Marriage ended an hour ago and now I feel like I'm going to die with hurt

[dearsomeone]

10 years gone just like that

I'm physically hurting and in so much pain how will I even face the next hour and day and how do I cope around the children

I feeling like disappearing this hurts so much

I sincerely hope that you have left just to allow him time to pack and fuck off. There is no way that you should have to try and house you and the kids with no job while he gets to sit pretty in a house that is half yours!

Get yourself to a shit hot lawyer asap, knowledge is power and knowing your position will help settle your thoughts.

No I just walked out I don't know why and I don't know what I'm going to do now. I can't even think straight. I'm just devastated I'm heartbroken. The pain is too much

The pain is bad, OP, but it is not too much - you have children to look after. They cannot lose you and be left with him permanently and his OW

Be strong. The pain will pass, and I for one hope you replace it soon with anger. HE has broken your family. HE has blamed you for it. HE has broken it before and blamed you for it. HE has mostly likely, got an OW.

Get angry. And get legal.

Where are your children right now - at home with DH? I would go back home and ask him to leave. Your children need to be with you, at home, carrying on with their lives as normal. Your DH needs some time out to reflect/sort himself out.
From everything you've written, your situation sounds so similar to mine. We spent a few weeks living apart (although saw him in some capacity most days because of the kids) and then things settled down and we are working through everything with counselling. My DH has a long way to go in sorting out his mental health. He made me feel so guilty and he totally zapped all my confidence - then I realised he was just projecting his insecurities on to me. He needed someone to blame. I could be wrong, but this might be what's happening in your relationship.
The sensible thing to do right now is to try and improve your confidence and independence - but I totally get that you feel awful and at rock bottom.
Don't do anything rashly. Confide in a couple of good friends and hopefully they will help you (they will understand your situation better than any of us on Mumsnet).

I know I've done things wrong though and when I think of anything he's done wrong there always seems to be a valid reason. I love his family so much and I'm terrified of feeling the rejection from them too I don't think I could handle it. I feel like it's so cruel because the pain it won't go away and I've never thought so much about ending things before now but my children will hurt because of that. But then will it be a competition for the rest of my life with him. I can't bear thinking about him with someone else with or children

What have you done wrong and what have you tried to do to fix them?

He's had an affair before. He's messing with your head. This is classic cheater behaviour. His confusion, saying (in a roundabout way) I love you but not in love with you. Depression - absolute bollocks. He's hedging his bets. Please make him leave. You will get through it. And don't let him do this to you ever again.

Have you said to him you want to kill yourself because he's leaving you?

You need to go home OP - be with your children and your ex needs to leave the house and sort himself out somewhere else.

You need to go and see your GP and share how you feel.

Baby steps but, and I know this is going to sound harsh but I mean it kindly, you need to get on top of yourself now. Start to take back some control. Come on, you can do this. Go home, get him out, shower, eat, make doctor's appointment.

Did he have a valid reason for sleeping with someone else? I bet that was your fault too Does he have a valid reason for breaking up your family?

It Is Not Your Fault. It's his, you could have broken up a long time ago.

Don't worry about 'rejection' from his family - I split from Exh a long time ago and still see my MIL. She still calls me her daughter, even tho Exh is getting married this year. I don't confide in her, and neither should you, but she is still my 'family', as in my dc grandmother. So is your InLaw family. Sort that out later.

Think sbout him/someone new later.

For now - you are ENTITLED to stay in the house with the dc. HE needs to go.

Come on DearSOmeone. You have kids who need you - he doesn't. You need to sort their home.

AND THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Please please stop taking the blame.

Please don't think about the future right now.
Take one day or hour at a time.
Make sure you go back to your home and don't worry right now about the in-laws.

I feel it's my fault because I didn't do enough. We didn't do enough together and I made him feel unappreciated and unhappy. Unwanted and unloved. But I never thought it was as bad as that and if I've not noticed my behaviour then it is my fault. The last few weeks I've tried so hard to get on top of things and be a better wife to him. The only thing holding me back was not knowing if I was doing it all and it still not helping. Feeling like I was wasting my time and mental energy to try stay right for us. This last week has been a lot better but then I felt so abandoned and pushed aside when he said he was going to his friends house for drinks and would get a taxi home . I felt he was choosing to spend his time with his friend rather than me and the kids and I got upset. I wanted some clarification as to wether he wanted us or not and to be honest I thought he was going to say he did after the time we've had this last week. I wanted to tell him that if he is willing to fight and work with me that I would too but we needed to do it together. He said he didn't know what he wanted especially as he felt he was coming home to me giving him an ultimatum. I asked if he was willing to go to marriage councilling before we sign the divorce papers and he said he doesn't think it would help. Ive got to pick up the kids today and I just want to hold them and cuddle them and at the same time I feel like I'm causing them hurt too and eventually I will push them away. I just can't believe I'm losing everything. The pain isn't controllable and it's scary because it's not controllable. It comes in waves and hits me hard and I feel I'm getting weaker.

