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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoegirly · 28/04/2017 15:58

I know I sound shallow but he really is hot! Well I certainly thought so. But that was also part of the problem as I felt he was too good looking for me. Need to keep reminding myself that he has been alone for three years and has chosen to be alone again with all his issues.

OP posts:
Biddylee · 28/04/2017 17:35

I'm actually starting to wonder whether it is middle age female hormones giving middle age men a go (some kind of version of beer goggles).

I think I'm going to aim for a younger bloke next times - probably less baggage/issues.

Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 17:59

I empathise, OP. Mine was hot too: tall, handsome, super-fit gym bod as well as clever (PhD) with a six-figure salary and an extremely prestigious career. Kind of eclipsed the fact that he was also unkind, deceitful and, um - truth told - boring!?!

Part of the self-loathing I've been feeling is as a result of my shallowness. I had no idea I could be so shallow. He is not a good man. I knew this, but just didn't care.

And the other part of the self-loathing is caused by a horrible little gremlin in my head that keeps on telling me I am too ugly, fat, lazy, poor and chaotic too have held the regard of such a man. He's in a relationship with someone else now, who he prefers. I torture myself thinking about what she's like: imagine how thin, pretty, rich, successful she is...

Just wish I could stop thinking about it all!! Sad

Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 18:12

Sorry, OP, my last post was a bit of a cri de coeur, rather than constructive advice... Blush

I suppose what you have to keep reminding yourself is that, you clearly were attractive enough for him, because you guys got together, even if it didn't work out long term. Men simply do not get with women who they are not sexually attracted to, especially not men who are as good looking as you say he is. It's self evident that you were hot enough.

Your next man will probably be just as good looking, but a whole lot nicer.

Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 18:15

And yes, Biddy, I am thinking younger men might be the way forward. Avoid the all too common grumpiness and boringness of middle aged men, plus everything in their pants will be in fine working order... Grin

SassynSane · 28/04/2017 18:54

Girly clearly you need to read your own posts...clearly you are not too ugly, fat, lazy or poor because you clearly were attractive enough for him, because you guys got together, even if it didn't work out long term. Men simply do not get with women who they are not sexually attracted to. You give very good advice lady, you need to apply it to yourself, though easier said than done, I know!

Mine wasn't that great looking but OMG....the charisma! And I fell for it hook, line & sinker...

Younger guys though....do you think the maintenance would be worth it?

AnnaNimmity · 28/04/2017 18:58

oh mine is very good looking, charismatic and funny. I just fancy him so much and worry I won't find anyone who comes close to him in those stakes. Caused me huge amount of pain and hurt over the last year. I don't feel inadequate for him tbh. He was lucky to have me!

I'm missing him now - we spent a lot of time together, messaged a lot. Not tempted to message though.

(although am tempted to put something on instagram that he may see....).

How are you doing OP?

FindingJessica · 28/04/2017 18:59

I know quite a few men in their 40's and 50's and nearly all of them have issues of some sort, have got themselves into stupid situations or have no idea what they are doing with women. I think many of them will remain single. Most women I know are fairly sorted with themselves. I think most of the trouble is the men themselves and their inability to think about things and the consequences of what they are doing.

Biddylee · 28/04/2017 19:27

Girly yes - I want a man in full working order and not having a mid life crisis.

(Toyboywarehouse anyone ???) Grin

Original poster
Shoegirly · 28/04/2017 19:34

I took myself out for wine and the cinema. Now having one for the road. I know I am not unatracctive but fuck sake I felt I was competing with the ex who is part time model! Plus the fact she calls herself miss sunshine! I am not going to beat myself up over fact I was honest about how much I liked him or that I felt he could have made more effort. I wasn't asking for the moon on the stick! Only to see him more than a few hours every two weeks!

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 19:50

Really glad to hear that you've taken yourself out, OP.

And thanks, Sassy. You're very sweet. Wine

LucieLucie · 28/04/2017 19:58

Op listen to yourself, you're never going to get this man to change his behaviour towards you and act the way you want.

You need to accept he's not keen any more and let him be.

Find a distraction or hobby. Every time you find yourself wanting to contact him or stalk him online make it a trigger to do something else, walk, exercise, listen to music, read a book whatever.

Biddylee · 28/04/2017 21:43

Recent ex just contacted me again. Struggling to tell him that no contact means no contact. I finished with him on the 1st April, he has contacted me nearly once a week since then (there was a week he didn't and I felt better but this week I get another text). I feel confused. I didn't stop dating him because I didn't like him it was because he became distant and he has a drink problem.

