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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
SassynSane · 05/05/2017 07:20

Oh Anna, hugs & Flowers I think psychologically you needed it to be you that did the unfollowing when you were ready so that you were in control of your subsequent feelings. He has, unwittingly, removed that control which has left you in a state of emotional flux hence you feeling irrational. And you messaging. I hope you're ok.

FindingJessica · 05/05/2017 07:30

Anna, I don't think that is irrational, I think it's a valid reaction to someone taking an exit from your life and you have a right to be upset.
I've been awake since 4am, processing my realisation of how I've been used and treated (with lack of care and disrespect from a grown man who said he wanted a future with me). I've realised it's going to take some time for me to get over this and put my heart back together (due to my past) but I will and I'll put it back together better than it was before.

AnnaNimmity · 05/05/2017 08:21

YOu sound as though you're making progress jessica - I also know that we'll all be better for this, emerge stronger and having learned from the experience.

I want to get there too - today I'm reeling because he's unfollowed me and blocked me everywhere, and when we left it last week, it wasn't like this. Perhaps I thought we did have a chance and now he won't even contact me.

So I need to pick myself up and start again on the recovery journey.

SassynSane · 05/05/2017 08:22

I've realised it's going to take some time for me to get over this and put my heart back together (due to my past) but I will and I'll put it back together better than it was before

Jessica amen to that! 😊

SassynSane · 05/05/2017 08:26

The fact that we recognise we're on a journey and however much it hurts, we're determined to learn from it and be stronger because of it, means we will be in the right place to find someone we actually deserve. And we'll be happier in the end. The ex's? Not so much!

FindingJessica · 05/05/2017 09:11

Amen Sassy, I'm so grateful you're all on here even if I don't know you.
You will be okay Anna, you really will.
These men are so careless and hurtful. The man I was seeing took so little time to really get to know me, I'm thinking of telling him how much hurt he's caused but maybe I'll just let him go on to the next woman who might not let him off so lightly.
Keep on today super lovely ladies.

Biddylee · 05/05/2017 09:56

sassy Yes - I'm glad I found out where he was and that all was well Grin

anna I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. I made sure I told my ex when I took him off my Facebook, etc - I like to handle things with kindness and compassion and felt that it shouldn't be a surprise.

As a little self healing exercise, I find having a chat with my heart is good. Something along the lines of 'I know your feeling pain and it doesn't make sense but it will be alright. You are loved' Best to not say it out loud on the bus though! Grin

These situations although hard are part of a learning curve. I am not feeling particularly anxious about what's happening with me and my ex. It is almost extraordinary for me to see such a reduction in obsessing. I still have an underlying sad feeling but I have to recognise my life has been a rollercoaster over the last year (left a job that gave me bad anxiety, landed a dream job, left an 8 year (very dead) relationship and got involved with this brief but intense relationship with my ex ).

I am a work in progress. :D

SassynSane · 05/05/2017 10:17

And the key word there is progress and it sounds like you are making some really good progress Biddy! I like your heart chat idea, I might adopt that one 😊

FindingJessica · 05/05/2017 14:23

I think we're all making process.

I've had a chat with two male friends, one said men will often subtly mess things up if they don't feel good enough to be with you and another said men try not to think so they just blindly do stuff. Big sigh.

AnnaNimmity · 05/05/2017 14:29

My ex has been unbelievably cruel today. No rational explanation for it

I'm going to move on

Enough!

FindingJessica · 05/05/2017 16:37

Anna, I'm there with you today!
Feeling very down (and tired).
I'm reminding myself I've been really upset over men in the past and then something clicks and I realise what a complete idiot they were. Usually at that point they get back in contact
My 50 year old friend said 3 years ago he went straight out post divorce dating before he was ready, didn't spend time recovering so is still out looking.
This time will pass.

SassynSane · 05/05/2017 17:00

Not been sleeping well this end and tiredness def doesn't help things! Anna there is no excuse for out-and-out cruelty. Sorry you have been treated so badly today Flowers

Jessica insightful comments from your guy friends. And you are so right. This time too shall pass.

FindingJessica · 06/05/2017 08:13

Yes, a good sleep (like last night's helps).
I didn't wake up sad today, I woke up remembering what a horrible person he is for 'ghosting' me (I thought I would get better communication and respect from a policeman). He has to live with himself and how he has behaved towards me.
I hope you're all okay on here and have a good weekend.

SassynSane · 06/05/2017 08:40

Hmm...hate to say it Jessica but through some of my friends, it seems that policemen can be some of the worst when it comes to relationships Confused Very glad to hear you're feeling less sad and more resolute. I had an awful night (awake from 3am and last time I looked at the clock it was coming up to 6am) so feeling fragile in more ways than one today. But determined to have a happy day with my DD Smile today!