Yes. It's all your fault. You shoved his penis into someone else's vagina.

The fact you can even consider it to be all your fault is a sign of just how manipulative he is. Your children need you - stop chasing after the idea of him, and start considering that the real him isn't the person you thought.

Have you family who could step in and take the kids today on your behalf, dearsomeone? Do the heavy lifting for a bit?

The reason for the breakup is neither here nor there at this point because you're just accepting all of the blame and whatever your husband is telling you. I promise you that however much you feel like taking the blame at the moment, you won't feel like that when your body and brain starts to recover and rationalise what is happening here. I would park all of that for now.

What you need to do now is sort out stability for your children and get your husband out of the house. You need to go back and tell him to go. He wants out - so he can go. Not you. Have a cry at your friend's house and then go back.

It's Saturday, I know it's bank holiday but there are possibly still some outlets for information on how to move forward available to you. There is some good advice pinned to the top of the relationships board too.

For now, your children have absolutely priority and because of that, so do you as you will be looking after them. Your husband can go to his parents and have the children there to see them.

You can do this, go through the motions, step by step.

Can you friend go with you to your house for moral support whilst you tell your husband to leave?

Does your dh know where you are op?

"I feel it's my fault because I didn't do enough. We didn't do enough together and I made him feel unappreciated and unhappy. Unwanted and unloved."

You see, this is possible, especially if you've been depressed a lot, but do you really think it's true? What did you actually do in terms of actions? (Did you perhaps ignore him a lot? Talk over him? Ignore his ideas? Mock him? Never suggest going out? Never offer or respond to affection? Glue yourself to your phone 24/7 or something instead of noticing him? That sort of stuff?)

Or is this just a guilty "it's all my fault, I should have been more of a saint - even though deep down I know damn well I did everything I could" reflex?

Because if it's the former, then there is hope of fixing the relationship (assuming you even want to with someone who's cheated on you). Medication, counselling, tackling depression, re-finding yourself and reconnecting is all eventually possible.

If it's the latter, then yes, it's more down to him being a jerk.

Either way, you WILL get through this and the chances are you'll be happier once the headfuck of this time is over.

However Lying is probably right and all this is neither here nor there right now. This stuff can come with time and counselling and I hope you do get some.

One practical idea today that helps me during severe anxiety times: keep counting to ten. All you ever have to do at any time is get through the next 10 seconds, nothing more than that.

If you can, focus on your breathing and the word "blue" or something, really picture it as you count in and out (in 1 out 2 in 3 out 4 etc, up to 10 and back to 1 again).

How awful for you all op.
As poster above has said when you can feel yourself getting teally stressed try breathing slowly and counting to three in your mind to give you time to calm down and gather your thoughts.

Sorry your feeling like this but don't be blaming yourself for everything.
The fact that you stayed together when pregnant after he had an affair is a big ask of him to do and no marriage is all flowers and clean floors 24/7 but you will need to sit calmly when your feeling stronger and talk about where you go from here.

Don't blame yourself.
If a split does happen remember your children will have a different life to your planned one but it won't be a ruined life for them or you.
It will be a new life you will build and become stronger.
I'm not surprised you feel like you do. Your in shock as life as you've known has changed forever which takes some time to process

Be kind to yourself

You sound like me three years ago OP. You are not to blame - he wants you to feel like this to make it easier for him to leave. He will tell everyone that you have made his life hell and you are saying that you did. He is a narcissist.
I had counselling and the wisest thing she said was that I had to stop blaming myself for his actions, to stop looking for what I did to make him act in a specific way. To accept that it was his choice to isolate you from the decision and not consider you.
I feel for you OP. Please pm me if you want

Oh OP - you poor, poor thing .

Your pain leaps from the page but I'm afraid I agree with many other posters - there's an OW but he will happily destroy your mental health to ensure he can justify publicly his fabricated reasons for not being with you. What a cunt he is! I've been there, done that - I was in such pain that I ended up lying prostrate on the floor of the GP's office .

You could become Mrs Beeton and the Blessed Virgin Mary combined and you would still not be good enough, still not 'fought hard enough'. He is dreadful OP - all of us reading this can see so clearly his gas-lighting and manipulation. He is a complete cliche.

