Marriage ended an hour ago and now I feel like I'm going to die with hurt

[dearsomeone]

10 years gone just like that

I'm physically hurting and in so much pain how will I even face the next hour and day and how do I cope around the children

I feeling like disappearing this hurts so much

OP it's very easy for him to say you were not doing enough - a decent would have said at the time that he was feeling unloved. A scumbag says it afterwards, SO HE CAN BLAME YOU, who has/had no idea, and it's all news to you! And now you blame yourself, because you 'should have noticed'? There was nothing to notice - he is making it up. You are blaming yourself for not being a mindreader/time traveller!

He had an affair and blamed it on you.

He is not a decent man. He isn ot a good man. you are worth so much more, and will be better off without this lying cheating scum.

I spoke with my in laws today and cried and moaned and it was just awful. But they were so supportive and promised me I will always be part of their family and hopefully if me and dh get to a point where we are amicable enough to be around each other then there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to still spend time together as a family. They have said because of the kids I will always be a part of there family. I'm feeling a little better knowing that I think as it terrified me so much that I would lose them all I love them all so much. Dh came home and told me he was going to stay at his mums. He asked how I was and I said I was hurting a lot but I was trying my hardest to stay strong for the kids. He asked where I was last night and I just said I had to get away. We sat down together with our eldest who is almost 12 and told him together that we love him very much and that we are working through some issues at the moment and that none of this is his fault. He then gave him a cuddle and it's the first time I've actually seen them really cuddle and him hold him like that. I know that's something that has always always got me down him not showing him enough affection. He came over to give me a cuddle too and held me for ages. He then went upstairs to say night to the girls then left.
My ds came up to me and held me. He told me that everything was going to be ok and he was going to make sure to behave and help me out more. He kept saying he loves me and he is the man of the house now. I was crying uncontrollably and he just kept telling me I will be ok and this feeling won't last forever.
Me and ds and my 2 little girls are now all cuddled up in my bed with our dog at our feet. The dog isn't normally allowed upstairs nevermind on the bed but I feel I need to be surrounded by them all. They are excited to have a sleepover.

I haven't eaten since Thursday afternoon. I've probably had a bottle of water since then too. So tommorrow I plan to get out to get some food shopping before the shops close. I'm going to put a chicken in the slow cooker and buy some par baked baguettes. Then we will all have chicken and stuffing baguettes for tea.

I have slow cooker liners and that fills me with a little bit of joy that I don't have to wash it out afterwards. But apparently I don't fucking wash up anyway so it won't make a difference to me ....

Ok maybe a bit of anger and sarcasm has just cropped up.

I'm feeling a little bit better at the moment. I'm dreading completely the wave of hurt and pain that I know will still come and I don't know when it will happen.

I can't even describe how much you have all genuinely helped me. I can't reply to every post but please know every single one has helped me immensely. It's very comforting to know there are people checking in on my thread and making me feel empowered and stronger so much more than I would have done if I had no one to talk to.

I have been extremely close to not being able to control my thoughts and actions and my kids have saved me. But also all your support too and advise to ring the Samaritans which I have been doing.

God help me tommorrow please to get through another day. And the next and the next . This is so fucking hard and painful....

oh good so glad you're feeling a bit better. You've got this - you're going to be ok x

Keep going OP, one day at a time. Bless your DS!

That's good you have found a little bit of strength OP. Drink when you can and eat little and often.

I have slow cooker liners and that fills me with a little bit of joy that I don't have to wash it out afterwards. But apparently I don't fucking wash up anyway so it won't make a difference to me. Ok maybe a bit of anger and sarcasm has just cropped up.

Yay! Go OP! I see a spark! More of this, you're going to get through this...

Have you managed to eat anything today yet? I find if I haven't for a few days due to anxiety and stress it's really hard. But it makes everything worse if you stop eating, all your emotions are heightened and your body feels worse than ever, so make that a big priority today, just eating something.

Soft foods like mushy banana, soup, or French toast are good - even just tea with extra sugar. Anything that eases your throat and stomach back into swallowing food again.

OP

Your husband is abusive. He is a gaslighter. He changes the goalposts, he has affairs, he criticises you.

You say you had PND... I wonder, if you'd had proper support from your DH, whether this would have been the case?

Things will get better and the sun will come out, once you're shot of this man.

