01/05/2017 22:44

I've had that loads, though mine are younger. I just think, well you're not for me. Plenty of men are perfectly happy to date someone with kids. And especially someone with older teens! Seems silly.

Original poster
InfoSec21 · 01/05/2017 22:49

That post people are referring to for anyone that hasn't read it yet, is here:

markmanson.net/fuck-yes

It's a very sensible article.

OP posts:
Pavonia · 01/05/2017 22:58

Faron yes he certainly wasn't for me. He didn't even bother to ask whether they live with me full time or anything. I assume people have concerns about time and freedom but lots of people have calls on their time and restrictions on their freedom unrelated to children.

Info thanks for reposting that link, I'm going to check it out now.

Mumfun · 01/05/2017 23:02

Bant I think you were fuck yes.

But she didnt agree to be exclusive. And then changed the subject when you asked her again. That would suggest she isnt fuck yes and it has made you feel differently about her. Having dtd you have been very intimate but she wont even discuss exclusivity. She shouldnt back off verbally discussing the situation. To me that isnt good enough.

OutToGetYou · 01/05/2017 23:14

I think I'm more wary of teens than of younger kids actually. Sorry. Teens are more hard work and, as a stranger, you have a lot more to do to get them onside. With an eight year old you just have to take them to Pizza Hut and buy them Lego!
Then hopefully by the time they are teens you have the rapport to handle it!

meandmygirl1 · 01/05/2017 23:31

Can I ask if it is normal after 1 date when have met someone online for them still to be active on pof? Am new to all this. He has been messaging me all day and then said I am tired and am going to bed; and then online

I don't trust men at all which is why I checked

Don't know if this is red flag or just normal

LanaDReye · 01/05/2017 23:46

Meandmygirl after one date yes still being on pof is normal. Unless it was hours long and intimate, in which case you would hope not.

Bant I think it's better to be realistic as Mumfun said she's not fuck yes about you. That's a rubbish position to be in. She may be picking up signs that you're not fully fuck yes too, but she's actually checking her options. To know for sure you need to ask her though. POF is good at making hidden profiles visible.

Original poster
InfoSec21 · 01/05/2017 23:56

Nothing is concrete Bant. She could be sat there telling someone that she saw you on there and wondering what that means. She could really like you but still read her messages.

It's whether you class that as fair play or looking for something else.

OP posts:
Original poster
InfoSec21 · 01/05/2017 23:56

Does anyone have anyone that they really like IRL away from the screen?

OP posts:
Nipplesunited · 02/05/2017 00:22

Yes info - there is a bloke i see and speak to every now and then. We dont bump into each other as much as we once did.

I cannot for the life of me pluck the courage upto express my interest and i kick myself everytime i walk away

Original poster
InfoSec21 · 02/05/2017 00:31

Do you think it's a possible or do you feel he'd say no?

OP posts:
Nipplesunited · 02/05/2017 00:43

I honestly have no idea. There was a point where he was possibly inviting me to go and grab a coffee but i thought he was just saying he was heading for one so i said see you later haha. I was in the same place as him today when i was out and i swear he left because he seen me.

I wouldnt care. I had built myself up to try and force myself to drop some kind of hint next time i bumped into him. Now that is not going to happen after today lol

Bant · 02/05/2017 07:27

Thanks for the replies.

Well, I wasn't fuck yes about her. As I've mentioned previously, the kissing is a bit odd, it doesn't feel comfortable. The sex is fine but.. the oomph isn't there when I look at her. She's attractive, but not my type, a bit too bony.

But she's funny, which is what I need in a person. So many people just aren't witty. That's my Achilles heel.

I always got the strong impression she was more into me than I was into her, from what she said on messages. Apart from the exclusivity conversation.

The pof thing, well maybe she coincidentally logged on the same two times in the last month that I did. Maybe she was on there to read my messages from weeks ago. Or maybe she's actively messaging other people. Who can say?

Anyway, as it stands I've left her to arrange the next date as shes got the kids with her.

