Marriage ended an hour ago and now I feel like I'm going to die with hurt

[dearsomeone]

10 years gone just like that

I'm physically hurting and in so much pain how will I even face the next hour and day and how do I cope around the children

I feeling like disappearing this hurts so much

Oh I'm so sorry
The words from your DS made me a bit teary! You sound like you have fantastic children and they need their fantastic mum.
Do the bare minimum that you can get away with when the pain strikes big time. The children will be fine.
Hope you feel brighter in a bit

Please also bear in mind that his promise, "I'll behave better" might mean in his head "I can help make this better".

It's so normal for kids to blame themselves and think they can fix these things. There's already some guilt there overtly in your son's language. Please don't let him think that's his role, especially if he's "keeping secrets" from his sisters too, which is another tricky role for a child.

(I speak after so much retrospective therapy for me and my husband.)

Ptumbi I meant that dh doesn't hug ds enough not the other way around. I've always told dh that although he's a man he still needs to show affection to his son. He always seems in a bad mood with him always seems like there is something he sees ds is doing wrong. I've said countless times that he is just a child and to stop speaking to him like he's an adult friend that he doesn't even like.I have brought it up with him so many times and I've told him that it gets me down so much to see him that way with him and I just want them to have a normal relationship as father and son and do the things they should be doing and spending time together without feeling like dh always seems pissed off at him for one reason or another. He always replies saying that he's just not that way out and he doesn't do cuddles and I'm making ds too sensitive. Ds is a sensitive boy anyway and that's his personality. Sensitive in a way that he is caring and loving. And now this has happened it's the first time I've seen dh truly reach out to genuinely give him a cuddle and tell him he loves him. I can't help but feel that if he was like this before with him that I would have felt happier in myself and wouldn't have been so down. I told him that it's the main thing that gets me down. Why wait until now to hug him and speak to him like he always should've done? I'm so confused! Ds has told me dh has text him saying how proud of him he is and how much he loves him so why now ? Why!?

I'm not expecting him to be the man of the house now and it hurt me so much to hear him comforting me. He has always been a very loveable and thoughtful child and this why it annoys me so much that it's taken this long for dh to show him any affection.

He might say that it's obviously better for us to be apart because he can now show him affection but that makes me call bullshit that he should have done all along.

Ds has just brought me a very dark and tar like coffee after trying to surprise me with using the coffee machine and even before I read these messages I'd already explained to him that it's not his job to try make me feel better. He's not my carer and the responsibility shouldn't be on his shoulders at all but I'm very proud of him for being so caring and grown up.

I am struggling and I'm very upset when these waves come over me but I just can't send off the kids to someone else I need to be a mum and look after them and I feel I will be more benificial to them been around them and at least trying rather than them not being here. I know I keep getting upset but il be upset for s long time so I can't wait until I'm not before having the kids back home. I don't know I'm so confused as to what to do right for them.

We have planned to go for a walk today and have sandwiches or something near a lake.

Focus, focus on your children at a time like this, not your Husband , this will help enormously , when I've struggled relationship wise recently, I've often wished my son was still at home to distract my thoughts

Stay strong and take every day hour by hour. Thinking of you 💐

I'm trying I'm trying I really really am I swear I'm just trying to focus on them and be happy and normal around them but it's just too much. All I saw was family's and couples at the lake. We are home now but I just can't do this I feel like he's died I feel like he's died and it hurts so much someone please tell me how to take all this pain away it's unbearable please

I'm sorry, I know it hurts but unfortunately you can't take the pain away. It's a natural reaction to what's happened. It will subside and get easier to deal with though.

Sorry if I missed it but do you have friends and family nearby who can help? I think you really need some practical, real life help, aside from the support your getting on here.

So please call in for backup from the grandparents - now. If you have it, use it: these will be the worst days and it will get easier.

It'll give you a bit of time to grieve intensely by yourself. It'll give your kids someone to talk to. And it might also help your in-laws feel better and involved too.

