Marriage ended an hour ago and now I feel like I'm going to die with hurt

[dearsomeone]

10 years gone just like that

I'm physically hurting and in so much pain how will I even face the next hour and day and how do I cope around the children

I feeling like disappearing this hurts so much

Dear someone
You feel like that because he's playing you to make you feel like that.

I did exactly the same.

They are sociopaths.
Look it up

You will come through this.
You will
I never thought I would.

It's my second wedding anniversary this year to a man worth more than the disgusting creature I was married to for over 30 years

Dowser, he listed the pros and cons regarding his marriage on a bloody menu? Words fail me. Except you're well shot x

OP, you will go through a roller coaster of feelings, memories, good stuff, bad stuff, all of it. You'll feel moments of strength, then collapse in a heap. It's natural and all I can say is just know that the bad stuff fades and the good times increase. Just be your own best friend. x

I know that this has helped being able to talk on here and yet I worry Ive outed myself to people I wouldn't want seeing all the details and the feelings....

I need to kind of read a really long thread from beginning to end of someone feeling this exact same way and then reading a post at the very end where they genuinely do not give a shit no more and don't love them anymore.

I know there was a woman that two of my friends know mutually but my friends don't know each other.... if that makes sense
And anyway my two friends would tell me seperatley about how strong she was after just finding out about her husbands affair and the shock of him leaving her. I can't remember her bloody name but I'm going to have a trawl through Fb to look and see where she is now as it was two years ago that it happened.

I feel very bad for only bringing this up now but 2 years ago this happened in the same way except he never gave the definite decision so I still had hope so never felt this bad. We were apart and going through this for about 6 months and he's seeing the same councillor that he was then. He's told me his councillor is on his 3rd marriage and is the happiest he's ever been.
You don't think that the councillor could possibley sway his decision could you to going through with the divorce ? Are they allowed to do that ? Back then it was the same thing and reasons except a lot of it was to do with trust issues. But I was genuinely paranoid since the affair while I was pregnant and I checked his phone constantly which I look back now and know was bad. Since we sorted things though I havnt been near his phone once. I said I would change and fix that issue and I did and there was no more trust issues. Now it's just him not feeling appreciated and loved but like I said I've always suggested him to go out for a break. I've never rung him or bothered him while he's been out. I've not thrown it back in his face and yet he tells me he still feels guilty when he goes but I havnt done anything to cause that !? Same as he agrees that I have always thanked him profusely if he's ever helped me out or done anything kind for me and he says it's because he can't accept praise. But yet he feels appreciated at work it's so confusing it's making me insane.

It is meant to make you insane, DearSomeone! He wants you to be constantly on the back foot. It is NOT bad to check his phone after you found out about an affair - it's not. He should have been reassuring you at that point, handing over phone and tablet, doing all he could to make you feel valued and loved. Did he do that (I'm betting a big fat NO!) I bet he just wanted you to STFU and get on with making HIM feel better! Please do not take the blame for him feeling bad about the affair - he should do. He should feel crap, and judged, and there should be trust issues - beacuse HE broke it, not you! No matter what he says - HE broke it.

A decent counseller would never tip the scales in one direction (divorce) or the other. A decent counseller should never disclose their own feelings. Which makes me think this 'counsellor' is really just a mate. Or he's jsut saying it to...oh yes, make you feel bad.

You are so obviously a lovely, loving person, desperate for love. You love everyone - him (creep that he is), the InLaws, everyone. Concentrate on your lovely children! They are at least worthy of your love.

Have a read of some of tghe threads on Relationships - there are some lovely ones on there, happy endings, strengthening stories.

Hope you have a good day

Thankyou ptumbi.... today is yet another struggle even after feeling so strong last night. I look forward to the evenings now to feel that strength. I've rung income support today and arranged to see a councillor tommorrow evening. I have an emergency appointment with my gp this afternoon and she is very very supportive and lovely. For now I'm going to run some errands while mil has offered to keep my littlest until I have seen gp. Been at there house and seeing his things broke me. Realising it's over anniversary in 2 weeks and we had booked to go away for a couple of days has broke me . I will never ever let anyone else have my love or heart again I will never ever fall in love again and I am still optimistic that I will find some way or hypnosis anything anything at all to make me not love him because I can't live like this. The income support people asked if I was miss or mrs and it killed me. They mentioned child maintenance and single parent council tax reduction and that killed me. I would literally literally not wish this on anybody there isn't a single person I would wish this on it's horrific. We used to say to each other that we wish that everyone in the world felt as in love as we do so there wouldn't be any pain in the world anymore. I wouldn't wish anyone to be in love. I imagine it feeling like death row. I hope this gp has a magic wand ....

I echo everything ptumbi has said OP.

I cried at CAB when I had to say the words out loud for the first time, because it made it real. It is natural to feel as you do.

But you must, must, must start to understand that he chose this path, he is not the man you thought he was, and he deserves not an ounce of your pity or understanding.

