OLD issue - I've been stupid

[ShockingShite]

So I met a bloke through OLD and he seemed A-Mazing! Totally hit it off, details about what he does all checked out totally, had a really brilliant first date which lasted 12 hours. Yes. Really. 12 hours.

Met up with him again. Slept together. A-Mazing. Discussed all sorts of deep and meaningfuls regarding the fact that he never wants kids, but is totally ok with the fact that I have 2 already. We both removed our profiles from the OLD site. All seemed to be going very well...

Then suddenly, a few days ago we were going to Skype and he didn't appear. Then arrived much later than planned, all flustered and finished the convo when his phone rang.

It spooked me enough to go back and check the OLD site and, what would you know, there's another profile which looks like a brand new one. He says it isn't and it's from a while ago, but he was logged in last night at 9 pm. Totally brushed off my concerns and said he'd Skype me tonight to explain. He's no attempt to text or phone me today.

I've been had by a player, haven't I?

Would you Skype or refuse?

[scoobydoo1971]

OLD is going to be bursting with lothario-types who see it as a wonderful opportunity to meet lots of women easily. There is a perception that women on OLD must be desperate and accepting of the crumbs while gagging for some...of course it is probably not true, but some men see it that way. There are some nice men out there but a lot of men you would not see as a long-term prospect, and they are OLD because they struggle to meet women in real-life. He got you into bed quickly on false promises in your mind. You need to reframe this as he got you into bed, you had a nice time and now you are moving on to someone else...or staying single until a better prospect comes along. As disappointing as it may well be, he wasn't the man you thought he was, and not a good prospect for long-term if he is back on OLD already sneaking about. He may keep you dangling while he looks for someone else to play, but you know who he is now and can refuse his attentions. There is no great shame in making a mistake, but there is shame in repeating it. Perhaps OLD is just not for you.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

The new profile is dodgy BUT I have to admit I've been back on the dating site I met my boyfriend on, sometimes just to look at his pictures or read back our first conversations, that could be innocent.

[ShockingShite]

Alcohol - yes - any of those reasons.

Though my gut is screaming that he wants a few options and nobody full time or long term. We live an hour away from each other, so meetings will always have to be pre-planned, therefore easy for him (potentially) to have a few on the go if that's how he is.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I have to say in OLD's defence that DH and I met that way. I signed up as a bit of a piss-take and DH was the first person I met. He wore a blazer with elbow patches to our first date and I thought "fml" but he turned out to be a good one. It's not totally filled with asshats and lotharios. Maybe you just have to shag lots of frogs to find the good ones.

[JaneEyre70]

By having his profile active, he's pretty much saying that he doesn't think there is much potential between you. But after 2 dates, I don't think that makes him a player or a bad person, just a not very honest one. I'd block him, and move on. It's his loss, not yours .

[ShockingShite]

Right - he's just asked to Skype this eve - I think I'll just see what he has to say.

[LesisMiserable]

My experience: met DP online. Chatted for a month by text. Spoke on the phone a couple of times. Met, first date, both got very very drunk, slept together. Didnt hear from him for a couple of days apart from a next morning message. He phoned maybe five days later. Second date. Saw him maybe once a week/fortnight after that. Texted sporadically but always nicely. I never pushed for a 'texting schedule', responded as and when I wanted to. About 8 weeks of dating I asked if he would mind if I was dating others. He said it wasnt his place to say. I didnt date anyone else though, nor did he (that I know of). A couple of weeks later he said he loved me for the first time. Long story short, two and a half years together now, getting married in July. My advice, relax, good things take time to grow. Maybe he isnt the one, not every man you date or sleep with will be. But just let things unfold as they will and feel confident in yourself that YOU have choices and YOU will need time to decide if this guy gets to be with you. That doesnt mean you play hard to get it means you play 'adult woman with own life that you might get to be part of if we turn out to be right for each other'. That stuff takes times to build. So no, you've not been had or played, you've got this. Believe in what you offer and respect the man who takes him time over getting to know you,,even if it means a step backwards now and again. Thats the one laying real foundations. Feelings are fragile things, let him process his.

[ShockingShite]

That's a real help Les ta x

[LesisMiserable]

Also OP, me and DP live 60 miles apart - see each other 5 days a week. If you're going to go into this you have to trust.

[ShockingShite]

I'm going to hear him out but be very wary.

[LesisMiserable]

Sorry if I sounded brusque to start with x

[ShockingShite]

Les - Similar distance - hence the Skype convos. We'd agreed to see each other about twice a month.

[ShockingShite]

S'ok
I'm horribly sensitive at the mo. Divorced a bloke who had affairs. So I don't react well to this stuff.

[PollytheDolly]

I don't get this OLD stuff.

By the way, I met my husband online.

Not on a dating site though.

[disappearingfish]

Don't judge someone on what they say but on what they do. Don't have loads of conversations on line before spending time with them. They will just say what they think you want to hear.

[LesisMiserable]

I understand. I think threads like this touch a nerve with me because I kind of want everyone to have my 'happy ending' experience of OLD but I know that came from basically being very relaxed and cool (sometimes a complete act on my part!!) I know being a 'cool girlfriend' is absolutely frowned upon on MN but theres a difference between being a sap and being rational and not sweating the small stuff and I found applying a rational filter to the whole of this relationship from infancy to now is what worked for me. Also, treating my partner with the same leeway I would my friends ie if my friend was supposed to skype and didnt would that be it? Or would I rationalise she forgot/got delayed/didnt mean to upset me? And move on. Of course the latter. Treat your potential man with the respect and space you'd treat a new woman friend and you'll not go far wrong

[LesisMiserable]

I'm also divorced and does muck your head up a touch x

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

No matter how you meet someone, just take it slowly and keep your options open

[NeonGod73]

You slept with him too early on. Men usually appreciate a woman who has some dignity and doesn't jump into bed with them too soon. Their basic thinking is: if she shagged me so soon she probably does it with everyone else. And to be honest they are not entirely wrong about it. Also, it is good to be yearning and lusting after someone before you have sex. It makes it all the more special.
Other thing is, in my opinion these dates that start out very intense, tend to fizzle out very quickly. All the gushing about having so much in common and having A-mazing chemistry and all that blabla will simply not last in most of the cases.
Rome wasn't built in a day, if you get my drift.

[Destinysdaughter]

Oqwqw Oreo uw Oreo oqttt

[Destinysdaughter]

Oh God my kindle went bonkers!! Sorry

[Squ1ggle]

Just to share my experience, I met DH online, after 2 dates I knew that it was serious and stopped dating anyone else from the site. He felt the same and 5 years later we are married, have bought a house and have a little boy. I guess what I'm saying is that yes, there are lots of players and weirdos online but equally there are good men genuinely looking for a meaningful (monogamous) relationship. If this guy does turn out to be a turd then I'm really sorry for you but don't let it put you off OLD altogether

[Squ1ggle]

Oh and I slept with him on the 3rd date

[ShockingShite]

I thought you were being profound Destiny ! :D

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Neon - why do men get to keep their dignity if they have sex too soon, but women don't.