Wife wants to use a nursery, but I want to use family...?

[MrRussellK]

Hello,

My wife and I have a 1 year old daughter. She has just gone back to work (working 3 times a week 9-6) and our daughter goes to nursery for those 3 days. My MIL and mum are both begging to have her! Nursery is £70 odd a day. It seems so silly when there are family there begging to look after her. My wife says she likes that because if our daughter is ever ill/she is ill or she needs to go somewhere, they will be more than welcome to have her then, but if they had her for the other days when she's working, they won't be willing to do that, but I disagree as my mum still would and my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her and I have tried suggesting how about she goes to nursery for 2 days and my mum has her for a day and then she says no because then she wants her mum to have her, so I said how about nursery for 1 day and then my mum has her one day and then MIL has her for the other and she's against that?

Surely it's not logical?

I'm with the Op here, providing everyone gets on and is eager to do it, I'd choose grandparent care.

What I'd suggest though is that if the gp do 2 or 3 days a week each, it's alternated, which makes it easier to plan in holidays etc.

You'd also need to work out contingencies for when they are ill et, and this obviously only works if they are reliable.

Maybe I'm being unfair here, but I get the feeling that if a mum were to come on here and say that she really wanted her chunks to go to her mum's and her husband was insisting on spending over a thousand quid on childcare a month instead, I think people would support her instead. It's got nothing to do with the childcare, but that womens decisions are always supported here more than men's.

Well they must have discussed it already surely?

Now it's an issue because DM is calling all the time begging ... which seems strange!

Can she have DC at the weekend or Friday night for a few hours?

If I was in your situation I'd use nursery two days a week, then the grandparents have DD one day per fortnight each.

That was nursery is still familiar to her, and you're treating both Grand equally. And saving £280 a month...

Maybe I'm being unfair here, but I get the feeling that if a mum were to come on here and say that she really wanted her chunks to go to her mum's and her husband was insisting on spending over a thousand quid on childcare a month instead, I think people would support her instead.

I can only speak for me, but I'd warn her about all the potential downsides of relying on family for childcare in this hypothetical situation. But yes, I think it would be slightly different, because women do tend to be the more involved and informed parent wrt choosing childcare.

I have family members who care for their grandchildren and while they are happy to do it and offered in the first place, they all say it's incredibly tiring as they are older.

I did a mix of my mum having DS1 day a week and then nursery for 2 days. It helped out financially and also meant I didn't feel I was putting on mum too much. The other thing I considered was if mum has had DS 3 days in the week I would feel awful about asking her to babysit on a weekend if DH and I wanted a night out every once in a while.

Honestly? I used both and the nursery was far less stressful.
Family was fine but comes with demands and requirements and also they can become very involved and attached to the child.
I would use nursery and family in an emergency.
Tell them they can collect the kids from school in the future. That would be a help.

I also think the more critical issue here is family childcare vs professional childcare, not nursery vs childminder vs whatever. It so happens that nursery is the option the OP and wife are considering, but family vs paid childcare is the critical issue.

Also re: the impact of nursery on under-3s, the effect size is pretty small, and oddly enough nurseries and governments read the research too. The key worker approach was introduced as a result of research like this. Nurseries act to implement research findings and make the environment as positive and supportive as possible for a child.

There are lots of factors to weigh up, but if all else is good, three days a week of nursery is not going to turn an otherwise well-behaved, happy child into a hyperactive monster.

I agree Undersecretary. FWIW I think a good nursery is better than a bad childminder, but that's not the debate here.

Back to the OP's situation... personally I don't see much of an advantage in getting the grandmas to collect the child early from nursery. If grandma is ill or can't do it for some reason, could the child stay later at nursery that day, or would the parents have to make other arrangements? If it was me wanting to save money on nursery and involve the grandmas, I would go with the option several PPs have suggested, which is 2 days a week at nursery and 1 day a fortnight with each grandma. Then they can actually plan days out and fun activities rather than just squeezing in a couple of hours after nursery in the afternoon.

If your mother is the type to phone every day badgering you about this, then she seems like she might be the type it would be difficult to tackle about any differences is parenting styles etc.

Basically if you disagree with something the nursery does you can have a conversation with them about it and it's fine. With your mother and MIL there's probably going to be more emotion involved in that kind of discussion and that's where the detriment to the relationship can stem from.

I work full time, my kids have both been in nursery 4 days a week from 9 months (now 3 and 1), they absolutely love it. I don't recognise the comments about staff not caring - our nursery has a range of staff ages from young apprentices to older staff who's grandchildren attend the nursery. They are all fantastic, and lots of care and cuddles if required. I can hand on heart day I've never had an issue with any aspect of their care. The kids are happy and know the routine for drop offs/pick ups etc. and I always get a full run down on sleeps, food, what they've been doing etc. They're also great in supporting my daughter's long term health condition.

The other day they go to MIL's. They come back over tired from not napping properly, I can never get to the bottom of what they have/n't eaten, my daughter quite often comes home with a bad chest having not had her inhaler when she should have, etc. IL's love DC's to bits, and I've no problem the kids going to see them etc. but regular childcare is a nightmare. I've got to the point on several occasions where I've asked nursery to take them full time, but DH has talked me down and asked for another chance for them on the grounds it would break his mums heart not to have them at least the 1 day a week. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. For me it would be nursery all the time over family.

I think I must have different parents to most of the PP's. What the hell are those GP's doing with the children during the day that means a stranger is a better carer? I'm baffled.