It's hit again this morning and I just can't get out of bed. I feel so alone and unloved. I can't think of any next steps.

said kindly get up and make a cup of tea with two sugars in it. Early morning is often the worst time. You got through yesterday and you will get through today too. Even if you feel like you won't.

OP

I have just read through the thread, you are amazing. Keep going, it's early days. You can do this

Your ds sounds a lovely boy!
Mornings and nights are the worst but it does get easier! Be kind to yourself

I can't I just can't is so painful and I feel awful saying this but I read through all these posts looking for hope of someone who felt the same as I do know and who have come out the other end and then I think there is no way that they could have loved their dh as much as I love mine and I can't imagine anyone else feeling this much hurt. I love him so much and I'm just not strong enough to do this I don't know where to turn

I think you are wrong dear someone. So so many of us have felt this way at some point, time and reality have got us through it. Along with wine and tea in many cases

You will get through today, then tomorrow, then the next, with your beautiful children and your dog by your side ...... and one thing I can promise you OP is that it WILL get better. I promise.

Slightly corny maybe but I've always found comfort in this in dark times:

EVERYTHING WILL BE OK IN THE END. IF IT'S NOT OK IT'S NOT THE END.

x

one step at a time hon, it's normal to feel crap, it's a crap situation you're in - but it will eventually lift. For the moment get through today, get out of bed, have breakfast, shower and if you don't do anything else today then that's a start. Small steps, keep going.

If you feel up to it later you can do those things you talked about in your earlier post, chicken baguette things for the kids?

Just for now just get out of bed and made yourself something to eat and drink. You need strength to get through this and you can do this.

So sorry you are going through this dear, your pain and distress just jumps off the page. It takes me back to when I don't with my XP 12 years ago. My god it was a horrible time. I nearly went under myself. I know it's hard.

But, I'm still here and you will be too.

For now, just do what you can to get through the day. One step at a time, one minute at a time, if you have to. But first, get up and get yourself a drink. I'm sure if you asked your DS, who sounds like a lovely lad, he'd get you one. And try to eat something, even if it's just a piece of fruit.

*when I split with...

Just take one step at a time and you will get there.

I second the poster above who suggested breaking the day into parts and setting yourself mini goals in those times-it always feels good to achieve. Your son sounds amazing, so you must be an amazing mother to bring him up to be that kind and thoughtful.

Be good to yourself,x

Come on now, climb out of bed and have a drink l of water even if you can't manage to make yourself a cup of tea.

At the risk of being scolded by everyone else, I wasn't touched by your sons behaviour, I was worried about it, especially if it continues. It's not good at all that your son is having to comfort you like he's the parent at a time when his world's being torn apart.

Your children urgently need you to put on a semblance of normal and seek help from elsewhere. This is a formative experience for them too.

If you physically can't do that right this second in time, can you get them to their grandparents or something and focus on your own needs while you get out of this slump?

Haven't seen the old MN mantra for a while, but it helped my DD tremendously recently.

'This too shall pass'.

This terrible raw pain will ease, you just have to keep going as best you can until it does. Your children need you to cope, even if it just looks as though you are. Go through the motions a day at a time. You will survive this, one day life will be alright again. xxx.

I agree with grey I'm sorry. I have been there, it is truly awful but you do get over it, really you do.
But you need to focus on your DC.

GreyishBlue is exactly right - I read that bit about him cuddling you and being the 'man of the house' and 'being good' with tears in my eyes. He's 12, ffs, he needs to be looked after in his childhood just as much as he did a week ago! He doesn't and shouldn't need to be responsible for your feelings, DearSomeone. Please don't expect him to step up and become adult. He's only 12. That is YOUR JOB!. I really dont mean to be harsh, and I know you are hurting, but your dc should be coming first.

The statement about how you wanted the dc to hug xH more - says volumes about how they feel about him. You cannot force love from a child, and if a child is not showing as much love to his father as you would like, you need to wonder why. Maybe dad is not actually worthy of many of his hugs? Maybe xH is a crappy a father as he is a husband?

Please take off the rose-tinted glasses, and see this creep as he is. A cheating lying blaming creep.

Dont lie in bed - you are their mother. Be the parent who stays. the one who is there for the dc, not the one who is so caught up in her own pain that she is ignoring their needs.