Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh very unhappy due to lack of sex.....

241 replies

americantrish · 12/03/2007 13:54

i'll try to keep this short... me and dh were separated from late september to late december last year. we have one child, ds is 3 in june. when i first moved back in, as to be expected, things were really good, sex included.

but now, i'm back a bit over 2 months and things are slowly feeling like they did before i left (on the sex front.)

(i should also say, we are in marriage counselling for about 6 weeks now and last week was the first week we touched on the topic of sex.)

dh has always had a higher sex drive then myself. and especially after having ds, my sex drive took a nosedive. and now, ds often doesnt nap during the day (he is today though! luckily!), wakes at 5.30am and by the time he's in bed at 7 or 7.30pm, i am knackered. and by the time i'm in bed at/around 10-10.30, sex is the last thing on my mind. dh tells me 'i'm tired all the time anyway' and that he does things he doesn't want to. (which i dont like how that implied i should have sex when i dont want to.)

a mistake i made in the past was having sex when i didn't want to. and as a result, i ended up in a state of self-loathing. one i wont allow myself to get back to.

i suggested to dh last night after he told me he was sick of being turned down for sex that we should sit down and have an open talk about sex and things associated with it. he assumes i know he wants to have sex when he rolls over and puts his leg over me! to me, that isn't a come-on!!
(i'm secretly afraid of having this talk! but there is SO much dh does sexually that i don't like.. i know i am hurting both of us (even if not openly) by NOT talking about these issues.)

i'm sick of feeling like this is only ME. (dh made a comment last night that "other couples go to bed and have sex".) sigh. he doesnt realise how badly those comments hurt. (to save having a row, i kept quiet about it.)

i need to have a backbone about this and tell him that if he just needs to get off, to go into the study, close the door and do this own thing. i'll leave him alone and not say a word about it afterwards. (porn used to be a very touchy subject for us, its not been brought up since we've reconciled.)

i guess i just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like its been suffocating me all morning. (sorry this was longer than i planned. thank you if you take the time to read it. or even skim it.)

OP posts:
melminx · 23/03/2007 13:46

i know this is a public message board and all have a right to their opinion but come on guys back off! what goes on in someone elses marriage is down to them. whether its happy or sad no one really knows but them. and i dont think having a go at someone for not wanting sex is fair at all.

lazyanna · 23/03/2007 15:27

Thank you Mel

I acn't see that because he doesn't have sex makes him not normal - I'm sure he would find that insulting, and I do not think that sex is anything like talking.

The suggestion that he has a Mistress is ridiculous, and a bit rude. Yes, he would like it if our relationship was sexual, but it isn't, and he's accepted that. That doesn't mean it is not a marriage. And i do not feel I am being unreasonable - would it be reasonable to let him have sex with me even though I do not like it?

mumto3girls · 23/03/2007 15:32

Lazyanna..just out of interest, if he told you he was going elsewhere for sex..would you be okay with that?

lazyanna · 23/03/2007 15:46

Of course not!

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 15:47

oh lazyanna you are taking the piss aren't you?

lazyanna · 23/03/2007 15:49

Why would I be "ok" with him having an affair?

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 15:50

You don't seriously think that it's OK for a wife to refuse her husband sex AND to refuse him to have sex elsewhere?

mumto3girls · 23/03/2007 15:50

Lazyanna...why not? If it's no big deal to you and you think it's horrid and not something you want to participate in( which is you pefect right) why would it bother you if he got it elsewhere but your relationsip stayed the same in every other way?

lazyanna · 23/03/2007 15:55

I can not beleive you are even having to ask these questions. I also suspect that if you were to ask every mn'er here, and they were to be honest, a few of them would say that they do not have sex with their husbands, and quite a few would prefer it if they did not have to.

Sex is not something I am interested in, and it is not a crucial part of my marriage. If my husband wanted it that much, then would tell him he was a grubby little sod, and kick him out of the house. He is meant to be faithful to me.

mumto3girls · 23/03/2007 15:57

Lazyanna - I did kind of understand the points you were making about you views on sex and you defence about not needing to feel forced or cooeced into it. But now you have completely lost me as not only do YOU not want it. But you actually expect you DH to accept that HE isn't allowed it either? By the way he is not a dity sod for wanting to make love to someone....