FindingJessica · 06/05/2017 08:45

Another thing my post divorce male friend said (and I've read) is that men often feel they have failed post divorce, they jump into another relationship too soon to feel better, that can then fail because they aren't ready which makes them feel worse and on they go on to another..

AnnaNimmity · 06/05/2017 08:48

hi all, I feel ok today too. Not a brilliant night's sleep, but that was down to the gin I think.

ex phoned me yesterday evening and was pretty vile. I got angry with him which I think is a good sign. Still feel angry but not pining for him now. I'm going to enjoy the weekend with my dcs too. and try and catch up on sleep.

FindingJessica · 06/05/2017 08:49

Oh Sassy, sorry to read you had a bad night. Yes, focus on DD today. I felt so awful yesterday my DS (16) had to make his own dinner so I'm determined to be better today.
Thanks for the reassurance, yes, I've also been told that policeman really struggle with relationships, this one has an added job to it so I think he will struggle with anyone anyway.

SassynSane · 06/05/2017 08:55

Hmmm...mine was 13yrs post divorce...doubt that was his issue...but yes, prob best to avoid newly divorced men. I was chatting to someone on wife no. 2 who admitted when he came out from his 1st marriage as he had been monogamous for so long, he was in his own words horrible. He literally spent 2-3yrs shagging around to get it all out of his system before feeling ready to settle again. He freely admits he broke some hearts and he knows he was utterly selfish but it didn't stop him at the time! Hmm

SassynSane · 06/05/2017 08:58

God your ex sounds like a peach Anna! Sorry he was vile to you Sad but hang on to how horrible he has been recently to you!

Jessica am sure today will be a better day for you, hope DS made you some too Wink

FindingJessica · 06/05/2017 09:31

That was horrible of him Anna, I'm glad you're angry, I think that's a good emotion at this stage. He now has to live with himself to after getting so awful. We will deserve a better day and at least we seek out others as on here. Most troubled men just go into their cave alone.

Blueshoess · 06/05/2017 12:32

I love how this thread has taken on a life of its own and sisters are supporting each other, its great. I think its too easy for people from the outsiders perspective to say 'get over it/him/her' so glad to see everyone getting the support and encouragement they deserve.

I've recently called time on a situation (I say I, he has left the country for 3 months but he'll be back) and I feel like I'm doing well, NC is fine for me as I know he's over seas so he's kind of out of sight out of mind. The difficulty is that I can't stop dreaming really vividly about him. Like to the point where I wake up exhausted because my sleep is so broken. Iam waking up feeling pissed off that he's showing his face in my dreams, I can't escape the flake!

Girlywurly · 06/05/2017 12:55

Yep, of only it were so easy just to 'get over it'!

Those dreams sound really exhausting and upsetting, blueshoes. He must have had a quite a profound impact on you to embed in your unconscious that way. Sorry you're going through that. Flowers

Blueshoess · 06/05/2017 18:00

Thanks girly. I think he caught me at a time in my life where I'd been feeling quite isolated and stressed, issues with past personal relationships coming to the surface, body confidence issues etc. Then he came along - successful professional athlete, charming but elusive, intelligent etc. I put him on this pedestal of wow, look at this dreamy Canadian pro athlete who could have his pick of anyone and hes fucking me! Its a hard habit to quit after months of what now I can see as my need for validation that iam worthy.
It helps that he's not in my city anymore, and I've managed to go NC. I don't particularly like him as a person anymore so I can't understand why he's in my dreams pretty much every night. They are not sexual dreams or dreams of anger, but dreams where he is opening up to me/declaring his feelings. Its really weird, I sound crazy.
He'll be back in my city come August and I'm just hoping this will all pass by that point, because he might reach out again for a casual fuck. And at this point, even though I said I don't particularly like him..I probably still would.

SassynSane · 06/05/2017 19:15

Hi all. Hope everyone has got through Saturday ok? Blue hoping that the 3 mths til Aug gets you to a point of strength Flowers

Jessica hope you've been better today? And made your dinner Wink

Anna hope you've enjoyed your day with your DCs.

Had lovely aft with DD and been out and busy. Home now and always get a bit twitchy on a Sat eve...and my mind wanders...but am reasonably ok I think Smile

FindingJessica · 06/05/2017 20:25

Blue, sounds like you've got a good understanding of the situation so I think NC will give you even more clarity, it has for me in the past.
Glad you had a good day Sassy, the dips definitely do come. I've been out along the sea front with a friend who really helped. Even he (as a man) said the no reply behaviour was weird. That really still hurts and I think it will for some time as it had been a 6 month thing. I know the hurt will fade though.