My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

Your next text needs to be:

'I'm leaving you.
Don't come home tonight.'

He understands everything. He's not an idiot. Most people know they're taking the piss without being told, just some of them don't really care that much.

So, leave the toddler with him tomorrow. Wake him as gently - or ungently - as you like, and give him ds2, as you walk out the door with ds1. Good luck to him for tomorrow, btw. Why not also go off for a celebratory milk-shake or pizza after, too?

See how well he's coped when you get back, and make plans accordingly.

Do NOT answer any calls or texts from him while you're out with ds1. He is an adult and can work out what to do, how to do, etc.

He understands everything. He's not an idiot. Most people know they're taking the piss without being told, just some of them don't really care that much.

Jux ^ this! Perfectly put, m'dear.

He's a selfish ass, OP.

I'm so sorry.

If he does end crawl in a drunken state, I agree with the suggestions to wake him up early with cold water and a firm 'you're looking after DS2 while I'm at the grading, so sort yourself out. Now.'

And then make plans to leave him after the grading is sorted.

Your poor kids. What a crappy father they have.

Are you my friend?

She's married to an arsehole like this.

Seriously. Stop being nice. He's walking all over you. Leave DS2 with him regardless. Agree to wake him up extra early to give him time to 'come round'

I don't understand why you don't know anyone after two years though? You need to work on that (having kids is like having a dog, dead easy to meet people) - have you mentally moved house as well as physically? It's your home now. Given he's not even around in the day, it's even more important for you to get out there and meet people.

Personally, I would tell the knob to shape up or ship out but I don't stand for crap like this. Why do so many women marry this man?!!

Star I think OPs stated PND and the demands of looking after two small children may have something to do with not having met anyone. We all ;meet' people all the time but whether we are feeling up to having a conversation or forming a bond is very different.

You poor thing.

No wonder you are mad. He's treating you like shit

Hoping your 'd'h has a change of heart and comes home soon

For tomorrow if you are anywhere near weston super mare I'll help you.

Hi OP. I'm a martial arts instructor in the arse end of nowhere. One of my fellow instructors runs a class on Saturday mornings. On the off-chance that it's the same class, I'd be happy to call in tomorrow morning and entertain DS2 so that DS1 can enjoy his grading. The other instructors will vouch for my qualifications and experience so you hopefully won't feel like I'm some crazy stranger
If you live in the hilly bit between Manchester and Sheffield we're probably pretty close so let me know.

OP what a terrible thing to going through especially from the one person who should support and parent with you.

Wow, some huge similarities with my ex going on here. Turned into a thoughtless arsehole after DC2 was born, chats were all positive and he always said he'd turn things around.

He did exactly the same thing to DS wrt the grading.

It was the beginning of a pattern of him going AWOL, getting pissed, ignoring messages, letting us down. He almost missed a birthday party once. It got worse and worse, enormously stressful, worst period of my life.

Getting rid of the cunt is the best thing I've ever done.

What a knob. I would definitely go down the route of do the grading then get out of there - call school on Monday explain you are taking a few days off, meanwhile work out your next steps - do you have money to rent somewhere near 'home'? (assume staying with your mum is not a option for amore than a few days) - can you pull money from a joint account into a sole account to see you through for a bit? etc.
Take care & be kind to yourself
I'm another happy to help for an hour tomorrow if you are anywhere nearby.

You need to ring your mum, my heart is breaking for you. I hope my daughter never goes through this but if she does she'd better ring me.

star 2 years is not a long time at all - especially as there has been pregnancy, PND, new baby, DS1 getting daignosed, DS1 having significant additional needs.... maybe you should walk a mile in OPs shoes before you are so harsh?

I hope you are ok op.

My ex was like this. I tolerated it for years.
I regularly torture myself thinking why didn't I just leave him a very long g time ago.
After i told him to leave he begged to comeback.
I relented and took him back only after he promised to agree to the changes I wanted.
He did change for a very short time before reverting back to his previous behaviour.
I am much better without him.
He refuses to speak to me. I can only assume because his mealticket has finished.

Don't waste your life op, he will not change.

Star - I didn't marry this man, he turned this way after our second DC.

Please don't waste any more words on this useless cunt. Put all your efforts into leaving him. You are already a single parent.

Poor OP

This is not a partnership

star I'm sorry you don't understand why I don't know anyone. For the last two years I've managed to look after my boys, keep the house in a vaguely presentable state and get myself washed and dressed. I smile and say hello to all the mums at school gates and toddler groups but tend not to engage in much further conversation. For the simple reason that if someone asked me how I am I will turn in to a sobbing wreck because doing all of the above takes every ounce of determination I have.

adagio and others - thank you so much for the offer of help. I'm in the arse end of Kent though. I think I'll take ds2 with me tomorrow and try and placate him with everything I can find. They're really strict on having it quiet though so I'd have to leave if he started whingeing which would result in ds1 bolting after me the minute he notices I've gone. I'm not going to leave ds2 with 'd'h - it's just not fair and I know he would go back to sleep and assume ds can fend for himself.

Still no word from dh.

Oh bugger you're a bit far from me. How old is ds2? I have a ds3 who sounds similar to your ds2 - I would recommend (if old enough) a couple of books, an apple, a pack of sweets - ideally where each one needs to be unwrapped to slow him down, new games on iPhone or iPad, the duplo ones are free and held my los attention even when he was small. Pull them out one by one so he doesn't see everything straight away.

I am so sorry for what you're going through.
I have 3 daughters and I'm currently a sahm and my youngest (4yrs) also has autism so I completely understand.
My partner and I have had rough patches where he's been inconsiderate and gone out and left all the shit to me, so again I understand.
I'm not one for making new friends, and after having 3 kids and devoting literally all my time to them, it doesn't leave me any time for socialising, and I can't understand how any mum can find the time tbh?.

I don't know what advice to offer other then I totally sympathise and I wish I could be there for you to support you till your bell end of a husband comes through that door!
There really ought to be some sort of legal punishment for dads who don't support mothers emotionally, they don't realise just how damaging it can be,

I don't know how grading works so apologise if this is stupid, but could you appeal to the instructors and ask if your ds could go first or near first the to the fact that you really have no choice but to take ds2 with you? You could be in and out then.

I feel for you I really do. You sound on your knees and your dh does not deserve you

Hi OP

I am sorry you are going through this too.

Tomorrow is a new day and with a bit of sleep hopefully you can see things more clearer and you'll feel stronger in the morning. I agree with other posters about packing up and driving to see your mum for a few days straight after the grading. You gave him the chance two weeks ago and he has let you and the children down already. You write and sound like a intelligent young woman so you will find the strength to get back to your old self. Best of luck.

In my experience with gradings (and I've been to a lot now) other parents are always happy to help out. Assuming TMA of some kind, message the sensei to explain and ask for suggestions. Plenty of parents attending gradings will be on their own for whatever reason, and I'm sure they'll be understanding.