Where are your family?

My DP has left me too, so I understand the anger and pain. Although try not to think forward to him having another partner yet - you may still have more to talk about. Him saying he wants to end it might be the start of a conversation about why.

Let you both sleep on it. Agree on counselling or some way of talking. Acknowledge to him that he wants to end it but that until you've worked it through neither of you know if it might be saved.

I meant that dh doesn't hug ds enough not the other way around. I've always told dh that although he's a man he still needs to show affection to his son. He always seems in a bad mood with him always seems like there is something he sees ds is doing wrong. I've said countless times that he is just a child and to stop speaking to him like he's an adult friend that he doesn't even like oh good God. Your Poor Ds. I think, I really really think your DS will be so much better off without this distant, disdainful, uncaring and unloving man for a father.

I can't help but feel that if he was like this before with him that I would have felt happier in myself and wouldn't have been so down. There you go again, blaming yourself for not being able to get your uncaring creep of a 'husband' to show any affection to his own son! Um, actually, that is a huge failing on the part of your xH, not yours; do not make it your fault. I think you may have to come to the conclusion that this 'man' is a cold, uncaring, calculating, cheating creep.

And the sooner you do, the better. The sooner you get ANGRY with how is treating, has treated you and your children, the sooner you will heal.

Please don't let xH come over when he likes, to give you hugs and manipulate you. He is a cold, cold man. Anything he does if for him.

I am so glad you got out and got some fresh air and had some fun. More of that! And I'm glad you will keep in contact with your in-laws. I'm sure they will want to still see their grandchildren too.

I am a little disturbed by the idea that he wants YOU to have counseling to become the "woman he fell in love with." I find that rather a manipulative statement. Maybe you need couple counseling - that makes a lot of sense; but to suggest that it is only YOU who need to change is not a good starting point.

You probably feel able to let him get away with such statements because you are feeling low and have suffered from depression. But I think you need to re-own your self-respect here - he is manipulating you and you need to say a firm No to this. You are who you are, with all your talents and faults, and he does not have the right to say that only you need to change.

I have been married for 46 years and I can certainly tell you that my OH is not remotely as he was to start with - and neither am I. We both have the benefit of life's experiences/challenges/crap and that has made us different people, so we have had to adapt. As indeed you BOTH need to.

Take your courage in both hands and take a pride in who you are., warts and all. You can do it!

Oh god I feel so up and down what the hell is wrong with me ! Is it because it's evening can it change ? My mood has been slightly better in the last few hours. I'm planning on bathing my littlest after a very very sloppy poo in her knickers at the park earlier I thought I was going to have a breakdown but took it a step at a time. It was everywhere I'm not exaggerating and I felt everyone was looking at me all those happy family's and couples. I felt terrible for taking them home early but my eldest has said it's been the best day ever. So I'm going to bath her and get pjs on. We are all going to sleep in my bed again tonight but with one of the kids mattress on the floor as we were a bit overcrowded. Then I'm going to write out a plan in my bullet journal. What I'm entitled to what I can claim as degrading as I feel claiming again and I know I shouldn't. I'm going to have a plan to get a job and know I will get childcare easier too. I'm going to plan some meals for the week too. I just needed to get this down to look back on too so if I forget I'm making progress I might be able to see a pattern of becoming stronger. I've also messaged my mil to ask if she can help arrange a way with dh to see or pick up the kids without me having to see him or have contact with him at all as I really don't think that's helping at all me seeing him. He gave me a cuddle last night before leaving and I feel it's patronising. A few days ago this week he was telling me he wants us to try a new pub out that does really nice food and looks cosy and he said he doesn't just want to go but wants me to be the one who is sat there with him. Then in the blink of an eye his mind is tottally made up. I think that is the main thing that hurts well along with everything else.

I think it's completely normal to feel up and down. And well done for getting through the day. Toddler poosplosions are no fun to deal with even at the best of times.

