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Original poster

Wife wants to use a nursery, but I want to use family...?

159 replies

MrRussellK · 30/04/2017 17:13

Hello,

My wife and I have a 1 year old daughter. She has just gone back to work (working 3 times a week 9-6) and our daughter goes to nursery for those 3 days. My MIL and mum are both begging to have her! Nursery is £70 odd a day. It seems so silly when there are family there begging to look after her. My wife says she likes that because if our daughter is ever ill/she is ill or she needs to go somewhere, they will be more than welcome to have her then, but if they had her for the other days when she's working, they won't be willing to do that, but I disagree as my mum still would and my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her and I have tried suggesting how about she goes to nursery for 2 days and my mum has her for a day and then she says no because then she wants her mum to have her, so I said how about nursery for 1 day and then my mum has her one day and then MIL has her for the other and she's against that?

Surely it's not logical?

OP posts:
Fluffy24 · 30/04/2017 20:31

Nursery all the way. In the same position I'd have initially wanted to use family with DS but it wasn't an option. Now I realise that nursery is a better option and I wouldn't use family if it was even an option now.

Nursery is worth every penny.

I think there are benefits of using nursery for more than just a day or so each week - the children become part of their family in a way that I guess the overs who only do a couple of half days don't.

2rebecca · 30/04/2017 20:52

Agree that daily phone calls from MIL about anything but particularly how keen she is to have a small child alone would put me off. She sounds bored and likely to become even more clingy if she does do child care.
A grandparent happy to do childcare but not desperate to do it would be better but nurseries are good re holidays. If the child is ill then nurseries are a pain.

BubblingUp · 30/04/2017 21:00

Nursery.

Vroomster · 30/04/2017 21:01

Nursery.

Family change their mind! You think it won't happen but it will, trust me. Oh we're off on holiday, with the excuse that things change. Nursery are there all the time, they don't take holidays or get sick. It's also good socialisation for your child. She'll make friends she'll go to school with which is lovely. And yes it's a long way off but Pre school will also get her school ready.

Also, you can't complain about how they look after her because it's free childcare. No nap? Shove a load of cake down her? Free childcare. Maybe your wife doesn't want grandparents taking over parenting.

famousfour · 30/04/2017 21:05

Well we all have opinions and can all speculate on what your wife thinks but it seems time you need to discuss this properly with your wife to understand what her concerns are. At the end of the day you need to jointly decide what is best for your daughter and family.

Calling every day... I hope that is an exaggeration!. It lovely she has two adoring grandparents though.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 30/04/2017 21:10

I'd do nursery as well. No matter the begging, I don't think it's good to have such reliance on a family member. It would swiftly become a burden.

Astro55 · 30/04/2017 21:14

Sounds like your wife needs your support on this -

If you mum is nagging every day to have the baby are you doing the same?

Are you wanting a quiet life?

What part in the decision making did you make when the visits and arrangements were being made?

How often do you have the baby?

Could you work less to do childcare?

Luncharmstrong · 30/04/2017 21:15

I'm with you , OP

notonoanoa · 30/04/2017 21:30

Just a thought but have you considered a nanny? I agree with many of the posters re GP issues but nursery for an under 1 isn't ideal either - some research on high cortisol levels in nursery children under 2 amongst other negative effects not seen in children over 2 who spend < 30th rs per wèek in nursery.

A nanny cares for a 1 year old in their own home, takes them to playgroups and parks where they meet others and get fresh air, follow your guidance rather than inflexible nursery rules and builds a strong relationship with the child.and the GP can drop round from time to time!

NameChange30 · 30/04/2017 21:39

not Do you have a link to that research please?

hockityponktas · 30/04/2017 21:39

Does the nursery charge for full days or are they sessional?
Could you book a shorter day with nursery and have gps pick up dd?
That way, child gets a consistent amount of time at nursery to help with settling and staying settled there.
Gps aren't under the obligation of doing long days, which may prove more tiring than they remember!
I personally would prefer gp care too, but would also be mindful of lots of the reasons people are suggesting nursery.
Doing shorter days at nursery might be the answer? For example if your child is already booked in, it's highly likely you would be able to extend the day should a gp be ill or go on holiday.

Cel982 · 30/04/2017 21:52

Really surprised at the responses here. If the family relationships are good, I'd pick grandparents every time. Any psychologist will tell you that children under 3 do better with family care. Very young toddlers don't benefit from 'socialisation'; they need consistent, loving caregivers, ideally in a home environment.

