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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 13:48

i'm wobbling today too - not in the way that I'm going to make contact with him, but because I just feel sad about how it's all ended up. He's left me in limbo but I need to move on. I don't really know how to though. I'm hoping just time achieves this for me.

springy info on the meditation would be really helpful at this juncture.

I did have a very helpful session with my therapist yesterday and felt really positive! I wish I could see her every day.

AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 13:50

Biddy how did you leave it with him?

I think that mamabear makes a good point - they are more likely to come chasing us if we don't contact them. I'm not sure that really helps me much though, I need to get this man out of my life (and my head!) for good I think.

FindingJessica · 03/05/2017 13:52

I think that's a good decision Biddy.
I'm feeling much stronger today. I think with the right man we wouldn't be in this position or the right man would be contacting us and coming to get us. We're worth more than this.

FindingJessica · 03/05/2017 13:54

I'm just the same Anna!

AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 14:41

the last I heard from my guy, he said he loved me but needed some time alone (and I agree, he does need time alone - he's a mess -because of other stuff that's gone on in his life. ). I just don't really know what that actually means.

My friends are saying I need to disentangle myself from him as he's no good for me. I'd love to have a switch so I can do this.

too much navel gazing today.

SassynSane · 03/05/2017 15:00

Ah yes, the elusive off switch....Flowers for all...wobbly days suck! It also feels like we're treading water too don't you think? And that's a real shame as other things and people are passing us by....

AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 15:22

well yes, I find myself just being a spectator in my life at times, wishing time away, wishing people away so that I can be alone. I've been crap at work today and have a splitting headache.

I need to get on with my wonderful life.

Tomorrow I will Smile

Biddylee · 03/05/2017 17:01

Anna It is the feeling sadness that I can not bare.

I haven't spoken to the ex. I just said thank you for the time we spent and mentioned I am free in two weeks. He replied but didn't confirm. I will see what happens - maybe me being interested will make him hide Grin. Anyway, I do think I need to ditch him and be firm about it - like tell him to get rid of all the pics of me - I think he looks at them a lot (wanting his cake and eating it!!)

sassy offering some hand holding.

It's alright to wobble. I realised I feel terribly guilty about wobbling and ashamed that I was weak and not wanting to tell anyone. But that's not a good attitude to have towards myself. So a little bit of talking to my heart and being kind to myself has been helpful.

Ladies we will get there.

AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 17:08

I listened to a meditation app today (buddhify) and feel a bit better actually.

It's ok to feel sad according to that - pushing the feeling away isn't helpful or something.

I need to take charge of my guy and tell him to leave my life. I know that. But I don't feel strong enough at the moment, and I'm therefore in limbo while he decides what he wants to do. Which can't be right.

DancingGoose · 03/05/2017 17:19

I'm prone to getting like this over a bloke too. My god it's torturous!

I've found the only thing that helps me move on from this is making myself face all the awful feelings of rejection, sadness and disappointment. And face my biggest fears of being stuck on my own forever, not feeling good enough, why don't they like me enough etc etc. I have a good bawl over it (sometime over several days), let myself feel like shit and then somehow I start to come out the other side and I can feel their hold start to lessen over me.

It's actually you keeping yourself hooked, not them. Their on/off behaviour has tapped into some part of you which fears something (probably abandonment) and until you face it that hook will stay hooked. Good luck.

FindingJessica · 03/05/2017 17:40

I'm there with you on being in Limbo, the sadness, disappointment, fear of rejection and being alone.
You're right (and I said to my counsellor yesterday), you / I need to go into your sadness to emerge the other side. I think we should also acknowledge and accept that we are normal female human beings with feelings that are valid when we've been treated as we have been.

DancingGoose · 03/05/2017 17:46

The funny thing is - once you have faced all those feelings and fears you actually feel way less of a reject and loser woman because you are able to regain some control. And the best bit - think clearly without a fuzzy head!

omg i still remember that moment when i found i could make a decision about it without battling the head fuzz of pain surrounding it all. it was fucking fantastic.

FindingJessica · 03/05/2017 19:15

There is a bizarre psychology to some of it though. I wasn't even initially physically attracted to this guy initially, in fact I can remember thinking I didn't find him at all attractive at first and being disappointed I didn't.

Biddylee · 03/05/2017 19:24

finding I have been in a relationship where I did not find the guy attractive but was manipulated into falling for him. I could see what he might become rather than what he was. I was at a really vulnerable time in my life which meant I found it hard to leave the relationship.

Anna I have been using Headspace app. Really helpful and I am doing 15 minute meditations.

DancingGoose · 03/05/2017 19:26

I think it happens when you go against your initial gut feeling about the guy. like you say you give them a chance even though they are not that attractive or XYZ {insert reason}. so you override your own boundary and you're out on an emotional limb, needing them to close the gap to make it worth you giving them the chance. they sense the vulnerability of your position and and then either back off or start to play games with you.

AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 19:39

biddy and dancing I didn't initially find my ex attractive either and then he rather love bombed me. I don't like how I became around him really, especially over the last couple of months. Maybe I'm more infatuated than in love

I've spent too much time thinking about how he's feeling rather than me, and I need to think about what I want for a bit.

We did spend a lot of time together and messaging and that's left a gap in my life though.

FindingJessica · 03/05/2017 19:51

I was 'love bombed' as well which is what drew me in.
I've had a sudden change of heart tonight. I'm thinking of messaging him to ask if he does ever want to see me again.I'd like to know either way now so I can move on.

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 21:02

I think it happens when you go against your initial gut feeling about the guy.

Yes!

SassynSane · 03/05/2017 21:06

Thanks Biddy 😊

Hmmm....there is definitely another pattern emerging. I was also not attracted immediately to mine and was also love bombed at the start. The minute I changed and dropped all my barriers things started to change. And that is their flaw - they have to have us because initially they know we're not that into them so we're highly prized, but then they get us and they begin to lose interest...

Jessica if you feel that you will get an honest answer and if you are prepared to deal with what that answer may be, then I hope it brings you peace. Good luck Flowers

Girlywurly · 03/05/2017 21:11

I think it happens when you go against your initial gut feeling about the guy.

This is a really interesting theory. Hadn't thought about it before. There was a very big red flag on the first date with 'my' guy (he told me a horrible story about having walked out on another woman because she hadn't looked as good as he'd hoped/expected). I remember thinking 'That's really, really nasty. Won't have anything more to do with this one'... Except I did. Low self-esteem I suppose. I was flattered I'd met his approval.

Feel a fair bit of self-disgust just writing that.

Girlywurly · 03/05/2017 21:12

Yes, good luck Jessica. Flowers

Girlywurly · 03/05/2017 21:17

I think we should also acknowledge and accept that we are normal female human beings with feelings that are valid when we've been treated as we have been.

This too. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of how emotional I am, but then I think I'd rather feel something than nothing. What I mean is, I'm glad I have this capacity to feel, if that makes any sense...

FindingJessica · 03/05/2017 21:18

Yup, you're spot on. I've messaged him to ask where we're at. I've decided I'm not being left in limbo, I deserve better. I'm prepared to deal with myself with the answer and if he doesn't respond tomorrow then his silence will answer. I've had enough. If he doesn't want me then someone else who I like will, when I eventually meet them. In the early days, there was a point at which I wasn't going to bother to message him back as I wasn't interested so it's mad how I've got to this stage. There really are other decent guys out there amongst the idiots.

FindingJessica · 03/05/2017 21:23

You ladies make such good points. I'm starting to understand just what happened.

Girlywurly · 03/05/2017 21:24

Sounds like a really positive step, Jessica. One way or another, it'll move things on for you, I hope.