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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

OLD issue - I've been stupid

248 replies

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 19:09

So I met a bloke through OLD and he seemed A-Mazing! Totally hit it off, details about what he does all checked out totally, had a really brilliant first date which lasted 12 hours. Yes. Really. 12 hours.

Met up with him again. Slept together. A-Mazing. Discussed all sorts of deep and meaningfuls regarding the fact that he never wants kids, but is totally ok with the fact that I have 2 already. We both removed our profiles from the OLD site. All seemed to be going very well...

Then suddenly, a few days ago we were going to Skype and he didn't appear. Then arrived much later than planned, all flustered and finished the convo when his phone rang.

It spooked me enough to go back and check the OLD site and, what would you know, there's another profile which looks like a brand new one. He says it isn't and it's from a while ago, but he was logged in last night at 9 pm. Totally brushed off my concerns and said he'd Skype me tonight to explain. He's no attempt to text or phone me today.

I've been had by a player, haven't I?

Would you Skype or refuse?

OP posts:

Report

LesisMiserable · 21/04/2017 20:11

Its not being played. They both wanted sex. Now he may or may not have decided it was pure lust and no substance who knows. BUt Op was prepared to remove herself from OLD and any other opportunities to meet interesting,compatible prospects completely off the back of two meetings with a stranger. Why would you?!

LesisMiserable · 21/04/2017 20:12

I hope you do (learn) but I sense you wont. Sorry.

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:14

I wanted a relationship. Not just sex. He gave me that impression too.

I just think OLD may well be full of players and I'll go back to blokes that someone actually knows. It's too risky. I don't like it as a method of dating. I never said I'd stop dating entirely.

OP posts:

AlcoholAndIrony · 21/04/2017 20:14

I think the thing with OLD is not getting too quickly invested too soon.

TBH (rightly or wrongly) I had a rule that I wasn't exclusively dating anyone person. This came after many many dates of disappointment

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:15

Erm - that's really uncalled for and unpleasant Les

OP posts:

Destinysdaughter · 21/04/2017 20:16

Oh love, I really feel for you. Unfortunately OLD is full of men who just see it as an easy way to get a shag. You have to have a very thick skin as they can seem so convincing. You just have to try and hold off having sex until you feel they are genuine. Although he may have still done this regardless how long you have waited. OLD is like a sweetshop for a lot of men, it's too bloody easy for them now. Sorry this has happened, it makes you feel like a fool but it wasn't your fault.

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:16

Great isn't it?
Came here for support.
Wish I hadn't bothered.
:(

OP posts:

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:17

That wasn't aimed at the last two obvs

OP posts:

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/04/2017 20:18

Maybe the OP wouldn't have slept with him if he'd not given the impression he was in it for the long haul.

It's not nice when this happened. I had 18 months of OLD and you have to have a very thick skin, there are so many arseholes and weirdos out there.

I would Skype with him just to see what he says, but be slightly more aware, slightly more cynical maybe next time.

LesisMiserable · 21/04/2017 20:18

Exactly Alcohol . Not because the man is a 'player' or 'weird' just because expecting a full on relationship and committing accordingly to a stranger is nutty as squirrel shit to be honest.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/04/2017 20:20

True story: I once waited 9 dates before having sex with a guy...he still turned out to be a complete arse who couldn't run away fast enough afterwards I don't think I'm that crap in bed

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:20

Flabbered you are spot on.
The man told me he never normally sleeps with anyone so soon.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 21/04/2017 20:23

Sorry if I dont sound supportive. I wish women could feel empowered that they have choices in OLD just as men do, you can and should be discerning, dont throw yourself all into was is completely unknown. Think more of yourself. That sex isnt a contract or a promise, so dont do it if it is to you as you will be perpetually disappointed. Ask yourself why the fuck would I want to be with a man who thinks I have no other options?! Take your time. Whats the rush? Him appearing besotted is lovely,maybe he truly felt it, maybe he still does!

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:23

Nutty as squirrel shit...

I didn't just meet him just twice. There was a lot of communication in between.

He did seem to put an awful lot of time and attention in between times. That's why I was convinced.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 21/04/2017 20:24

It doesnt matter when you have sex. But if its going to make you feel shit if it fizzles out after one date, two dates, nine dates or whatever - dont do it! Own it.

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 20:25

The love bombing was itself the red flag. Nobody should be moving that fast after two dates, no matter how great they felt. (By this I don't mean the sex, but the discussions about kids and blended families and implied exclusivity by removing your profiles.)

LesisMiserable · 21/04/2017 20:26

OP, there's nothing to suggest you're not the best thing that will ever happen to him still, but good things take time surely? If you were my friend I'd want to give you a little shake and tell you to please relax and see how it unfolds.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/04/2017 20:26

It's always going to make you feel shit if you have sex with someone then they disappear...but you never know do you? Unless you're prepared to wait until marriage before having sex there are no guarantees. Saying don't do it if it's going to make you feel shit is a momentous oh stupid thing to say.

AlcoholAndIrony · 21/04/2017 20:26

OLD is a bit of a slog. Definitely.

Who knows what makes a guy get cold feet?

I once dated a guy. We were seeing each other for a bit, we were both dead keen and then he went really cold on me. I didn't know what I'd done wrong. Social media revealed he was back with his ex. I felt an utter fool.

I do see OLD as a numbers game til you meet someone you click with.

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:27

So I hear him out?

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AlcoholAndIrony · 21/04/2017 20:28

Sorry, meant to add - it's a shame you thought you'd clicked with this guy but sometimes something just happens and something unexplained puts you off someone.

AlcoholAndIrony · 21/04/2017 20:31

So I hear him out?

Personally I wouldn't kick him to the kerb yet, but I would definitely be a bit more cautious. Entirely up to you.

It could be 1) he does just want a quick shag
2) he wants to keep you as an option
3) does genuinely like you
4) does want a long term relationship
5) does want a long term relationship, just not necessarily with you.

OLD. Absolute minefield

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ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:32

I asked him what I'd done wrong laT night and he said 'nothing' and that he wants to carry on seeing me... He's supposed to be explaining why the new profile is up and why he was online. But appears to be in no rush to do that...

OP posts:

ShockingShite · 21/04/2017 20:32

last

OP posts:

FriendTillTheEnd · 21/04/2017 20:33

Have to say I agree with Les.

Believe actions, not words. Wait for someone to prove what they say rather than just accepting it and don't ignore anything that might throw a different light on it.

Flip

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