Wife wants to use a nursery, but I want to use family...?

[MrRussellK]

Hello,

My wife and I have a 1 year old daughter. She has just gone back to work (working 3 times a week 9-6) and our daughter goes to nursery for those 3 days. My MIL and mum are both begging to have her! Nursery is £70 odd a day. It seems so silly when there are family there begging to look after her. My wife says she likes that because if our daughter is ever ill/she is ill or she needs to go somewhere, they will be more than welcome to have her then, but if they had her for the other days when she's working, they won't be willing to do that, but I disagree as my mum still would and my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her and I have tried suggesting how about she goes to nursery for 2 days and my mum has her for a day and then she says no because then she wants her mum to have her, so I said how about nursery for 1 day and then my mum has her one day and then MIL has her for the other and she's against that?

Surely it's not logical?

Family provided childcare can be awfully difficult in my experience. Nursery will never be unwell and unable to have your child at short notice. Nursery will not have its own life and go away on holiday or for a long weekend - meaning you need to find short term childcare (not easy). Nursery will (mostly) feed and care for your child in the way you prefer them to, not in the way 'they' feel is appropriate. Nursery offers socialisation opportunity which can make the transition to school much easier... although admittedly not always. I did have family childcare for a short while but paid the going rate, so siblings couldnt say I was "using" family member...

Im with your wife. If family are willing to be there in emergencies... its much more helpful, and thr ocassional evening babysitting doesnt seem/feel so cheeky either

Hmmm.... I'm on the fence here. I think if money's not too much of an issue and you can afford the £70 a day I'd go with nurserY. Grandparents are great... as grandparents! When they look after your children regularly it can rest your relationship with them.

My parents are lovely and adore my DS and looked after them regularly when they were young and I was working. However they didn't enforce any boundaries, let them get away with all sorts, fed them on sugar, etc. All of which would be fine for occasional visits, but it made it very difficult for me to assert any authority as 'Nanny let's us'

With family you pay in other ways - reliability, sickness, opinions etc. Children can't just do 1/2 days in nursery very well IMO, just needs to be more consistent. Presumably your DW is not working 4 days per week so plenty of time to see grandparents.

I'm going back to work 3 days a week in September- baby will be with my Mum 1 day, and nursery 2 days. I want him to go to nursery because of the socialisation it offers- and to do at least 2 days there because 1 random day might be harder for him to get used to....

Does your wife get on ok with your Mum? Might it be that she doesn't want your Mum to have her, so it's easier for her to say no family childcare on a weekly basis?

Nursery!

Firmly with your wife on this one for the reasons already stated.

My relatives did not live close enough to do regular childcare, but I do understand where your wife is coming from.

I would choose a nursery over grandparents. It is a professional relationship, there won't be any arguments about different parenting styles, you stay in control. Then grandparents are there for treats, emergency childcare, and basically being a grandparent.

It is a huge commitment - what if your parent is unwell, what's to go on holiday, meet a friend?

My mum looks after my sibling's dcs, and I know it wears her out, but she doesn't want to say anything.

I went back 3 days when dd1 was 14 months. She did one day at nursery and one day with each grandmother. We struggled through but looking back it didn't really work at all. She screamed at nursery every single week, never settled there. And why would she? She barely got to know it. And she was also unsettled with both grandmothers. It's not a set up I would recommend and I didn't do it with DD2.

Definetly nursery. If at any point your Mum or hers decides its too much having her it can be hard to pick an extra day up at Nursery. Similarly what happens if either of the mums book a holiday?

Definetly best to use family as emergency back up care or extra ad hoc babysitting and leave the frequent, regular pattern of paid for childcare alone.

We used family care and nursery in combination. To be honest the family put quite a strain on relationships as people parent very differently and it can cause all sorts of issues. One of my childen really struggled with the total lack of routine. Every day was someone doing something g different. We changed to nursery every morning and a parent or grandparent in the afternoon.

I'm with Velvet on this.

Maybe there are good reasons why your wife doesn't want one grandmother to look after her and can't let one do it without causing offence to the other.

And using 3 different locations for 3 days a week is massively unsettling for a child. I had to split and use a different provider for one day/week on a 4 day working week. In over a year, DS never settled at the place he was in for only one day.

Your mum needs to learn boundaries and not be nagging you every day. Your wife will likely just dig her heels in more if you let her persist.

Nursery's great because they do 'structured' play and are already helping them learn the skills they need. Try are trained professionals, and it's the best environment for children to learn how to play with others and grow in confidence etc. Also most Nursery's have a minimum of 2 days a week rule. However it is expensive and I wish I could have family just 1 day a week to make some money!

