OLD issue - I've been stupid

[ShockingShite]

So I met a bloke through OLD and he seemed A-Mazing! Totally hit it off, details about what he does all checked out totally, had a really brilliant first date which lasted 12 hours. Yes. Really. 12 hours.

Met up with him again. Slept together. A-Mazing. Discussed all sorts of deep and meaningfuls regarding the fact that he never wants kids, but is totally ok with the fact that I have 2 already. We both removed our profiles from the OLD site. All seemed to be going very well...

Then suddenly, a few days ago we were going to Skype and he didn't appear. Then arrived much later than planned, all flustered and finished the convo when his phone rang.

It spooked me enough to go back and check the OLD site and, what would you know, there's another profile which looks like a brand new one. He says it isn't and it's from a while ago, but he was logged in last night at 9 pm. Totally brushed off my concerns and said he'd Skype me tonight to explain. He's no attempt to text or phone me today.

I've been had by a player, haven't I?

Would you Skype or refuse?

[orangetriangle]

To add she met him online...

[orangetriangle]

reading with interest
Knew someone else in a similar situation
Guy basically love bombed her. Was definitely on the spectrum
Once he had love bombed her as it were (looking back loads of red flags came on really strong really quickly). He won her trust then began emotiinally and physcologically abusing her and I wonder if she hadnt of got out of the situation it would probably turned to physical abuse.
He admitted he said nice things to reel her in and it was okay to be abusive because he didnt say abusive things all in one go!!! shocking
Please be careful

[annielouise]

Unfortunately, not that it's right, the double standards are still there. And they are there among very young men as well, ime. They might not always say it - obviously not as they want sex - but I would say a lot still hold these views. It's not just older men.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Neon what I was objecting to in your post was the fact that you said (forgive the paraphrasing) men think women who have sex early on have no dignity...it's the sexism that appalled me, why is it ok for men to do it and not women? Presumably if they're sleeping together on a first/second/whatever date the man is sleeping with the woman just as quickly?

And then you started acting like you were somehow better than those of us who shag on a first date. Then you got slightly weird going on about sex on tombstones and in skips

[BitOutOfPractice]

Shocking I know you don't want to hear this SBD are very defensive but yes, you do need to get a bit more realistic about OLD. taking profiles down etc after 2 or 3 dates is far far too soon. You've made the classic newbie mistake of getting fat far too invested too soon. Sorry.

[annielouise]

I think going back on OLD now and telling him you're doing that is like shutting the barn door when the horse has bolted. The OP wants a relationship with him. I think she played her cards too quickly but she has to see how it pans out. If it doesn't work out then she's learnt something for next time.

What's the point of dating others - he will as well. And the OP will be hurt if she doesn't meet others she wants to see when he probably will and no doubt will be having sex with them too. How does that help the OP? Yes, she shouldn't have jumped in too soon but either run with it the way it is and see how it goes or start again afresh with more of an idea of how to manage things. I don't think emotionally the OP is strong enough to see his profile up again and to carry on seeing him. She's invested in him already. And knows now it was too soon.

[SparklingRaspberry]

I agree with neon

If I was after a serious relationship with a man I liked I wouldn't shag him on the second date.

But regardless of that, I think it's proper weird that after 2 dates and a few Skype calls the OP think he should be commiting to her and creating fake profiles to catch him out. That's more weird than still having a profile up!

[NeonGod73]

Sunshineandlaughter that's what I was trying to get across too. The sad thing is, if you don't shag too soon, then all the first-date-shaggers gang up on you and start the bullying that you are from the 1950s and old fashioned. WTF?? I am obviously not from the 50s and not old fashioned. But because I dare to have a different opinion I am the big bad wolf and party pooper. Nice.
I would compare first-date -shagging to going to a nice restaurant and ordering a lovely three course meal. Excep, instead of having the starter first, then the main meal and lastly the dessert, you gobble up the rich indulgent dessert first so you kinda ruin your appetite for the first two courses. Like a little kid would do.

[ddssdd]

It is awful, op. Some men say they want a r'ship, so they can cast the net wider, when what they truly want is just a shag. It's depressing.

[Squ1ggle]

Absolutely sadsquid!

[MagnumPieEye]

Well said, sadsquid!

[sadsquid]

People have a whole lot of opinions about what sex means in general, mostly based on what sex means to them personally. I've basically always shagged blokes ASAP. Some disappeared immediately, some stuck around, one of them is now my husband. But I don't view the first shag as something to build up to, particularly. It's not the pinnacle of anything for me. And it means the ones who just wanted to get laid will bugger off quickly rather than telling me any number of lies to get me in bed! In fact that's what happened with the only two I ever held off with - both feigned more interest than they really felt to keep me around until they got what they wanted, both hurt me and left me feeling like an idiot.

