dh very unhappy due to lack of sex.....

[americantrish]

i'll try to keep this short... me and dh were separated from late september to late december last year. we have one child, ds is 3 in june. when i first moved back in, as to be expected, things were really good, sex included.

but now, i'm back a bit over 2 months and things are slowly feeling like they did before i left (on the sex front.)

(i should also say, we are in marriage counselling for about 6 weeks now and last week was the first week we touched on the topic of sex.)

dh has always had a higher sex drive then myself. and especially after having ds, my sex drive took a nosedive. and now, ds often doesnt nap during the day (he is today though! luckily!), wakes at 5.30am and by the time he's in bed at 7 or 7.30pm, i am knackered. and by the time i'm in bed at/around 10-10.30, sex is the last thing on my mind. dh tells me 'i'm tired all the time anyway' and that he does things he doesn't want to. (which i dont like how that implied i should have sex when i dont want to.)

a mistake i made in the past was having sex when i didn't want to. and as a result, i ended up in a state of self-loathing. one i wont allow myself to get back to.

i suggested to dh last night after he told me he was sick of being turned down for sex that we should sit down and have an open talk about sex and things associated with it. he assumes i know he wants to have sex when he rolls over and puts his leg over me! to me, that isn't a come-on!!
(i'm secretly afraid of having this talk! but there is SO much dh does sexually that i don't like.. i know i am hurting both of us (even if not openly) by NOT talking about these issues.)

i'm sick of feeling like this is only ME. (dh made a comment last night that "other couples go to bed and have sex".) sigh. he doesnt realise how badly those comments hurt. (to save having a row, i kept quiet about it.)

i need to have a backbone about this and tell him that if he just needs to get off, to go into the study, close the door and do this own thing. i'll leave him alone and not say a word about it afterwards. (porn used to be a very touchy subject for us, its not been brought up since we've reconciled.)

i guess i just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like its been suffocating me all morning. (sorry this was longer than i planned. thank you if you take the time to read it. or even skim it.)

Morning AT

Also just saw your profile - lovely pics on there!

Was thinking about your problem.

Surely th eroot of the whole sex problem is the fact that he either won't or can't admit to himself that HE is the cause of the lack of (in his eyes anyway ) because of his behaviour that caused you to spilt up.

Perhaps if he can get his head round the way he has made you feel, he just might be able to see that the loving feelings have to be worked at first, way before sex.

Perhaps this will be the good thing to come out of the counselling, and even more frequent sex may follow.

Sorry if I am off the mark here, you haven't said exactly what he was doing wrong before you split up.

However you say he has changed which is great, but he needs someone to show him how some actions or behaviour can have a lasting effect on someone (i.e you)

PS perhaps you should show him this thread!!

Reading that back and it sounds abit rambled.

I'm good at thinking things but not so great at putting it to paper iyswim!! lol

ellie> very cool i've only recently started to meet others in the area.. if you'd like, maybe we could try and arrange something?

bluedaisy> morning! thanks! i'm so glad we can post pics on here now, helps to put a face to the name sometimes

dh thinks that sex is needed to feel close, without it, closeness isnt easily achieved. and i am of the belief, i need to feel close to have sex. so we are often at loggerheads over this.

oh no, you're not off the mark. i was elusive as to why we split up. i wasnt perfect and i did my fair share of arguing back, but he would tell me to shut up frequently as a way to end an arguement or would call me names like idiot and stupid. which to his credit, he doesn't do now. i would never stand for it again. i left and didnt tell him i was. i took ds. it was a horrible time (we ended up in court over arranging contact for him to see ds)... a lot of wounds from that time for us both that need dealing with.

and i think without being able to heal properly from that, more frequent sex wont happen...

(i definitely COULD not show him this thread. wish i could. he would feel ultimately attacked. and he wouldnt appreciate me airing all this in 'public'. even though there is only one MN'er i know in real life and one i email offboard..) sigh... i just wish he knew that we werent alone in the less frequent sex!

if only i could convince him that less is better if the sex is better.....(well, not saying i can't.. just have to think of HOW)

no worries about rambling i appreciate your input!!