Having been through this kind of thing myself, and from speaking to others who've been there, it's usual to feel at your worst first thing and then better later in the day. So it's not you being "weird", if you're worried about that, it's a completely normal reason to a traumatic event.

OP, no one, and I mean no one, is worth feeling the way you do. At the end of the day, he is just a man.
I made myself ill when my H left and I look back and think he really wasn't worth it. No one is ever going to make me feel like that again!
Get up, give yourself a shake and stop wallowing. Stop beating yourself up and taking the blame for everything.
I really don't mean to be harsh, but I see you going the same way I did, and I repeat, he really isn't worth it!!

Totally, ocelot! He is just a man, and not even a decent one at that. I am so glad you recognise his manipulation DearSomeone. He is patronising you - throwing you a few crumbs of affection, telling in the next breath how you have to change, for him, get counselling to be a better wife. How about he becomes a decent husband? A decent father?

I felt everyone was looking at me all those happy family's and couples. - please don't. Mums take their kids to the park all the time. Not one person is looking pityingly at you, all alone, no man with her.... Have you ever? Ever looked at a mum enjoying her kids having fun in the park and thought 'oh poor her! No man!' No, me neither.

Oh and it's all very well getting MIL to organise a handover of the kids (if they want to go - your 12yo is plenty old enough to be listened to, if he resists. Please do not make him go) but it is up to xH to organise dates/times etc. Not you. It's on him now. (I have the feeling he won't bother much)

I'm sure ds 12 will want to go he loves his grandparents and they all enjoy going so will enjoy going to see his dad there too. It was more for me to get his mum to maybe help some kind of handover if that makes sense? I just can not see him at the moment I can't bear to see him and feel it makes things a lot worse. What on earth do I do with our wedding album ? Photos and all the little mementos I've kept. Letters we have wrote to each other especially the ones he's wrote to me it breaks my heart to read them knowing he genuinely loved me at some point . Our wedding video .... just everything....

You don't need to see him if you don't want to. It will be too raw at the moment - don't force yourself. A trusted friend or family member can deal with handovers for now.

Anything like letters, albums, stick them in a box and put them away somewhere you don't have to look at them. Or give them to someone you trust to look after.

Oh, and be kind to yourself. Everything you're feeling is a normal reaction to having a really upsetting shock. You're doing great

For someone who wants to end the marriage he sure sucks at boundaries. It would be best for you to make it clear that all content is child only an you will block and delete all others. He is trying to keep you either software or as a backup option.

Yes Geeklove. And I think once OP is able to get a bit of distance from him she'll start to realise he's not the man she believes he is. He sounds rather a nasty piece of work to me.

By software I meant soft! But an apt typo.

Oh OP I was you 6 weeks ago. I thought it was all my fault because he made me believe it was, nothing I ever did was good enough.

But you will get through this, I know it's hard to see right now though, believe me I've been there.

Just take it one day at a time, I've realized that nothing I ever did was good enough and that wasn't my issue it was his. I've been gaslighted and controlled and it's only now I'm out of it I see it, I no longer walk on eggshells and people say how much happier I look.

I feel a lot less anxious, and for the first time in a long time I feel like myself again.

I was on anti depressants anyway but mine help me sleep and increase my appetite so I've at least been eating and sleeping.

I've still got a long way to go, but I know how difficult it is to see things when you are in the middle of it.

I found for me it helped when he moved out, and I boxed up his stuff, and sorted out my benefits etc, I started to feel a bit more in control.

Just take the time you need, and the way you feel is the way you feel, you are not over sensitive, go easy on yourself

One step at a time, DearSomeone. You really don't need to worry about photos and videos at the moment.

Concentrate on eating well, and clearing your mind. Well done for arranging handovers with MIL; if the dc love going there that's 2 birds with one stone.

You don't need to see him. It's better if you don't, you can properly think about what you and the dc want and need.

