Marriage ended an hour ago and now I feel like I'm going to die with hurt

[dearsomeone]

10 years gone just like that

I'm physically hurting and in so much pain how will I even face the next hour and day and how do I cope around the children

I feeling like disappearing this hurts so much

I feel it is my fault. I haven't noticed things getting worse and havnt made him feel loved and appreciated. I've taken advantage of him helping me out and found it easier to let him get on with helping me out around the house rather than do some things myself. I should have just got on and done it all. Some days I've struggled just generally having no energy and feeling so fatigued. I know I haven't done absolutely nothing I do the majority of the house work but he would come in from work some nights to pots in the sink and I should have just done them and should have organised myself better.

Actually he isn't not looking good from your posts. You should not have to do everything, and he is the one saying he doesn't love you. He's the one who is doing the damage! It's not any more your job to keep him happy than it is his job to keep you happy.

OP I've been through similar. Feel free to message me if you need to offload.

You poor love, this was me in September, now I'm happy and strong and my husband isn't fucking up my life and my head any more any more.
You will get better, I too was suicidal - realised my son deserved better than that.
It's the shock, you will win, they don't do this without a reason, usually their fault - do not blame yourself.
It will all come out in due course. Don't let him persuade you into signing anything until you've seen a solicitor. He's blaming you to cover his own shit, what you just said he said is bloody ridiculous. Blaming you for wanting an explanation for his shitty behaviour. Fuck him! Stay strong.

This is not about unwashed pots! It sounds like he is gaslighting you

I haven't noticed things getting worse and havnt made him feel loved and appreciated

You should be asking, what has HE been doing to make you feel loved and appreciated?

You will get through this over time, and you will feel better, just get through one hour at a time, then one day, then a week. Don't dwell too far in the future

Agree with a pp.. Your H isn't coming across well.. stop blaming yourself dear a few dirty pots in a sink. Why should you "do it all" ?

I could have posted this exact same post a couple of months ago
You are in shock and hopefully this is not as terminal as it seems right now. Gave you talked about having counselling? That could really help.
In my case my DH was incredibly stressed at work and it was making him so miserable that he could barely function - having a wife and children just seemed too much for him. Luckily things are getting better several months on and we have been having counselling. This may not be your scenario at all, but everything you say sounds so similar. If there is no OW and he still loves you I think there is hope

Could he be suffering from depression, OP?

Ohbliss 7 months seems so so far away. If it wasn't for the kids I would be able to disappear and run away. I imagine a cottage in some marshes near the coastline and no one will be able to find where I live so no one could hurt me. I sound batshit crazy reading that back.
You don't at all. You are hurt and wounded. I wanted to run away too. You will get through this, I promise you. It will hurt like nothing you have experienced before (but you know that because that's what you are going through now) and there will be times when you do feel batshit crazy. I did. But you will get through it. You will. When things felt more than I could bear I rang the Samaritans. Their number is saved in my phone. Don't overthink it - just let yourself breathe and put one foot in front of the other for the coming days, that's all you can ask of yourself.

I don't like him saying that if you'd not said anything tonight it wouldn't have happened. He is choosing to react that way! Makes it sound like he is punishing you for asking. Now he's asleep as usual in your bed, while you cry and worry. As a pp said, tell him tomorrow if that's what he wants, he needs to leave and give you space. I wonder if he'll backtrack then.

FFS every single time a spouse acts like a cunt some fuckwit says "could they be depressed?"

What about the poor bugger at home, beating themselves up about a bowl of unwashed pots?! Questioning themselves over whether their spouse should parent the kids equally, wondering if they took the other partner for granted.

No one should ever blame themselves for the break up of a marriage when the other person pulls this gas lighting shite. And much less should they expect to be emotionally blackmailed by stupid people in the one place they go for support.

Thankyou for your replies it means the world ...
it's morning and surprise surprise it's still real and the nightmares were very graphic and real too. I'm not sure what to do now ...

I don't buy the "feeling trapped" How old is he? That's usually teenage boyfriend for wanting to sleep around.
Sorry you are going through this, op

OP you sound in so much pain.

One way to begin to heal is to take some control of the situation and ask him to leave if for no other reason than to give you space to think. At the moment you can't think because each interaction you have with him just leaves you more and more devastated and reacting rather than responding.

Speaking as someone who has also had a very similar experience some while ago now, I promise you that you will survive this and you will be happy again but how quickly you recover will, in my view, depend in large part on what you do now. Given what he is saying, you have nothing to lose by asking him to go and by not involving yourself in the details of that beyond facilitating his contact with the DC's and ensuring he is paying maintenance. These steps will empower you OP and they will make him see that you can and will survive without him, if that's what he wants.

You can still have your IL's in your life if this is the end of your marriage, but for now OP YOU and your DC's are the priority.

Things do seem to be all your fault in your husband's world. You are depressed, you have 'demons' (!), you let him 'help' you (he's clear on whose job the housework actually is, isn't he?), you are not trying, he came home to washing-up in the sink, you don't make him feel loved and appreciated...

What about him? Is he going to counselling? Does he make you feel loved and appreciated?

I think he's being rather cruel, and it's working.

Agree with PP. If he wants to end your marriage - he leaves the house. Sad as it is, I think you need to assume he is not necessarily being your friend right now, set up a couple of boundaries and put looking after yourself first.

