My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support

-doing nothing with the kids, ever Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

Another vote also that I'm free tomorrow to watch DS2.

it sounds as if he is behaving very badly. I'm not sure going to Mum is the way forward.Is Mum supportive? do we know?

I suggest you try to calming speak to him and explain it is not ok for him to come home drunk. Ask him not to do this and explain calmly why.

Now if he ignores this, then you must take action. Again try to remain calm and get out of there quickly. Go and stay somewhere for a couple of nights.

Will your DS1 be able to do his grading another time?

What is the situation if you just pack up and go to your mum's? Would you DH even bother to try and see his kids or would you be able to have a clean break and start over? You have to be prepared for no support from him at all, but it doesn't sound like he cares anyway. It's not like he's spending any time with his kids.

I'd be extremely tempted to go to your mum's and wait until he bothers to get in touch. On Monday call the school and say you had to leave home because it wasn't safe to be there with your DH (and I would say that children shouldn't have to see their father puking and shitting because of alcohol. That could be classed as him being an alcoholic, and you leaving to protect the kids).

It sounds like a nightmare.

And also like he will probably make a divorce as shitty and painful as possible.

btw - an amazing number of women find that their depression disappears along with their abusive, controlling husbands.

mumonashoestring has it. Let your little lad have his grading then make some serious decisions about your life.

Can you talk to your mum and tell her how you feel.

I am so amazed that so many men seem to think there wife is a child carer for their kids and forget you have needs too.

"btw - an amazing number of women find that their depression disappears along with their abusive, controlling husbands"

This was my experience

awful though it is I'm not sure somebody binge drinking and puking is necessarily an alcoholic.

^ this in spades

It might encourage him to stay out if he knows he's definitely got to look after your son.

Take your son to the grading, don't let him down. Then plan your exit. If you were happy near your family move back there.

I can't remember who it was, but a wise person did once say, "Before being diagnosed with depression, first ensure that you are not in fact surrounded by arseholes." Or words to that effect.

Or even pack the car up tonight and take your DS1 to his grading tomorrow, bribe DS2 with sweets,snacks whatever it takes to keep him quiet/happy then drive straight to your family? Your DH will be too drunk to notice.

it doesn't have to be stay with horrible hubs or go to family. There could be some middle way.

I'll bet you are not the only parent at the grading thing with a partner who isn't pulling his/her weight.

sugarpie about a month ago I would have said that our marriage was over and I was making plans to leave. But then having this talk with him a couple of weeks ago really changed everything- I realised I hadn't properly verbalised my issues and dh seemed really shocked and upset about just how miserable I was.

The last two weeks I have felt happier than I have since ds2 was born. I felt there really was a chance for our marriage and as such I made much more of an effort to like the area. I had confidence at toddler group to actually chat to some mums rather than just standing like a lemon counting down minutes until it was over as I normally do.

But tonight has just shown that he doesn't give a fuck. He didn't listen to or understand anything we talked about.

I've messaged him asking what time he'll be home and reminded him about grading tomorrow. That was about 2 hours ago. He's read the message but not replied.

He is really pushing his luck. I'm so sorry, but you can't carry on like this, his behaviour is totally unreasonable, intolerable.
You already have your hands full, and staying with him, will only grind you down further.
Did you call/text him, reminding him about tomorrow ?

How old is DS1? I assume if he has an ASD diagnosis and he is excited for the grading that changing plans would be very distressing for him? If so, the grading must be the priority tomorrow.

My STBXH was exactly the same about both our DCs ASD. Total denial of any issues, said the experts knew nothing, the DCs behaviour was normal in his view, I was overreacting and hysterical. Basically he rubbished me as a mother and yet all professionals agreed with me BOTH times!! It is incredibly challenging dealing with ASD, but believe me it is easier on your own than with an unsupportive partner.

Moving to be near your friends and family sounds like a excellent idea in the long term and I'm sure you will benefit from the support and the DC will flourish away from their negligent father. The sooner you go, the less damage will be done to your self esteem and the DCs will settle faster the younger they are.