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 15:58

lazyanna - there is no concept of fidelity if you're refusing to have sex in the first place. Fidelity in marriage = a faithful SEXUAL relationship.

Have you ever seen a sex therapist?

lulumama · 23/03/2007 15:59

Sex is not something I am interested in, and it is not a crucial part of my marriage. If my husband wanted it that much, then would tell him he was a grubby little sod, and kick him out of the house. He is meant to be faithful to me.

wow !! i presume you have a child/ children..so you must have made love with your husband a few times.....

and what will this teach your DCs about sex and love and intimacy?

am really shocked that you think a man who wants sex is grubby and you would kick him out

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:01

lulumama - I quite agree.

Lazyanna's views are probably the most shocking I have seen on MN.

mumto3girls · 23/03/2007 16:02

apologies the R key on my laptop keeps sticking...

mumto3girls · 23/03/2007 16:03

I just feel really really soy for you and your DH..( and I know you don't want or need my sympathy and it's patronising)...sorry I just find it really sad.

lazyanna · 23/03/2007 16:05

Obviously we did it when we were ttc, but not since, as there hasn't been a reason to. He's aware of how I feel, and he seems happy.

What's the alternative, may I ask? You think it is reasonable that he has some sort of mormon arrangement with other wives, or that I have to put up with it whenever he wants it? There is a word for that.

lulumama · 23/03/2007 16:07

i wonder why you are so repulsed by sex? genuine question, as it is such a natural human drive and a natural way to be intimate with a partner....

no one is saying you should be forced to have sex, but i wonder if it might be worthwhile to address your distaste of sexual activity

mumto3girls · 23/03/2007 16:08

The options would be 1) Getting help in finding out whay you don't enjoy it o want it.
2) Do it for him ( you may find youself enjoying it more than you think) and it isn't prostituting youself to make love with you DH even if it's not eally you favourite thing.
3) Live in hope that he'll never get so frustated that he finds someone else
4) Allow him to go and have sex with other people ( no mormon like wife relationship needed)

I would definitely prefer 1 and or 2 to thye other options.

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:16

lazyanna - I think that you are refusing to acknowledge that YOU have a serious problem. There are people who can help. You could try your GP or Relate.

rowan1971 · 23/03/2007 16:17

I think quite a few of you are getting a bit over-heated. It's LazyAnna's marriage - surely she and her husband are entitled to make absolutely any arrangement that suits them. And yes, that includes having no sex. It's not that unusual. If her husband was really unhappy with the arrangement, presumably he'd be out the door by now. Why don't you lot back off? Your behaviour smacks of bullying to me.

melminx · 23/03/2007 16:19

i cant believe what i have just read!!! talk about wanting to swear like a fish wife!!! god forbid anything should happen to you that made sex not happen! How the hell can you ask a woman why cant your husband go and have sex with another woman?? what planet are you on??? lots of women have sex with the dh and the dirty sods still go elsewhere for it! Are you narrow minded and judgemental enough not to even think there maybe a reason she doesnt want sex? A seriously good and perfectly reasonable reason that she doesnt want to to tell narrow minded people about? Like i said everyone has an opinion be it neanderthal or not. If you dont like the fact that she doesnt want sex with her hubby then you have problems go jump your dh's twice tonight do 1 for her hubby in mind! honestly some people amaze me.

lulumama · 23/03/2007 16:20

all this referring to men as dirty and grubby is a little this is sex, we are talking about, that we have all done, as we have kid, not some really weird perversion

Anna8888 · 23/03/2007 16:21

Come on, lazyanna came on here and told us all about her sexless marriage and how she feels perfectly justified in refusing her husband sex. People who believe (like I do) that sex is as important to human health as good food just want to help her understand how much she's missing and the risks she's taking.

rowan1971 · 23/03/2007 16:23

A laudable aim, but I think you've misjudged your tone, anna8888. If you really want to help, perhaps it would be good idea to stop letting her know that you think she's a malicious freak. (I'm paraphrasing.)

lulumama · 23/03/2007 16:23

"Sex is not something I am interested in, and it is not a crucial part of my marriage. If my husband wanted it that much, then would tell him he was a grubby little sod, and kick him out of the house. He is meant to be faithful to me"

so, a husband wanting sex is a grubby little sod...i think posting something fairly contentious, at odds with most peoples' expectations of marriage, does invite strong reactions