OLD issue - I've been stupid

[ShockingShite]

So I met a bloke through OLD and he seemed A-Mazing! Totally hit it off, details about what he does all checked out totally, had a really brilliant first date which lasted 12 hours. Yes. Really. 12 hours.

Met up with him again. Slept together. A-Mazing. Discussed all sorts of deep and meaningfuls regarding the fact that he never wants kids, but is totally ok with the fact that I have 2 already. We both removed our profiles from the OLD site. All seemed to be going very well...

Then suddenly, a few days ago we were going to Skype and he didn't appear. Then arrived much later than planned, all flustered and finished the convo when his phone rang.

It spooked me enough to go back and check the OLD site and, what would you know, there's another profile which looks like a brand new one. He says it isn't and it's from a while ago, but he was logged in last night at 9 pm. Totally brushed off my concerns and said he'd Skype me tonight to explain. He's no attempt to text or phone me today.

I've been had by a player, haven't I?

Would you Skype or refuse?

[ShockingShite]

Ta Squ1ggle - see, I may have flipped my lid. I just don't know.

Trying desperately to calm the fuck down. Not long to go now until the explanation...

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Neon the 1950s called and they'd like their sexist claptrap back

[Squ1ggle]

Neon that's such a stone age comment

[ShockingShite]

Arf!!!!

[NeonGod73]

MyGastIsFlabbered but the jumping-into-bed-very-quickly method didn't exactly worked well for OP, did it?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

No, sometimes it doesn't, I slept with my exH on the first date, we were together 8 years. As I said upthread I waited 9 dates to sleep with one guy and he was still an arse who disappeared afterwards. But why is it ok for a guy to sleep with a woman on the first date but not ok for the woman to do it?

[ShockingShite]

I don't really care all that much about shagging him the second time I met him. I did it with the best of intentions at the time (even if he's lied). And it was jolly good. If nothing else, he's broken a two year drought.

There... that's calming the fuck down.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

neon yet it does work for some and in any case, plenty of women don't need sex to result in a long term relationship and that's ok you know?

Not all men judge women poorly if they sleep with them early on, when they do, it's a poor reflection of them, not a reason for a woman to adapt her behaviour.

[PoorYorick]

I'm not defending Neon's ridiculous comment, but for one's own protection, if you do want commitment and know it, it's probably best to wait a bit. Not to pander to men too stupid to think beyond societal constructs, but simply because if you don't know if he's committed (and two dates in, you don't), then you could end up very hurt.

If you're cool with casual sex, as many women are (sorry, Neon), then have at it and enjoy.

[joannegrady90]

It's shit op so hugs to you!

For next time though:

A 12 hour date is NOT normal, some lunch for a few hours maybe.

Also even though I've done it myself, see is definitely a deal breaker early on.

Also beware of men that tell you what you want to hear :

I don't want kids but I'm fine with yours.

I've never felt this way about anone else

I can imagine a future together.

All are perfectly lovely of course but nothing after just a few dates.

Also try not to be too available surely you had this to do in a 12 hour date. Work? Kids? Friends? Hobbies?

You need to make yourself seem busy and fulfilled.
Good luck!

[NeonGod73]

MyGast There's always someone who brings up an example of but I shagged my hubby in the first hour then we got married and were together for 10 years. Congratulations! Good for you. However I still maintain it is not a clever thing to do. But if -despite your mature years- you act like a hormonal teenage girl and want to have sex on a first date with a total stranger and think it's a good idea, I respect your opinion. Go for it.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Oh and OP, it's never nice to be lied to in order to get you into bed, the feeling of having been manipulated is tough to get over, but it's hard to see whether or not he has done this yet. I'd hear him out, but if you're looking for exclusivity and he isn't (or he's lying about it) you need to chalk this up to experience I'm afraid.

[ShockingShite]

Yup - that's where I'm at. About to find out any mo :-/

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

But you're making out it's only a bad idea for women to do it. It's the double standards you're alluding to that I object to. That men somehow think less of women who sleep with them straight away and you seem ok with that.

[NeonGod73]

MyGast don't put words into my mouth and don't assume what I am making out.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Men usually appreciate a woman who has some dignity and doesn't jump into bed with them too soon. Their basic thinking is: if she shagged me so soon she probably does it with everyone else. And to be honest they are not entirely wrong about it

Neon, not all men think this way, sorry that is just not my experience or that of any of my friends. Just because you do, and maybe your friends, maybe you should assess your own attitudes rather than judging others.

[mummymummums]

I think the issue here is the OP being misled. If he said he was removing his profile and that he and OP were starting a long term relationship, then he's done wrong I feel.
Have to say though that the plan to see each other twice a month doesn't sound like a basis for a full relationship - unless you're talking about spending most of weekend together.

[NeonGod73]

Okay Worzels I already said previously if the quick sex thing is your modus operandi then good for you. I am sure you'll get very far with it. Blessings.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

You said (and I believe Worzels quoted you) something along the lines of men assume women have dignity if they don't shag them straight away...wtf has shagging got to do with dignity? That's not putting words in your mouth.

And how do you know what men assume yet I'm not allowed to assume anything about what you say?

[LesisMiserable]

I think when you start thinking about sex as any kind of strategy then thats an issue. If you want it do it but by its very nature , having sex with a virtual stranger carries emotional risk for many so it's an individual's own choice of whether thats a good idea for them but they have to take full ownership over their decision. For what its worth as I said right the way oop thread, I can't see a problem here as such. He might be ace.

[NeonGod73]

MyGast please have a glass of wine, go have sex with a random man you just met, get married and have kids with him just to prove me wrong. I am waiting...

[noego]

He shagged me??? and you didn't shag back???

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Did you mean to be so patronising with your 'Blessings' Neon? I get the feeling you think you're superior because you'd never sink so low as to sleep with a man straight away.

FWIW I've had some bloody amazing one night stands. We both knew what the deal was, there was no emotional connection on either side and we had a ball.

[LesisMiserable]

neongod you just described my entire relationship getting married in July , dignity or no dignity

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

neon it's not, I've been married for a long time, but prior to that I did what I wanted when I wanted, maybe I just chose men based on them not being misogynistic arseholes. More importantly, I don't judge others for doing what they want, cause it isn't my place, and it's not your place to judge an entire sex based on your own outdated prejudices.