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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fucking, fucking husband

607 replies

CheesyChristie · 21/04/2017 18:59

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

  • moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  • him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  • refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  • offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  • refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 21/04/2017 22:57

Can you drag him out of bed tomorrow and make him come with you to the grading to watch ds2 (and ds1 grade) and then he can take ds2 out of the room if necessary, that way you can half watch ds2 and your twatty DH doesn't get away with this childish behaviour? After that yes LTB Angry

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/04/2017 23:00

Where would the arse end of Kent be? I am in Ashford, if you are anywhere close I would come and look after your little one (long term childminder)

squirreltrap · 21/04/2017 23:01

I was married to someone like this. It is heartbreaking to feel so disrespected and unheard.

I actually did do the throw water over him to get him up one morning after he'd rolled in at 3am but I wouldn't recommend it. He turned it round and used it to demonstrate how abusive and unreasonable i was.

I did leave him and the relief was instant. Seething resentment is exhausting.

My advice would be to simply behave as if he is not there until you are able to leave. No reaction doesn't make sense to these arseholes. Mine used to say "I just decided to stay out and take the bollocking" and I suspect yours is the same. And so I got to the point where I couldn't even waste my energy on 'bollocking' him, I just knew it was over and I needed to get out.

He hasn't changed 6 years on. He admits he wasn't a great husband but only because he lost his cushdy number and is sorry for himself, but he certainly hasn't actually changed his behaviour and I pity the women he gets into relationships with.

Astro55 · 21/04/2017 23:01

I agree there will be other parents there - please reach out and ask for some help - take some toys and let him play as there will be other little ones I'm sure

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 21/04/2017 23:04

Dh is a dick. I'm sorry.

How old is ds2? Would tablet and headphones be an option if you have to take him?

HeidiSpeidi · 21/04/2017 23:08

Another poster saying LTB, I stayed with a twat like yours for far too long.

Leaving was by far the best decision I have ever made. I'm happier, healthier and my only regret is not leaving sooner.

Stay strong OP Flowers

TroubleinDaFamily · 21/04/2017 23:14

Run, run and don't look back.

AbernathysFringe · 21/04/2017 23:25

Anyone older than about 22 who gets so drunk they are 'puking and 'shitting' I wouldn't have any respect for. Immature as fuck.

Benedikte2 · 21/04/2017 23:32

Good luck for tomorrow OP.
Then get your ducks in a row -- papers etc, see a solicitor on Monday and LTB as soon as you feel ready. He is not going to change. He does not want to know how you feel, are struggling etc. He just wants his comfortable little life to continue with you taking all responsibility for the DC. His attitude to DS1 not wanting to know/believe there's a problem is identical to his attitude to you. If I don't acknowledge there's a problem, there won't be a problem
Good luck

DandelionAndBedrock · 21/04/2017 23:33

Will there be other parents at the grading? Is there somewhere one of them could stand with DS2 just for DS1's grading? I used to work at a dance school and one of the senior students would happily have entertained a small child for a bit.

Ceto · 22/04/2017 01:31

Throw cold water over your DH and tell him he has to get up and come to the grading so he can take DS2 out if necessary, because you can't trust him to be left on his own at home with him.

3luckystars · 22/04/2017 01:56

Good luck tomorrow. I hope it's not too stressful for your son to get his grading thingy tomorrow.I hope you get a minutes peace to watch him in action, you must be so proud of him.
Good luck also with dealing with your husband. From the sounds of your posts, he has always put himself first, but this time he can't say he didn't realise.

And you were thinking that you had some communication problems explaining this to him!? You are not to blame here!!!! Your children are lucky that they have you. You sound so lovely.

Best wishes for the future x

LovelyJubly111 · 22/04/2017 02:07

He will just have to babysit hungover then. His choice.

All the people suggesting babysitters etc. are wrong in my opinion. If you let him off of his responsibilities he'll simply learn that all he has to do is get hammered to avoid doing anything.

NightWanderer · 22/04/2017 02:08

Of course he knows how hard things are for you. He just doesn't care. He's fundamentally selfish and will say anything to placate you but actions really do speak louder than words don't they?

mogloveseggs · 22/04/2017 02:12

Go to your mum's. Honestly. He has 0 respect for you or the dc.

Catherinebee85 · 22/04/2017 02:24

He needs to meet his responsibilities regardless of what he does with the rest of his time. You don't get to do that, so why should he with so little regard to anything else in his life. He shouldn't have his cake and eat it whilst you don't get cake at all!

The day needs to happen as you had planned tomorrow regardless of his night out, don't stand for any different. You're worth more than being treated in this way. Sounds like he's slipped into completely taking you for granted and your life needs a complete shake up!

mumblechum0 · 22/04/2017 02:52

I'm guessing that this will be DS1's first grading? If so, all the white belts will go first so at least you won't have to hang around for hours.

Hope your DS1 enjoys his grading and that DS2 sleeps through the whole thing!

And obviously LTB

Cricrichan · 22/04/2017 03:09

Wow op I'm so sorry. He doesn't have an atom of consideration for you. I suspect that he runs or cycles to work because it allows him more time out of the house and leaves you doing everything.

I think you should consider moving back, especially if family can help out and if you want to get your career back on track.

Msqueen33 · 22/04/2017 03:59

What a bastard. I have two with asd so know going somewhere for something like grading must be hard. He's being a cock and having no respect at all for you and I'd seriously consider leaving after this.

mumonashoestring · 22/04/2017 07:43

Just wanted to check in and wish you luck with whatever you decide to do today (and wish your DS1 luck with his grading of course!)

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 22/04/2017 07:49

... and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change.

Well, that didn't last long, did it? Two weeks of pretending to be a decent human being and he needs an all night binge as a reward.

I agree with PP: you've made this threat, now you need to see it through, or he will (as he already has, it would appear) just carry on thinking he can treat you like shit. This was your line in the sand, and he's shat and puked all over crossed it.

What was that MN proverb? Haven't heard it for a while.

You thought you were marrying a decent man
He thought he was marrying a pushover
Turns out, you were both wrong

ChinUpChestOut · 22/04/2017 07:53

I just read through your thread - I hope your DH came home in a reasonable state and you're able to leave your DS2 with him this morning.

Otherwise, just ignore that useless lump in your bed (although don't do anything quietly - he doesn't deserve that) and go to the grading. Take an iPad if you can with earphones, and ask other parents for help - just say your DH is unwell (grrrr) and wasn't able to look after him.

Then start planning your exit.

Rubyslippers7780 · 22/04/2017 08:05

How are things now? Did he even come home? Sounds like an arse.
Sending you Flowers get through today then make your plans.

rainbowstardrops · 22/04/2017 08:09

Just wanted to say good luck to your son for today. Hope he does well.
What time/state did your H roll in? Hopefully fit enough to look after your little one.
You sound desperate, so personally I would look at moving back closer to your family. At least you'd have some support then. Flowers

Calphurnia · 22/04/2017 08:10

Good luck to your DS today, and to you for all the rest Flowers

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