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Original poster

dh very unhappy due to lack of sex.....

241 replies

americantrish · 12/03/2007 13:54

i'll try to keep this short... me and dh were separated from late september to late december last year. we have one child, ds is 3 in june. when i first moved back in, as to be expected, things were really good, sex included.

but now, i'm back a bit over 2 months and things are slowly feeling like they did before i left (on the sex front.)

(i should also say, we are in marriage counselling for about 6 weeks now and last week was the first week we touched on the topic of sex.)

dh has always had a higher sex drive then myself. and especially after having ds, my sex drive took a nosedive. and now, ds often doesnt nap during the day (he is today though! luckily!), wakes at 5.30am and by the time he's in bed at 7 or 7.30pm, i am knackered. and by the time i'm in bed at/around 10-10.30, sex is the last thing on my mind. dh tells me 'i'm tired all the time anyway' and that he does things he doesn't want to. (which i dont like how that implied i should have sex when i dont want to.)

a mistake i made in the past was having sex when i didn't want to. and as a result, i ended up in a state of self-loathing. one i wont allow myself to get back to.

i suggested to dh last night after he told me he was sick of being turned down for sex that we should sit down and have an open talk about sex and things associated with it. he assumes i know he wants to have sex when he rolls over and puts his leg over me! to me, that isn't a come-on!!
(i'm secretly afraid of having this talk! but there is SO much dh does sexually that i don't like.. i know i am hurting both of us (even if not openly) by NOT talking about these issues.)

i'm sick of feeling like this is only ME. (dh made a comment last night that "other couples go to bed and have sex".) sigh. he doesnt realise how badly those comments hurt. (to save having a row, i kept quiet about it.)

i need to have a backbone about this and tell him that if he just needs to get off, to go into the study, close the door and do this own thing. i'll leave him alone and not say a word about it afterwards. (porn used to be a very touchy subject for us, its not been brought up since we've reconciled.)

i guess i just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like its been suffocating me all morning. (sorry this was longer than i planned. thank you if you take the time to read it. or even skim it.)

OP posts:
crispyduck · 12/03/2007 13:58

Your not the only one with lack of libido...I have felt like this since ds2 was born...16 months and trust me other couples don't always have sex

crispyduck · 12/03/2007 13:59

You don't have to answer this but why did you leave...

BlueDaisy · 12/03/2007 13:59

You know that you have to do 'the talk'. How are things apart from the sex issue? Is he making you feel loved, special and appreciated? Or are there other problems?

This problem certainly isn't one sided. He needs a crash course in the art of seduction.

I think it is really hard to be a mum to young kids and feel up for sex after looking after LO's all day. All you want to do is chill out and then go to bed.

Perhaps a weekend away might help.

Why did you seperate, if you don't mind me asking?

Enid · 12/03/2007 14:01

oh it is SO alluring when men tell you 'waht other couples do' as if they know

tbh sounds like you have a lot of unresolved 'issues'?

Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:01

crispyduck> i left because i was sick of being treated horribly and being called names. it was NOT a peaceful separation. (only was it in late november did we start being decently civil to one another.)

(i came back to give it another go because i felt (and do still feel) he's changed (he's not been verbally abusive to me at all since i've been back.).)

OP posts:
Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:02

enid> there are many issues still to be dealt with in counselling. we dont have it this week so it wont come up again til next week i am really looking forward to that session. a lot of the issues around sex too, are mine. (i.e.-body image, etc.)

OP posts:
Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:05

bluedaisy> sometimes we try to make the other one feel appreciated. but to answer your question. no, he doesn't. i feel i'm just here to clean, raise our son and cook (which i'm not even good at!)

he has only had one partner before me. and i think she just put up with a lot of his come-on's. and even though i've been with him for 4 years (even with our separation) - i've put up with it too. and i can't anymore. :I

i'd love a weekend away sans ds. but no one to watch ds. not to mention, its wouldnt be in the budget at this moment anyway with me not working

i answered below to crispyduck why i left (just to save not typing it out again )

OP posts:
crispyduck · 12/03/2007 14:06

I am happy for you that the issue has been resolved being the reason why you left...it sounds like he has changed, maybe you need some encouragement...when he gets in from work...omg I can't believe I am saying this but jump on him

BlueDaisy · 12/03/2007 14:07

AT - he MUST understand that the way he has treated you previously has affected the way you are now. I bet you are still really hurt by the way he has treated you in the past and of course that is going to manifest itself somewhere.