I agree that if he wants the marriage to be over then he leaves. If he doesn't want to leave then there is hope. But you need counselling to unravel what has gone wrong and get an outsider's help with how to repair the damage.

Op it sounds like he's putting the full blame on you and that's not right he is gaslighting you, it his way of easing his guilt and its likely he has an OW or one lined up. My ex said and did the same things and I beat myself up thinking it was all my fault but it wasn't. One thing I would suggest is be careful of his parents as much as you think they care for you they are his parents and will always been on their sons side.

OP, I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

But - why are you taking all the blame for the marriage ending? HE ended it, saying you are not the woman he fell in love with? What is that woman? One who did everything around the house so he didn't have to do anything? One who shouldered all the 'wifework', childcare, housework... so he had a lovely cushy life? And when he is expected to actually do something, blames you?

He doesn't come across well in your posts. No-one in an equal partnership should be expected to bend over backwards to please a partner, take on all the work, be all things to him.

Stop blaming yourself, and get Team DearSomeone together.

Get him out - he wants to leave, don't listen to bullshit about how he'll love you as the mother of his children - not what you need or want.
Get legal advice.
Get yourself safe and look after the most important things - you, and your children.
He can look after himself for once.

The InLaws - can wait. They will not be on your team, they will be on his. In the future you can rekindle a relationship - for now, do not lean on them.

You can't be exactly the same woman he married, you're X years older and have been a mum for X years. We all change.

if you have both changed in ways that mean he can't be happy in the marriage anymore then that's noone's fault and he shouldn't blame you.

Please don't give yourself extra hurt about things that might never happen e.g. new partner and ILs - it might take him years to meet someone he wants to introduce to them and you might be happy with a new partner by then.

OP, so sorry you're going through this.
Is there any chance the two of you could make one more go of it?
Could his parents have the DC for a week while the pair of you go off somewhere - like that cottage by the sea, and give yourselves time to talk things through, being truly honest about what must change and can't continue, and how to change it? Sounds like you have been suffering from deep depression or fatigue related illness, and that does put an enormous toll on a marriage and on the partner. (I had it as did a friend for about three years. Just in case it's relevant in my case it was chronic Vit D deficiency on top of depression and is managed by Vit D spray along with SSRIs - such a simple solution.)

How about suggesting he has a month away, and you get yourself sorted out? Change the things you say you wish you;d changed, get some order in the house (Flylady) and sort out your own health with the GP and get some external support in place so you're not relying on him so much.)

Ask him what sort of life he'd imagined the two of you would have when things were good between you and see if you can work together to start to create some of that.

There are many people who survive horrific hurdles in a marriage and come back from potential break-ups. One couple I know are one of the happiest and they were in a similar situation years ago.

Lots of red flags waving.
He is gaslighting you.
He needs to leave. He can go to his parents for now.
You need to go to your counselling for support for you.

He's getting councilling at the moment as it's all got too much for him and he hit rock bottom last month. Apparently everyone else has noticed him struggling except me. I've struggled in the past with trust issues after he had an affair while I was pregnant with our first dd. I've told him that anyone else would have left right then but I stayed because I believed in our future but yet he says I don't fight for us. I feel I've been fighting and staying strong for the past 2 months even knowing that he didn't love me as he told me his feelings had changed but he was hoping through councilling we would be able to both get strong enough for a fresh start. This morning he asked if I was ok. I just replied I will be. I feel so numb and I've never ever ever drove without my seatbelt on Before until today..... I didn't even realise I'm going this morning to meet and register for councilling. I'm so messed up right now I wouldn't blame them if they took me straight to a psychiatric hospital!!!

You replies have all meant so much thankyou so much for replying I'm surprised how much it's helped

Poor OP. It sounds very horrible and very messy. I'm not sure if your DP sounds certain or what he wants or feels so maybe you should go to counselling and have some time apart to work it all out?

Take every single day as it comes, small steps. look after yourself. You will survive this. Focus on the kids routine - I know it will seem very very hard but it will save you.

EnidBlyton1: Could he be suffering from depression, OP?. Yep, that's my first instinct too (from the information available). If I was a psychoanalyst I think I might be using words like 'transference' ; I think he's depressed and wanting you to take responsibility for how he makes himself feel. He is gaslighting but that may be more because of his mood than because he's an emotional abuser and has always told you in subtle ways that you're not up to scratch. But he has to decide to sort his mood out, it's not your job. It is very unfair to accuse you of 'not being the same person' which of course you're not, nor is he and I wonder if this is his problem. I don't think it's ultimately about you, it's just easier for him if he makes it that way. Are you able to have a conversation with him about you both having separate counselling before any major decisions are made? Pyongy it's not unsupportive to reflect on what might be going wrong, I think saying LTB based on what the OP has written is more unhelpful. I think millifiori is right, agree a bit of space and go to your counselling and reflect on this BUT he needs to agree to the same and take responsibility for how he feels.

It's hard to tell if he was having counselling to figure out how to end it... For whatever reason. Might be an OW.

And you saying you need to talk and asking questions was a convenient excuse.

He cheated while you were pregnant... That's a terrible betrayal and yet he is sending conflicting messages.

I think he wants to be the good guy by telling his parents he doesn't want to end it.

If he really doesn't want to end it, then marriage counselling would be a good idea.

Has he specifically said what has changed in you to cause this?

Because the man you married would not have cheated on you would he.