Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not want him anymore

337 replies

Shoegirly · 24/04/2017 15:00

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

OP posts:
SassynSane · 03/05/2017 21:27

Jessica good for you! You're sounding v positive and it suits you! 😊

Girly you shouldn't feel ashamed of your emotions, it really is far better to feel than not!

Timetobookaholiday · 03/05/2017 21:49

Dancing you make a point that really made me think. I did go against something I believed in to date him, and then he knew that and then knew he could then control the relationship.
Then as I had gone out on a limb so much, and invested myself, I felt I like I had to make it work.
Never go against your principles is the answer to this one.

FindingJessica · 04/05/2017 06:09

That is an interesting theory and I think it makes sense. I think he knew I wasn't interested at first and that I was a good 'catch' for him then he knew I'd been drawn in. Silence now!

FindingJessica · 04/05/2017 06:20

I think (I suspect the radio silence today)I have my answer so I can move on. I had a dream about him and woke up feeling horrible. I realised I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I wake up feeling so horrible about.

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 06:45

Hmmm...a certain type are all about the chase. Ditto, just woken from a dream about mine! Unsettling that even my unconscious mind is clearly in turmoil. Silence is crap, he should have the guts to be honest either way and if he was a decent human being who had any real feelings for you, then he wouldn't leave you in silence which is deafening. I hope you're ok Jessica Flowers

FindingJessica · 04/05/2017 07:40

Thank you Sassy, it seems we're all on quite a journey together.
I need to go through this to move on. I want a fulfilling relationship with someone.
His job is protecting the public (and being brave), he hasn't managed this with me though. I suspect I was his post separation ego boost.
I hope you're okay too.

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 08:19

I am just going to leave this here...it's something that is really moving me at the moment! You deserve to be someone's happy ending, not their boost!

AnnaNimmity · 04/05/2017 10:10

Sassy thanks for that - I listened to that song on the radio this morning too!

Have been practising mindfulness - it's really helpful. About allowing your feelings and not pushing them away. It's ok to be sad!

Haven't heard from my ex although he's back from hols now. Just keeping on keeping on. it'll be ok I think.

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 14:17

Definitely ok to be sad Anna, I think the trick for us all is to let go of the sadness sooner than we all do. Glad the mindfulness is helping Flowers

Biddylee · 04/05/2017 14:22

Well my brain is generally being good about my situation. I find taking a relaxed approach is working well for me.

The ex did message me last night (during the big what's ap breakdown) I messaged back this morning and have heard nothing - have archived the messages so I don't look at them. I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting. Actually I need to adjust my expectations to having no expectations. That feels better.

Jessica well done on sending the message. I hope you can start to be on the path to something better.

Anna it is good to sit with the feelings. I hope you hear from your ex and that it will be helpful for you to let go.

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 14:53

Ah....so that's what it was Biddy, I thought my phone had given up the ghost! Didn't realise it was a whole WhatsApp outage....grrrr....

Glad you are ok and your relaxed approach is working Smile

FindingJessica · 04/05/2017 17:35

Thanks Sassy and Biddy. I'll listen to it at home. Very sad that he hasn't bothered responding but I needed some closure and this is it.
It's sad to think that someone can treat you like that but it shows their real personality. I think very little of him now for treating me this way.
I'm glad you're all on here with me. Thank you.

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 17:56

Hugs, Flowers and bucket loads of Wine Jessica....you're right, def a reflection on his spineless ways and not you! It is sad and it's ok to grieve for that loss but hang onto the fact that he can't even be bothered to send a msg back either way...and that isn't nice or what you deserve!

FindingJessica · 04/05/2017 18:07

Thanks, that helped.
I was just thinking, although there are decent men in their 40's, I wondered if a lot of them by this age get stuck in their patterns of behavior and don't realise they need to change it to make a new relationship work.

Biddylee · 04/05/2017 18:11

I think the ones on the shelf in their 40s stay on the shelf. Sad I'm not sure they are self aware or have the emotional intelligence to realise that they need to make some changes.

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 18:18

Stupid bloody phone...wrote long post back and it bloody lost it...Angry

Anyway the gist was that a lot of us are in our 40s & we know who we are and (mostly) what we want, yet we understand about compromise, empathy and treating another human being with decency and respect! That's fundamental personality...not behaviour...I know I am guilty of making excuses for behaviour when in fact it was core personality stuff...and they are unlikely to change that....and YY to lack of an EQ Biddy!

FindingJessica · 04/05/2017 18:42

Yep to emotional intelligence and personality. I think also post divorce men don't realise they need to change behaviour either. I suspect they think it's not them and a change of woman will solve their issues.

Biddylee · 04/05/2017 18:44

Well I haven't heard anything from the ex today which is a bit odd. I'm not bothered but also a little concerned (mixed feelings). Especially at it was enthusiastic texting and what'saping last night (which I didn't answer because I was asleep).

Ah well - I'm sure he's fine. In this day of modern technology it's easy to wonder why people don't answer everything immediately. My family are never happy if I accidentally leave my phone at home.

(might do me a bloody big favour if he ghosts me! :D)

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 19:03

Ghosting is awful! Hate it. So passive-aggressive. Am sure he's fine Biddy. Did you msg any questions this morn or just general stuff? You can always have a look at when he was last on WhatsApp if you're really worried?

AnnaNimmity · 04/05/2017 19:20

Might he have been drinking last night biddy ?

I had quite a good day, focused on work and kids. Had coffee with a lovely friend but come home to a wobble. I am quite close to emailing him

Also he follows me on various social media sites and asked me not to block him, but I feel odd him knowing what I'm up to. He'd take unfollowing as a message but I'd rather he didn't know what I am up to (not that it's much) and am tempted to unfollow. I said to myself I'd give it until the end of may before I do anything.

I'm overthinking probably

AnnaNimmity · 04/05/2017 19:21

Yy jessica my ex post divorce too. Only just started to look at his behaviour.

FindingJessica · 04/05/2017 21:02

I found the whole messaging thing really difficult (he was the over messenger at first) and social media (which I stay off now for various reasons).

I was just reading about men post divorce and how they react and the penny just dropped that I was a victim of his divorce and his need to get straight out and validate himself. It made me realise it was his thing but had my self esteem been better I would have spotted that. I feel much better for understanding what happened. I think had I not message him yesterday and had the silence, I wouldn't have got it today. One more of life's hard lessons.

Biddylee · 04/05/2017 22:13

I got rid of my ex on all social media. He doesn't know what I am doing and vice versa. I don't look him up and I got rid of my photos although he sent me two new ones. Ot really does help to have no reminders.

Found out that he turned his phone to do not disturb which is why I couldn't get through to him.

SassynSane · 04/05/2017 22:31

Ah...ok he's still alive! That's...um...good? Wink Seriously though the way we date now and social media makes everything so much more accessible and it's so easy to get sucked in...you know when things have been read, or not....when they're online, or not etc....and it's easy to prolong the agony by looking!

Jessica it's sounding like you might be reaching a magical tipping point and you'll find both relief and release on the other side. I do hope so! And I wish that all for the rest of us too!

AnnaNimmity · 05/05/2017 06:34

you're right about social media. in any case, he's unfollowed me everywhere now. Which has upset me irrationally. I messaged him.

I need all of this to be over.