You can do this and you must do this for self preservation and your future happiness. I wish someone had told me that sooner. I've wasted years ignoring the red flags.

I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve so much more than this.

Text him and say, I know you have read this and I expect you to be home and fit to look after your son. If you're not this is the last straw and I'll start arrangements to take the boys to my Mum's.

You are a wonderful woman and mother and you need someone who appreciates you and worships you. Not someone who abuses you. Hope you're okay x

I would pack your bags & car, go to the grading then drive home. Don't worry about school on Monday or school in the short term, a happy mummy is more important.

"awful though it is I'm not sure somebody binge drinking and puking is necessarily an alcoholic."

Maybe not an alcoholic, but someone who keeps on getting themselves in this kind of state, despite having been asked not to by close family, and knowing the adverse impact it has on their family - wife/partner and children - is someone who has a serious problem with alcohol. This is what Al Anon said to me when I phoned once for a chat about my (now ex) husband's drinking.

My ex had horrific hangovers - started puking at about 4am after a night out drinking (and he didn't have to drink much either) and then would spend the next 12 hours at least sweating and groaning and vomiting loudly. One time he went out drinking despite knowing that I had to work the following day, and that he was to look after our DS, then about 18 months. He wasn't in a fit state to look after a child, and I had to go to work, for a couple of hours only, so I ended up getting a neighbour (that I was friendly with) to look after my son.

It's impossible to live like this - I hated every minute and second of his hangovers, and would leave the house to get away from the noise and smell. Bastard never even cleaned up after himself either.

I wouldn't leave the wee one with him. Not if he's going to be in the same state as my husband. I just don't think it's safe, and it could be frightening for a wee one.

You do really though need to think seriously about whether you can stay in this marriage. Given my own past, I'd be tempted to LTB now.

I'm not for a minute saying any of this behaviour is ok. Not sure driving 300 miles whilst upset is the answer.

Sorry, just seen your post above.
Tell him to get his sorry arse home, he's had two hours of wind down time, he has responsibilities to honour tomorrow morning. I'm so angry on your behalf. 😡
He's really blotting his copy book.
If you haven't already done so, ring your Mum love, that's what we're here for !

Another complete stranger here who'll happily look after your DS2 so you can go to the grading with DS1.

I think catgotyourbrain might be onto something. The same has happened to me with ASD -- XP presumed that the DC with strong autistic traits (now going through diagnosis) was normal and our other DC needed urgent medical assessment (because he kept expressing emotions, feeling empathy and wanting to hang out with people). Turns out XP has ASD too. That does not excuse the selfish twattish behaviour though.

My first LTB (I think).

OP. It's impossible to believe that your dh can't have realised how unhappy you were. Just look at everything you've told us, just one of those circumstances would be enough to make some people really struggle. If you had to spell it out to him then he's clearly a very uncaring person who doesn't know you at all. Or, he knows exactly what's been happening but quite frankly would rather have his morning run, work then go out.

The comment about your ds1's autism diagnosis would also be a deal breaker for me. But actually, reading all your posts everything about your dh would be. I wouldn't text him anymore. Leave ds2 with him tomorrow morning as long as you feel he will be safe. I then agree with a pp. Pack some stuff now, and go to your mums after the grading. Take your ds out of school for a few days next week. Talk to your family, make it real, and decide what you want to do. I wouldn't even tell him I was going. Let him ring or text you. Say you're away for a few days, and you'll let him know when you're coming back.

I would go to your mum's. It doesn't have to be forever - your H needs a shock, and maybe finding himself on his own without his 'wanted' Dcs might just do it. It will also give you space to think about what you really want.
Wishing you all the best!

The last two weeks I have felt happier than I have since ds2 was born.
But tonight has just shown that he doesn't give a fuck. He didn't listen to or understand anything we talked about.

Please take notice of what you have written here Cheesy

You were happier than you've been for years, because he acted like a normal, caring husband and father. So he is causing your unhappiness.

Please leave him for the sake of your and you Dcs happiness. He does not deserve you.