Of course most kids placed in nursery care cope well and are fine, but if you have the option of GP care and don't foresee any specific problems, I'd be keen for that.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 30/04/2017 21:56

There's an awful lot of guff - without any supporting evidence - about family care vs a good nursery Hmm.

As per my pp I think it can work - but it's not an automatic passport to childcare nirvana.

Intrinsically it comes with a lot more "baggage" and potential for issues for everyone involved.

NameChange30 · 30/04/2017 22:00

I would really like to see the research and evidence about nursery v childminder v grandparent v SAHP. Although I suspect a good nursery is better than a bad childminder and vice versa. And I guess with grandparents it depends whether they are willing to do things the way you want, do a variety of activities with the child, take them to groups, etc.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2017 22:00

For me, it's the practicality of nursery that makes me say it's the better option.

You are far less likely to lose your child care at short notice with nursery - if a staff member goes off sick, they will have to organise cover, whereas if the grandparents are ill, the parents will be left scrabbling round to find child care, or taking time off work at short notice, which is never popular with employers.

tabbykitt · 30/04/2017 22:00

Family without a doubt.

No teenager on min wage is going to look after your little girl as her grandmas will.

annandale · 30/04/2017 22:01

AnotherEmma it sounds like a lot of the research in the book 'Why Love Matters' which i read when ds was tiny and which resulted in me cancelling the nursery place and employing a childminder.

SuperBeagle · 30/04/2017 22:07

In general, I would choose nursery. It's reliable and a professional environment. It provides consistency and stability in a way that family members don't; and it's more of an educational environment than many family members will provide. But, possibly most importantly, it allows your child to socialise with other children and helps them develop friendships (and conflict resolution skills!)

Mine went to nursery two days per week, to my mum one day, and to my in-laws for one day. That worked for us, but I don't think it would work for everyone.

NameChange30 · 30/04/2017 22:12

anandale Thank you.

Southernfairy1986 · 30/04/2017 22:16

If I was close enough to my family then I expect that would be where my dd would go but they've looked after siblings children so I know they are comfortable with the set up.

I think that you have to have willing parents though as it is not an easy job.
They have to understand that they can't be "grandparents" treating them, spoiling them etc as they need to be more parental. Yet they need to step back once you arrive and let you take the lead on discipline etc.
It would cause them to have a very different relationship with the child as well although the closeness would be rewarding.
You also need to pre arrange what happens with illness, holidays etc. You therefore almost need to treat them like a nursery with set rules yet also allow for flexibility. It's not for everyone.

It can be a tough set up but I know my siblings children have thrived on it thanks to my parents and I wouldn't hesitate to use them if I was closer. I'd use my in laws too but they don't want dd (and I'm not sure they would be happy to abide by all the "rules")

iamanintrovert · 30/04/2017 22:40

If the grandparents cancelled childcare at very short notice, would it be your wife who had to rearrange her schedule, or would you be able to do that? Because it occurs to me that the grandparents are showing lack of respect to you both by badgering you. This disrespect could easily translate into cancelling a day's childcare at short notice.

umizoomi · 30/04/2017 22:41

I think there is a balance here to be found

My mum wanted to have DS for a day but she goes on hols a lot so I said no. However, I didn't have pil's around to cover

In your case I think I would be tempted to suggest two days at nursery and each mum every other week so they get to look after DC but cover each other

Nursery is fab for all sorts of things but I still think there is a place for your mum/MIL

Original poster
MrRussellK · 30/04/2017 23:24

Thanks everyone. Some very good points here! I definitely think we did the right thing by nursery then! I'll also tell my mum to back off a bit I think, I didn't want to upset her and her to think that I didn't think she was good with our daughter but I see I can easily let her know in a kind way.

Thanks all.

The 1 day a week at grandparents is very good and then they just swap/cover, so that could definitely be a possibility. One thing that my wife and I think is a good idea is that she is at nursery until 3:30 and then grandparent can pick her up and have her for a couple of hours but if they are unable to make it she stays for the extended day? I think that could work well.

OP posts:
annandale · 30/04/2017 23:32

Oh I like that idea MrR. I do think many grandparents forget exactly how knackering a full day with a toddler really is, whereas 2-3 hours is a joy.

yetmorecrap · 30/04/2017 23:41

One of the nursery nurses came on holiday with us!! I had a mix for first 2 and a half years and then nursery solid from 2 and a half. I think mixed is good with under 3's but it really depends how flexible you are if family involved , by then H worked at home so if there was ever a real issue he could be flexible. I found that to be honest a lot of women like the idea but forget if someone is relying on you it cannot be casual as someone said

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