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Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
BarryKwipkee · 27/04/2017 17:05

"What I mean is, we're probably on probation for a lot longer than we realise! And the whole time, he's talking that sweet talk..."

Yes.............

Can one ever relax in to a relationship??????

BarryKwipkee · 27/04/2017 17:10

and girly that is why I always end up dumped. I am not needy, I have a full life, I'm not compromising myself, aiming too high or settling but if I ever give a shit about a man, if I care/hope that it works out, he will date me for 6 or 7 weeks then either end it (which is more honorable) or he'll suddenly withdraw and stop being as attentive.

Honestly, when I have tried to seek answers for this all I get is love yourself. And I bloody well do love myself. That is not the problem.

I totally agree with that "finding" though. If I spend time with a man it's because i've already judged that I could, whilst getting to know him, have a relationship. He is thinking rainy tuesday I'll hang out BarryKwipkee. Now, let me check my inbox to see if a hot 35 year old wants me cos I aint committing to this woman who I get on well with who is in better physical shape than I am.

Biddylee · 27/04/2017 17:22

BarryKwipkee Grin I hate the 'love yourself' answer - I do (although I was wobbly and a bit needy in my last brief relationship but then he was needy and clingy and insecure). I am still trying to get my head around how I can love myself more (without making myself sound egotistical).

Although I did finish with the last guy because a) he became distant and b) he is a functioning alcoholic which makes him not boyfriend material... (and actually on reflection he was a bit controlling).

BarryKwipkee · 27/04/2017 17:36

What the ''love yourself more'' advisers don't realise is that you walk away from so many dates because you do value yourself. But walking away leaves you single. If you were in an ambivalent relationship with one of those guys you walked away from then on paper that looks less like you need to love yourself than if you remain single and just vent a bit (understandably I think) to friends!

I walk away from the obvious no nos as well. But when somebody suddenly announces ''I don't want this'' or ''there isn't enough chemistry'' or this one is beautiful ''we're not on the same page'' then .................................. it's harder to say to yourself that you should have seen it coming or to identify what you learnt.

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 18:18

Yep, sometimes being single is simply an indication that one has high standards!!

OP, it sounds as though you set a high standard for your relationships, and that you ended this one because it simply wasn't good enough for you. I don't doubt you'll find what you want eventually.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 27/04/2017 18:28

But I didn't end it,he did and I honestly don't really know why. He used the excuse of his kids but as I said previously he had told me that he is able to just switch his feelings off. It was his way of dealing with abusive childhood.
I need to stop torturing myself with the what if or whys. The reality is that he is 54 with a load of issues and I was his first relationship since his marriage breakdown. Not my problem any more!

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 27/04/2017 18:29

"Why can't men just end things rather than keep us hanging on or pretending they want to be friends? Just makes it hurt more."

Two options:

  1. He's a bloody coward that knows he doesn't see anything long term, but can't find the balls to actually tell you;
  2. He knows it's not got long term legs, but wants to keep shagging you until he finds someone else.

Fun fact: It can also be 1 AND 2!

pocketsaviour · 27/04/2017 18:30

54! How old are you OP? Sorry if you said before and I missed it.

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 18:38

Right ok, I was thinking more along the lines of you confronting him about not putting enough in...

springydaffs · 27/04/2017 18:45

And the whole time, he's talking that sweet talk...

The fucker Angry

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 18:56

Thing is, springy, I think they mean it at the time... It seems to me that men get really swept up in the excitement and passion of the early days - even more so than women. When men do fall in love, they fall quick and hard. But more usually, reality gradually creeps in: she's not quite as perfect as he thought, needs time and attention, he starts to sense she disapproves of him, and suddenly he can't wait to get away!

I don't really see men like this as nasty, just victims of their own psychology!

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 18:57

(Hark at me, acting like I am some kind of man whisperer!! Grin Am certainly anything but...)

