Marriage ended an hour ago and now I feel like I'm going to die with hurt

[dearsomeone]

10 years gone just like that

I'm physically hurting and in so much pain how will I even face the next hour and day and how do I cope around the children

I feeling like disappearing this hurts so much

"I don't want to deny that I'm to blame as it would make me worse surely if I put all the blame on him."

The blame, if any, should go where its deserved, its not a chore that needs to be shared equally. If you cant think of anything you did wrong, then the likelihood is that you didnt do anything wrong. Dont drive yourself crazy trying to find things to blame yourself for if there arent any.

You are accepting the blame because he is convincing you that you should. You dont think you did anything wrong, because it doesnt sound like you did. He however is basically throwing a tantrum because he was expected to help out occasionally instead of being waited on hand and foot.

Do you think that he is tearing himself apart wondering what he could have done to save things? Of course he isnt! He doesnt need to when he can just convince you that it was all your fault and walk away.

Instead of focussing on blame, focus on respect. Respect yourself for all you have done and do, I know the feeling of Groundhog day. And demand respect from him. Stop lying down for him to walk all over, demand he treats you properly no matter what is happening with your marriage. You will probably find that he sees you with new eyes if you start standing up for yourself because the fact is that he wont respect you until you start respecting yourself.

You've got to realise that it's not your sole responsibility to have everything with the house and kids sorted and done.

Even though he works and you don't, it should still be a partnership. Why can't he have remembered to get your child's PE kit dry? Why can't he have helped with the wallpapering at the weekend? If you can't remember a time when he took the kids to the park, he's obviously not doing it much or at all.

You are feeling vulnerable because of PND and other mental health issues, he should be able to support and help you.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.
He's talking bullshit. He will quite happily let you take all the blame.
One of my best friends had to tell me to 'suck it up'. It hurt at the time but is so so true. You can't change how he feels and he may or may not decide your marriage is worth fighting for.
What you can do is make sure you look after yourself and your babies and realise your life is worth something with or without him.

This might be controversial but I'm not entirely convinced H is gaslighting the OP. If anything it sounds for the most part like the OP is beating herself up and blaming herself due to her low self esteem/depression. Yes the cause of her feelings may be her H, but equally may just be a symptom of the shock of having the rug suddenly pulled out from beneath her. OP mentioned her H had said she needs to face her demons so it sounds like there may have been a longer standing issue they've been facing in their relationship for a while now.

First things first OP, could your DPiL look after the kids for the weekend? Given they're aware of what you're going through I can't imagine they'd say no if you asked.

You mentioned your H keeps saying sorry/asking if you're ok and that you've just said you'll be fine. Have you actually spoken to him about wanting to fix the relationship since he suggested ending it?

Finally take care of yourself. I promise no matter how you feel right now you are much stronger than you think you are and you'll be surprised by how many people will offer up their love and support over the coming months if the worst does happens x

So it's all your fault for leaving post in the sink and telling him every day that you love him?

But yet he cheated on you and had an affair when you were pregnant, what does that tell you OP?

You really need to tell him to go; what he is doing is just cruel; if he wants out then he needs to bloody well piss off and leave you with some self respect; I'd suspect OW or his head has been turned; I doubt very much that this is all your fault and you need to stop taking the blame for HIS choices.

Hi OP a lot of what you've said in regards to housework and finding the time etc could have been me writing it!.

Today I had plans to sort the house out and all I got done was the washing up and make 2 phone calls, before I knew it , it was time to pick the kids up from school and nursery.
There's still implies of clothes that need sorting, toys all over my youngests bed, towels over the bathroom floor.
I'm just too tired and bored to sort it.

You sound like your self esteem is really very low, we've all been there xx

Wifeyfish I've not suggested us working through things yet since he said yesterday that we are too damaging for each other and he doesn't think we can come through it as I'm too terrified to do so. If I say to him that I want to fight and fix things I literally do not even want to contemplate how I will react if he says it isn't an option. I am laid here taking a minute at a time trying to get through the rest of today and to be honest when he comes home I'm scared of what he will say and scared what he will say will tip me over the edge. I desperately need to hear that he has not given up and that he wants to fight for us because I feel I'm losing my battle hour by hour. I can't even imagine living on my own with my kids waiting for him to come pick them up for his turn . I've not eaten since yesterday and I'm just here alone and feel so hurt. This is the worst thing I have ever felt in my life and I just don't know what to do

oh what a horrible time you're going through. I know it may not feel like it at the moment but things will get better. Maybe not right away but it will get better. Can you phone your counsellor? do they have an out of hours number?

