Help me not want him anymore

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Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

Actually I am so glad I'm not alone with this. It's really confusing.

I spoke to my ex and I am seeing him tomorrow. I need to write what I am saying to him - good and bad stuff. I actually think I don't want a relationship at the mo. Trouble is I want sex and am not a one night stand kind of person.

... I need to stay strong and set some boundaries. I can do this!

It's a frickin minefield isn't it? You can do this Biddy but it is so hard to stay strong....after calling me yesterday my ex & I have been msging today (it's 4 mths since we last saw each other yet we're still in regular contact) & he drops in he's booked an all-inclusive 10 day hol...am single mum, don't have funds for that...feels like salt in wounds...oh look Sassy, this is what you could have had! Tell him so and then he's all, oh, have I pissed you off? Um, yes, actually .... Like I said way back on the thread, I wish we all had an "off" switch somewhere so we could stop the feelings and move on....grrr....

Anyway...good luck with the date Anna, hope he's a good one!

I am convinced it's rigid nc that gets them out of our head/heart/nethers.

Tennis racquet - tick
Not looking at fb/texts/comms - tick
Not daydreaming/remembering /ruminating - not quite tick but I do my very very best
Keep busy - tick
Get engrossed in stuff - tick
Go places, see people - I'm on it

My 'ex' - it never was on btw - is American. I actually turned off the radio the other day when an American guy was speaking. Yy sounds nutty but for now I need to do this to expunge him from my psyche.

I am absolutely furious, does it show?

Btw ime it comes and goes. A fatal mistake is to think it's over, the obsession is over, and to think about him in a kind of fond aw way. Fatal - off it goes again.

Have had a bad day. Didn't have any plans as all friends busy so stayed in bed all day. Feel shit,why does he not care anymore? What did I do wrong? The urge to message is very,very strong.

well my date, although not distastrous, wasn't very good (yes I'm home now) and it just reminded me that he wasn't my ex. (actually he was mad). (that's the date not the ex, although he's probably pretty mad too)

Biddy, I hope tomorrow goes ok. Why are you seeing him can I ask? (although I'm pretty sure I'd see mine if he asked).

springy how long since you've seen your ex? It is meant to get easier. They say 21 days is the time it takes to break a habit.

I'm back at home in front of the tv, and feel actually fine. Gin has helped a little bit actually. Long bike ride for me tomorrow (with my club) and hopefully that will be distraction enough.

Don't message Shoe. If it's any help, if you want to get back with him, the tactic is NOT to message. you need to make him miss you.

The theory (to get him back) is that you leave it at least 21 days. Don't contact him at all. You'll get on with your life and maybe realise that you're ok after all. He'll miss you during that time. Contacting him during that time is counterproductive. He'll just remember what a loon you are. 21 days you can do it! so live your life, enjoy it, and then after 21 days (preferably a month) you can think about contact. By that time, you should have moved on and realised how amazing your life really is.

If I could fix this for any of us I'd be a millionaire. Your head and heart are done when they are done.

I was in love w someone for the longest time. He was the polar opposite of my ex - love object was sweet, kind, full of compliments and utterly unreliable. Eventually I realised I no longer found being stood up & let down very sexy. It makes me feel unsafe (& unvalued). Once I stopped finding him attractive the yearning stopped dead in its tracks. Wish I could have magically got there a few years ago.

Basically every time I'd catch myself making excuses for him (which I didn't need to do - he's bloody brilliant at it) I'd say "he would show up as planned if I meant enough to him" ad naseum until it finally sunk in.

Anna I think our relationship ended rather abruptly. I can't help feeling there is stuff I need to say. It's all a bit messy. I really thought he wasn't that into me... but he has contacted me nearly every week since we properly split. I have written out what I need to say to him. Positives and negatives. I mean to handle things with kindness. It's easy to look at the other side and thing they are a total arsehole. He does have life issues though and I don't want to get caught up in stopping him sort himself out.

Sassyn Thanks for the encouragement. Trying to figure out what I want, what I can cope with... I will keep you all posted!

