Wife wants to use a nursery, but I want to use family...?

[MrRussellK]

Hello,

My wife and I have a 1 year old daughter. She has just gone back to work (working 3 times a week 9-6) and our daughter goes to nursery for those 3 days. My MIL and mum are both begging to have her! Nursery is £70 odd a day. It seems so silly when there are family there begging to look after her. My wife says she likes that because if our daughter is ever ill/she is ill or she needs to go somewhere, they will be more than welcome to have her then, but if they had her for the other days when she's working, they won't be willing to do that, but I disagree as my mum still would and my mum has been calling me almost every day asking when she can have her and I have tried suggesting how about she goes to nursery for 2 days and my mum has her for a day and then she says no because then she wants her mum to have her, so I said how about nursery for 1 day and then my mum has her one day and then MIL has her for the other and she's against that?

Surely it's not logical?

So using three different providers across 3 days even if two are grandparents would be worse than the consistency of one key worker in a nursery setting, then knitter.
Arguments about 1:1 care are false, given that most people have more than one child and look after them at the same time.

I used both my mum and mil both times in the early years as childcare was too expensive it can be difficult but worked good for us to be honest it's harder now as they're older and during half terms etc it's a struggle to arrange as they are busy or on holiday etc but once my DDs reached school age I was fortunate to just works my hours around that

But if I could have afforded it I would happily have done nursery as it's reliable and consistent and do what you wish working with you for your child rather than having to converse with parents about everything cos they have different opinions to you and each other on what should be done

Your mother is ringing you every day? Kinda seeing where your wife is coming from, I'm also sensing that you personally couldn't give a toss whether the bairn goes to nursery or family and just want the earache to stop.

Relying on family to do childcare just doesn't work long term imo. Sort something else out so the nannas get time with the bairn.

Tell your mother you're sticking to the nursery plan for the minute but should that ever change you'll let her know.

nuttykitter The key word here is when it works. In a lot of cases it doesn't, but there are those who are lucky. Personally I would ask why take the risk?

Re: research: You do realise majority of the population put their babies in nursery and they are not traumatised by it.

Lastly your point about babies needing care from as few adults as possible, doesn't this shoot down the option of going with the parents then? Nursery will be more consistent, same location each time, same adults working by the same rules and regulations. GPs on the other hand will involve two different locations, different care

Nursery. Babysitting / outings for your mum.

If you can afford it, use a nursery.
Grandparents will never do it the way you want and I personally think they are there to legitimately spoil their grandchild. They can't do that if they have them as childcare.
Also it will be much harder than they remember.

I have to say I agree with you wife, and most of the posters.
Obviously presuming the Nursery Fees are manageable and you have that choice (although can claim help with fees for an official provider).

Having 4 different sets of care provider is not really good for little people (1 with each GP, yourselves, and 1 day Nursery). Too inconsistent.

When you are paying for a service, the boundaries are much clearer. If either GP is 'doing you a favour' by looking after your dc all day, then it is much more difficult to 'question' them on things they choose to do / neglect to do, that are important.
I also agree that it is then difficult to ask them to help you out with babysitting etc., when you want to go out, or need a break, or have appts that it isn't easy to do with a child - you feel you've already 'used up the favours'
Your Mum ringing you everyday, does sound like she might be overpowering.
I totally understand your wife's thinking, tbh.

Two days at nursery and the grandparents take turns for the other day

I agree with your wife and (it seems) everyone else on this thread!

I suggest you stick to nursery for the days your wife is at work. If the grandmothers want to see the baby more often, you could maybe schedule some regular visits or babysitting. For example, monthly visits and fortnightly babysitting (maybe half a day when your wife isn't working, so she can go to the gym/hairdressers/whatever, or an evening so you and your wife can go on a date). You could organise it for both grandmothers so that it's fair.

I would start with nursery on the lines of a PP who suggested saying you are goign to do the first three months to get used to it all, and I woudn't worry - a child going straight into childcare will almost certainly have a huge sequence of illnesses. Will the grandparents sign up to be 'short notice' care in case of illness or need - if you can find a way to make that sound OK?? Because you're going to need something.

By the time the respective grandparents have done a few weeks with a sad snotty baby who barely naps and spends most of the time whinging, they might be a bit less enthusiastic, or you and your dw will be sick of nursery nightmares and keen to go for family care.

Reading the op I first thought it's a no brainier then I had a think about my situation......my mum has my dc one day a week and I've had more issues with that than the Total of 7 odd years of nursery my kids did between them!
My mums car wouldn't start, she's ill, goes on holiday, has a last minute work booking and so on.....I stick with it because I want them to have one to one time with their grandma but god it's a headache and that's one day a week - if this was all my childcare I would be v stressed by now!

Were you expecting a different response, op?

Family childcare didn't work for me, mostly due to unreliability and differences in parenting opinions. There was a massive fallout when I moved DS to paid childcare but by that point they were my ex in laws and I was past caring.

