Wife wants to use a nursery, but I want to use family...?

[MrRussellK]

Hello,

My wife and I have a 1 year old daughter. She has just gone back to work (working 3 times a week 9-6) and our daughter goes to nursery for those 3 days. My MIL and mum are both begging to have her! Nursery is £70 odd a day. It seems so silly when there are family there begging to look after her. My wife says she likes that because if our daughter is ever ill/she is ill or she needs to go somewhere, they will be more than welcome to have her then, but if they had her for the other days when she's working, they won't be willing to do that, but I disagree as my mum still would and my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her and I have tried suggesting how about she goes to nursery for 2 days and my mum has her for a day and then she says no because then she wants her mum to have her, so I said how about nursery for 1 day and then my mum has her one day and then MIL has her for the other and she's against that?

Surely it's not logical?

Maybe it depends on what kind of relationship she has with her mum and mil? My MIL would love to look after kids but I wouldn't trust her (for various reasons).

Nursery is good because you're not reliant on family who despite initial enthusiasm might become resentful of all the childcare they are providing in the future. I think if it's possible grandparents should be grandparents not the main care givers. Of course I know that's not always possible...and for some people it works out really well to have family looking after the kids....but there must be a reason your wife feels this way!

Nursery is £70 a day?!
If that's the case it's a non-brainer for me.
Mum - one day
MIL - one day
Nursery - one day
Kids soon get used to what days they do what on. Three times the fuss, three different experiences, one socialised group setting.
Only avoid using family if they are irresponsible, unreliable or manipulative. Otherwise £140 in the bank/to spend on treats, outings etc

^ the fuss = amount of cuddles

Listen to your wife!

My mum has my 2 nieces full time, I am talking 7am to 5.40pm mon-fri. She agreed to this when it was just one niece and then they had another little girl. The eldest is at school now and my mum does school runs in all weathers with a baby...when she agreed to do this 8 years ago things have changed!!! My mum has the perfect relationship with my children and is an amazing nanny she sees my kids all the time!

But from an outsider the relationship between my brother and parents and the girls and there nanny is not what it should be! She is like a mum to them and it's not nice to see. If we are all together on a Sunday and my niece falls over she runs to nanny and the mum (sil) looks mortified!! Keep nannys as nannys!!!!!

My DM has my DDs one afternoon a week. She does this in order to take them to an activity that she wanted them to do and I don't have time to take them to. They are in school/nursery for the other 4.5 days each week. When we made the arrangements I was very clear that it had to be a full commitment, I can't duck out of work except in a genuine emergency. We're lucky that in the school holidays the activity isn't on and the nursery will take DD2 for the full day then. That means that my parents go on holiday then. My DM is completely committed to that afternoon and hasn't let me down. I think it can work, but only you will know whether your DM/MIL can be relied on.

I've not read the whole thread so this may have been said already . Surely the best compromise is nursery 2 days a week and MIL and mum take turns at the extra day , that way if one is sick hopefully the other could step in and daughter gets 2 days to socialise / settle at nursery.

Sorry but I totally disagree with nurseries for children under 3. I often see (on here too) that parents send 1 year olds to help them to socialise. They aren't able to socialise at that age - and they don't need to - children need to learn to socialise around the age of 3. Under 3's need one to one care from an adult who will given them unconditional love and there's nothing better than that. Nurseries are institutions and that type of care is not good, be it under 3's, children's homes, old people's homes etc.

I'm not knocking nursery nurses who incidentally are rarely trained as it's a pretty boring and stressful job. My DGD has a part time job in a nursery and she tells me how most of the workers are uncaring and ought to be in another job.. She's very upset as young children are left to cry and the staff often sit chatting together.

But the real problem is institutionalisation - meaning that everyone eats breakfast together - mid morning snack together - taken to the toilet together - lunch etc etc. So if a child got a drink at 12.00 with lunch he didn't get another till 2 or 3 or whatever time another drink was scheduled. My GC went to a nursery full time from a young age and in fairness I never saw any child distressed at pick up time but I know it wasn't the right sort of care for them.

And £70 a day - dear god!!!

I couldn't agree more, definitely Childminder's for me until children are around 18 months- 2 years at least. I know nurseries work for many families but in my opinion babies do not need "socialising" with other babies and "baby rooms" are a strange concept. Babies thrive in family environments with a trusted familiar caregiver.

We grew up half with my parents and half with my grandma. I'm sure my grandma had very different ideas to my mum, but we loved being with her and she was like a second mum to me.

I think some people these days want to control their relationship with their kids too much. For me, it's far more beneficial that they have a good strong relationship with many consistent adults in their lives, not nursery workers who, at the end of the day, don't really love my kids. Even if parents and grandparents have different parenting styles, the kids can benefit a lot from that.

OP I agree with you. If you and your wife cant look after your child and both Mums are offering then I don't see what the problem is. Surely sending a child to nursery comes way down the childcare list? Why would paying complete strangers to look after your child be preferable to grandparents?

Nursery - my two loved it, and still have friends from their nursery days. There are loads of toys, books, games, others kids, plenty of staff, heathy meals and occasional treats. Contrary to another posters experience, the staff in our nursery were all NVQ level 2/3 qualified and were great with the kids. They also do what you ask - special diets, support with potty training, nap times etc. are all catered for. Family are great for back up, but I wouldn't rely on them for more than half a day a week.

From what you've said OP your mum has the potential to be a bit of a pain if she's phoning every day. I wonder if your wife can see problems there.

