Help me not want him anymore

[Shoegirly]

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

My self esteem is alright but my boundaries have been quite rubbish. I am now more aware of what that means to have strong boundaries and I will be trying to put that in place. I do sometimes catch myself saying something negative about myself and I wonder where that comes from.

Finding I am not going to give my ex too much opportunity to make me feel crap. That is, if it doesn't feel right for me, I'll call quits on it.

Biddy I will remind you of your words if it doesn't feel right for me, I'll call quits on it if I need to in the future. They are good words!!

I think we have to learn through the loneliness. You're spot on Sassy.
I've deleted but I have the number somewhere. It just stops me impulsively messaging him.
I think you can't win if you've got low self esteem. It doesn't matter how you look. I'm worried that because I model and he's seen quite a few of my pictures he doesn't want to go out with me because he must think I'm egotistical, there are public pictures of me in swimwear or he wants someone 'normal'.
I wonder if when men treat you badly/are unavailable it's actually their self esteem / commitment issues.

sassy Hope you find your big girl pants.

It's really, really hard and making the break is difficult (and I haven't succeeded). But I'm cheering you all on ladies. Lots of hand holding offered.

sassy Thanks. I will need reminding.

Finding Some unavailable men have low self esteem. They think they aren't good enough so don't open up in case they get hurt.

Sorry today's so hard, Sassy. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. And thank you for your kind words and good advice. It's really helping.

I'm the opposite, Biddy. My boundaries have actually been quite strong - as far as he's concerned he was decisively terminated months ago. But internally I can't stop obsessing!

All hand holding and virtual hugs gratefully received this end today!

Jessica it is all about their issues, but what we do is turn it into our issue and there lies the crux. Other women go, nah, sod that & walk on. We go but why? What have I done, what can I do to make this right? Truth is nothing, but we beat ourselves up trying....and it sucks! Sorry - need to channel fiery Sassy again!

Thanks Girly

I had a wobble today too and very nearly replied. Part of me what's to keep contact going just in case.... but then I read his shirty just saying hello message again and reminded myself that he didnt have the decency to respond to the I still lover you message and that he was just bored. I deserve to be treated better and I cannot fix him.

Have been feeling a little wobbly about my decision today. I have decided to act as if I am doing no contact with him. so that I don't get stressed if he doesn't mail/text. But I have a feelings I'm going to nip this in the bud. It's seems to have given me a bit more clarity about what I want and what I need to do.

What a perfect post. I don't think you realise how many people are in the same situation as yourself. I'm in limbo at the moment with the guy I'm seeing.

He shows signs of wanting more than a casual relationship, then two seconds later we're reminding each other we're not a couple.

My friends say he's only being cold because I am quite cold so he is waiting for me to maybe open up first so I don't think he's soft (makes sense because it is something we joke about, but I'm never actually serious). I'm trying to find the right words/time to tell him I am developing feelings for him, but I think it'll probably scare him off.

Virtual hugs to all of you trying to forget a d*ck head!! I will probably be back reading this thread using some of the techniques mentioned in a couple of days!

This is a great thread - if 'great' is the right word for strung out agony...

Two things crossed my path in the last few days about this: one was Jane Bennett trying to get over Mr Bingley. She says to Elizabeth "I shall be myself again soon" - and many other things I can't remember, all so well illustrating our plight [I've gone all Jane Austen in my language!]. It turned out alright for her in the end but no mistaking she was in the strung out agony club for a fair while there.

The other was a bit woo, along the lines of a woman who meditated /prayed for half an hour every day and it effectively "removed the hook from her heart" of an unavailable man. I liked the phrasing there.

I can relate to an element of awe in my feelings for 'my' [< not!] unavailable man. Perhaps that's the hook?

Hugely let the thread, the side, and myself down After being fired up and def on the Onwards, Upwards, Forwards path past few days, my major wobble proved too much and we got back in contact last night...sigh...Springy the unavailability is sadly a huge hook! For me at least. Need to go read the thread from the start and breathe and focus!

Aw Sassy. No finger pointing here my lovely

There were quite a few self help books back in the day about unavailable men. By jove, I do think that's the clue: unavailability! And awe a close second..

With the desire to "fix" them providing the holy trinity....yep, we got it down, I, at least, need to take our very good insight and advice and put it into practice!

Thanks Springy. That's made me feel better

I don't think you've let the thread down by being in contact but I think it is getting what you need that's important, I think just being on here is good enough.

I've had a good session with my counsellor this evening. I'm really trying to work through my 'not being worthy / good enough' issues in the hope of meeting a man who treats me well (and I'm attracted to). It's a very long journey to him!

That's wonderful Jessica, so pleased to hear that! And thank you 😊

So I finally got the text from him after 4 days of me being nc, saying that I was obviously not talking to him now. Luckily he's finally agreed to stop asking me to keep things on without any feeling for for each other. Said hopes we can still be friends.
I replied, as his he finally has let me go. Said hopefully we can be friends in a few months.
Had a good day, I was dreading he would want to try and talk again, and that never goes well!
Just keep reminding myself I will find someone who will love me back, and that is what I deserve.

Sounds like a very good day Timeto and a very good outcome. You also sound in a very positive place right now, long may that continue!

Good for you Timeto. We all deserve someone to love and who will love us back. I'm starting to believe that when you realise that and believe it, that person starts to make their way to you.

Sassy - don't be so hard on yourself - tomorrow is another day and a fresh start. If it makes you feel any better I've just sent a text as well and he probably won't reply so not sure what I am hoping to achieve.

Liking your positive vibes Jessica!

Thanks pw. Tough this dating lark isn't it? Especially when we choose to swim with Great Whites...all sleek and sharp and sexily dangerous until we're on the end of those dead behind the eyes stares and bloody sharp teeth....here's to fresh starts tomorrow

The best way is keep yourself busy and time. Easier said then done. And also try to understand men or human nature. The more you push and nag, the more the person goes in opposite direction. A lot of men pull back in early stages of dating and it's how you handle it makes the biggest difference on what usually happens. Most women freak out and try to hold on to the man more (or it could be the opposite and girl pulling back as mad tries to hold tight). Anyway, this sort of behaviour pushes the person further away. But if you let go and let the person have the space they seem to want (but in a nice way, not, fine if you don't want to spend every minute w me its over!). But "ah you are busy the next 2 weekends? That's cool, I can use some time to myself and I've been invited to a few events." And then go radio silent and work on yourself...do things that you want to do, keep yourself busy. Get a life if you don't have one (hang out w friends, your kids, do a hobby). Basically enjoy. If your partner doesn't get in touch after, move on. Ain't worth heartache over someone who doesn't feel the same for you. But most of the time they come back. For example have you noticed when you are not interested in someone, they seem to get more interested? For example, I dated a few guys and when I wasn't into them I didn't care if they didn't call or cancelled plans bc of work etc. I was actually happy about it....and they could see that or hear from my voice. Anyway, made the men chase after and put more effort. Until finally I would just let them down gently When I realised I wasn't interested.

After feeling a little wobbly yesterday, I decided that I need to treat the situation as a no contact. It might be that now I am available, I'm not so interesting. I also do think I will need to nip it in the bud. As much as I like my ex, I'm not convinced we are the best match. And I shouldn't be looking for someone who is sort of alright but someone who is a much better fit.