He needs to realise that you need time to get over the way he has previously treated you. He so so so needs to back off and give it time. The more he pressures you or makes you feel bad, the more you are going to run in the opposite direction.

to your dh.

Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:08

-grins- i would jump on him, but he woke up with a sore neck this morning! i may hurt him more!!

OP posts:
Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:11

bluedaisy> i dont know how much of how he treated me he owns up too. all he has said to me is that he didnt treat me as good as he should of (but then says that i wasnt a perfect wife either...) - its an issue yet to come up in counselling.

i think you are right. the stress of the past is manifesting itself. i don't feel emotionally close to him sometimes, so i don't want to have sex.

sigh. you hit the nail on the head. the more he pushes it. the more i want to run. i wish we had counselling this week (counsellor had to cancel our session.)

OP posts:
BlueDaisy · 12/03/2007 14:12

And its that porn thing again.

You don't want sex so he uses porn.

He uses porn and (I'm assuming) find that in itself a turn off.

He keep on at you for sex to the point where you would rather he went upstairs and had a wank.

Its a difficult situatuion, but its great that you are in counselling, because I think it is def something that can be worked at and sorted out in the end.

BlueDaisy · 12/03/2007 14:13
  • assume you find his porn a turn off , I meant
Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:17

:nods: i didnt mind porn when we first got together, but i was SO much more confident about my body and my sexual side. it became a sore spot for us once ds was born. he hasnt used porn (that i know of) since i've moved back in. ...

i hope we can sort it out. i really do. i'm sick of rowing over sex..

counselling has been great... we both wish we would have went last year at this time..i probably wouldnt have left if we had.

OP posts:
BlueDaisy · 12/03/2007 14:20

So if it weren't for the sex thing would things be great now?

Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:25

honestly, no.

OP posts:
ohsmellyjelly · 12/03/2007 14:26

Message withdrawn

Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:27

our counsellor said something similar about how women (well majority of) need to feel something emotional, a closeness to want to have sex with their partners.
how we meet in the middle? thru understanding and communication; two things me and dh need to continue to work on if we're to make it.

OP posts:
ohsmellyjelly · 12/03/2007 14:28

Message withdrawn

BlueDaisy · 12/03/2007 14:28

So things in general are pretty shit. Do you think you made the wrong decision in moving back with him?

Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:30

ohsmellyjelly> yes, when i feel pressured to have sex, i dont want it at all.

bluedaisy> i probably wouldnt say things are shit, as most days, we get along, don't row. we dont have an emotional bond (outside of ds) and i think that bothers me more than him i dont regret coming back. and i pray i never do...

OP posts:
lazyanna · 12/03/2007 14:31

no relationship needs sex - the sooner your DH learns this, the better.

BlueDaisy · 12/03/2007 14:34

Sorry, wasn't fair to ask you that really.

He needs to understand what the counsellor is saying. Perhaps when you both can communicate more, you will feel closer and more 'up for it'. But its going to take a long time isn't it. Perhaps you should spell it out to your dh. Hes hurt you in the past, you don't feel emotionally close enough to hin to have sex at the moment, and it gonna take a long time to put that right.

in other words, what does he want more - a relationship with you again, or having sex with you that is basically going to repulse you (I'm assuming) because its not what you want at the moment?

for you americantrish

Original poster
americantrish · 12/03/2007 14:34

with my dh, a marriage without sex is just a plutonic friendship :I (which i dont really agree with, as we didnt have much sex while i was REALLY pregnant, but i guess it was more understandable then!)

OP posts:
ohsmellyjelly · 12/03/2007 14:34

Message withdrawn

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