Oh I also meant to add, when you pay for a service you can generally expect a certain standard of provision, the back up of knowing the routines and menus and accepted rules and regs of the place.

If your or her mum does stuff you and your wife disagree with, it can be very hard to tackle them on it (examples im thinking of here are feeding her foods youd rather keep her away from; not using an appropriate carseat; not napping the baby as much as they need etc.)

I agree with others here - nursery is more practical in many ways - much less likelihood of your childcare vanishing at short notice due to sickness or holidays/days out - and it is much easier to get paid childcare to do things they way you want them done.

I have seen a lot of accounts on here where using family as childcare has caused endless problems.

In law care was foisted on me against my will, since it 'made sense financially' - it was presented as a fair accomplit from my h and mil, and was just steamrollered into place. I bitterly resent her taking over my children and inserting herself into my life irreversibly, so that I had less time with my own children than she did. Because she looked after them a few hours per day, she thought she had free reign over all parenting decisions and undermined me at every opportunity. She took over completely at all family gatherings and presented herself as in charge of the whole family, and treated me as such. It drove a massive wedge between me and my husband and ultimately, it cost me my whole marriage. Do not steamroller your wishes into place, or 'pull rank' over your wife's. Come to a compromise. If you do not, it is unlikely to make for a harmonious relationship and successful marriage.

Nursery vote here too for all the reasons already mentioned.

Nursery vote here too for all the reasons already mentioned.

Your wife seems to be suggesting that she is denying them access to your daughter on a regular basis, in order to 'keep them keen' for childcare when you need it unexpectedly, i.e. to cover an illness when your dd can't go to nursery? Is that actually what you meant to write?

Equally if your mum has been calling every day this is overbearing and over the top. I wouldn't want to give in to that behaviour either, as it will only provoke a repeat next time there's something your mum wants to get her own way in.

I'd agree with your wife (and let the grandmothers know) that you will be using nursery exclusively for three months so you can all get used to the new routine, and then you'll review what's best for the three of you (the three being you, your wife and your dd). By then you'll have a better sense of how well nursery suits you. For example, if your wife is working til 6, who is doing the pickup? Whoever it is will have to be on time every day, whereas a grandparent offers more flexibility. There will also be any number of bugs picked up that will prevent your dd from attending nursery, so in reality there should be quite a lot of grandparent time.

Family childcare didn't work for us.

Firstly, they weren't prepared to follow our routine and overloaded the DC with sweets/crisps/McDonald's and generally spoilt them rotten. Nice once in a while, but 2-3 days a week - just no. Picking up a fractious overtired child who hadn't napped because it didn't fit into their routine so they'd pepped him up with Haribo made our evenings a fucking nightmare tbh.

Then we'd have last minute phone calls (the night before) saying "oh sorry I can't have DS tomorrow, Betty has asked me to go out for the day/I've got a hospital appointment/we're spending the day sorting out the garden/FIL and I have had an argument and I'm just not up to it" meant one of us taking last minute annual leave. Employers were not impressed.

And because they're family, and they're doing it for free, you're expected (on here at least) to be everlastingly grateful and put up with anything and everything you're not happy with.

I should point out that, like your wife, we never wanted to use the grandparents as childcare, they insisted - but regardless, anything you don't like or are not happy with - you're expected to just suck it up.

We lasted about 4 months then put the DC into nursery.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Family promise the moon, but the working reality of a toddler is a very very different story! Have they looked after your daughter for a full day, do they have the stamina?

The nursery have a team of people looking after your child, and will do as you ask vs a single person who may not be as flexible.

Op I think you are trying to make arrangements for whats best for the grabdmothers. They each "get gc a day". Whats important here is consistency for dd. One day a week at nursery would be quite unsettling for her at a young age.

Family care is something you have to constantly be grateful for. It's hard to have any sort of disagreement with the family members in question because the fact that they care for your dc gets in the way. If family are ill or tired or want to do something else you're stuck.

I understand about the money side of things as nursery costs a lot BUT on every single other front I'd choose nursery. It offers so much that famiky members don't have the resources to offer, plus socialisation and proper developmental teaching.

Children also don't usually do well with just a single day in nursery as they don't settle well. It's easier for them to do a few days per week there and get settled in.

and my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her

Gah! This sounds like a nightmare!

Why not just arrange ad hoc days or afternoons then you and dw can have some time just the two of you?

I'm with your wife. Even if the 1 day each arrangement worked and neither set of grandparents let you down or undermined your parenting, I think your child would be really unsettled by the constant changing. When she's older and goes to nursery I can see that grandparents picking up/ dropping off at nursery might work really well.