Biddylee · 27/04/2017 19:01

Girly Sounds right - all that excitement and then the reality that women aren't perfect ( put on a pedestal and quickly knocked off) . Get a business card saying 'man whisperer' Grin

springydaffs · 27/04/2017 19:04

I find it very hard to have any patience or compassion for men when they do that emotionally seductive stuff. It's DANGEROUS Angry

springydaffs · 27/04/2017 19:07

Isn't it yet another example of treating women like objects. Objects for their delectation...

Angry
Biddylee · 27/04/2017 19:08

springy men should come with a warning label like ciggies. Perhaps a picture of a lady sobbing into her hankie as she posts on Mumsnet. Grin

springydaffs · 27/04/2017 19:08

Oh hang on, you're real

springydaffs · 27/04/2017 19:13

Ever the one to try to find a maxim: perhaps when they do that gooey eyed stuff we beat a hasty retreat?

This recent head/heartfuck guy did that and, at the time, I was thinking wtf is he doing? We're just chatting, what's all that weird stuff?

Should have listened to myself

Original poster
Shoegirly · 27/04/2017 19:17

To the poster who asked I am 41 but I was insecure around him as he is very good looking and a gym freak. Which was actually part of the problem,he would rather go to gym,numerous hobbies than see me. But then on the other hand he told me he has been lonely and miserable since his marriage ended. Which is it?@!!

OP posts:
Biddylee · 27/04/2017 19:18

I did say to the last guy to stop planning our future - this was in the early days of hanging out - then my mind decided that maybe it wasn't such a frightening idea... somewhere along the way he lost interest.

Actually I got quite bad anxiety and I think it was my mind going WHAT THE FUCK alot .

Biddylee · 27/04/2017 19:21

Shoe I think it's easy to become insecure when someone is very busy. How often did you want to see him?
Also, did he say nice things to make you feel secure in the relationship?

SassynSane · 27/04/2017 19:21

Hi all. Been following this thread. You lot give some great advice! Girly, you're def a 'man whisperer'! Been through something v similar to you Shoe - met guy last summer through OLD, was swept off my feet, he told me that 2017 was going to be our year, we would be living together, planning our wedding, maybe even thinking about a baby. I had no reason to doubt him. Introduced him to my DD (1st time ever done that). Thought I had found my happy ever after.

Anyway here we are in 2017 & am single again ....we are still msging occasionally, mainly because I am still trying to get over it all. And it sucks. And it hurts. First time I had fully taken the plunge after exDP left 5yrs ago Sad And I wish we all had some kind of an off switch we could flick to speed up the healing process! But some of the advice on here is fab! And yes Shoe we def need to stop torturing ourselves with the 'what ifs'...

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 19:26

Yes, I think what you say about objectification is certainly true for some men, springy. It certainly was for mine. In the end it was clear that he thought I was a toy he could pick up and put down at will. I believe he gave not a moment's consideration to the pain and mortification this caused me - just wasn't on his radar.

I think when they're in our faces doing all that love talk, emotionally we need to be 10ft away - until we decide the time is right. I don't mind letting a man play his way into my knickers, but I'll be damned if I let him play his way into my heart.

And yes please to health warnings! Or maybe we could set up a reviews site where men come pre-accredited by other women?!? Like TripAdvisor for dates... Grin

FindingJessica · 27/04/2017 19:32

Another one here who has had the same done recently. He couldn't get over getting to go out with me and yet two months in he started to go cold and distant, no time to see me and stressed. Gets back in contact but not sure he'll try again now. At 42 I think I might give up on men, most men in their late 40's don't seem to be interested in a relationship, commitment or behaving like a decent human being, they only seem interested in messing women about and having a midlife crisis.

FindingJessica · 27/04/2017 19:37

I ended up with some anxiety too.
I was also thinking that a review site for these dodgey men (there seem to be so many) is an excellent idea. Name and shame them to protect other women from suffering the same.