Go back to YOUR home, tell him to fuck off to his parents' and get icy cold with him. Your pain will fall on a stoney heart, OP - he will mouth the platitudes but he is way ahead of you and no longer cares. It is agonising but the faster you recognise that, the faster you will regain control and end his string-pulling. No man is worth your children's lifelong grief and no man is worthy of your prostrating yourself on the altar of his ego.

Try and breathe, try and see this through the prism of a third party - try and see what this cunt is doing to you and your children. I know how agonising it is so make an urgent appointment with your Dr or if you are in crisis go to A&E. AD's from the GP were literally a life-saver for me. We are all here for you and I promise the pain does diminish, although I won't deny that it can take a very long time to do so.

As for an OW, he will deny and deny but his script is word-perfect. What a cruel shit he is.

Have you said to him you want to kill yourself because he's leaving you?

Please don't. He's unlikely to come back because of it, will be horrible if he does come back, and the most likely result is that he'll say 'go on then'.

He's being utterly selfish, and having decided that he wants out, there is literally nothing you could do to get him back. You could be the whore in the bedroom, chef in the kitchen, Kim and Aggie in the cleaning department, a Bear Grylls clone for adventures and the biggest party animal since the entire cast of TOWIE - he'd still make it your fault.

Allow yourself time to lick your wounds. I know you feel like it's impossible, but you DO have the strength to get through this. And it will be there when you need it most.

Oh no no I've never told him that I want to kill myself! I'd never use any kind of emotional blackmail to try make him stay. Although I do worry that he will get to that point and it's scares me to death. He's never told me that he wants to kill himself but has said he feels that low that he's had dark enough thoughts. That's how much he must have been finding it difficult to tell me it's over I don't know. I asked him again if there was someone else or has been and he said no again. I would just lose it if I found out there was someone else in our marriage. I can't even imagine being able to see him wth someone else especially around our children and them telling me how nice she is how does anyone even cope with that?

What do I tell the kids how do I even explain? Do I tell them today? They will see me upset and there's only so much I can lie about surely. I don't even know where to start.

Stop worrying about whether he will Kill himself or not - he is manipulating you and making you feel his guilt.
Do something today with the kids, make it a good day. Just tell them daddy has gone away for a few days?

I feel it's my fault because I didn't do enough. We didn't do enough together and I made him feel unappreciated and unhappy. Unwanted and unloved. But I never thought it was as bad as that and if I've not noticed my behaviour then it is my fault. - you see, OP it is very easy for him to say 'you didn't do enough for me', because how much is enough? You will never know - he doesn't have a gauge on the side like a petrol gauge! He can easily say it, regardless of how much you have actually done for him, because he will only see it from his side. You will never do enough. You wil never be all things to him. It's impossible, especially if he is (as I suspect) abusive and WANTS you to be on the back foot, second guessing his requirements, pandering to him in all things.
I think you'll find he has checked out of the marriage anyway, and is using that line to jsutify it. You can have oiled every inch of him, epeeled grapes for him, given BJs every five minutes and he can still say you didn't do enough. Because it's easy for him to say, and easy to blame you.

ANd anyway - what did he do for YOU? You are so busy blaming yourself for 'failing' his needs - what about yours! You are imortant, and should be as important to him as he is to you, but I suspect you are not. Did he make you feel loved and wanted all the time? Appreciate you? I BET he didn't ! I bet he went on his merry way, expecting you to fucking fall at his feet and lick his shoes in appreciation of his godliness, but didn't feel in any way obliged to throw more than a few crumbs of niceness to you.

FGS he is a scum. Concentrate on your beautiful children - they are what's important.

I 100% guarantee that he's either already cheated or is planning to cheat. He's made up all sorts of justifications in his head for his behaviour - he isn't in love with you, he feels trapped, etc. He's angry at you for challenging his bullshit because he has to face the fact that actually he's a turd.

I know it's deeply unpopular to say this on mumsnet, and it may well be the case, but no one online can "absolutely guarantee" he's cheated or is about to. Please don't torture yourself just now with images of him and someone else, that won't help you. And even if one day your children do meet a new woman, you will ALWAYS be their mum; no one else can ever take that from you or them.

I'm glad you're not emotionally blackmailing him, the way you wrote things here made me think you might have, and that wouldn't have helped either of you. However, how are you feeling now, do you still feel like ending your life? (If so and your GP is closed, as someone else has mentioned, A&E are available.)

In terms of telling the kids - if it were me and if it were possible, I'd insist on telling them together and getting your plans and details straight first. That might take you a week or two to get to. When you do, present a united front explaining you're splitting up, it's not their fault, here's what's going to happen right now and so on. Listen and answer any of their questions as directly as possible, leaving them with no confusion.