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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
BarryKwipkee · 25/04/2017 10:30

I agree with springydaff's first paragraph.

Also women are much less comfortable giving a man false hope/the wrong idea. A lot of men will set out to choose their vague words very carefully to avoid giving a woman the clarity they need to make an informed decision.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 25/04/2017 13:58

Well I caved and messaged him and have been given the brush off yet again. I know chasing him is completely the wrong thing to do but I can't stop myself
To the poster who questioned the ptsd he genuinely does suffer from it due to abusive childhood and he told me himself that he is able to shut his feelings off at drop off hat.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 25/04/2017 15:49

Who hasn't got ptsd of some form or another? Ok, maybe that's a bit sweeping, apologies. I just know I do.

It's a bit convenient for him to lump dickish behaviour under that heading, is all I'm saying.

Have you been obsessive about relationships before?

Original poster
Shoegirly · 25/04/2017 15:56

Yes. My first proper boyfriend,we dated for 9 months and it honestly took me years to get over him. I know am just torturing myself over this guy as he literally went from couldn't lose to me to cutting me off in space of week while at the same time saying he still wants to be friends.
I have made it very clear how I feel about him and he just doesn't give a shit so why do I?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 25/04/2017 22:13

You made it very clear how you felt about him? Well that's a mistake.

Sweeping bloke statement #2: men (tend to) like the chase. Make everything obvious and they lose interest. Nothing to work for, see?

I'm not suggesting playing games. But holding back a bit is always a good plan.

Girlywurly · 25/04/2017 22:24

At least you know where you stand now, OP. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Hope you are not feeling too bad tonight.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 26/04/2017 09:00

Im still hurting but actually feel a bit better for telling him how I feel. He couldn't even give me the courtesy of a reply to say he not interested so that tells me all I need to know.
Have set myself a goal of no contact for a week.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/04/2017 09:13

Yeah I'm in the same situation. Met a great guy, ticked all my boxes but I fucked it up and now he won't even talk to me. I've had the odd blip and messaged him and he just ignores me so I will not let myself contact him again and when I feel stronger I will delete him out of my phone.

I'm 46 and acting like a fucking teenager. I'm so lonely but I don't think
I can do this again, need to find peace on my own to avoid any future hurt as it plays havoc with my mental health. Keep those tips coming :)

Girlywurly · 26/04/2017 10:01

Glad you feel slightly better for having told him how you feel, OP. The standard advice of don't text, keep your head held high, etc - that's all well and good to a point - but sometimes you just have to speak your heart, don't you? I've never told somebody how I felt and regretted it, however things turned out. Dignity is overrated, IMO - I'd much rather have clarity.

Small, achievable targets sounds like the way to go. On the back of this thread, I've decided to keep a tally of my obsessive thoughts and try to reduce it week by week.

Girlywurly · 26/04/2017 10:07

Oh, just thought of another tip...

It helps me to think of the guy I am crushing on as my 'practice man'. I tell myself that the purpose of my relations of him was to rehearse my dating/texting/flirting/bedroom skills in preparation for meeting my 'real man', who will be even sexier, cleverer, funnier, nicer and - naturally - will simply adore me!! Grin

Original poster
Shoegirly · 26/04/2017 17:19

After feeling a bit better today am now wavering again but resisting the urge to stalk online. Why doesn't he like me any more? :(

OP posts:
Biddylee · 26/04/2017 19:19

He probably does still like you - but it hasn't worked out. Let it go and focus on moving on. It will be alright.

And it does take time... I am still having little moments of missing my recent ex even though he wasn't all that Grin.

Timetobookaholiday · 26/04/2017 19:34

That's a nice way of thinking about it girly.
I thought I was unable let someone get close to me again, but he taught me that I can.
Now I'm ready to meet the right guy?

SwimmingMom · 26/04/2017 21:15

Men respond better when you don't chase them. No matter how strong the urge you have to wait for him to come to you. Keep in touch so he remembers the good stuff you had, but wait for him to hit desperation...

springydaffs · 26/04/2017 22:23

What do you mean by keep in touch, Swimming?