Miamatched libido is a problem between you. WHat your DH needs to get his head round is that no amount of counselling or even grovelling or bribery on his part is going to somehow make him entitled to as much sex as he wants. He has to understand that there has to be a compromise.
SOmething your counsellor may have already suggested is the alternate days scheme: for three days a week, the one who wants lots of sex must not ask for it (though the one who wants less freqnet sex is free to initiate it if he/she is in the mood), for the other days of the week, the horny one can ask but the less horny one is still entitled to refuse. What this does is break the cycle of every friendly overture or offer of a kiss/massage or even glass of wine is interpreted by the reluctant one as "ohe shit, he/she is going to want this to lead to sex" so the two peole get more and more polarised. If the non-horny one knows that he/she has so many days a week when there will be no pressure for sex, then it makes them feel less harassed and, oddly enough, more horny sometimes.

oh we know we have mismatched libidos. we have since ds was born. we used to have an agreement that on odd numbers days we wouldnt have sex (even if he wanted to) and on even days, we would. (well not every even numbered day, but you know what i mean.) and i liked that arrangement. but i think he got fed up with it because we still werent having any more sex and it stopped happening. this was prior to our separation and my only worries with such an agreement now is that i will feel even more pressured to have sex when its an even numbered day.

Hi AT: That might be a big part of the problem: the fact that he's not accepting that he'd not entitled to sex with your body every time he wants. That he's going to have to settle for a bit less sex than he actually wants, because the alternative is you having a whole lot of sex that you don't want. Because your needs, wants and feelings are every bit as important as his.

I forget who said what about this earlier but my advice re porn would be: if he wants to go and look at some and have sex on his own that's a better thing for him to do than pester you constantly. Also, if he's not in a state of frustration he might feel able to behave more politely becasue he will be feeling happier. Having a high sex drive doesn't make him a bad person any more than your being presently less interested in sex makes you a bad person: one partner insisting that their libido rules the household is not so good.

hi madamex> i definitely agree, if he would do his own thing sometimes it would take SO much pressure off me and i think in a lot of ways, he would be agreeable and pleasant to be around. and i wouldnt have to be worrying how many days its been since we last had sex. sigh...

I hope that I'm not repeating anything but it sounds as though the counselling is working but your DH has to stick to it! Maybe in the back of his mind he had the idea of going to counselling and then everything would be "fixed" sex would be on tap! He has to realise the pressure that he is putting you under is NOT SEXY and NOT A TURN ON!!

Could you try the everything but option? One night just kisses. Second night just light strokes, third massage .... Or try to focus on just one area a night face, arms, legs stomach etc. He needs to try and make you feel sexy again, and a prod in the back with MR Muscle is just not gonna do it! (BTW doesn?t have to be consecutive nights)

We did the above after our DD was born cause I just wasn?t in the mood anymore and now we are expecting our 2nd! And yep the dry spell has returned!! But thankfully no pressure this time! Sorry it?s so long

bethboo> we're still in early days of the counselling, it only seems to help right after we go and a few days after. honestly, i dont know what is going on in his head. i do know and will be bringing up at counselling next week that if i do not feel provided for emotionally (which this week i have been very down and he's not even attempted to be there, siting he has his own problems and stress; fair enough, he does.) when i feel distant emotionally, i cannot be close physically. (i think dh knows this, but doesnt accept it and thinks i will still have sex when i dont want to. but i wont now.)

he doesnt see it as pressure, but probably as 'normal'. should i say anything, i am criticising his higher sex drive. i'm damned if i do and if i don't. (which is how i am feeling today.)

the option you mentioned sounds good. but i dont think dh would be able to do it without wanting a release after and that would put me in the position of feeling pressured. i wouldnt be able to relax.

sigh. its all a catch 22 situation. and the more emotionally distant i become, the more physically distant i become and the more we will inevitably row....

sorry i got a bit longwinded in my response..i feel this is my only outlet for talking about this stuff

ps: congrats on expecting

Ohh darling I want to give you such a big hug .

Please be more vocal at the Counselling sessions as it will eventually sink in! But the most important aspect will be that you are finally talking and not just about sex but the emotions and the things that trigger rows and negative feelings!

