Wife wants to use a nursery, but I want to use family...?

[MrRussellK]

Hello,

My wife and I have a 1 year old daughter. She has just gone back to work (working 3 times a week 9-6) and our daughter goes to nursery for those 3 days. My MIL and mum are both begging to have her! Nursery is £70 odd a day. It seems so silly when there are family there begging to look after her. My wife says she likes that because if our daughter is ever ill/she is ill or she needs to go somewhere, they will be more than welcome to have her then, but if they had her for the other days when she's working, they won't be willing to do that, but I disagree as my mum still would and my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her and I have tried suggesting how about she goes to nursery for 2 days and my mum has her for a day and then she says no because then she wants her mum to have her, so I said how about nursery for 1 day and then my mum has her one day and then MIL has her for the other and she's against that?

Surely it's not logical?

Your mum phoning every day to ask about it sounds excessive.

It's lovely that your DC can have grandparents who care for them, but much better to keep it as low-stakes, other occasions. Use grandparents for evening babysitting, or half days when you want to do non-baby things.

There are massive benefits to nursery, and if you can afford it, then it is worth using. Are you able to have a conversation about why she doesn't want grandparents providing childcare? Is this just a difference in preference, or does she have some concerns about one/some grandparents?

my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her

And therein lies the problem. She sounds a pain in the arse.

Your wife is right. Keep the arrangements as they are. Tell your mum "no, it's not happening".

It would be far more unsettling for your DD to have to learn to adapt to three different settings, each with their own rules and boundaries.

Childcare choices should ultimately be based on what's best for the child, and not about making sure that other adults get what they perceive to be a 'fair share' of her time.

Your wife is at work for 3 days. There are another 4 days available for other relatives to see your DD.

I am sorry, I too am completely with your wife on this one. On the face of it, using family sounds like the perfect solution but in reality it takes a lot of work and comprI mise.
If you are unhappy with something at a nursery you feedback ask for changes, it is a business and you are a paying customer.
With family you suck it up week in week out. Not so bad at first but over time it really does fester.
You also feel like you can't ask for a babysitter for extras, nights out etc.. Babies are cute but toddlers are really hard work and what if you have a second?
Nursery is the cleanest option, no bad feeling, no sick days, socialisation, wide range of toys and activities and no unrequested advice .

my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her

Point proven really over whether you're prepared to accept this overbearing approach as it won't stop once your DM has her way

btw - I would suggest that the people who decide what happens are you & your wife, not the grandparents. So try to support & listen to each other, not the grandparents.

You wife probably can't tell you exactly why she doesn't want family.
She is a very sensible woman.
With family you feel 'beholden' to them, i am still being reminded 16yrs on how MIL 'sacrificed' her own time to care for DS for 5months whilst i went to work. This is despite the fact we could afford nursery at the time, but she was begging (as your lot are) to have him.

Like another posters said, Mums/MIL tend to argue or not listen when given instructions on how to care for the DD. They can be quick to remind you, 'Your DH was raised that way and he's turned out alright'.

With nursery there are no strings attached. Its simply a contract. You pay them, they do as told (in most cases). When you want to stop care, you simply give notice and walk away. Parents will be in the child's life a long time, sometimes changing care patterns can be difficult to change once they are used to a particular routine and stopping care with GP can be fraught with problems, emotional ones.

Your DW has the challenge of also pleasing two parents. If she goes to one and not the other problems, if she splits care it becomes more cumbersome for her as both grannies i guarantee you will have different views, preferences etc.

The advantage of using parents are that you save money and that DD is with someone who loves her. But there are lots of cons too. With nursery she's not with people who love her, but in a safe environment all the same and she will be happy and get to mix with other children her age, make friends etc.

Your DW may also not want that amount of contact time personally with the parents, it can be stifling especially when you add childcare to it. with nursery she make a quick phone call, quick hello and good bye without having to explain herself all the time.

No doubt, there's a lot to think about.

Definitely nursery for all of the reasons already mentioned

We have a mix. I work three days, DD is at nursery 2 days and my mum and my mil have her alternately on the third day. This works well as it's not too much for them, and if they're on holiday or have other plans the other can cover. DD loves nursery but it's also nice for me to save a few ££'s and for her to have time with the grandparents.

I have to accept they may do things differently to me, but because it's only really two days a month (for each of them) I don't let it bother me.

I went back to work two days a week after having dd, and my mum and mil were desperate to care for her on those days. Neither my dh nor myself expected them to offer and we were fully prepared to pay for a nursery place. Anyway, we have it a go- one day with mil and one day with dm- and it has worked brilliantly. My dd was 10 months old when we started it and she's now almost 4. There were a few blips to start with but they were ironed out quickly and my dd adores having a day with each. She also now does two mornings at a nursery as well as the two days with the grandparents and she's settled into it fine. She's really gained a lot from being with her grandmothers and I'm so glad we chose to do it this way.

On the plus side, if they're so keen, you should have access to unlimited babysitting.....

Just to offer another perspective I would always choose family members who love my children over one adult per three babies or five toddlers. They will get a loving time with more attention. Also in my experience and from speaking to other parents nurseries are quite rigid in terms of meal times and nap times while grandparents can arrange their day around your routine. My mum also makes me dinner which is a bonus. My two went to nursery for a very short time and they put my little one down for a nap too early so then he wouldn't sleep and was exhausted. Also I found the nursery were worse for giving treats as they had dessert every day. My two love having the day with their grandma and grandma still looks after then when their ill. One of my friends has basically used all her annual leave last year on sick days.