You are obviously lovely. You are grieving, it is natural. But please take him off that pedestal right now because he is a cheat, he is selfish, self absorbed and weak.

He has successfully guilt tripped you into blaming yourself, which shows how damaged he is.

Take time, as long as you need, to build a new future for you and the kids. You deserve so much better than him.

One day you will meet someone worthy of you. This guy has damaged your past, please don't let him spoil your future.

Think of a time before you met him when you were happy. He wasn't in your life then, but you were still happy...so that means there is happiness ahead of you.

Hope the GP helped, small steps, keep posting x

Thankyou cary. I went to the gp and just cried my eyes out for 40 minutes. Thankyou for your words. Hopefully with councilling I will come to believe in myself and have more self respect I don't know. What I do know is that I used to love listening to the radio and now every song resonates with my situation so I can't even do that now I feel like getting my shit together a little bit and having a good clean up and clear out. I also really need to have something to eat as I haven't eaten anything since Thursday apart from half a chicken wrap. My clothes feel better though which helps I suppose. Thankyou guys for your ongoing support it is genuinely helping. I just don't know what to do regarding getting things in place legal wise.... I'd hate to think he's sorting something and I'm going to be left stuck. I've no idea where to start or anything ......

Make a start by cooking something nice for you and your children only. Then get all the paperwork you can get your hands on and start copying.

Is there anyone out there you trust to keep duplicates if necessary?
Do any of your friends know?

Start carving out your territory - he can sleep on the sofa, Change the bed. Don't do any domestic tasks for him. Don't cook for him or wash his clothes.

Remember I love you but I'm not in love with you is bullshit for 'I'm a slutty yo-yo knickered pussy coward who wants to shag around like the horrible little porridge stirrer that I am but sure as shit isn't accountable for my actions oh and yes I love you to do all my domestic shit work while I dangle you on a string since I am still not sure if OW will take me' or ' wanna be a big man but am too much of a manbaby 'cause the thought of doing big grown up things like running a house,doing my own shitwork or TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN FEELINGS makes me skid my pants'.

Speak to him like an AI. Be cool and business like - children and relevant things only. Walk away from hugs and cuddles if you can.
Soon he'll find his green grass on the other side won't be so green when fertilized with bullshit.

Oh my god I've not laughed in so long thankyou geek! He's staying at his mums since Friday and not seen the kids since apart from when he called back for clothes. He's been really busy in the office and I think he's either using work to escape or using the excuse of work to cover up

It surprises me not at all that he's been 'too busy' to see his own children. Somehow I get the feeling that this 'father' will be way 'too busy' for ever to bother much with them How do you know he's 'busy at work' OP?

I know what you mean about the radio - when you're sad it's like every song is about hurt and breakups and pain... but sometimes it's good just to sing along. Loudly. Infact anything done loudly is good - gets the feeling out! Scream into a pillow, throw cushions, dance wildly, turn the radio UP not off!

I'm glad the GP was helpful. Hope you can do some stuff today - legal advice, CAB, housework - whatever you feel able to do.

Have some and a good day.

I'm glad I made you laugh! Hopefully you've eaten something by now.

Have a surprise ready for him when he comes back from the orifice office. LIke all his clothes in boxes and the rest of his shit in boxes too.
If you can maybe make sure the children are away - is there anyone who can distract and entertain them for an evening?

Also, is there anything you like that he doesn't? Make sure you take it out and have it in a prominent place.

How are you DearSomeone?

I'm not sure just feel numb
Just constantly feel I'm sinking and no one is helping me .

Who have you asked for help in real life?

Has your GP referred you for counselling or put you on ADs?

I know the pain, I don't think I will ever forget it - but it is behind me now and it will be behind you one day.

Try and eat. This will pass.

I have support , friends , some family and I've seen my gp for a cry plus started councilling too. It's just when they aren't there and I'm alone. I've rung Samaritans too. It just feels as though I'm looking a a magic wand that no one has.

Bliss I'm worried I will never move on. I'm scared I will always always love him and want him. I'm scared we are throwing too much away. I'm scared he will be my obsession for life and days will be revolved around him trying to get him to love me again. We will always be tied with the kids and family I can't escape and can't runaway never to see him again...

dearsomeone last year I split up from my xh. It's nearly 18months from the start of it now. I live with my 2 primary aged DC in a house that's mine. Yes, it's hard, yes, I'm having to work full time but it's sooo lovely not carrying any extra blame or emotions belonging to him. I feel lighter. I've cried for months, struggled with depression and the feelings you had (I thought the DC would be better off without me) but I'm on the rollercoaster road out now, I think.
Is there anything specific you want to know / want help with?

Dear - I am afraid that you will always love him too. He is so not deserving of it. You hold him on such a pedestal, and he doesn't deserve it. You brush all his negatives (cheating, unaffectionate, uncaring, cold...) and think he's great.

He really isn't