Help me not want him anymore

[Shoegirly]

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

Same to you too Jessica, glad you've had a reasonable day. Also been by the sea. It's the one place I can go to and know I will be able to breathe iykwim? The sea is very good for my soul! And that hurt will def fade eventually lovely!

I so nearly looked him up on fb today! Gasp! I astound myself..

Here's the thinking 'hmm wonder how/where he is (he's traveling). I've calmed down now, don't think of him often lies. I could just look. I need to keep up to date in case... '

In case WHAT?!? There are billions of people on the planet, he happens to be one of them ; he lives thousands of miles from me did I consider moving out there oh yes I did. There's no ' in case ' about it.

Thankfully I pulled back in time.

So sorry to hear others are struggling with sleep. I really do think rigid nc, no feeding this thing on any level, starves it in the end and it dies a death. I don't think we can stop the meandering thoughts that slither around under the surface - can't stop the birds flying over your head but you can stop them nesting in your hair - but we can develop awareness to stop them when we realise. No dithering now.

Springy that post made me really smile It's so hard sometimes keeping strong but sounds like you have got it cracked! Loving the birds nest analogy!!!

Good way of looking at it.

Yes, that made me think too about there being billion of people on the planet. I think it takes time to gradually get it in to perspective. We can all be happy again. I think I'm struggling to accept that this is all happening in my 40's, although he has behaved like a 16 year old.

Gosh yes Jessica, also early 40's....I really thought I would have been past this stage by now

Although I'm trying not to think about him, I am finding it useful now I've taken off my rose tinted glasses and put on my reading glasses to realise some things he said were 'interesting' like his 16 year old dd was a pain as she was upset over the divorce and his ex never looked forward to him coming home. I've started wondering if he's seeing someone else now but I'm not sure he's EI enough to realise he'll need to change his behaviour for a future relationship to work.

He certainly doesn't sound like he has the highest EQ Jessica. Rose tinted glasses are good things to pack away! From feeling stronger, I now feel I am in a whirlpool of emotions right now. I think I need to turn my phone off and go to bed and try and switch off from it all!

I think some of time is a good idea Sassy, I had an interupted nights sleep, woke up upset which then changed to strength and determination to rise above this and move on.
I realised that a coward doesn't reply to a message of closure and after a recent situation (involving a man I reported to the police), he gave me no support where others did and I need people in my life who care about me, not who leave me feeling worse.
I also realised I will embrace who I am and what I do, although I will reflect and learn from experiences, I'm not going to question myself on something that everyone else in my life is supporting me with but I have questioned because I thought I needed validation from one man on it.
Onwards and upwards ladies, we must not let these men drag us down to their level of where they are at in life.

Actions speak louder than words.

Cheering you on Jessica. Your post really is all the validation you need...you are putting yourself first and just as importantly you are showing yourself supreme kindness and nurturing. Fantastic!

Less than 4hrs sleep this end. I need to learn the art of switching off overnight! But that's not all due to this, other life stuff going on....early night and no phone tonight though!

Also had a crap night's sleep here. Have been up since 4am. Just feeling really sad today and sobbing. But I think this is a phase I need to go through.

I'm looking forward to being back at work tomorrow so I'm distracted.
Think I need to stay away from alcohol, it doesn't help me at all. I did send him an email this morning - sobbed all over it. I think he needs to know how hurtful his behaviour is. I don't know if it will go in (probably not).

springy I nearly did the social media thing too. But resisted. It doesn't help us in the end.

Jessica you are sounding stronger I think. I am not at all strong today, but know I will be.

Absolutely, it is about taking care of yourself. I think also turning your fear and pain into your strength to go on and be better.

Sassy, hope you get more sleep, that definitely helps.

I never had him on social media but the other day he popped up on people I might know on fb (I don't really use now) which is what prompted me to message him. I think it did me a favour. When I feel more distant I need to delete him from coming up on it.
I think sometimes you have to message to get it out your system.
I'm not going to lower myself to contact him again. I need to use my energy and focus on me and getting back to fabulous.

Anna (((huge hugs))) & but def no Sorry to hear you are sad today.

Thanks Jessica, me too 😫

Yes wine helps me in the evenings, but not so much with my sleep and the next day

I've done some mindfulness (buddhify app) and it def helps. I find the early mornings the worse.

I wonder whether I'll hear from him tomorrow. Unfortunately I've gone through this several times before and he does come back, sometimes within days sometimes after a few weeks.

Counsellor on Tuesday which really helps.

Well done everyone on the self care. Definitely ditch the booze - apart from running the risk of getting in touch when you shouldn't be, it really does add to the feelings of being blue.

I recommend meditation - mindfulness - too.

I am also looking at whether my hormones are having an impact - due to being 44, having had an odd period this month and a few days with a rather black cloud hanging over me (which is unusual) (perimenopause anyone?). Also the whole crazyness of my feelings over the ex- it makes more sense if it's my body being crazy :D

Anyway... about him - I'm letting him contact me, not paying too much attention (and not worrying about it). He seems really keen and keeps saying how he missed me and how much he is looking forward to seeing me. It's weird. There is still the fact he is a functioning alcoholic -but he does seem to be working on his issues.

I still don't think we are suited...

And sorry I'm not on much for continuing support to you guys (and cheering you on and hand holding). My internet is down and has been down for the last few days. Will be back soon.

Biddy Thank you for mentioning meditation again. I've got a book and CD by Mark Williams which is an 8 week course of mindfulness meditation. I think I'm going to start that now, go to counselling and get my DS through his GCSE exams. Then see where I'm at in life.!
I've been watching You tube clips on good food for depression, I have most of them daily which I think helps me. Worth a look.

A functioning alcoholic?? Do you mean an alcoholic who hides it well when out in public?

What happens when he's a functioning alcoholic in private? Because an alcoholic is an alcoholic, with all the misery that entails for those close. Relentless misery. Never ending. The only thing for a 'functioning' alcoholic is to stop - there's no in between.

Sorry for lecture though

I'm getting a real strong drag to look at his fb. It will pass but blimey it's strong!

Yes, any alcoholic issues bring more issues (I used to work for an alcohol service).
I was reading various articles about relationships with police people, I'm sure there are many lovely but I think this one and all his other issues would have been a bad idea.
I've also been watching YouTube clips about Limerance. I've definitely got issues with that.

springy Yep - it's the alcoholic who goes to work, does a job, has a life, etc but drinks lots in the evening which affect their mental health. And when there seems to be no take it or leave it. And yes, the only way he can really deal with his drink problem is stopping (which he is reluctant to do).

Another great tool for improving well being is writing a list of gratitude a couple of times a week. It's a good reminder of life's good stuff.

Yes re gratitude list! Reboots somehow.. Really powerful.

I try to do a gratitudes list every day and affirmations too. really helpful.

I've been using the buddhify app alot - have found this good at lessening my anxiety.

Bizarrely ex got in touch today as though nothing happened on Friday at all. I feel more detached today anyway, he's mad i think.

I do a gratitude list too as soon as I wake up. I read an interesting article on Tiny Buddha today about being heart broken and getting to a better place.
These men are mad, utterly mad.
How did you respond Anna?