Are you back in your house now?

Well I've just read the whole thread OP, and was relieved to see a couple of pages ago a little spark from you, because you sound like a little kicked kitten, and my heart goes out to you.

So many of us, hell - way too many of us have been where you are now, and you've got some lovely support on here.

You naturally love your H, but I'll be honest OP, I don't like him one little bit. No decent man would have an affair. Many not too decent men would draw the line at cheating on a pregnant wife. You two got together, had kids and of course you changed! Being a mum as you know is a slog, rewarding yes, but bloody hard work. You seriously think that if you'd washed a few pots up, before his lordship returned home, he'd be happy??

There's an OW here, the thread reeks of it. He hasn't the balls to confess, so like my ex, and countless other spineless twunts, he's playing the 'you've changed..I want the girl I married back...I love you but I'm not in love with you' card. Thus, he is absolved of any blame, and you run around beating yourself up, blaming yourself and wishing you could turn the clock back and 'do it all better.'

I did that, took the blame, jumped through hoops, nearly had a breakdown believing it was me who was a rubbish wife, and took all the guilt for a dad leaving three gorgeous kids. Then I found out about his long affair...

Get angry. Take control. See a solicitor. Let him see that this won't break you. It won't, I promise you it won't.

You are a mum, a good mum. You have been gaslighted by a man who has a plan, and right now you don't know the whole truth. What you do know is that he wants out, so let him go. Let him go, seek legal advice, lean on RL support (but not too much on his family), take it a day, an hour, a minute at a time. Early days, hold our hand if you need to. x

Cary and everyone else too thankyou. It's the evening again and I seem to feel a bit better in the evening I don't know why. It's been a very very very hard day and I've sat and told my friend that my thoughts are playing between wanting the pain to disappear and I can only think of one easy solution to that and then thinking no because it would ruin and break my kids hearts and then no because actually I'm a terrible mother to them and they will realise that when they meet the more fun and loving OW who makes dad and everyone happier. I feel ugly I feel spotty I feel like a complete drain on everyone I meet and talk to. I feel I don't fit in. I feel like I could completely fix things by becoming a new and improved happier me and he would come running back. The pain is genuinely too much and for I imaging I would have certainly broken and taken my life if I didn't have children. That scares me and it upsets me. I wish there was some kind of hypnosis to stop you from having any feelings for somebody at all. I even feel like I'm draining to you all on here because I keep writing how I feel and it's just depressing and miserable to read. I don't think I will ever come through this and I think I'm the future when we do see each other years from now that I will still ache and break so much with pain. I hate how much I love him I hate how much I love his family. I feel lower than the black sheep of the family. I feel I'm a lazy, boring, selfish depressing draining lump of shit after thinking about things I could have not done. I feel trapped that I'm now going to live a life of pain and misery and feel so guilty that although I keep having a small giggle at some of the wild things the kids do every now and again that not even they are bringing me the joy they used to. What kind of mother doesn't feel joy from their own children...?

I'm with Cary here.
I think there's someone else too.

I was ghosted I think is the term here for 8 fucking months by a liar and a cheat.

Boot him out. I worried mine was going to top himself
Huh!
While he was having his nasty secret little affair instead of being honest.

Don't take anymore of his shite.
He's got someone in the wings.
Start being your own detective.

I ransacked this house and found nothing and then as luck would have it in his dinner suit he'd written on a menu , all my good and bad qualities and that of the ow

I rang my bf, whose fiancé was friends with my ex and who had cheated on her and told her.

I gave her the woman's name ( abbreviated) omg, she said, I'm so sorry, I've met her.

At a party, where he was meant to show up and this skanky bitch had the nerve to ask my friend if she'd seen him.

My friend never put two and two together the time. It had happened ages ago but she was spot on.
That was the one.

You'll get your proof. They always fuck up somewhere.
Meanwhile, its business head on, ducks in a row.
Get the best deal you can for you and your kids.