dh very unhappy due to lack of sex.....

[americantrish]

i'll try to keep this short... me and dh were separated from late september to late december last year. we have one child, ds is 3 in june. when i first moved back in, as to be expected, things were really good, sex included.

but now, i'm back a bit over 2 months and things are slowly feeling like they did before i left (on the sex front.)

(i should also say, we are in marriage counselling for about 6 weeks now and last week was the first week we touched on the topic of sex.)

dh has always had a higher sex drive then myself. and especially after having ds, my sex drive took a nosedive. and now, ds often doesnt nap during the day (he is today though! luckily!), wakes at 5.30am and by the time he's in bed at 7 or 7.30pm, i am knackered. and by the time i'm in bed at/around 10-10.30, sex is the last thing on my mind. dh tells me 'i'm tired all the time anyway' and that he does things he doesn't want to. (which i dont like how that implied i should have sex when i dont want to.)

a mistake i made in the past was having sex when i didn't want to. and as a result, i ended up in a state of self-loathing. one i wont allow myself to get back to.

i suggested to dh last night after he told me he was sick of being turned down for sex that we should sit down and have an open talk about sex and things associated with it. he assumes i know he wants to have sex when he rolls over and puts his leg over me! to me, that isn't a come-on!!
(i'm secretly afraid of having this talk! but there is SO much dh does sexually that i don't like.. i know i am hurting both of us (even if not openly) by NOT talking about these issues.)

i'm sick of feeling like this is only ME. (dh made a comment last night that "other couples go to bed and have sex".) sigh. he doesnt realise how badly those comments hurt. (to save having a row, i kept quiet about it.)

i need to have a backbone about this and tell him that if he just needs to get off, to go into the study, close the door and do this own thing. i'll leave him alone and not say a word about it afterwards. (porn used to be a very touchy subject for us, its not been brought up since we've reconciled.)

i guess i just needed to get this off my chest, it feels like its been suffocating me all morning. (sorry this was longer than i planned. thank you if you take the time to read it. or even skim it.)

custardo i find being called love offensive

You are welcome Lazyanna, i meant every word. At least 'the fight' has taken the heat off you

Ok thanks for that

i think you will find that the connotations associated with the word Pikey are derogatory of a particular race and culture of people.

being called 'love' may well be frowned upon, no be appropriate depending on the circumstance ( work etc) and maybe patronising.

i dont think you can equate the two, or negate the former by proclaiming your distaste for the latter.

howeer this in turn does not negate your feelings. It still remains you used a very un PC and offensive term

Lazyanna...but surely it isn't giving in completely. For instance..I have £100 and my DH wants to have it all. I refuse because I don't want him to have any at all...in the end we compomise by sharing it 50-50.

Wouldn't agreeing to do something once a month that would make your DH really happy be a compromise?

In your example he just gets something he wants, while you end up with less. I undertand that, but this isn't something material, this is an act, and one I really don't like. He's buying his happiness with my unhappiness. It's not like he "needs" it.

And I don't think, if it is not something i want, it is "making love". It is just "Sex".

but you are securing your happiness and contentment by denying him his....I do see your point but can't agree that point blank refusal 100% of the time is fair or loving

Okay resisted posting but well what the heck. I've not had sex for over a year now - not through choice I hasten to add - has it made me a lesser person - no. Do I feel traumatised by no sex - no. Do I still feel sexy/passionate yes.

I truly personally feel you can have loving passionate relationship without sex. As I say to my boys - hugs and kisses make the world go round.

americantrish I truly hope you can find a middle ground with your H and that the counselling helps you. You are not alone in going through this kind of situation.

I know I shall be pilloried for this, but if he "insisted" I would tell him to leave. I'm sorry, but that would be my choice.

so anna you have the right to REFUSE sex, but he doesnt have the right to want sex?

thats not comprimise, thats living by your ruling.

how sad for your husband, i truely do feel for him, and for you too - sex is one of the most wonderful things in life when shared with a person you love.

i hope you know what your doing and you dont find out your husband has had to go elsewhere to fullfil his normal, healthy need for a sexual relationship,

xx

Have not read thread (too long) but heres my story.

Have only had sex once in a year I could very happily never have it again. DP and I have been to counselling which failed, and I am currently receiveing some counselling alone, which may have helped since a week after seeing her I had sex with dp which wasa the first time in a year.
I enjoyed it when I had it although it was sore, cos of episiotomy I think, but I know i will struggle to have it again, as I cant seem to want it iyswim?

Anyway, dp is wonderful, very supportive, and although does grope me a lot which is a pain, he never forces me or makes a big issue out of it.
I think that people are either highly sexed or not, and I am one of those people who is not, BUT i do think we should consider our other halves also, so that they do not feel left out and unloved. That is why I am trying to overcome my issues.

thanks alipiggy..

i just skimmed over the other comments made here. wow..

God just read whole thread......
I think some of the comments are a bit harsh towards realtionships which lack in sex. Whilst I agree it may not be ideal for some of you, please do NOT criticise others relationships because of the problems they may be having. Sex has many differnt meaning to people irespective of love for dp/dh, with me it was to do with control and reluctance to be imtimate with a man, but counseller to me that this did not mean the relationship was a bad one or was doomed to fail. God hopes american trish had the advice whe requested and was not upset by all this angst. I was

hi anyone there for a chat

aye

lilymolly> when i read all the additional comments (not really associated with my original post), it was discerning. i guess longer threads can have a tendency to 'branch' off though... at least in the beginning/middle of the thread, it was a good place for me to get my feelings off my chest..