If not and you can't think of anyone to talk to here's the Samaritans number: 116 123 www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

In the meantime you need to eat and drink something, even if you don't feel like it you need to eat something little. It will help you cope if you can do these.

You are strong, you've had depression and that's so tough to deal with and you've kept going. You've been going for counselling and that's not easy to do either. I know it's exhausting (and you don't need all of this to deal with too) but you are stronger than you think.

I'm so sorry, your posts are gut wrenching, dearsomeone. I completely agree with Pyong, you are being gas-lighted in a very calculated and determined way.

I read your post about what he said about his visit to his parents and what he told them... Firstly, you have no idea what he actually told them. Secondly, if what he's told you is true then it smacks of presenting himself in the best light to his parents. They love you too, he knows this and doesn't want to be painted as a 'bad man'. I wouldn't believe another word that comes out of his mouth.

Just remember that he is NOT your friend and he knows where this is going, you do not. A friend would not play this horrible game of cat and mouse with you. Refuse to engage and find your coldness towards this man, it will protect you now and you need that. He is not your protector or your partner any longer.

It's you and your children now - and whomever else is in your corner and only your corner. I feel so sad for you but I also know that you can and will get through this awful time, a minute at a time. Your life may not be the same again but who is to say that it won't be better or at least, just as good?

As for this, take the control of ending your marriage away from this man. Better an end with horror than a horror without end.

So the bastard had an affair while you were pregnant, and now wants to leave the family because of your faults. Really? YOUR faults? I'm not buying it.

If you want this prize specimen back, your best option now is to toughen up and do the exact oposite from his expectations. Tell him to move out. Tell him fine, he wants to be single, he's single, and that's his look out. Lawyer up. Wise up. Don't fgs talk about 'fighting for him'. Like he needs the ego boost? Glam up, go out with your friends and start rebuilding your confidence, independence and joie de vivre.

He'll hate it that you are happy and coping without him. He might also see that woman he fell in love with.

If he hasn't already emotionally left you I bet you any money he'll start to panic a bit about what he has thrown away. If he has, the only difference it will make is that you will have saved yourself months of miserable pining and stress over his actions, and will be well ahead in rebuilding your life.

Finally, get a job. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, but the structure and responsiblity will help rebuild your self esteem and the salary will start your financial independence. If childcare is an issue remember he has to share the costs of this as after all your being at home is the only reason he is free to have a career.

I've been there, it's so so painful, and sometimes out of dark comes a really bright ending

I've just got off the phone to the Samaritans as I felt desperation but then he came home so I can't speak to them right now.Il ring them again if I feel that bad again. I just feel numb and weak and I just really don't know. I'm feeling hated by everyone. The people who I thought would be there for me haven't contacted me at all and it really hurts. They know how bad I'm feeling right now and they all have shared things on Facebook this week like shared statuses saying that there is always someone listening and that they would stay up all night to listen to someone who felt suicidal. Now I feel more alone than ever.

He really needs to leave, dearsomeone. Tomorrow. He can take a few things that he needs and go to his parents. Ask him to leave. You can't even collect your thoughts whilst he's hovering about in your safe space. He must go.

He has NOT tried so hard. He couldn't even try hard enough to keep his penis in his pants when you were pregnant. He is a lying, manipulative bastard.

A relationship is a partnership. Why the fuck shouldn't he wash the bloody pans? You are his wife, not his housekeeper.

You are not to blame for this and your husband sounds like a complete shit. Even if this could be fixed, why would you - he has cheated on you, manipulated you and made you feel small.

I don't know, I don't see the gaslighting entirely on this one either - my partner is depressed and doesn't notice when I clean the house etc etc. I know the feeling of just being tired of being a caretaker, and being treated with the "I need you and I'd just kill myself without you, life isn't worth living" vibe.

Luckily he's started some new medication and there's been a bit of an turnaround in recent months, but I could see myself getting to this point too. And if at that point he just talked talked talked about getting counselling and changing but never did, I'd be steeling myself up for leaving too.

