Marriage ended an hour ago and now I feel like I'm going to die with hurt

[dearsomeone]

10 years gone just like that

I'm physically hurting and in so much pain how will I even face the next hour and day and how do I cope around the children

I feeling like disappearing this hurts so much

Cross post OP, I see he is having counselling. For you, if you can't access counselling that quickly through your GP you could contact your local branch of MIND who often have low cost counselling that's quicker to access or have a look at the BACP website which will give you accredited counsellors in your area. It's really tough, I know

Op, it sounds exactly what my exh did, which was polishing a turd to make himself look better in the eyes of everyone around him by making all the marraige problems and lack of support out to be your fault whilst not accepting any blame himself. It was only during joint councilling that my ex realised what an utter shit he had been to me and that it was only me that could divorce him straight away as i had no unreasonable behaviour at all. Get him out and to his parents so you have some breathing space, sort out your councilling and next time he asks if your alright tell him the truth..... no im not alright and you know it. You can do this, for you and your children, you have been put in a corner and i think you will surprise yourself with how strong you can be when it affects not just yours but your dcs lives.

Agree with a lot of other folk, why is this all your fault? Is it your fault he had an affair? He is telling his family its your doing. No no no. Im not happy with this, he is playing a game with you

OP - it honestly sounds to me as though things aren't irrecoverable. Your DH is in counselling- which can be a painful process, and you haven't started yet. You asked him for a commitment which, it seems, he feels is conditional on things improving, rather than freely given. So things have hit a crisis point.
You haven't fully explained what the problems in your marriage are, but the question seems to be whether YOU want to address them?

Your DH is being cruel by blaming your for asking a very natural question for reaching this stage. I can only imagine how insecure and anxious his refusal to offer some hope has made you feel. But if there isn't someone else, if this is about problems related to your mental health, and if he hasn't said he wants to end your marriage and does want to fix it,then counselling for you and couple counselling for both of you could provide a path back. Even if it doesn't you will have tried. He has said he is willing to fight for your relationship - and is expressing how important it is to him that you want to address things too by withholding reassurance of commitment.
Perhaps if you take a deep breath and take that counselling appointment you will feel a lot better? Good luck- what ever happens there is support here too.

He is a gaslighter.
More than likely there is an OW, i think.

You'll find your anger soon enough.
Don't let him throw you out of your house - he should go.
Seek legal advice.

He keeps saying sorry to me. Keeps trying to hold me. I don't know what to say to him. He's upset and keeps saying sorry. I've told him not to hug me or hold me it doesn't help and only gives me false hope. He's asked what time my councilling appointment is.

I feel so so ugly right now. I've come out in the biggest spots on my face. I forgot to put dc pe kit in the dryer last night and he says he will get told off. Feel like worse mum in the world. How can I disappear the kids will be devastated and will never understand that it's because I couldn't handle the agony. I don't think I could get to the point of ending my life but how do you cope and manage when the pain is too much ...

I have had pnd and it's made me very lethargic and I've found it difficult some days to do the most basic tasks but I do feel I've completed them it's just taken time. He's helped me when he's come home from work and I've been ever thankful. It hasn't been everyday and I certainly haven't been sat on my arse all this time doing nothing. I've struggled when I've had decorating to do and I will spend a few days dedicating all my time to trying to finish wallpapering and painting to finish a room and everything else goes tits up and messy in the house for a little bit. Or if I go somewhere with the kids for the day I've not kept on top of the housework. I tell him it's normal and all mums struggle with housework and looking after the kids and yet I still feel I've failed.

Hi OP, I normally only lurk here but couldn't ignore your post. I've been exactly where you are now last June. 'D'h had previously had an affair when I was oh with Dc4 who is now 5 and last June decided he wasnt sure of his feelings.
I won't lie it's been hard and we are still working on our relationship. What has changed is ME. I have worked hard to realise that although I love my H and want to be married, I WILL be ok regardless of the outcome.
I have leaned on good friends and have worked on my own self-esteem.
I have given him until September 1st to sort HIS issues out or I am divorcing him.
You will come to realise that is is not your issue and you have no control over how he feels. My H has a lot of guilt over his affair (as he should) and is struggling to forgive himself).
Take all the counselling being offered and be kind to yourself.
It WILL get better.

Thankyou heather

It does help to see so many of you have got through this

It just seems so far away. I love him so much I can't believe the pain actually physically hurts so much. I've just got ready to leave for my councilling. I feel like not coming back at all. I feel like all these women who turn up on the news missing are because this happened to them and they wanted to disappear

I don't think your dh' is as much of a good guy as he appears to hope you do.