I stayed in bed the whole day yesterday and planning to do the same today. At least that way the weekend is over with. Yes I do want him back and I don't even know why really as I know he is not good for me. How do I get him back?

You don't Shoe. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be by your side. Every single one of us on this thread does. But we come up against these man-child types and we convince ourselves, if only I do x, y, z then he'll want me etc...sadly you could be a chameleon and constantly change to fit in with what you think he wants but it's not you that's the problem, it's him and we can't go about saving them or getting them to see the light etc, because men like them never do. I hope that doesn't come across as being harsh, I really don't mean it to, but you know what? You, me & everyone here is worth more than trying to get the weekend over with. Am sending (((hugs))) & happiness your way and will leave this here

I can identify with you all. I feel absolutely bonkers for feeling like this (you're not all bonkers though).
I was the one who said I didn't want to see him at the moment after I had been let down by him again when he said he wanted to see me. It made me feel wanted and then rejected repeatedly. That was 4 months ago! He wanted to keep in contact and try again later and has sporadically contacted me and now silence again for two weeks. My gut feeling is I won't hear from him again. I had something happen I told him about and I've got a feeling that was his end. I really want to message him and ask but I think no contact really is the way forward.
I'm just amazed that I'm still so obsessively thinking about him. I just can't seem to move on. I'm having counselling sessions now as I'm so messed up over it.
I hope you will all be okay today.
I do lots of walking which kind of helps.

Jessica

Thanks so much Sassy, I really needed your pep talk today.
I'm trying to work out why I think this guy is such a catch.

I am in the same boat Jessica so empathise entirely (4 mths ago....msging etc still) but I am beginning to reach a tipping point...I am worth more than the crap he puts me through....I want to set a strong example to my DD....and life is incredibly short and incredibly precious to waste it over someone who can't and won't offer us what we need and want! I am very definitely wearing my big girl pants today and they suit me, LOL! But it's not easy and I might wobble, but today? Onwards. Upwards. Forwards! x

I think we need a getting over the ex support thread :D.

Lots of hand holding. It will be alright.

I am also in counselling, meditation and learning to say no to stuff I don't want to do.

Onwards and upwards.

Don't forget 'Forwards' Biddy

Absolutely right Sassy, I think we should all pull on our big girls pants for the afternoon.
I've got an extremely big pair which come up round my waist so I'm going to go and dig them out.

HELP! He just messaged me this "hi just a text to say hello and what are you up to?" Do I reply or not? I am thinking not as last text I sent was telling him I still loved him and he just ignored it.

That smacks of control Shoe. Doesn't respond to your emotional text but doesn't want to let you think he has forgotten you entirely. It's about his convenience. If it was me, with my big girl pants on today, I would be turning my phone off, ignoring him, and would be putting myself firmly back in control. How dare he ignore your "I love you" and then drop in "what are you up to"....pfft!!! Imagine I just posted this Shoe, what would you tell me to do?

I know,part of me is thinking what a selfish dick! Plus it was the "just" but that put my back up as I think he meant it as a dont get your hopes up. It's a Sunday and he is bored so messaging me. I will NOT message him back. How long is it acceptable to make him wait? It was five days ago I sent the I still love you message.

You can say that you are waiting for the response to the 'i love you' text (Actually probably best not to!)

I am probably not the best person to ask as totally failing on the ex front.

Right lovely Shoe, you have hit the nail fairly on the head...he is bored...he hasn't got anything....ooh, I know, lets pull Shoe's chain, make sure she'll still come running when I call....and the "just" bit got my back up too on your behalf! Don't msg him! Don't also put a time limit on any response. Ignore him as long as you can. It's not about game playing, it's about giving yourself the respect that you absolutely deserve and which he isn't giving you!

bloody hell these big girl pants have turned me into Kickass Sassy!

Hi so do I just ignore or should I block? Text was on messanger so he could still contact me on my mobile if he really wanted to? But he doesn't want to,does he? Not really. Ok have done five days so will try and make it to a week :)