Is the op coming back? Do you not think it is incredibly annoying of your mum to ask every day? I'm with your wife. In particular, if you aren't going to do half the work of supporting when their plans change , child is ill etc then you get absolutely no say in it at all, and you 100% support your wife.

Just to go against the grain here, I definitely agree with you that it seems crazy to send a child to nursery, when they can be looked after in a home setting by someone who loves them(which at only one is surely so much more important that "socializing" with other one year olds) for free.
However, this only stands if you have strong relationships with the grandparents, and have similar ideas about parenting. E.g there is no way my fil would have ever looked after our children. He still boasts of how easy it was to look after my one year old nephew for a week, as he just put him in a pen while he continued working from home on his computer.
Unfortunately, your wife doesn't agree, so I'm not sure how much you can do, other than accept that the mothers can cover the days when your child is sick.

P.s if I was your wife, and that was how I felt, I would be extremely annoyed at your mum asking every day if she could look after dd

There is a saying which has changed my life:

'Sometimes the cheapest way to pay is with money.'

I love my mother and my MIL, and they both love my child, but the absolute last thing I want is to be beholden to them for my regular childcare. The sense of obligation, the power they would have and inevitably use, the distortion of our relationship, the arguments over their opinions about what I'm doing wrong. No. Fucking. Thanks.

I prefer a straight exchange of childcare for money. Far cheaper in terms of the impact on my life. The GPs babysit occasionally and everyone enjoys that.

Your wife is right, nursery.

The fact your Mother is calling you daily about this is reason enough to support your wife and say no firmly to your Mother.

Nursery vote here for all the reasons mentioned BUT could a compromise be 2 days pw in nursery and the GPs 1 day per fortnight each? Then they would hopefully be able to cover one another for holidays/illness etc?

I'm split on this one. When I went back to work after ds1, childcare was all family. He has a wonderful relationship with both sets of grandparents as a result. Now there's two, and it's harder work, we do a split of nursery and grandparents still and that works well and ds2 has a good relationship with them as well. Ds2 is a lot more confident around strangers though as he's been at nursery from a younger age. It's also good for him as he has a birthday lye in the school year, so a private nursery is bringing him on quicker than his brother.

Are you going to have anymore? If so, those nursery costs are going to double! Equally, think about whether grandparents would be up for having two (or more).

Another bonus of family doing childcare is it frees up your weekends a bit - as they've already seen the grandchild, you don't have to spend the weekend doing grandparent visits! Does mean you feel a bit more cheeky asking for babysitting on the weekend too.

Never found we used them more when children are ill and can't go to nursery as they're older and we don't want them to catch the illnesses and a ill child just wants the people they feel most comfortable with, so will be crying for you, not them (especially if they aren't used to be looked after by them)

What about 2 days nursery and one with each set of grandparents on alternating weeks? That way, they are used to the child and the child is used to them ready for weeks when you may need them more.

Use the Nursery.

Family childcare is such a poisoned chalice - however good your relationship is this always comes with some sort of strings attached. When paying professionals to do a job not only are you getting brilliant childcare but you also hold all the cards and can tell them how you want things done. With family this always ends in huffiness and resentment.

Kids also learn social skills from being with others at Nursery that they can never learn by spending the day with Granny.

Please support your wife on this one.

Nursery for all the reasons above.

Our DC see their grandparents loads - babysitting, looking after them at the weekend so we can go shopping, having them for an afternoon if I have a meeting outside my normal working hours. Plus they're there if DC are ill. Why compromise all that by wearing them out regularly one day a week?!

I agree with your wife too. Days with grandma & grandpa that are spaced out not too close together are a lovely treat and you can chill out about whether your routines and nutritional preferences are followed because it's not going to do much harm to have no nap and too much sugar "just this once". Every week means the kids don't see it as special and you have a whole load of grief if grandma and grandpa's methods clash with your preferences - if you aren't paying you don't get to dictate what works best for you. Plus you have the nightmare of sorting an alternative when they are sick or away as pp have said. Go with the nursery.

No question - family all the way. Assuming they're decent family.

Reasons include:

1. Full trust they're being cared for and their needs being met.
2. They are loved. Hugely important and seemingly overlooked by many.
3. Huge flexibility. For example you can ring and say "Mam can you come to our house with the bairn cos she's poorly?"
4. Parents can take to lots of clubs for fun and socialisation. Toddler clubs, swimming club, clubs at libraries etc.
5. Maintaing routines and likes/dislikes.
6. Parents able to take to GP appt if unwell.
7. I could go on.....

You'll notice I haven't mentioned cost once yet. I had one GP care and my DD has an amazing relationship with her GP's as a result. That makes me happy.

Let your child enjoy the most natural arrangement possible, an arrangement which has been used for centuries.

I accept that if a GP is a bit of a loon then this isn't going to work.