My DGC have a mix of care and that seems to work well - I do a day for each child, then nursery, then a childminder. Lots of different experiences for them that will stand them in good stead as they make their way in the world.

We have been doing our days for several years and so far it has worked well - they make themselves at home here and learn the lesson that different people live slightly differently and may have different rules but they can still get along. There has been no problem with settling at nursery only one day a week for either of them; ditto one day a week at child minders.

There is something to be said for variety - all part of life's rich pattern.

I understand it doesn't sound logical OP but there have been many, many threads on this subject where family childcare has become hugely difficult and caused a deterioration of relationships.

I'm not saying it can't work BUT the provision of regular, guaranteed, structured childcare is very different to just looking after the grandkids for a few days.

I don't think people always think through the implications of this. What if they go on holiday? What if they are ill? What if they feed the kids food you don't approve of? What is their position on discipline? Would they listen to your "rules" or not?

The other factor is the benefit nursery provides in social interaction (which is good preparation for school) and specifically structured play and activities.

I do not think that the GC find our care to be "stifling" as suggested above - it may even be that I am a bit more lax and they have more freedom with us! They certainly enjoy being unconditionally loved by several people and gaining in confidence. They certainly get more of our time than they do in any other setting - even at home where there are siblings to contend/compete with!

We have lots of fun together and they know we enjoy their company.

The fact that your mother is calling every day to pester you about having your daughter makes me think your wife is one smart woman. The whole dynamic of a family relationship can change when the grandparents are the babysitters. I've known several mothers who were made absolutely miserable by over-bearing, know it all in laws. What happens when your mother does things that completely go against how you want your daughter cared for? You'll have all kinds of drama on your hands. Also, I would question whether the grandmothers are for enough to watch after a toddler for hours on end. It's exhausting.

*fit enough

Oh dear op, I have been there and done that and I am a grandparent carer now to two boys.

My dd1 went to nursery and to my mil when I returned to work 3 days per week. The problem with the nursery was that they would not do one day only, it was two days minimum at the time. I did not want my dd with my mil more than one day for reasons others have mentioned, reliability, holidays, illness, plus she was unkind to me.

It ended pretty disastrously as she had taken to collecting dd1 from nursery ( to "help" me) and criticising the staff who did not take too kindly to it. This led to them asking me not to let my mil collect in future. I feel she wanted me wholly reliant upon her.

My own dm offered to help out at first but I knew it would not suit her at all. She and my dad adopted me in their mid forties and I never think she really took to motherhood. She was rather distant and very, very set in her ways. I would return home from work to find her looking at her watch with her hat and coat on and I knew it couldn't go on. We didn't fall out but I just made other arrangements.

In her defence, my dd's went to her in the school hols when they were a bit older and she seemed to enjoy this more. She would still have the door open waiting for me to collect them but my girls have fond memories of staying with her and her eccentric ways.

My relationship with my mil went from bad to worse and I haven't spoken to her in years.

I think your wife is wholly sensible here. If you can absorb the costs, then I would keep things as they are.

What may appear a short term money saving and family pleasing move can have long term repercussions for family relationships believe me. It would put your dm in a powerful position, it will lead to fall outs - she is already applying pressure by phoning you - and you will be in the middle of the fall out.

Your wife is right. Nursery is best in these circumstances. Far less for your daughter to get used to. Less chance for fallouts too. Or resentment.

Ultimately, consistency for your daughter is the most important reason.

We used nursery for our two and both sets of grandparents are very close to our children and help out in the holidays now that they are at school.

Agree with all that's been said. Your description of your mother's persistence on this matter is concerning and therein might lie the problem and your wife had been most kind/diplomatic in finding a solution she is much happier with. And pleasing your wife is very important!

Both your work places may offer childcare vouchers to help pay for nursery which are definitely worth using, if you're not already, or, depending on income, you may qualify for child tax credits.

I doubt any nursery would really want her only one day per week - all the nurseries around here want at least 2 mornings - for consistency.
Nursery is good for being alongside other children too.
It's quite possible that 2 days of nursery and 1 day of grandparent would work well, but which grandparent would your DP choose?! 3 days in different settings (plus a 4th setting at home with you) is far too much change for your average one year old.
I would stick to nursery (or maximum 1 grandparent day per week) and make the most of evening babysitting so you as your DP can have some time together.

I understand that care provided by family can be a bone of contention but when it works it's by far the next best thing to care from parents for children at this age. One year olds need consistent loving care from as few adults as possible in order to develop emotionally. Research shows that the socialisation that Nursery provides is fine for 3/4 year olds but not ideal for babies.

but nurseries can do this. DD had a key worker who was with her almost all the time, and stayed there for years. In fact, she still babysat DD when DD was 4.

We'd have stayed in contact for longer, except that we moved thousands of miles away. There were several really long-term consistent workers at DD's nursery, and she returned there over the holidays once she'd started school. It was a really lovely, supportive, relationship between us, DD and the staff there.

Please could you link to the research knitter?

Could you suggest 2 days nursery and 1 day with grandparent. But the grandparents do alternate weeks?