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Original poster

dh very unhappy due to lack of sex.....

241 replies

americantrish · 12/03/2007 13:54

i'll try to keep this short... me and dh were separated from late september to late december last year. we have one child, ds is 3 in june. when i first moved back in, as to be expected, things were really good, sex included.

but now, i'm back a bit over 2 months and things are slowly feeling like they did before i left (on the sex front.)

(i should also say, we are in marriage counselling for about 6 weeks now and last week was the first week we touched on the topic of sex.)

dh has always had a higher sex drive then myself. and especially after having ds, my sex drive took a nosedive. and now, ds often doesnt nap during the day (he is today though! luckily!), wakes at 5.30am and by the time he's in bed at 7 or 7.30pm, i am knackered. and by the time i'm in bed at/around 10-10.30, sex is the last thing on my mind. dh tells me 'i'm tired all the time anyway' and that he does things he doesn't want to. (which i dont like how that implied i should have sex when i dont want to.)

a mistake i made in the past was having sex when i didn't want to. and as a result, i ended up in a state of self-loathing. one i wont allow myself to get back to.

i suggested to dh last night after he told me he was sick of being turned down for sex that we should sit down and have an open talk about sex and things associated with it. he assumes i know he wants to have sex when he rolls over and puts his leg over me! to me, that isn't a come-on!!
(i'm secretly afraid of having this talk! but there is SO much dh does sexually that i don't like.. i know i am hurting both of us (even if not openly) by NOT talking about these issues.)

i'm sick of feeling like this is only ME. (dh made a comment last night that "other couples go to bed and have sex".) sigh. he doesnt realise how badly those comments hurt. (to save having a row, i kept quiet about it.)

i need to have a backbone about this and tell him that if he just needs to get off, to go into the study, close the door and do this own thing. i'll leave him alone and not say a word about it afterwards. (porn used to be a very touchy subject for us, its not been brought up since we've reconciled.)

i guess i just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like its been suffocating me all morning. (sorry this was longer than i planned. thank you if you take the time to read it. or even skim it.)

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 11:21

Xenia - I completely agree with your point about married women not realising how important sex is to men.

And therefore, they had better set their minds to learning to enjoy sex if they don't already... lots of things in life are an acquired taste, great lovers are made not born and there are far worse things in life to practise...

Judy1234 · 21/03/2007 11:26

With mothers it's often that they're just too exhausted and they can't afford help, cleaners etc So it's hard to find immediate solutions. It's those who don't see it as a problem when their husband do that I think need to address it (not the poster on this thread of course).

Anyway at least you all have men. Count your blessings.

Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 11:33

Completely agree about exhaustion. Men also need to understand that women need to feel good about themselves, nurtured, rested, loved and cherished to want to make love.

Far too many men treat their wives like skivvies and can't then expect them to feel sexy and loving towards them.

Original poster
americantrish · 21/03/2007 12:04

anna> thats one thing our counsellor brought up at our last session when we were talking about this issue, she asked my husband if he made me feel cherished. he never really answered the question...

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 12:11

americantrish - ah, glad you seem to be on the right track with your counsellor. And I hope that she is very talented at getting men to see the female point of view...

Original poster
americantrish · 21/03/2007 12:15

she does get thru to him, even if it takes asking him a few times. im not too hopeful for tonights session only because im a bit sick and very tired

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 12:18

americantrish - can you take some time to relax before tonight's session? Have a bath, do hair and make-up, put on your sexiest clothes? Feel your most womanly and powerful?

If your day is completely chock-a-block I'm very sorry for making silly suggestions...

Original poster
americantrish · 21/03/2007 12:20

oh no worries..... its just we get ds off to bed, babysitter comes, we leave pretty much. no time to really get ready. :I i was hoping ds would have had a nap today so i could have slept too, but todays one of those days when he doesnt want a nap :I

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 12:24

Could you take a bath this afternoon with your son? I do that with my daughter when I want to relax, we have a good play, it relaxes her and me and she often goes to sleep afterwards... so I can do my hair, waxing or whatever....

Original poster
americantrish · 21/03/2007 12:26

maybe we'll do that when we get from going into town for a bit... at least it'll be sometime to kill some time too!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 12:29

Well, anything you do that relaxes you and makes you feel great about yourself gets my full support... Counselling is so valuable that you mustn't miss your chances and you're really lucky that your man cooperates - lots of my girlfriends would love to get their men to a counsellor but meet with point blank refusal...

Original poster
americantrish · 21/03/2007 12:34

dh knows what a valuable tool counselling can be..and you're right, i'm lucky in that respect (thanks for pointing this out!) as silly as it may sound i usually wear my knee high boots under jeans to counselling as just wearing them, i feel a bit better. (silly logic!)

time to get me and ds ready and walk to town... thanks again anna

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 12:51

well, you could wear them with a dress or a skirt... and some sexy underwear... good luck, look forward to hearing how it goes

lazyanna · 21/03/2007 15:31

"And therefore, they had better set their minds to learning to enjoy sex if they don't already."

why, surely the men could learn not to be so insistent?

Original poster
americantrish · 21/03/2007 15:43

hi anna, might wear a skirt.. depends on how bloated i feel (pms time!)!! went out to town with ds, had a good walk and got a coffee at caffe nero. and got all the errands done, so productivity has made me feel better. will update this tomorrow (probably in the afternoon as have job interview in the AM)

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 17:07

lazyanna - like I said earlier, I think sex is a crucial part of a couple's relationship and a biological necessary for human happiness... so no, I think that everyone who doesn't like it needs to think long and hard about why that it is and make some changes (maybe even change partners).