I suspect- like other posters that he's gaslighting you.
He's going to walk away looking like a tragic injured puppy but I'd bet my last pound he's got ow.

Op- it's not your fault. You sound like a lovely person and I bet you are
You don't deserve this.

When are you going to stop believing his narrative of what you are?

Stand up for yourself, tell him to go if he is leaving you and focus on yourself.

It sounds to me like he is a bit confused. When your with someone for a long time things often becomes a routine, concentration is mainly on the kiddies (which is right) but this leaves the man feeling sort of left out or unloved.

Have a little talk to him, say you would love to try give things another go with him, suggest a date night a couple of times a month, and once a week have a cooked meal or takeaway with a film and glass of wine just the two of you.

I hope you got some rest, and things work out for you 💐

OP, just remember it will be your DC who will suffer if you leave.
Many times I wanted to disappear and seriously thought about it, so I understand, but they need you.
Don't beat yourself up over gym kit etc. It's fine.
He will try to rewrite history to make himself look and feel better.
Just remember this is about HIM and not you.
Also make sure you have some RL support. Your in-laws first priority will be him (and your DC) as much of a good relationship you have with them. My own parents live in another country and I stupidly thought that my in-laws were my family too. They may say this but at the end of the day blood is thicker than water. I am quite socially akward and really didn't bother with friends until the affair came to light almost 6 years ago and I had to force myself to be more social and make friends.
You will feel low so just take time to process this. I found mindfulness techniques extremely helpful (your consellor may have already mentioned these).

The place I went to did an intitial assessment and then told me it's about 2-6 months waiting list.....

I rang a private councillor who can see me next week but it will cost me but I'm sure I might be able to find the money.

Before I left he said I looked beautiful and I need to go into the councilling with an open mind ....

When I got back he asked how it went and I explained. I said I would sell some of the things I collect and he said point blank no as I love them but I said I only need one and it's materialistic things that mean nothing to me now . He still says I'm not to sell them. Why would he care if I did or not .

On the way there I stopped in the middle of a busy road as a man was trying to push his mobility scooter that had broken down across two lanes of busy traffic. I parked up properly and sat with him. He looked so much like my dad that I lost a few years ago. My dad had a scooter too. His tshirt was the same and his mannerisms and everything. He had some tiger bread in his shopping. He asked if I was going to work and I started crying saying no I was on the way to councilling and I laughed. Now I just want my dad here so much . Why is everything hurting so much at the same time. Then I came home and found a baby bird in the garden that had fallen from its nest. So I wrapped him up in tissue and cried again because life is so shit. I'm sat crying over someone who doesn't love me and a bird has just lost its baby. I feel so pathetic

What is pathetic about acknowledging real emotions and allowing them to be?

Missing your dad is normal and ok. Crying over the baby bird is normal and ok, I did that too once. I was so shocked at my own reaction, and I didnt have anything going on like you have. Crying because you have been blindsided by someone you love is normal.

Its ok to feel those things and its far healthier to let those emotions out than bottle them up. Keeping them in will affect your MH far more.

Pathetic is pulling the rug out from under someone and then wandering around like a kicked puppy. Pathetic is hurting someone to almost beyond endurance and acting like its their fault. Pathetic is not taking ownership for your own fuck ups. If anyone is pathetic here, it really isnt you my love

I'm really really not sure where to turn right now. I'm at home with my youngest and due to pick up my dd from school then to take her to dh mum and dads for the night. I am genuinely genuinely scared to death. I am terrified of the prospect of having to pick them up tomorrow and look after them as I don't think I can. I am feeling very unstable right now and I'm so scared. I am hurting so much and I don't know where I'm supposed to turn for help when you feel like you can't look after your kids when you feel this bad. He's at work today until later this evening and then he's at work all day tommorrow too and Sunday. Does anyone know what I can do because I feel really bad and can't stop crying

Your posts are so sad.

Has your partner made you feel bad about not being the perfect wife? Because it sounds like you've suffered with pnd and depression and it's actually perfectly ok to do so. Not everyone is able to keep on top of the house being spotless. Not everyone cleans everything up when their dp comes home from work.

Did you have depression prior to your dp having an affair or did that tip you into it?

Your dp sounds manipulative I have to say.

Oh sweetheart Iv just read your posts in so sorry
Where abouts do you live?