I am such a prude, I put it down to the Catholic upbringing and I hate talking about SEX and my feelings..especially to my DH!
But by not doing so meant that I was feeling horrid and miserable so well done for going to the counselling and stick with it for your sake!! And keep adding to the thread, everyone wants to help!

aww. thank you, bethboo

i am going to try to talk more openly at counselling this coming week. i mean, i'm open during the sessions, but sometimes i feel as though i'm not saying everything i want to (or need to.)

i was brought up (roman) catholic too. but stopped going to church when i was 13 (as i was given the option.)

i think i would be able to talk more to dh if i felt it wouldnt turn into a row as most things we try to discuss on the serious level do!

thanks for reading it means a lot to me to know people out there are there

Just popping in on your thread - have a nice weekend and let us know how your counselling goes!

thanks bluedaisy i will do

just checking in real quick...
weekend started off rough... dh drank quite a bit (absinthe too ) got into a row about how i wanted to feel appreciated on mothers day too (as we had plans to go up to his mom's for the day) and then he told me (albeit in anger, it still hurt. still does.) that 'i give nothing' (to the relationship.) i left the room after that and went on the couch, read and went to sleep. (he woke saturday, "not remembering a thing" and with a headache.) saturday was okay. no rows, everything pretty lowkey.

sunday was overall a good mothers day. he made an effort. which i did appreciate it. and while at dinner with his mom and family, he looked after ds so i could relax

counselling wedneday night.. so i'm just waiting til then...

Can anyone suggest a herbal remedy that works that may help with non existent libido?

damiana (sp?) works well. but should be taken with care. and only on the advice of an skilled herbalist.

Going back to work may make it easier and you say you're going back because even though it's hard work at least ou have a break from the child and feel a bit more adult. You need more sleep to feel sexier, I think most people do so not being woken at 5.30am or alternating early mornings might help. As for normal amounts of sex I think if you have very young children people have less sex and then as the children sleep better they get back to having more.

If I were asked to guess twice a week is probably pretty good going if you've a small child who wakes in the night and he needs to realise that's quite normal. If there aren't children around then more than that suits some couples but not others. Some people are happy with once a month. It's when there's a difference between people there's a problem. Apparently a lot of marriages are sexless and there are more asexuals in the UK than gays.

oh yes. agreed on the more sleep bit. i feel rubbish when i get little sleep.
i would think 2x a week is good too, given the circumstances.
the problem is precisely that, different sex drives. sigh. i dread going back to work in a way, i'll be even more tired, with even less energy for sex :I

its such a catch 22

i just wish dh would see that when i feel more emotionally close to him, i am more apt to want to have sex....

If he is not (or has not in the past) treated you lovingly, you won't feel like making love to him. That's quite understandable, but it's not sustainable to live as a couple and not enjoy sex together.

I think you probably need to have quite a bit more counselling before this can get resolved.

But when you've had enough sleep do you want sex with him? It might just be simple exhaustion and if you had more sleep you might want more sex. Sometimes just having it anyway works. What about saying to him you'll try having sex whenever he wants it (and appear enthusiastic about it) and do that for 3 weeks and see how things are going? I don't suppose anyone else will agree that that's worth trying though.

anna> oh absolutely. that is one of the reasons we are in counselling... and we both know we need to keep going for quite some time before things resolve..if they ever truly do..

xenia> even on nights when i've had enough sleep, ds has been an angel, i sometimes dont want to have sex.
one mistake i made in the past was having sex ANYTIME he wanted it. and now i am carrying a hell of a lot of self-loathing because of it. (i have spoke of this at counselling.) i wont have sex just because he wants it. i cant and wont try that only because of my past history of that. but had i not done that in the past, i might be willing to give it a go.

Hi trish, there's obviously quite a complex situation here but thought I'd add just a little tip, bizarrely enough I read an interview with Jordan and she was saying (in her usual coy manner) that she doesn't feel like sex in bed, at nighttime, since she had kids. She said that to her at the moment, bed is for sleep, so she makes sure that they do it in the evening so that she doesn't feel there's this expectation that stuff will happen when they go to bed.

I thought that was really spot on actually for people who have young kids. It means that you make a bit of time to appreciate each other in the evening, and you get to relax at bedtime....It's a way of taking the pressure off really. Just wondered if this was something that might help you a little bit (if things improve to that degree!)
x

"but it's not sustainable to live as a couple and not enjoy sex together. "

why?

Many people do, la, many more than most people think. If people are happy with it that's fine. There's some horrendous statistic of the number of couples by the time they reach their 50s not having sex at all ever. Can't remember what it is. I think most couples have a lot less sex whilst they have small children and then more later. It's a normal pattern.

lazyanna - well, because then at best you'd be like friends or brother and sister, and it's just not normal for human beings, who are sexual animals, to live like that... and so one or both of the couple end up falling in love with someone else