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 00:11

Hmm, not sure about that Swimming... In my (admittedly limited) experience, they exit emotionally a long time before they stop wanting to have sex with you. So if they come back, it's for one thing only.

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 00:28

Glad you feel something positive came out of your relationship, Time. Flowers

Mine was the catalyst for some important changes in my life. I asked myself why I found him so irresistibly appealing, and discovered it was largely to do with the job he does (highly skilled humanitarian type stuff). Made me realise I feel the work I do is pointless and frivolous. Slowly changing that now, and it's bringing so much more happiness and meaning to my life, with or without him.

Biddylee · 27/04/2017 07:13

Girly That's great!

My recent ex reminded me that I really like music. I also found tools to deal with anxiety better so I meditate for 15 minutes every day. It is also the first relationship where I walked away because they had a drink problem (I've dated a lot of addicts). The relationship also gave me body confidence. Actually the list of benefits is quite big. So even though it didn't work and at times it still bugs me, it was a brief relationship that has allowed me to grow.

JudeeLevinson · 27/04/2017 07:44

Thanks springydaffs for the tennis racket thing, I used it yesterday and it worked.

OP, this man sounds like a head trip. You don't need this crap.
I too have been ruled by my fanjo, on too many occasions in my past, and when some delicious looking man started acting out I became confused until I realised I was letting their surface appearance allow them to abuse me thoroughly. How shallow of me, I soon woke up after realising the dynamic.

You have to be firm with yourself here, you cannot allow yourself to fancy someone who is so hot and cold with you and doesn't care about you. Pour an ice bucket of cold water on your fanny, either literally or metaphorically, whatever, literally if you really need a message hehe. What are you doing OP, fancying such a man still?

You need to start fancying kind people. Kind people only, you hear? Flowers

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 10:38

Sounds like a lot of good came from that relationship, Biddy, even if it didn't work out.

Original poster
Shoegirly · 27/04/2017 13:43

I am also trying to use the tennis raquet technique. Day two of no contact and still feel crap. Why can't men just end things rather than keep us hanging on or pretending they want to be friends? Just makes it hurt more.
Need to keep telling myself he is not my friend as a friend wouldn't treat me like this and that his issues are no excuse for shitty behaviour.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/04/2017 14:44

I'm also reeling from a guy who appears to be stringing me along - Or was - by not being honest. Or straight. It's so confusing and, for me, triggering.

Just tell it like it is you fucker! Just be straight. Then we all know where we stand.

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 14:56

I was chatting with a male friend last night and he said there are 1. Women you want to be with right now, and 2. Women you want to be with long term. He said that, initially, you get with women who meet the first criteria and then wait to see if, over time, they meet the second one. It got me musing... I think a woman doesn't tend to get with a man unless she's already judges him 'relationship material', yet for him, that question is yet to be answered.. Hence the heartbreak on this thread. Or maybe we just jump in too soon, are led by are hearts, not heads?

Girlywurly · 27/04/2017 14:59

What I mean is, we're probably on probation for a lot longer than we realise! And the whole time, he's talking that sweet talk...

CheersMedea · 27/04/2017 15:33

Not saying you are limerent but I read this recently and if you substitute "your feelings" or "love" or "lust" or whatever works for you for limerence it may help.

Think of limerence as a creature- the limerbeast-that you are battling for control of your mind and emotions. The limerbeast is big and strong and living comfortably in your brain like a hookworm so it's virtually impossible to fight it head-on. I found that the best way to fight it was by small acts of defiance, such as: distracting myself from thinking about LO for a few minutes, resisting the urge to text LO, not looking at her, etc--kind of mental guerilla warfare. I envisioned each little act of defiance putting a dart into the beast. You'll know when the dart goes in because the beast will react badly to the defiance. Over time those little darts take a toll on the beast and you can fight harder. It also makes fighting limerence a little more appealing because you have a tangible enemy to target.