I'll not bother messaging anyone else until this is finished, but I'm fairly sure one of us will finish it in the next week or so

Pavonia · 02/05/2017 08:28

I think the "Fuck yes" thing is an oversimplification and we mustn't forget that the guy who wrote it has his own agenda. Feelings between two people change as they get to know each other and there are all sorts of external factors that influence the way we feel.

I've deleted Happn this morning as I haven't found that matches there were leading to many good conversations. As with Tinder and Bumble there is usually little to go on prior to messaging,but is superficial and many of the matches don't lead to messaging

At the moment I am just on OKCupid. I have paid so I will stay on for the next few weeks. After that I may try POF or GSM.

I am finding that being able to see when people have been online on OKC does mess with my head. The trouble is I have never been thick skinned and probably will always overinvest if I like someone.

Before the holiday weekend I was messaging Mr Retired. He went away for the weekend, it will be interesting to see if bothers messaging me today.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 02/05/2017 08:36

Was just re-reading the rules of the thread.

What does 'No dating the thread' mean?

Original poster
InfoSec21 · 02/05/2017 08:44

No dating the thread confused me also. It means you're not allowed to date someone from the thread, another user. If you do, you mist both leave the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
InfoSec21 · 02/05/2017 08:49

I agree that 'fuck yes' is quite a simplified view but it works in a lot of ways and you can plug it into your experience and use as little or as much of it as you see fit.

The reminder about other people is particularly poignant though. If you meet someone and two days later they haven't replied to your message asking if they'd like to see you again, they're not fuck yes.

I appreciate it doesn't always fit, I remember another user telling me it took her two days to respond to someone she liked.

When I say waiting two days for Lois Lane to reply though, she just wasn't interested. It spoke for itself but the hope tries to make it into something else.

OP posts:
Pavonia · 02/05/2017 09:14

Info I agree Sad

I wish my date from Friday had texted me by now and if he really liked me he would have.

LanaDReye · 02/05/2017 09:35

I think that self-esteem can be knocked by dating as it's tricky to know how much someone really likes you, if it's just sex that they want or like the idea of being with someone but not really in a position to commit. When it ends it can feel like a personal failure.

Realistically it takes weeks to know what is really happening. If we could look into each other's minds even for a moment would it help or would it put everyone off - we all doubt each other?

Bant are you on a self-fulfilling prophecy line now that you have doubts - is it worth laying your cards out on the table to see what she thinks (or at least if she's still looking)?

Bant · 02/05/2017 11:34

Possibly lana - I'm going off her so I'm actively looking for flaws or misbehaviour.

When we're together, there is personal chemistry, and mutual attraction. If there wasn't we'd never have got to date two or three (or five)
And we both amuse each other. And maybe that should be enough. But there are enough issues to give me serious doubts, and some of those I glossed over before we went to bed, some of them became apparent then, or shortly afterwards, others have come up since.

Enough to make me think we could be friends wif benefits but probably not more than that. And while that may be enough for me at the moment, possibly, I'd really like more than that with someone longer term.

OutToGetYou · 02/05/2017 12:27

I do go back to look at people's messages and profiles now ad then but I've not (this time round) got as far as numerous dates or DTD. I think I'd know enough about a person by then that I didn't need to remind myself what they originally said.

This is reassuring though: She's attractive, but not my type, a bit too bony. as media images inform us that women have to be really skinny to be attractive.

Isn't 'fuck yes' a bit like the elusive 'thunderbolt' from Four Weddings (which did happen, but the guy originally talking about it said he wasn't expecting it, just someone who could tolerate him - I think I'm on his page!)?

Polarbearflavour · 02/05/2017 13:03

I think I will see how our two days next weekend go and have "the chat" eeek. I don't want to see anybody else at the moment.

Mumfun · 02/05/2017 13:10

Unexpectedly Mr Social Worker came all the way to meet me yesterday for date 3 in my area yesterday. Just all easy and happy. He is very very funny and entertaining. And very kind and lovely.

We do have our differences on some things but I feel comfortable that we can deal maturely with them.

Trying to live in the moment. Not sure when we can meet next but we both work flexibly so not too long I hope.