Sweeping generalisations about childcare settings are very unhelpful. Nurseries are not all the same. Some no doubt use unqualified young inexperienced staff but not all. Some childminders are fantastic some aren't. Not all grandparents can provide great care even if they're desperate too. You have to look at your options and decide with regards to your set of circumstances.

Catrina
I run a nursery and I don't recognise anything in your post
My nursery is all about individual needs
They don't all eat at the same time, for the babies we go with their individual routine
For the older children lunch time is fixed but snack is available all session, as are drinks
They don't all go to the toilet at the same time either, what a strange comment to make
Nappies are changed as needed, not at a set time and they are done by the child's key person. It's not a production line
And babies do socialise, they build a relationship with their key person at first and research has shown that babies are able to form multiple attachments without harming their relationship with their primary care giver
They do also form attachments with other children
As for staff being untrained, not true. I've got staff with degrees and an early years teacher leading my baby room
Yes it can be stressful but boring? No, it's never boring, not if you have good staff who plan the day well

Please don't generalise and give misleading information

Well going against the grain here my mum had mine while I was working
It worked for us - but my parents were prepared to do as I asked with food/naps etc

All of my children now have a fantastic and close relationship with their grandparents
It can work but it's not for everyone

There has to be some young staff - either looking at qualifications or just passed them -

How else are they supposed to learn? They are minister and assessed like anybody else doing a job. Most of all it's the path they've chosen and want to succeed in.

Childminders also have to gain qualifications and are assessed.

I'd take paid childcare if GPs especially one who rang everyday desperate to take the baby!

My ILs have our dcs one day a week, but in reality they only do it about half the time. They also begged to be involved, but attitudes change very quickly & i am constantly having to use up my leave on that day or arranging alternatives at short notice. We have a nanny as well; i pay her £70 per day for 2 dcs & she is happy to look after them when they are ill (i don't ask her to cover d&v).

Also, op. If you do want your parents to do childcare will you do the drop off & pick up that day & step in when they rearrange? If your dw is "doing" all of the childcare i think you need to support whatever she decides works for her.

Catrina1234

Your DGD is working in a crap nursery. It's nothing like the one my DD attends. As for children not needing to socialise with other children, it may not be an essential need, but my DD has had friends from long before 3 and they get really excited seeing each other at nursery and play beautifully together.

From another perspective - do you or your DW have siblings? Might they produce offspring at any time soon? A major bone of contention in
my family was that my sibling's children got all the GP childcare but they couldn't care for mine. And my DM told me it was s huge strain, they felt they couldn't back out but were exhausted.

And am I alone in being boggled by all these GP available to do childcare? I'm a GP of three and will have to be working long past them all being of school age!

OP that is what we do! I work 3 days, DD is at nursery two days, the third day is made up of: my parents every other week, PILs every 4th week (they live further away so can't do every week), the other week in 4 either I take a day off (had lots left over from Mat leave, and have flexi time too), or I book an extra day in nursery. Ours costs £70.50 a day, cry! When I first went back to work, I took a day off every other week for the first year or so thanks to all the accumulated leave and parents alternated every 4th week.
My parents and PILs really treasure the stronger relationship they have with DD as a result of this but they still have willingness to babysit and look after her at other times. DD has all the benefits of nursery too, now she is 2.5 I am really starting to see that. The stuff they do at nursery I couldn't replicate especially the social aspect, seeing the same children each week, and having a bond with non-family adults.
Re siblings - my parents offered the same to my bro and sil so they do a day a fortnight for my niece (1.5yrs) too. I think it is a bit tiring for them but they say they love it. They are 65ish. I imagine one of us will get pregnant again soon so they will get a bit of a break for a while.

Not sure about the picking up at 3:30....that is probably tea time at nursery so may be disruptive. I think if they are at nursery, keep them there until a parent picks up.
My PILs had my DC a couple of days a week and the rest in nursery. To be honest I would have rather paid for him to be in nursery all week. I felt anxious on those days he was with PILs. Even though I sent all food I felt a lack of control and worried about what they were 'teaching'. And I couldn't stand doing pleasantries in the mornings and after work. I just wanted to get home or to work and felt like I had to hang around chatting so as not to look rude. They are nice people but I felt like they were taking over. It spoiled our relationship as I suppose I resented their time with DC while I was at work. Sounds like your mum is quite high maintenance with her constant phone calls!

I work in a nursery and we do not sit around chatting we are far to busy to even have a drink most of the time!
And yes the job is stressful but most of us have a genuine love of working with children we certainly don't do it for the crap pay or long hours!.

Tubby no as you can pick between nursery day (9:30 - 3:30), full day (8 - 6) or extended day (7 - 9) so definitely wouldn't be an issue!

Ban of course I would! My wife definitely isn't left to do all that! She is both of ours

I'm glad you reconsidered OP and I think the idea of the GPs picking up your DD early afternoon from nursery is a great one.

I think an occasional arrangement is absolutely fine - DS went to a CM when younger and she didn't work alternate Fridays so my DM looked after him then. However I made it clear that I would try to find another CM if she was ever on holiday or had other arrangements so it wasn't a burden to her. She also helped when CM on holiday.

The thing to remember is that your parents and PIL will only be in active retirement for a few years, then if they are like mine they'll get a bit too old to want to go on holidays very much or be very active. I think that they should have the opportunity to enjoy those precious few years as well and be able to have spontaneous trips away. Picking up early is ideal - helps with the evening rush and gives them a few precious hours, but also means that nursery can still have them if they are away.