Anna8888 · 21/03/2007 17:09

hi americantrish - good for you and I hope you have a good productive session tonight

melminx · 21/03/2007 17:27

american trish,

Sorry to butt in but me and dh have been through exactly the same as you and your dh plus alot of other issues. we never went to counselling but worked through ( working ) them ourselves. Im 34 his 27 and we have 6 kids 3 from my 1st marriage.Dh also runs his own company. Our youngest dd is 9 months and its only been the last 3 weeks that my libido has come back.I always blamed lack of it on my under active thyroid! but it was basically feeling fat and ugly. So im losing weight im getting out if only a walk around bluewater. I only have 1 friend round here that i meet up with occasionly most round here are a bit snobby! But im learning to like me and to accept that hubby loves me for me wobbly bits and all. but i always felt like i was just a convenient body for him for sex and that had another body been available that would have done just the job. i made the same mistake as you having sex when he wanted just to keep the peace as i started to resent him for it. he also went through a looking at porn stage. It was a massive row we had that had him walk out that made up look at ourselves and take away the kids and we still want each other. what we are doing is spending quality time together. we get kids in bed on time i start dinner while he has a bath and he finishes dishes up while i have mine. And we talk about how we feel and if it hurts one of us we cuddle then carry on talking. we also started slowly spending 1 evening cuddling then progressing to kissing then massages till i was ready not him his always ready! but it came one night when he was talking to me as a person not just as a body to have sex with and he started looking at me and making me feel loved and wanted again. he was patient and when i was ready i made the first move which in itself is very enpowering. now i cant get enough!!! every morning he wakes me by kissing my back and if im not in the moood he carries on kissing my back just because he knows i like it. and that thought stays with me all day. i feel loved and respected and its an amazing feeling.what my dh has learned is that i am not a robot and the kids and the house is seriously hard work. and if i dont feel like sex one night doesnt mean i dont love him just menas in friggin knackered!!! you are not going to feel like sex with dh if your feeling taken for granted and un sexy and just a body. If you can get a babysitter go out spend time together making sure he knows that it doesnt have to end in sex. ask him to be patient and it will benefit all of you in the end. if you 2 are happy and smiling then your ds will feel that love and will grow up happier. its easy for me and anyone one else to say do this do that but when your going through it its the hardest thing in the world. the best advice is talk. keep talking and even if its just a cuddle do it fall asleep together on the sofa just cuddling you'll feel that closeness come back. and do what your doing talking your stress out on here rather than give him the grief. i hope you dont feel i've butted in i just know how much it hurts to go through what you are. i wish you both all the best xx

Original poster
americantrish · 21/03/2007 17:53

thanks anna8888 (sorry i should have noticed earlier there were two anna's on this thread..) durr!

OP posts:
Original poster
americantrish · 22/03/2007 13:53

just a quick note..as i have to get ds up in a few minutes..-
counselling went not so good last night. it was the first time we raised our voices (not shouting, but above a normal speaking tone.) the counsellor noticed the barrier/wall between us now and i made sure i voiced WHY i did not want to have sex with dh. (no emotional bond at this time with him.) it wasnt a good session at all. (although afterwards dh said it was our best one yet. shrug.)
this morning he had a go at me for the coat i was wearing to a job interview and i got horribly upset (cried in car on way to town :I) at least i got thru the interview and think it went well. once back home (as he had the morning off to look after ds while i was at the interview) - we got into another row about whether or not i had my period (he was implying i would lie and said i had it to avoid having sex with him.) all i had said was i'm due anyday now. shrug. feeling like sh*t again now. after feeling good about the interview and praising myself on NOT feeling nervous.
dh made a point of telling me this morning during the 'period' row that (and i quote) he would "take care of his own needs and that i needn't worry about him sexually now".
shrug.

OP posts:
lazyanna · 22/03/2007 15:49

Anna8888 - I completely disagree. I'm sorry, not least because when i say this i get shot down in flames, but i do not feel the need for Sex, I never have done. My husband does, but I think he now knows I am not interested in sex or touchy stuff, and he no longer feels the need to pressurise me in to it, he certainly has not done so for many years.

Does that make my marriage wrong, or dysfunctional? Why is it always the case that the partner who doesn't want all that nonsense is the on in the wrong? Why are there so many programs that seem to siggest that if you aren't having sex there is something wrong with you? This isn't religious, or emotional, I just don't like it. How is that different from not liking anything else?

AuldAlliance · 22/03/2007 16:01

Lazyanna, perhaps it's because most people don't think sex is nonsense, but a vital (and fun) part of life.

The idea that you just don't like it, as you might dislike the colour green or the taste of a particular food, doesn't ring a bell with most folk; not liking sex in a particular position, with a particular partner or at a particular time in life (e.g. the draining post-childbirth period) is something lots of MNers can probably relate to, but the general reaction to your posts confirm that a blanket dislike of sex is quite exceptional.

Your disgust may not be religious, but it does seem quite emotionally charged.

AuldAlliance · 22/03/2007 16:02

confirms even

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 10:51

Auld Alliance is quite right.

Lazyanna - so you think it is reasonable to want to be married and not have sex?

skullsandangrybones · 23/03/2007 11:01

Lazyanna does your husband have a mistress?

i fail to see how he can function as a 'normal' male when his wife has no interest in him sexually whatsoever.

do you not feel guilty about depriving him of an intimate part of a healthy loving relationship?

if your husband suddenly decided he didn't like talking to you, would you be ok with that?

would you be happy to live out the rest of your days together in silence without communication - after all if he doesnt want to speak, you cannot force him to how ever much you miss your conversations!

sex is just as important in a happy relationship as communication or hugs!

and i dont think you can argue that your relationship is happy and healthy - because im sure your husband wouldnt agree.