If you genuinely feel that bad (and I think you do) you can ALWAYS take yourself to A and E. This is advised in circumstances where you feel suicidal, they can get you help.

No wonder you feel so sad and awful, your life has been tipped upside down poor thing. Please, if you are feeling so desperate, go and see a Dr, at you must have an emergency appointment and ask for help; they may well be able to give you something to tide you over for a few days to give you a bit of space from the feelings overwhelming you.

Please don't disappear, your children would forever miss you and blame themselves. I'm a search and rescue volunteer, we get called out when people disappear, and overnight how utterly devestated the families are when we can't find their loved one; reach out for help before it gets to that point; Dr, your family, friends, Samaritans-keep talking on here, people are around at all hours to be with you here, it will all feel so bloody painful right now, but you will feel better I promise, it's just getting through those first hours, days and weeks, and only way is to take it each minute at a time. Thinking of you and sending strength x

I just wish he would just come home and say that everything was said in hurt and that he can't imagine us being apart. He's my life and I will always have to see him because of the kids. Even if I get through this I will always end up watching him with someone else introducing them to the kids. How have I let this happen how have I not noticed. How can someone be so genuinely sure that they love you and then just one day not feel anything. My little one keeps asking me what's wrong she keeps asking me if I'm poorly. She's weed on the sofa again and the stupid bastard cushion won't fucking come out of the cover it's too hard and I just want to make the house look amazing for when he comes home. Where's this god that everyone talks to. Do u think if I actually wished hard enough and prayed enough that someone would help. She's doing up my shirt buttons to make me feel better and I feel like the worst mum in the world for tearing this family apart

You're not tearing apart a family op, your dh is.

Why do you have such a high opinion of him but such a low opinion of yourself?

You're a complete person independently and separately from him- what about your needs? You are so focused on impressing him of being what he tells you you should be.

I echo the poster above who said your dh is manipulative.

I'd go a step further though and say he's a bastard.

He's done a complete number on you op.

I just know he's tried so hard and I've not realised how much he's been struggling trying to make me happy. He would buy me things and say it's because he thought it would make me happy and I've told him multiple times that it's not things I need it's him I need and the kids do too we needed his time not his spending. He would come in from work and do the dishes and although he wouldn't complain about it I didn't realise it was getting him down so much. In the heat of an arguement yesterday I said how when he has his own place and realises how hard it is to keep on top of it aswell as the kids too he said that at times he's managed to clean our house top to bottom within hours and still manage to take the kids to the park. I can't remember when this was. I can't remember him taking the kids to the park it must have been so long ago. I really need to sort out the kids room I put everything in bin bags the other day so I could sort a bag at a time and get their room tidy for them to play in. Every time I start something I just start crying because I can't see the point when this doesn't seem like home anymore it's hard to do something when everything seems so pointless when I've nothing to look forward to I feel everyone hates me and I'm so embarrassed.

He is totally gaslighting you. Its a very common tactic, to the point where often they end up believing their own lies.

He washed a few bloody pots, he didnt take on the entire running of the household and yet he has you believing that he is billy big bollocks and you are nothing!

You cant remember the house cleaning or the park trip because THEY DIDNT HAPPEN. But he needs you to believe they did because otherwise he cannot justify his shitty treatment of you. He gave you things instead of his love and his time, he knew you needed him to be there and he chose not to be. Thats not him trying at all, thats him being a selfish cunt who thinks that if he throws a few trinkets at you then you will crawl back into your box and shut up.

Stop listening to his shite. Stop believing his lies, because they are lies. Stop accepting his opinion of you as true.

Many of us can relate op you're not alone! 🤗

I'm so confused by all this. I don't want to deny that I'm to blame as it would make me worse surely if I put all the blame on him. I'm trying to think of all the things I could have done differently to help us be more equal as he says he has never felt that we have been equal and that he works long hours and comes home and starts again. I just know that I've not been doing nothing. On the nights that there has been pots to do or something then I know it's because I've had to say sod it to the pots to be able to get something more important done like after school clubs and and tea and things for the kids or if I have had to really clean and tidy and blitz the kids bedroom only for it to end up a bomb site again a few days later and I feel like it's Groundhog Day every single day. Why would he want to be with me I don't lead an exciting life I don't have a job becuase we said this is how it would be for us. I don't go out because I love staying in with wine and a takeaway and my feet up with a book or film as I haven't got the energy to get ready or find and buy an outfit. I suppose he has found me to be boring. And now I have bastard acne and look ridiculous...