If you do get very emotionally attached through sex then obviously it's not a good idea to jump straight in. But lots of people don't. It's a better idea to be self-aware about what sex means to you, and act accordingly, than to try and follow rules made by someone else who's projecting their own nature onto the whole of humanity.

[MangosAndPapayas]

Am I the only person who thinks that agreeing to take down an OLD profile after ONE date is a red flag?

It's too much too soon. If you are seriously looking for a long term relationship (both men and women) you realise that you can't have any idea whether someone is right for you after one date - even a 12 hour date. At best it's just strong chemistry that may lead somewhere; at worst it's just a quick couple of shags.

It's crazy either of you agreed to do that tbh. Keeping your options open and seeing others is a good thing until you are in a position to judge someone's character properly (and that usually means meeting their friends/family/proper insight into their lifestyle and values) and decide to be exclusive - not least because it helps you protect yourself emotionally.

And for all the people piling in on Neon, there is something to be said for waiting to sleep with someone - not just the point about character and values assessment or properly discussing sexual health - but because it remains true that a man who is just using OLD for free and easy sex is unlikely to persist. It's a way of weeding out men who just want a shag from those who are more serious. Quoting myriads of examples of "I had sex with my DH within 2 minutes of meeting him and we are having a 20 year anniversary" doesn't undermine the fact that it is basic common sense to try to protect yourself emotionally (if you are the type to get emotionally involved after sex) by not sleeping with a man too swiftly.

I'd tell him that on reflection you were both too quick to take down your profiles, that you still want to see him and see where it goes and are open to being exclusive a bit further down the line - but that you are putting yours back up for now.. And DATE OTHERS. it will help you stop over focussing on this man.

[TimelessReality]

And not just sexual predators, though those too. But just the hopeless twats who abound and couldn't give a fig about the woman. Having sex with someone who doesn't care about you or is using you is not being liberated! IMHO.

[TimelessReality]

Women also tend to bond quickly with sex. Its an inconvenient truth, but truth it is. There are exceptions, but not many.

Its irresponsible IMO to encourage this with men women don't really know anything about.

[TimelessReality]

Its not a question of being "outdated" whatever that means.

Its about not being fooled by sexual predators.

It takes a bit of time and wisdom to identify them. Especially with OLD when you literally don't know anything about them.

A first date from OLD should be short, one hour tops! Then you don't over-invest and over-connect with someone you don't bloody know from adam!

[LesisMiserable]

Blonde you just summed up in one post the whole 10 page thread - kudos.

[BlondeBecky1983]

I think if shagging someone too early changes their opinion of you then they're not right in the first place and you need to move on.

In this case, said bloke seems to be quite into the OP but OP needs to calm down a bit so she's not too heartbroken if it doesn't work out.

No offence OP!

[BlondeBecky1983]

I think it just depends on the individuals and as long as everyone has their eyes open and understands that it could go either way then I don't see a problem.

[Sunshineandlaughter]

Me too blonde Becky so not going to say they don't but it's more normal for it to sizzle out after a couple of shags. Maybe depends as well on how important ahd the sex drive of the couple? Don't think it's outdated - it's the facts of old.

[BlondeBecky1983]

If you instantly click with someone I see nothing wrong with it and know more than a few people whose LTRs have come out of this kind of encounter.

Good luck OP.

[BlondeBecky1983]

Some of these posts are hilariously outdated. What does it matter when she shagged him?! If he's a half decent bloke and they click may aswell enjoy the fun for longer. It also means you find out pretty quickly if you're compatible in that way.

[Sunshineandlaughter]

Yes you can go back and watch the full film now but it's not the same is it - this guy will be thinking the same and will already be looking for a better story to play.

[Sunshineandlaughter]

Yes it's 2017 but sleeping with someone on the second date it akin to watching 5 minutes of a trailer then someone telling you the ending of a film. Even if it's the best film in the world you are never going to feel as invested or love it as much as if you sat down to watch film and let story play out in its own time. To me it's just cutting out a large part of getting to know someone and falling in love with them and the fun and anticipation that goes with that. It's fine if you just want a shag but if you want the next love of your life there's no rush and guys will wait and enjoy the build up too.

[ShockingShite]

Finding it very interesting the varying opinions on here about at what point it's right to sleep with someone and what that means.

Truth is nobody really knows what the right thing is. We are all busking our way through. It felt right at the time and, having spoken to him last night, it still does.