What medication are you on for your depression, can you up it? Can you talk to your GP about your suicidal thoughts?

(I agree that cheating is completely shit by the way, but one thing Mumsnet and life has taught me is that nothing is black and white, and without knowing more it's hard to write this partner off as just a narcissistic abuser or something.)

I can totally relate to how you feel dearsomeone my DH left me nearly 2 weeks ago now. I haven't felt strong enough yet to start my own post on here and discuss it. We don't have any children (bone of contention!) so I've only had to keep myself and our 2 dogs alive. We spent the whole Easter weekend rowing and then Tuesday after bank holiday he came home and said he needed some space so would be going to his parents. I convinced myself he'd come back the following weekend but 11 days later I'm not sure he is. I feel so helpless and the fact he won't speak to me is awful. Says he will when he's ready, no idea when that will be though. So until then I have to live in limbo land, I have also been suffering with depression but was honestly getting better but this has plunged me back into darkness. I have managed to escape to Spain for a few days with my Mum as she lives here but I have no idea what is going to happen when I get home or how long it will be till he speaks to me
My advice that was given to me by a friend is to divide the day up into 3 parts and set yourself mini goals then be proud of yourself for getting through them. I'm not going to lie it's been heartbreaking but each day I'm feeling a bit stronger when I get through it. Sorry sort of hi-jacked your thread with my own issues!

OP - please stop lilstening to him. He is talking shit,. with a side order of selfishness.

It is NOT about unwashed pots, but if it;s any help, my DH and i (SAHM) agreed that he works F/T, I work even longer with the kids. The housework, pots.cleaning and gardening etc is a THIRD job, which is shared. You already have a F/T job - the dc. Everything else, in an equal partnership, is a shared responsibilty. He needs to do his share, it's not all yours.

FGS, get angry! He is totally gas-lighting you - all your fault, all because you did/didn't ...... whatevedr he can come up with. He is not a fucking GOD. He is a total shit.

He had an affair - you forgave him, got past that, moved on - and you 'haven';t fought hard enough for him??? WHat the fuck does he want? In my world, the cheating turd would have been out then. Why wasn't he?

He is a shit. Don't let him do you down any more. You are worth so much more.

Get rid. You will be so much happier without this shit crushing you. It may hurt, but ripping the plaster off is more healing in the end.

yoomoo - of course you don't need to live inn limboland! Get on with your own life! Why the hell are you waiting for your P to deign to talk to you?

Fuck that. fuck him off. Take control - let him come after you; please do not do the 'pick me' dance. It;s demeaning and embarrassing.

You have a life. One life. Live it. You don't need him, to do it.

I know ptumbi you are of course totally right but it feels like my life is over. I feel like such a failure, we've only been married 18 months ☹️ I have asked him a couple of times to just talk to me now but he won't budge so I've given up. I came to Spain to try and live my life but it's all I can think about. I just want to know if my marriage is over or not, not too much to ask you wouldn't have thought! Arghh I hate myself for feeling like this!

Ok so take control. Decide - your marriage IS over. Tell him so - if he wants to talk about it, or save it, he knows where you are. Decide that as from today, unless you hear otherwise today, is the first day of your single-ness.

He is not in control of your life. You are.

You are a strong woman. You are MORE than just his appendage.

OP stop arsing about on MN and go and see a doctor.

I am so sorry . Take one step at a time and take great care of yourself.

Another one here OP who can relate to what you're going through. And it's so very true that he is gaslighting. He is manipulating you into believing his lies; that you are the one to blame for this situation. A lot of the things he is doing point to the fact that there is likely to be OW in the picture somewhere. But whatever the reason, you need space to get your head together. Think practically, and be strong. He needs to either be pro-active and fully commit to work towards saving your relationship, or go. Nothing in between. A gas lighter will hover in the middle as he will want to stay close enough to make him look like the good guy giving you hope (but really waiting for you to implode and chuck him out, making you the bad guy), but also he will keep the distance between you because he is emotionally withdrawing. It's hard OP, but just pull on all your strength to get through it, and don't be afraid to cry when you need to. Big hugs!

I've left ... we spoke and it's definitely over and now I'm just not knowing what to even do now.,

I just kept driving and I'm at someone's house now I'm safe and ok but just need to sleep and get through day number 3 tomorrow.... il have the kids and I'm just not sure how to function around them I'm like a zombie