Why is it always so complex?

Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 22:53

Oh, sorry to hear that Biddy. Hope you're feeling OK. Just remember what you said at the beginning of this thread - he wasn't all that.

SassynSane · 28/04/2017 23:25

Glad you managed your night out OP & def approve of your one for the road GinGrin

Biddy I feel your pain....mine has called me this evening ShockConfusedSad I actually felt like I had turned a corner the past few days & it's like he has some kind of radar or something. If I start to feel stronger he literally yanks my chain....arrgghhh! Deep breath....and Wine....and onwards, upwards, forwards...

Original poster
Shoegirly · 29/04/2017 10:27

Today will be hard as it was usually a Saturday evening we spent together. Finding it hard to understand why he hasn't even messaged to say hi or see if am ok.

OP posts:
SassynSane · 29/04/2017 10:51

Aww Shoe, it's because he's selfish and not thinking about you and only himself but it sucks I know! Do you have any plans for today? Hope you're ok!

Girlywurly · 29/04/2017 11:16

It might be because he's trying not to give you a mixed message, which would end up hurting you further. Or it might be as Sassy says. No way to know for sure, unfortunately. Are you able to distract yourself, OP?

AnnaNimmity · 29/04/2017 11:20

oh shoe the weekends are really hard I think. I'm just wishing this one away and waiting to go back to work where I can be distracted.

Can you go for a run or something? Will that help?

I've got Paul McKenna's I can mend your broken heart which is often recommended on here. I'm going to read it later on and see if any of the tips work. I spent sometime yesterday reading various webpages etc, and it seems that No Contact is the only way forward and the fastest way forward. Not easy though.

My ex is out of contact this weekend anyway (away on a trip with little mobile coverage) so I am not expecting anything but next week will be really hard.

springydaffs · 29/04/2017 15:34

'My' (tho not my, hence the angst) man also didn't contact me for a month. A month! I identify with that grinding bafflement: why isn't he calling?

I have no idea why - apart from the obvious: he's not interested - but I do know I do NOT want to be feeling like that. Ever. I do NOT want that in my life. And, if it comes via him, I do NOT want him.

I've also been fretting about being unattractive - or not-attractive-enough. I've only just realised I've been feeling like this - to the point that when I was recently complimented by a few people I was baffled and genuinely didn't know what they meant.

Enough! I do NOT wanting to be feeling like that especially as, if truth be told, I'm out of his league. He's a bit of a minger. Inside and out .

AnnaNimmity · 29/04/2017 15:58

girly I don't think they know they are sending mixed messages. They send a nice email telling you about something interesting and of course you think "yay he likes me after all" but he doesn't realise his message has had that effect (unless he's a bastard and he's just keeping you hanging on of course)

Springy how long have you been apart from your ex?

my ex has said he'd like to keep in contact and he loves me but he needs to be alone right now. He ended yesterday's email with a really nice comment, which of course sent me into a spin. I'd love to end up with him after all this, and think we're really well suited. But then I would think that.

I have a date tonight anyway, try to move on etc etc.

Girlywurly · 29/04/2017 16:07

Good luck with your date, Anna.

hareinthemoon · 29/04/2017 16:12

There's just such a mad disconnect between knowing how crap they are (and 'loving ourselves' - yes I do love myself, much more now than when I was with him, and that's a clue in itself) and these stupid stupid feelings of loss. WHY ARE THEY EVEN THERE??

I get so frustrated with myself. It's not logical. or healthy, or helpful...and in my case he's being just as unhealthily obsessed over someone else...I wish he could just be gone from my brain/heart/wherever he has lodged his poisonous self.

Girlywurly · 29/04/2017 16:28

I think these men appeal to quite primitive things in the unconscious, which is why it's so hard to eliminate feelings for them by sheer force of intellect. Knowing in my brain he's no good for me is not the same as feeling it in my heart and, um, other parts...! Blush

Timetobookaholiday · 29/04/2017 18:50

My coping skills today have been reminding myself that I deserve more, I deserve someone who loves and respects me, by taking me for dates and telling me I look nice.
Not arranging that day to see me, when he suddenly has nothing else to do, or telling me he's not a emotional person.
Luckily for me he works most weekends, so I didn't really spend weekends with him.
I've stopped replying to his texts, but still to tell him if finally over, I will not do that face to face again...it never ends up as I it is meant to!