And what is wrong with becoming attached to a grandchild? I'd think there was something amiss if my DP's didn't adore and love my DD. They can very easily discipline her whilst adoring her.

My DP's have done a marvellous job. I will have to tell them they appear to be a rarity.

Catrina - opinion that you don't like Nurseries is one thing, but posting factually incorrect drivel is another altogether. There is so much in your post that is just not true. By all means post your opinion, but don't state something as being fact when it clearly isn't.

Would have loved to have had my grandchildren full time and they were on offer but didn't feel I could do them justice.
Plus in a new relationship we wanted time for ourselves.

But I'm close to them all and we are here for emergencies

I think GPs can like the idea in theory and have the absolute best of intentions, but they have forgotten how exhausting caring for a baby/toddler all day can be. People in their 60s who still have the get-up-and-go to keep up with a child are pretty rare. My mum had three grandchildren under three to stay this weekend (with parents) and she informed me on Sunday morning she was "so tired she had wondered if she was terminally ill" (she was being tasteless; she is also actually pretty energetic, so it must have been bad). Even 2 days a week will suck either GP dry; they just don't realise it yet. Your wife is probably (rightly) worried that they will then resent her for poncing off doing her flash job (even if it is not flash and she is wiping bottoms; for some reason - I find - GPs are determined to believe that all women these days have jobs that just involve drinking coffee and gossiping).

JamesBlonde1 Mon 01-May-17 19:27:34
"I think I must have different parents to most of the PP's. What the hell are those GP's doing with the children during the day that means a stranger is a better carer? I'm baffled. "

A childminder or nursery key worker doesn't remain a stranger: like any other relationship it grows with contact. Dd's CM still keeps in touch- and dd is 20. My nanny kept in touch with me until her death when I was in my mid-40s.

I think I must have different parents to most of the PP's. What the hell are those GP's doing with the children during the day that means a stranger is a better carer? I'm baffled

I don't think you are baffled at all. I think you are being deliberately obtuse.

Well if she's being obtuse, so am I. Do all of you have really awful relationships with your parents?

Grandparents looking after kids is absolutely the norm in many countries.

Grandmothers do not always provide great care for small DC. My mother adored her GC and loved having them to stay in the holidays but she underestimated how much energy they had and what they needed to do in order to develop. This didn't matter as they didn't spend whole days with her week in, week out but it would have mattered if she had been their regular carer.

I have a good relationship with my DPs and ILs and I love them. However, that doesn't mean I want them to be my children's primary carer. They would do what THEY thought was right WRT my kids, which isn't what I want; they wouldn't follow reasonable requests, as they have already proved; and they can't offer the hours, consistency or commitment that someone could for who it is their actual job. Both my MIL and DM have strong views and are meddlers. Nnnnnnnope!

Plus I don't really feel like having our relationship coloured by this ENORMOUS FAVOUR they would be doing me, which I would inevitably be called on to pay back in multiple ways, including them feeling the right to have input on more or less every aspect of my life. Paying with money is, for me, much cheaper than having to pay - endlessly - in other ways.

Also, childcarers are no more strangers than grandparents are at first. My nanny genuinely loves my son. It's all I can do to stop her buying him presents all the time.

Good for you if you trust your parents or ILs to do your primary childcare. It isn't for me.

Maybe a compromise is 2 days in nursery and the third day is rotated between grandparents so they have her once a fortnight. The grandparents will become invaluable when LO catches a tummy bug and can't go back into nursery for 3 days!

Also, there are several stories on this thread already of GPs flaking out, GPs not able to cope with the reality of everyday care, GPs expecting children to fit in THEIR routine and bringing them back exhausted and badly fed, etc.

"I think I must have different parents to most of the PP's. What the hell are those GP's doing with the children during the day that means a stranger is a better carer? I'm baffled."

@JamesBlonde - as accounts on here have shown, yes, you do have different parents to some PPs. If yours are respecting your wishes on how your dc are to be raised/fed/disciplined, and the arrangement is working well on both sides, then that is great. But some parents aren't capable or willing to give care like that, and for them, nursery/paid childcare will be a better choice. Not all families are the same, so you can't say one sort of child care will suit everyone.

Then there's the issue of reliability. If grandparent carers get ill, or have a hospital appointment, or decide to have a last minute day out with friends, the parents will have to scrabble around for last-minute child care or take time off work, whereas if a member of staff at a nursery becomes ill, it is the nursery's job to make sure that their shift is covered, and their clients children are cared for - which is much easier for working parents. Clearly this hasn't been an issue with your parents - but has been, and will be for others.

Do all of you have really awful relationships with your parents?

Not in the slightest. But I need childcare that doesn't change it's mind about when they're going on holiday last minute, or get ill, or decide that they want to go out with friends or shopping or to the gym. All the things as grandparents they're entitled to do.

Not relying on grandparents to provide childcare does not equate to having a bad relationship with them.

Catrina - don't know where you've gotten your opinions about nursery from but it's like nothing I've ever seen at my children's nursery. I am hugely in favour of nurseries over childminders, mainly because I've seen some pretty crummy behaviour from childminders when out and about with my children. I do wonder why people think childminders are best for babies, when I seem them carted about with the older mindees.

My children's GPs are either a flight away, dead, or too unwell to care for them. They also have no first aid or child development qualifications, unlike every single worker at my children's nurseries. And the nursery staff are not exactly strangers, if they see children 3 or 4 days a week - indeed, more often than the children's GPs see them....

VelvetSparkles you hit the nail on the head, I am totally with you on that post and was going to say the same, but don't need to as you put it so well .