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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 27/04/2017 19:37

Interesting re the gym and various hobbies.

In the words of (I think) Anyfucker

'There's always a fucking hobby isn't there'.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 27/04/2017 19:47

He told me himself he is addicted to the gym and its one of the things that helps him with his ptsd. I am convinced it is something to do with his ex. She is seeing someone else and he denies still having feelings for her but I'm not convinced. Oh and did I mention she's a model :(

OP posts:
FindingJessica · 27/04/2017 19:54

I'm feeling better knowing I'm not alone with this. The guy I was seeing seemed to have time for hobbies and everyone else. He was also in a job where I thought he'd know how to treat people more honestly. I think these types of men will eventually end up still single in old age and lonely as their lives will pass them by.

Biddylee · 27/04/2017 19:58

There is a review site - looks American :

www.reviewmyonlinedate.com/sample-review

SassynSane · 27/04/2017 20:03

Yes Jessica, what goes around comes around! here's hoping anyway Hmm

Biddylee · 27/04/2017 20:03

Finding Yep - the having time for everyone else but having mid life crisis and needing space when it comes to spending time with you. (Actually my brother had a good explanation for this - it's easier for them to be relaxed in friend's company but harder in a dating situations because of expectations (from themselves or perceived expectations)).

Yes - last boyfriend is petrified of ending up on his own and being lonely but he will at the rate he is going. (yep - men in their 40s suck)

SassynSane · 27/04/2017 20:06

Hmmm...mine was 51....50s don't seem any better either....sigh...

Sumowrestler · 27/04/2017 20:07

If you go totally, and I mean TOTALLY no contact with him, his memory will soon fast.

Sumowrestler · 27/04/2017 20:08

...will soon fade, I mean.

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 20:12

Did he tell you his ex was a model, OP? That sounds quite deliberately undermining of your confidence.

FindingJessica · 27/04/2017 20:33

I think no contact is the way, they then realised you also can have better things to do with your life.
Do not think anything of his ex being a model. I work part time as a model, you wouldn't know from looking at me. There is a lot of clever makeup, good lighting, image editing and carefully worked out posing. Men still treat me badly when the novelty wears off and they realise I'm just a regular woman.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 27/04/2017 22:29

Girly I looked up her pictures. Yes I do love to torture myself. Actually she is an alternative model so not someone I would compare myself too. I wouldn't say he made me insecure about her but he didn't compliment me as much as I would compliment him.
As I said in previous post the reality I need to keep reminding myself is that he is a fucked up man in his fifties with erectile problems due to the tablets he takes and that he is far more likely to end up regretting losing me.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/04/2017 23:07

Wow, what a catch Hmm

springydaffs · 27/04/2017 23:11

Mine was...

Hang on, can I be bothered to even describe him. Absolutely yawnable on every front...

Perhaps it's the hope and possibility that is so dashing (dashing on the rocks not dashing handsome). Especially as they cooked us with all that fucking charm and shmoozing.

magdaboom · 27/04/2017 23:27

OP just out of curiosity how old are you? And how old is he?

SassynSane · 27/04/2017 23:29

That's exactly it Springy, it's the hopes, dreams and possibilities that are suddenly ended too. The future you thought was a potential reality....and gawd, yes, that bloody charm and schmoozing....why bother? Why go into all that effort only to disappear? Pfft! Angry

magdaboom · 27/04/2017 23:32

" I don't mind letting a man play his way into my knickers, but I'll be damned if I let him play his way into my heart."

I think this will forever be my mantra from
now on.

Lara2015 · 28/04/2017 13:50

Reading through these comments, and it's so refreshing to hear. The whole 'love yourself, before anyone can love you' annoys me too. I quite like myself, and have been single for some time, I don't mind being since I enjoy my independence, however I know I would be more fulfilled if I were in a (happy) relationship. I also would be lying if I didn't admit I get lonely sometimes, however I still LIKE myself.

That said, I can't say men are flocking to me, I look at my friends who are in long term relationships, and would suspect they have many more insecurities than I do. I'm often told I'm picky, however I think it's more the case that I CAN be on my own, so therefore don't waste time chasing with someone who's not right. I can be on my own, because I'm happy with myself. I just know I'd probably be happier in a fulfilling relationship. When people say 'love yourself', it doesn't directly translate to the end of your single days. That's my two pence anyway.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 28/04/2017 14:03

To the poster who asked I am 41 and he is 54 but he looks much younger. Well day 3 of no contact and am managing to avoid stalking him on messanger/instagram etc.
It's so hard though. Part of me is still hoping he will message me as supposedly we are still friends. No plans for this weekend either which will make it even harder.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 28/04/2017 14:17

Hold that thought. This friends thing.. don't kid yourself. Thin end etc.

Don't contact him today. Hold out for the day. Up to you what you do tomorrow but don't contact him today. Etc Wink

I like your two pence Lara.

Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 14:28

If he really is a friend, and if he has any sense at all, he'll be giving you lots of space right now, and for some time yet to come.

I've previously tried to maintain a friendship at the same intensity after a relationship ended and it was absolute torture - like constantly picking at an open wound. I wouldn't recommend it. If it's a sincere friendship you'll be able to resume it in a year or so's time, once you've both healed. Flowers

Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 14:31

... can you make plans for the weekend, OP? Even if it's just taking yourself for a manicure, coffee & cake with the weekend papers, and an evening in with a Dvd...?

Girlywurly · 28/04/2017 14:33

Actually, hold that thought - maybe not a Dvd... I find that watching/reading anything with a remotely romantic plot just sets me off...!!

AnnaNimmity · 28/04/2017 14:36

hi, i'm in a similar position. My guy (also early 50s, what is it about them?) has said he's taking a few months alone to sort himself out and to think about things, I actually asked him to do this, so no idea why I feel so bereft now. . He emailed me this morning, but now I'm going NC for at least 21 days. I need to move on as there's no guarantee he'll come back to me and in any case I don't want to sit in limbo.

I did the whole deranged messaging thing yesterday, so I can throw a bit of humiliation into the mix too.

I like the tennis racket thing - that really helped me yesterday. I also wrote a list of the bad things he's done. I'm not stalking him anywhere, and am unlikely to bump into him, but he's still around on my social media (not FB) although he doesn't do much on it.

LiarLawyer · 28/04/2017 15:41

AnnaNimmity I know! These late 40s and 50s men are hot. I've seen so many lately.