dh very unhappy due to lack of sex.....

[americantrish]

i'll try to keep this short... me and dh were separated from late september to late december last year. we have one child, ds is 3 in june. when i first moved back in, as to be expected, things were really good, sex included.

but now, i'm back a bit over 2 months and things are slowly feeling like they did before i left (on the sex front.)

(i should also say, we are in marriage counselling for about 6 weeks now and last week was the first week we touched on the topic of sex.)

dh has always had a higher sex drive then myself. and especially after having ds, my sex drive took a nosedive. and now, ds often doesnt nap during the day (he is today though! luckily!), wakes at 5.30am and by the time he's in bed at 7 or 7.30pm, i am knackered. and by the time i'm in bed at/around 10-10.30, sex is the last thing on my mind. dh tells me 'i'm tired all the time anyway' and that he does things he doesn't want to. (which i dont like how that implied i should have sex when i dont want to.)

a mistake i made in the past was having sex when i didn't want to. and as a result, i ended up in a state of self-loathing. one i wont allow myself to get back to.

i suggested to dh last night after he told me he was sick of being turned down for sex that we should sit down and have an open talk about sex and things associated with it. he assumes i know he wants to have sex when he rolls over and puts his leg over me! to me, that isn't a come-on!!
(i'm secretly afraid of having this talk! but there is SO much dh does sexually that i don't like.. i know i am hurting both of us (even if not openly) by NOT talking about these issues.)

i'm sick of feeling like this is only ME. (dh made a comment last night that "other couples go to bed and have sex".) sigh. he doesnt realise how badly those comments hurt. (to save having a row, i kept quiet about it.)

i need to have a backbone about this and tell him that if he just needs to get off, to go into the study, close the door and do this own thing. i'll leave him alone and not say a word about it afterwards. (porn used to be a very touchy subject for us, its not been brought up since we've reconciled.)

i guess i just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like its been suffocating me all morning. (sorry this was longer than i planned. thank you if you take the time to read it. or even skim it.)

Don't agree with LazyAnna - I do think that sex is part of a healthy relationship, but other things get in the way of that i.e how he has treated AT in the past.

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Yes. But I guess that there are plenty of other ways that don't involve sex that can make a couple close than 'friends'. eg massages (tho hard for a man to do without getting sex involved ime) cuddles, kisses, etc.

bluedaisy> no worries. i dont mind that you asked. i think he does need to understand more of what the counsellor is saying, i think when the counsellor says something that validates what i am saying, especially about the sex issue, dh doesnt like it. he knows i dont feel particularly close to him, but he doesnt see that as valid enough to put our sex life on hold. (tbh, we only have actual sex twice a week, maybe 3 times!)

i think, to answer your question, he wants both. and i don't think he will understand (as i would like him too) that at this point in our relationship and how its healing, he can't have both as he would like them. (but then again, maybe neither can i, as i want more emotional closeness and not so much physical...)

ohsmellyjelly> agreed. definitely. if i dont want to, its just a cold, vacant experience for me. (good you are in counselling too!)

Sorry went off to do a silly chore.Is the past still an issue AT.

i agree that sex has to be part of a healthy relationship. its the best way sometimes to feel loved, close, satisfied on so many levels

our counsellor suggested me and dh try to have more sensual nights. no sex, just touching and seeing what we like. but i dont know if i could do this (i know dh would want to have sex or at least get off afterwards) or if he could without turning it into full-on sex. perhaps i should be more positive about this i ache for massages most days, but i wont ask for one because i dont want to have sex afterwards (or other things!)

sigh...at least the sun's out today and ds did have a nap!

Twice a week! How often does he want it then!?! I

God, he should be thanking his lucky stars! Cheeky bugger!

For those occassions are you in the mood for it, or is it just to shut him up for a few days?

crispyduck> the past is still an issue, but its not really talked about. as i think we are both waiting to discuss it in counselling. because its a topic that we would row over :I

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:laughs: i think he'd be happy with 5 to 7 times a week. or as much as he could get! when we have sex now, its when i want to as well, even if just a little bit and not with full-on passionate rage! i dont have sex to shut him up anymore. and he knows this now (as i made it quite clear at our counselling session last week.) in the past, we had sex more often, but that was mostly because i wanted to keep the peace. (i secretly think he'd be happier if i had sex when i didn't want to even though he now knows the amount of mental damage it did to me.)

Am going out now, but will pop in on thread later.

Ask him for a massage later with a strict no shagging after rule, and see what he says.

xx

at twice a week

we do, on average, have sex twice a week, yes.

Also am going AT, going to pick dd up from school..Good luck speak soon x

thanks for listening bluedaisy... good idea about asking him for that..

i'm gonna take ds swimming... and will also check back in later...

xx ladies

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thanks crispyduck xx

twice a week

If you're having counselling, then him expecting to have lots of sex is unrealistic.

Any bloke should realise that sex is one of the first things to go when a relationship hits troubles.

His hamfisted attempts to get you going aren't helping. Yes, you do need to tell him. If he starts getting arsey about it, don't rise to him, just let him huff and puff. The counselling is a good idea and hopefully you can work a way forward.

thanks happydaddy> (nice to see a man weigh in on this topic!!) i think he is expecting more than twice a week. i honestly have no idea what his ideal amount of sex per week is!
i've been avoiding the whole sex talk for years. mainly because i didnt want to row over it. but its got to be done. he most likely will take what i will say to him as insults and criticisms.
i'm still hopeful with the counselling..i just hope next weeks session can continue on the topic of sex as its our biggest stumbling block now :I

Bl**dy hell, with small children twice a week is loads. I think before this pg we managed once every 10 days or so and thought that was good going.

AT just looked at your profile you must live very very close to me as we both have me15 postcodes!!!!

Twice a week??!

We're lucky if it's twice a month!

berolina> i wish dh saw it that way. i don't think he fully understands how tiring looking after a toddler is.

i dread to think how it will be when i go back to work (as i'm looking), since i won't be looking after ds as much, i probably wont be able to be tired as much :I

ellie> heh where abouts are you in M/S? (we're just near mote park off the A229 )

becauseimworthit> i'd rather it be twice a month and be completely mindblowing than twice a week when i'm left feeling unsatisfied (*but knowing dh as i do, he would NEVER go for twice a month. never.)

I'm inbetween town centre and east farleigh dont like to give to much info away on line but certainly very close to you, there a few others from maidstone on here